Christmas Presents

Thanks everyone for your exercise/tracking suggestions! I downloaded My Fitness Pal as suggested on my phone to keep track. I need to eat 1200 calories a day in order to lose 2lbs a week. Oh good Lord. I tracked everything I ate yesterday, which was a pretty typical day (except that I had stopped at Dunkin Donuts for a small hot chocolate which I don't normally do) and my calories came to 1485 for the day. So 285 over. But lets say I'm normally eating around 1500 calories a day. Seriously...1500 calories a day has led to me gaining 60lbs in the last 5 years???? I hate my body.

As for exercise...yeah, Jillian Michaels scares me :) I went shopping after work and was walking around so fast I was sweating - so I'll count that as something better than nothing (according to MyFitness Pal, that burned approx 245 calories, so only 40 over for the day). I will have to get my head right before attempting Jillian.

L and I sent Gabby and her family the Christmas presents on Saturday and they got them yesterday. I got the cutest text from her with a picture of the mug I sent her sitting in her keurig machine with a spoon in it:

Opened this tonight, I love love love it! Made my day! It is washed and ready for coffee in the morning. (Husband) also got a package but like the adult he is, he put the presents under the tree. He was kind not to mention the fact that I ripped open my package immediately, no thoughts about putting it under the tree! Haha. But glad I don't have to wait to open it, I love it! Thank you for thinking of us!

Not only that, she posted the pic to her FB and "came out" about being a surrogate there, finally! She did not tag me (thank goodness, as I haven't said publically on FB that we have a surrogate, only that we're expecting (though people who've FB messaged me I've told in private) .

But it was still so sweet. She wrote on FB:

LOVE my new mug, such an awesome gift from great parents, now hurry up February, these baby girls want to meet their rockin' parents! So happy and proud to be a part of this!

She got nice kudos from her friends, and their responses ranged from, "Wow!" to "You are so awesome!" etc. Which she is so that was really nice!

And then she sent me a 28 week bump pic :)

Oh yeah, any doubts that she looked "small for twins" last week are totally gone now! She looks great!

Happenings in the Ducky House

Another u/s this past week. I don't have the report yet, but Gabby said everything looked good, amniotic fluid, cervical length etc. The girls are measuring small, one in the 11th (!!) percentile, the other in the 19th percentile. Yeesh. But she says the doctor said he doesn't get worried unless it's the 5th percentile. That's good...I guess. I just hope it doesn't go down any further. Consider both L and I don't come from the tallest families (believe it or not, but after my brother and father, I am the tallest person in my family, over my grandfather and every other woman in my family. My aunts and grandmother are actually not even 5 feet tall.), I am trying to hope that's the reason. And, they're twins, right? Less room, smaller babies? I dunno. I'm going with that and trying to save a freakout for later on, if it gets worse. I'm worried about IUGR.

L is right now in the nursery, tearing up the carpet, pad, and nails in order to put in our laminate flooring in. So exciting! And a bit nervewracking, if we totally screw it up. He assured me ahead of time that he had experience helping his dad, but has made a few comments since then how impressed he is with himself that he's doing a good job. Ha, that doesn't exactly make me feel confident about his skills :)

I went ahead and bought a prenatal massage for Gabby for Christmas, and I bought a mug for her on Etsy that reads "Proud Surrogate...I make families. What's YOUR superpower?" I love it and can't wait to mail it.

We thought we should buy her family some presents too but didn't want to go too crazy - so we got her husband a bottle of Jack Daniel's, and a kid's board game for the three of them. We had planned to give them this when we saw them after Thanksgiving but that didn't work out and we're not sure when we'll see them again so we have to mail it all. Hope they like it!

Follow Up

It looks like Gabby will be redoing the 1 hour test on Friday. Thank goodness. I'm not sure if M at the surrogacy agency ever talked to her or not, but she (Gabby) emailed me last night. I feel bad that I basically nagged at her all day yesterday, but then I am annoyed that I had to nag at her too. I totally understand that she's probably cranky these days but I am probably not the person to complain about this stuff to...her husband is.

