Don't Think About It

I bought some yellow plums at the farmer’s market yesterday and am regretting it.  Wanted some apricots but the bright yellowness attracted me.  They’re not so sweet though, unlike the apricots, darn it.

So…here we are day 15.  Should be gearing up to O, but of course not. I know this because I had a follicle check this morning and they haven’t grown at all since Friday.  I know why of course, but it doesn’t make things any better.

The reason why is because of the transfallopian cervical cath I had last week.  Honestly, I’m not sure I had the full cath -, but they knocked me out and got all up in my hoo ha, so I guess it’s all the same.  Thank goodness for anesthesia – I have a vague, vague memory (which I’m not all too sure really happened or I just dreamed it) of me sitting bolt upright in the middle of the procedure crying about pain, but they clearly then gave me enough after that because I’m not even sure it happened.

You’d think with all the medical procedures I’ve had, I’d have the highest pain tolerance of everyone, but it’s really gosh darn low.

The good thing about the cath/not-cath is that my tubes are wide open.  That’s why I’m not sure I really even had the cath.  So what was the deal about my left side being blocked when my OBGYN did my HSG in February?

According to the doc who did this cath, it’s quite possible since I was awake and had no pain meds, that I was in so much pain (because HSGs are painful muthafuckas) that I was twisting and turning and the tubes just weren’t relaxed and open for the dye to go through in february – so it looked blocked. Under the anesthesia, not moving at all, it was easy enough to get the dye through just fine.

So what does this tell me?

There is NOTHING wrong with us. With either of us.  His sperm, my eggs are fine.  My tubes are fine – so what is the deal? Why is it taking so long?

Because my OBGYN’s office told me the other day they thought I should see a specialist.  Even THEY think it’s taken too long to get PG.  Now, lucky for me I’m such an anxious bitch girl, I started seeing an RE back in April, so I’m 3 months ahead of where I would be right now if I had just stayed with the OB this entire time. All my tests are done.

So honestly, the only other thing I can think of (besides implantation problems, which I’m just not going to worry about right now, because I haven’t really HEARD of those before) is stress.
Stress stress stress.

I hate it when people tell me to stop stressing and I’ll get pregnant.  Er, no.  And F U as well.  It’s hard to not be stressed as you go for umpteen follicle checks, take nightly hormones, etc.  I wish I could not have to think about these things – but if I don’t, then I’ll forget to take my pills, etc.

But still, stress.

If you know me, you know I’m a tightly wound, highly anxious individual. Type A to the extreme.  My every day levels are stressful, even without this added stuff. So I do believe I’m just going over the edge, and that’s inhibiting this process.

Of course, this isn’t helped by the procedure I had last week.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to find there’s nothing wrong. However…my follicles aren’t growing, despite the Tamoxifen.  Last time I had the HSG, I had an anovulatory cycle. It seems I’m going in the same direction this month.  I took the Tamoxifen to hopefully overcome that but it’s not looking good…sigh…

So…I guess we wait.  I have plenty of fertile fluid…but won’t be Oing any time soon, even if I do actually end up Oing…I guess we’ll just have to see.

In the meantime, I’ve got to start figuring out how to make myself CHILL OUT.  It’s not like a switch I can just turn off…it’s almost impossible for me to do…but I need to.

Weekly massages? If they weren’t so expensive.  I’m thinking of looking up accupuncturists around here too. After all, you always hear stories of people getting accupuncture when infertile and then BOOM – pregnant.

I’ve got to do something…

Stressful Day

After many calls to my OBGYN’s office regarding the results of my antibody titer, Fran called me today to tell me I may have a clotting issue.  But she couldn’t give me anymore information.  Wonderful.  Dr. S wanted to meet with my next Wednesday. I agreed, but then freaked out that it’s a week away, and what if I find out I’m PG on Sunday?  I probably am not, I don’t have ANY cramping, no real PMS like I normally do, and which I’ve also had for both previous pregnancies. Well, I’ve also miscarried twice, so maybe not.  Anyway…I’m very depressed today.  Nothing’s going right.

I called back the office to speak directly with Dr. S, but Fran intercepted and wouldn’t (or couldn’t give me much more information). She did move up my appointment to first thing Monday morning at least.  I really want to push for heparin shots right away...

Bloodwork

My bloodwork results from last week are trickling in.  I had 26 (!!!) vials of blood taken last week. I was suprised I was still standing, though I was a bit light headed on the drive home.

So far most everything looks ok.  My RH factor is positive (which I think I knew already from my first pregnancy, but it’s good to have it confirmed), all these are things (toxmosis, rubella) are what they should be…my TSH is .913 and my T4 1.22 — all just perfect.

So the one unperfect thing thus far is my antibody screen.  Gdamnit.

It came back positive last week, which is why I needed to go back 2 additional times for more blood draws.

Well, not exactly. The first time is because with all the blood I needed taken (all those tests) they FORGOT to do the antibody screen. But then they called, said it was positive and they couldn’t identify the cause, so I need to come in to take more blood so they could send it out to the Red Cross (who I guess has better facilities? Better knowhow?)

So Fran, my OBGYN nurse, called yesterday telling me I need to go get an antibody titer done.
I really wish our medical records were electronic already because I know Boston would have all this info at hand.  I know I have  antibodies from the transfusions I’ve had due to my surgeries in the past.  Every time I go for a cath, they have to special bloodtype me because of it, and every time they tell me should I need blood, I need “special” blood because of those antibodies.  So I’m not really wondering whether I have these antibodies.

But the question I have, do the antibodies that I KNOW I have either prevent me from conceiving or make me M/C? Dr. Mike at Boston didn’t think it was a big deal, but he’s no OBGYN.  I really want to know this for sure.  And so far, I really can’t get an answer to this.

I spoke with Ali again this morning, and asked her this (no I didn’t call her specifically for that, but as long as we were on the phone…) and she said it really depends why you have the antibodies. She couldn’t even tell me if there’s a solution for all of this if one is needed.  So I wait. And worry. And go get more blood taken either tonight or tomorrow morning.