While I was drifting off to sleep last night, (that weird place between consciousness and unconciousness where sometimes things become clear to me) I realized that I don't think she's going to stay in touch with me after this is over. We always said to each other (before we started the cycle), if its feels right and natural, we'll be friends but if not, so be it. But despite how nice she is, and how much I wish we would click more, I don't think we do. That makes me sad. I want everyone to like me (despite how bitchy and whiny I can be on here).

Reality Setting In

I'm not sure why, but it took until last night to realize that I'm going to be a mom in about 3 months.

In all honesty, I've been calling myself a mom for years now, ever since I had angel babies. It was the only thing that got me through Mother's Day. But now that I may actually be a mother of living babies, I was struck dumb by it last night!

I'm guessing if I were the one 24 weeks pregnant, maybe it would have occurred to me sooner, but actually doing baby shopping, planning my registry and googling 24 weeks pregnant (something I do every week because I will NEVER sign up for Baby Center emails again- those bastards don't understand to stop sending weekly emails if you have a miscarriage) seems to have driven it through my thick skull. Sure, no matter how many blog posts I've written about babies up to now, it still was this far off dream that I thought of occurring in the distant, distant future, not in a few months. I've had that dream for so long, it just doesn't seem real now.

I'm not sure exactly what happened to all of a sudden make me think, "Hey I'm worthy of calling myself an expectant mother!" but all of a sudden I felt like I was. I felt like I would sneer at anyone who thought I wasn't. Where did that come from?

A couple of things have happened on the baby front recently that must have led to this...though I'm not quite sure how I made the leap. The first was that we attended a diaper service class (we plan on cloth diapering) a week and a half ago. We were the only ones in this session, with the diaper service owner and her assistant. I could have sworn that the assistant was pregnant (but thank God I didn't ask her because it turns out she's not, nor does she have kids), so I was feeling a little sensitive about not being pregnant. The owner asked when we were expecting, and since I don't plan on ever seeing the owner again, nor did I feel like getting into my story, I told her February, and said we were about 23 weeks along. She looked at me in amazement and said, "Wow, I never would have guessed you're 23 weeks with twins! You look so small! (Me smiling inside). "No, that's a good thing!" she assures me. "Seriously, I was thinking you were 16 weeks, max!" (Me not smiling inside).

Oh yay. I look 16 weeks pregnant! If she hadn't said the last sentence, I probably would have told her that we were expecting via gestational carrier, but then I justified my closed mouth by not wanting to make her feel bad that she just told me how fat I look. I'm sure she would have been embarrassed.

As for me, I guess I should just be glad I *only* look 16 weeks pregnant and not 23 :)

Then last week I had my 6 month dental check up and I went to ask if I could have another checkup in less than 6 months (as I will be on maternity leave 6 months from now and without dental insurance during that time, and if I wait till I'm back at work it will be almost a year before my next checkup). The YOUNG! receptionist asked  me why I needed to have it so early, and I told her I would be on maternity leave. So she tells me, "I need to check to make sure you can have a dental cleaning in your third trimester." So, hemming and hawing I had to tell her that I wasn't going to be in my third trimester and could get that damn checkup if I wanted to, thankyouverymuch! Of course, my dental hygenist happened to wander over to the front desk just as I was explaining and strangely enough the receptionist actually said to me, "I thought it was illegal to do surrogacy in NY?"

Who the hells knows about the legality of surrogacy? So random. I explained to her what we were doing and the hygenist was SO interested and asked if I minded a personal question. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound so I said sure. She wanted to know if we used my eggs or donor eggs. WHO THE HELL ASKS THAT?? I told her they were mine.

She was so interested and so "That's Awesome!" about it that it really made me feel better about things. That may have been the turning of the tide for me.

So yesterday I went to pick up a Bumbo seat from a consignment store and I really wanted someone to ask me a question about my kids/pregnancy so I could tell them what we're doing and I was bummed that they didn't. Hahaha!! Talk about a reversal of feelings!

I've given up on trying to make sense of...myself.

Shades of Gray

If you think I'm talking about the book, I promise, I'm not. I haven't even read it yet, though I did read an article recently saying that it has caused a baby boom of sorts, wink wink, for February 2013 babies. Oy. Not my (fingers crossed) February 2013 babies. Their very scientific and mechanical conception couldn't be farther away from steamy sex after reading a hot novel.

We have entered the second trimester! And Gabby found a heartbeat on the doppler yesterday (she stopped looking after finding only one and I'm fine with that now) so I am comfortably sure that we have made it to 14 weeks. I'm still so nervous for a missed miscarriage, but I'm so excited to be where we are. I'm still amazed we have made it so far.

On Thursday night, after the ultrasound, we also had our bi-weekly (every two weeks, not twice a week) session with our "infertility" counselor. She's not really an infertility counselor, just a regular family counselor, which sucks sometimes because she says things you really shouldn't say to an infertile, but she is also really nice and sometimes can say really good things.

We spoke a lot about grief and loss while being "pregnant." About my embarrassment about being a "fraud," about what it means. About not having anything to show for things yet (i.e. a baby bump). After all of it, I take these things from her:

I see a world too much in black and white and not enough shades of gray. I've actually heard my parents tell me this for years now, well before infertility ever entered my life. I don't know why I am that way; maybe it makes things easier for me. It definitely helps me be more decisive, most of the time. It also makes things harder sometimes when they don't need to be. I am super hard on myself.

On top of that conversation with my neighbor last week, I had gotten an email from Gabby that afternoon. She told me that after the ultrasound she ran to a neighborhood consignment store to look for maternity clothes, and while there, the clerk asked if this was her first baby. She took the moment to tell her, not at all, that she was a gestational carrier with three kids of her own, and she educated the clerk. She was so excited to tell me how she has no compunction about telling this to strangers, that she feels like a babysitter or a dear aunt. These aren't her kids at all, she's just the kind Mary Poppins taking care of them for 9 months, and then they'll go home with Mom and Dad.

Well, isn't that sweet. No, it really is. I felt terrible, because in my one moment to do some education last week, I hid. I didn't take the opportunity to educate at all. I ran away from it.

And I explored that with my counselor this week. And she helped me see things in more gray, to think more kindly of myself and not think what a schmuck I am for not running with it and teaching a near total stranger (even though she is my neighbor) .

There was no true lie involved. I didn't say I was pregnant. I didn't tell her the absolute truth either, but it really wasn't the time or place. Neighbor woman didn't really want or need the whole story, and it was my story to tell when I want to - if I want to.

I told the counselor how bad I felt that Gabby educates but I do not. And talking about it, I've realized...it's much easier for her. First off, she has something to show for it, a baby bump, which makes a discussion much easier to start. Mine is less tangible, a talking point. Who likes talking points that are forced? Politics suck. Second of all, she is in a similar position to where adoptive moms are a lot of time. Adoptive moms, please correct me if I'm wrong, but during our homestudy process and classes, we were told a lot that the public looks more upon adoption as a noble "thing." Almost like "saving the babies" when we know that is not it at all, and our baby/ies saved us just as much. But that's not what the public sees or thinks. Likewise, the public doesn't look at birthmoms and think what a great, unselfish thing they have done when they decided to place their baby for adoption. They are not heralded for doing so.

Obviously, surrogacy is not at all the same thing, but there are similar veins. Instead there's a lot of feeling out there about "lazy rich women who pay others to have their babies for them." A gestational carrier is the noble one in this case, giving the gift of themselves in order to make a family. And they deserve all the credit (as do adoptive moms, in case you didn't get that from my previous paragraph), but the intended mother is not thought of in as good a light. Look at all the people who accuse celebrities of using a surrogacy to keep their bodies in pristine shape. (Luckily, no one who knows me would ever accuse me of that after seeing my body :)

Obviously, birthmoms don't usually go around telling people they've placed their baby for adoption or when they are pregnant and waiting to, even though it may be the most unselfish thing in the world to do. Why not? They could educate the world as well. And I know a few may, but not that many. It's usually online, and not in public at the local Target.

So why do I hate myself for not being forthright with the world as well?

For birthmoms, there are so many complicated issues - it's not a simple matter of saying, "I decided to place my baby." There is a history and reasons, and the grief is there for many of them. Likewise it is for me. There is so much more behind becoming an intended mother than any stranger would ever know or care to hear, and I could never convey it to them even if I wanted them to know. It's not as simple as, "One day I woke up and decided to have a baby via a gestational carrier." But most people who haven't traveled this path or watched mine don't know or get that.

Sure, I could be a better educator. I could be better at a lot of things (exercise for one). I should work on it, but I should also cut myself some slack.

For now, at least I realize what is holding me back, even if it doesn't make me completely comfortable with it. While I feel it would be great to be open like Giuliana and Bill Rancic, they also have a much bigger platform on which to speak. I have a 3 minute conversation with a stranger I'll likely never see again. And because they (G&B) are in the 5th season of their reality show, the strangers who watch them saw their journey - their miscarriage, their shots, their crying. The strangers I talk to have no idea of my journey: my many miscarriages, my open heart surgeries, my shots, my crying, my devastation - and there's just not enough time to tell them about it. Nor do they necessarily care (unlike viewers who specifically tune in to watch G&B).

It's all so very complicated. But that's ok. Here's a little bit of gray that I'm ok with. There are no wrong answers here.

Baby steps.

Ultrasound #...6

How can we just be at the end of the first trimester and we've already had 6 ultrasounds? Craziness.

Gabby's appointment was this morning and she tried to connect us via Skype, but was having trouble so we switched to speakerphone. It wasn't my favorite, couldn't hear that well, but I got the big deets - and I guess that's all that matters.

Still two babies! Hurray!!! Man, the seconds seem like hours when you're just waiting and there's silence on the phone. More than once I gestured towards L, "What is going on? Oh no," and at one point I even put my head in my hands despairing of, I don't know what, but something.

Didn't get actual heartbeat rates, but they both in the 160s. One baby was measuring 14 weeks and one was measuring 13.9 weeks (I don't understand .9 because today is 13w4d, but I'm guessing that's a little over 13w6d but not quite 14). Sweet! The doctor commented that there is sibling rivalry already! :) That size is really great to hear because a few weeks ago they were both measuring right on time, and the third baby (that got reduced :(  ) was the one measuring ahead, so it seems as if the extra room has helped thus far. Her cervix is measuring 3.5 cm* (I questioned the doc about it because I think it's a little short for where she is in the pregnancy but he said it was totally fine, and ok, I guess I'll believe him since he's an actual doctor and all I have is Google! :) and the amniotic fluid levels look great, the "wall" between the two sacs look great, everything looks really good. I'm given the go ahead to tell people. Ack! I am totally calling my sister tonight to tell her the news! :)

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*I know some of you may be like, "Why does she give all this number information, no one cares" and it's really just so that I remember it and can compare in the future! :)
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One placenta is anterior and one is posterior, which might account for why Gabby normally can only find 1 heartbeat (I think she's found the second one twice in all the times she's looked for it). And the baby on top was doing a headstand today! He's definitely going to be our little troublemaker.

So we're all set to come back in another two weeks and then the doctor says if we're willing to come back in 2.5 weeks, we can do the anatomy scan. Do you know what that means? Gender!!!! Ahhh!! Oh my goodness, this is all so new to me and I can't believe we're talking about this already! Unfortunately it's going to fall on Rosh Hashanah (Monday 9/17) so our doctor won't be the one to do it, but we're going to go back to Boston and another great doctor will do it (better than him, he said.)  I will totally wait the extra three days for that. Plus he said Boston just got brand new ultrasound machines so they will probably give great pictures for a "photoshoot." So now I'm SO EXCITED!

Gabby pressed him on the spotting (she said it's all brown and just when she wipes but it keeps coming) and he looked everywhere. He really didn't see anything but he said it had all pooled somewhere (this was hard to hear/understand over the phone) and therefore he's not at all concerned but thinks that it was either leftover implantation bleeding that got "caught" and is now draining out or the third placenta. Either way, he's not concerned. I know I shouldn't be either, but I like answers and never seem to get them in life so I'm cautiously optimistic, but not wholly.

I totally want to be over-the-moon excited and I am, but for some reason I feel like if I let myself get too excited it's going to jinx things. It's so stupid I know. Gabby says she's not worried anymore and I shouldn't either but I will until viability I'm sure. It's definitely a contradiction how on some days I feel like I want to say I think this will work out, but other days no. Oh well, 'tis the life of an RPLer, I guess.

Can't wait until I get the scan pictures in the mail! And today Giuliana and Bill's baby was born (or last night) so this seems perfect. Last night we watched the final episode of the last season (I downloaded the whole season on Itunes last week) where they enter the "safe zone" and tell everyone. I don't really believe in a "safe zone" until viability, but it was very appropo for today!

12 Weeks

Got a text from Gabby last night with a 12 week baby bump picture. I love pictures so it made me really happy. She said the picture did not do her belly justice and looks smaller than it does in real life. She said she is starting to transition into maternity clothes now too.

The last few nights, she told me, her energy has come back somewhat - she's been up past 10pm each night. I know she could just be coming out of that first trimester exhaustion - but to be frank, it scares the crap out of me. It worried her too - so she listened with the doppler last night and found a strong heartbeat at 168. She didn't mention a second heartbeat and I didn't ask about it either. I figure last week she was only mentioning one as well but there were two heartbeats on the ultrasound. Then again, maybe one of the hb's stopped and that's why her energy is coming back.

At 10.5 weeks in my last pregnancy my symptoms started getting better too, and people told me it's just because you're getting towards the end...and then there were no hbs at the next ultrasound, so I admit it, I'm scared. And there's no ultrasound again until 8/30! I don't know how I'm going to make it that far. I'm going to hope she keeps listening to the doppler and hearing something in the meantime.

So I put together all three bump pictures she's sent me to compare the growth! I think the shirts over the belly make it look smaller...but here it is!

I think I'm going to wait until the next ultrasound to say anything to my siblings.

Officially the Farthest We've Ever Made It!

Things looked good at the U/S today! It was our first OB appointment, even though we're seeing an MFM doctor, but this guy is much closer to where Gabby lives so she doesn't need to drive 2 hours each way almost every week.

I don't know what it is but I manage to work myself up into near-panic attack mode by the time an appointment comes around. We did not go today as we've already missed 2 days of work in the last three weeks, only participated by text because I can't stand the thought of "real-time" tragedy occuring.

"So they're looking for the heartbeats now....still looking...and...oh no," is what I have in my head and what I can't take. If the news is bad, tell me after the fact...a live accounting of it is just too much. Of course, by text wasn't that much better...as it involved a lot of  "Did vitals, now waiting for the doc....Still waiting...still waiting...what's your cardiac condition again?" I was petrified.

But both babies are still there - one hb was at 167, the other at 171, and they were flipping around and moving up a storm (Gabby likes to give them a sugar rush right before an ultrasound). They didn't really measure them...they were using a portable u/s and said they couldn't get good measurements but guessed between 50-58 mm, so that sounds ok.

As for the spotting, which has happened on an off through the pregnancy thus far the doctor said it could be lots of things, none that seem worrisome. I guess I'll have to trust him on that.

And he's totally cool with Skyping during appointments, which is great to know! He recently did a delivery via Skype - the dad was in Pakistan - so cool! A lot of doctors aren't.

So the next u/s will be a more formal measuring one but not for two more weeks, boo. Then starting at 16 weeks she has to go in every week until 23 weeks. I forgot to ask why but I think it's related to s/r in some way because Dr. K told us this last week. Then after 24 weeks it's every 2 weeks again until 30 weeks, then back to every weeks. We will be getting TONS of ultrasounds! I am so so glad.

Our official EDD is March 3, 2013, but it looks like we will be closer to mid-February with twins.

I am SO relieved it's not even funny.

So Bad...So Good...So Bad

Sorry for the silence on my end. Yes, I've been a mess. I don't even know what happened to my Friday - it's just a blur. I barely did any work - good thing I don't have billable hours or I'd be screwed. L decided we needed to get out so he spent all Friday night looking for a place to go Saturday night. EVERYTHING was booked and our normal kennel for the dog was too, so we ended up splurging on a whirlpool King suite in Burlington, VT and driving out an hour to another kennel to drop the pup off.

I woke up Saturday morning and tried to convince L we didn't need to go, it was a lot of money for one night. But he must have been sick of my crying (ok, that's being mean, I know he was concerned) and insisted on it so we headed off. We got to the hotel and they had given us the wrong room and I just about burst into tears again (have I mentioned how much I love whirlpool/jacuzzi tubs? I'm a bath girl) but they apparently shifted someone who hadn't shown up yet who was getting a free upgrade and gave us the room instead. They also gave us free breakfast for the inconvenience. Score.

The room was amazing, and we jumped in the tub (ahem, yes, 2 person whirlpool tub) right away. I mean, put our bags down, turn on the faucet. There were shutters that opened from the huge bathroom to the rest of the room and the TV pulled out from its normal locations and turned so we could watch the Olympics from the tub, which we did.

It was SO nice. I must have apologized a gazillion times for not wanting to come because it was different and I wasn't fixating on the previous 48 hours anymore but relaxing with my hubby and I just enjoyed it so much.  We took a quick nap after the bath, and then went out for dinner (I tried steak tartare for the first time ever!) and then to an Eastern tea shop where we had Doja (??) rice for dessert. it was so yummy. Afterwards we went to Lake Champlain chocolates and I got two pieces of salted caramel chocolates for later (OMG $1.40 EACH and honestly I didn't love them), L got some maple fudge which was pretty good, and we went back to the room for the night. With the cost of the damn room we needed to take advantage of it. We got back in the tub and continued to watch the Olympics and that's pretty much it.  Then Gabby texted me randomly that she had listened to the heartbeats on the doppler again and had found 2 hbs in the 160s which made me feel much better as well.

The next morning we had the free hotel buffet breakfast which was fantastic and we definitely filled up. It was all free so that made it even better. Then we headed back towards NY, and saw a sign for a ferry. We drove down a few miles and there was a short line of cars taking a small ferry across Lake Champlain back to NY. We decided to take it as well and it was my first trip since I was about 4 on a car ferry! We parked the cars like sardines and then got out and enjoyed the sun and breeze and water for about 25 minutes and we were there. Cut a lot of time off - it was great! We ended up in this tiny little town called Essex, stopped for coconut ice cream and went back home to get the dog.

Short, and yea, too expensive, but we've never done something like that before. It was just what we needed.

Cut to today when I get an email from Gabby saying she had bleeding this morning, had emailed that MFM doctor I really liked, and he was getting her in to an u/s in an hour. Fucking great. Immediately I just crumpled. If we have a m/c after the s/r I seriously think I might die. I cannot take anymore.

She told me after the bleeding (which she was weird about, she said she thought it was bleeding but wasn't sure. How do you not know??? I hate this not being me instead) she went back and got the doppler and there were still two heartbeats, which reassured me significantly, and of course I got on the computer and Dr. Google told me that bleeding can happen after s/r (and Gabby said she had no cramping), but then the MFM had told her that bleeding wasn't normal. WTF?

She finally got in for the u/s and she told me they said everything looked normal, but they couldn't tell where the bleeding was coming from, which of course, makes me immediately nervous. Both babies were measuring on time, (of course last Thursday they were measuring 2 days ahead so is that something to worry about or did they just not measure that well?), heartbeats in the 170s (they actually measured this time), no subchorionic hematomas or anything, fluid levels looked fine. So they sent her on her way to just take it easy.

So what was the bleeding? Fluid from the third sac? If I had been there I would have asked them to look and see if it was still intact or if that could be it, but I didn't hear anything about it, nor did they mention it. She's not having any more bleeding beyond a little residual bit, so that's good. I mean, in a way, it's good because I think I can blame it on s/r (as opposed to having nothing done and random bleeding) but of course, what if the s/r sets an m/c off?

So today was a total blur as well. I really need to get work done tomorrow. But I'm just a mess, again. I just need it to be 20 weeks already so I can start to relax and be happy. I just want to be happy. I feel like I'm never going to be a parent. This is all going to cruelly be ripped from me again.

Tomorrow is 11w2d, which is the day in my last pregnancy when we went in for the NT scan so happy thinking we were basically "out of the woods" and there was no HB left. Thank God Gabby still has an appointment on Thursday, which will be 11w4d so I get another update this week, and then that will officially be the longest my babies have ever made it. Please let this happen. Please let this work.

On Fetal Dopplers and stuff

Got an email from Gabby this morning and I have decided having to juggle this "new" kind of relationship is just exhausting. I feel like I'm responsible for so many more people's feelings due to surrogacy and it's hard since my own feelings are very emotional right now.

I feel bad, because she was excited over something she did - buy a used fetal doppler off of Craigslist. To be 100% honest, she had mentioned it way back, like literally when we found out she was pregnant or even before, and at the time I was like, "Oh God, that would scare me too much because what if you couldn't find it?" and then I had a weak moment a few weeks back (after the first u/s but before the second) where I wrote her saying, "Man, I wish we had a doppler because I'm so scared there are zero hearbeats now!"  But overall, I don't think it's a good idea.

So I got this email.

Okay so I’m crazy and got one of those fetal dopplers for $15 off craigslist.  Most of what I read was that you can’t hear the heartbeat until about 12 weeks.  I’ve tried it a few times and have only heard my own bloodflow which is obvious b/c it’s like 60 beats/minute.  Anyway, last night I went up to bed early and decided to try it again.  I definitely heard one heartbeat, it was around 130 and it was totally different from the swoosh of my own blood flow that I had heard up until then!!  I listened for like 15 seconds and then when I moved I lost it and couldn’t find it again.  The Doppler I have is pretty cheap and doesn’t have a separate “wand” so it’s not super easy to maneuver, but even still I was able to get a heartbeat for about 15 seconds!  : Just wanted you to know that I’m still very pregnant!  :)  Happy hump day!!

Now, I KNOW she was all excited and trying to get me all excited, but ugh, it was the opposite.

First off, there should be 3 heartbeats right now, not 1. But I can tell myself she didn't really look that hard and just for the first one. Fine. (And anyway, as you know, I would be ok if there were just two :( )

Second of all, yesterday was 9w2d. The babies' HBs were between 173-182 last week. There is no way any of them should be 130. That would not be a good sign.

Since I've been at this for so long, I'm a walking encyclopedia when it comes to this stuff. I doubt Gabby knows it, but babies HB's start off very slow (can be below 100 before 6 weeks, but should be above 100 after 6 weeks). Then it increases about 3.3 beats PER DAY until it peaks at around 9 weeks. That was what was so crazy about the difference between 6w2d and 8w2d with the babies' heartbeats - At 6 weeks - they ranged from 115-122! After 9 weeks it can fall slightly, 150-170bpm, but 130 would be VERY low. After 12 weeks It can range from 120-150 (160 would be considered high, but still ok) so it wouldn't be as worrisome.

So what was supposed to be a cheery email made me anxious instead. I wish she would have just said she found a HB without any numbers. Numbers obviously put me into overdrive! And there's no u/s again until NEXT Thursday.

But how could I tell her, "Thanks but no thanks. Can you just keep that info to yourself from now on?" Ugh, so I have to manage that and stroke her ego a bit (I do think it's strange that she wanted a doppler so much, considering she's fine with s/r of one of those babies) , while managing my own freaking out.

No wonder why I'm exhausted.

Difficult Day

Last night was a bad night, followed by a difficult morning.

I sent Gabby an email yesterday. I needed to get my feelings out, but I know it must have burdened her as well. I put all the blame on Dr. A, and not her, but I'm sure I stressed her out. But I just needed to get it out and she was the only one who knows the situation.

I told her that we want to continue to have a good relationship with her and her family through this process and maybe even afrterwards, but that I felt attacked (bombarded is really the better word) by Dr. A yesterday. I told her how upset I was about the doctor not even saying Congratulations before running her mouth off.

I told her I felt like the 4 of us, her, her husband, me and L could have discussed this together without Dr. A's interjections. We probably would have even come to the same conclusion (that we would do whatever she felt comfortable with) but that I was just so upset because I felt like my feelings weren't respected by Dr. A at all. If things hadn't been one-sided or if the fact that these are my children had been more acknowledged by her it would have been better. I told her that's why I had emailed her (Gabby) several weeks ago to discuss even though it was so early because I was afraid of this.

To be honest, I knew Dr. A would push things, but I didn't think for one second I would have felt as bombarded as I did.

I told her that L and I agreed to the contract and I would never back out on it or ask her to. But that I loved my babies so much and just feel like a horrible "mother." That I felt I was led astray in following Dr. A's advice that that she shouldn't have been so agressive considering there's no definitive answer as to what is wrong with me in the baby department.

Even yesterday, Dr. A was trying to pin her reasoning on my eggs. My eggs which she never commented on when she initially told us to pursue a gestational carrier. Considering all 3 have made it thus far I asked her if there was ever going to come a point in this pregnancy where she could say, "Hmm, maybe not your eggs. Maybe it was your uterus after all. or some other unknown." But she said never. Really? Never? I mean, I'm not asking for a 100% it's not your eggs exclamation, but a "probably not your eggs" would have sufficed. It's like she can't bear to say she may have been wrong.

I told Gabby that that I never wanted to put three in and just discard one if all three implanted and I feel like that's what Dr. A may have been thinking we could just do. That I almost wish Dr. A was the one who had to do the actual SR because none of this affects her in the slightest.

So, I was pretty harsh on Dr. A. And I probably shouldn't be telling these things to my carrier who is holding my babies right now. But I'm upset and I want her to know it. I mean, I think it was obvious in person yesterday but I just wanted it said. I know it won't change anything and I don't want to affect our relationship but maybe it will because she'll be mad I burdened her with it. It's such a fine line of expressing yourself yet wanting to stay on good terms because she has my babies with her.

I hope I didn't ruin it.

Second Ultrasound, and a Decision Out of Our Hands

Today was the second u/s! I was so nervous I thought I was going to be sick. I had no breakdown the night before (for once) but I just had a pit in my stomach and couldn't eat. We had to drive 3+ hours to Boston, for an 8:30am appt., so we left at 4:30am to make sure we didn't get caught in rush hour traffic.

We got there at 8am (traffic wasn't too bad) and headed to Au Bon Pain so L could get something to eat before the U/S (I still couldn't). Then I got a text from Gabby saying she was here, was going to Au Bon Pain to get something to eat because she a) STARVING!!! and b) had to pee really bad. Hahaha! Since we were already there I snuck up behind her and we squealed as only girls do :) She grabbed something to eat and we all sat down chatting it up before heading down to ultrasound.

When we got back there we had a little time in the waiting room before getting into an u/s room. We had a student doing the ultrasound (she would call the doctor afterwards) and all I could think was how much it would suck for her if the news wasn't good. She went to start the u/s and I totally chickened out and left the room. I had already told L and Gabby that I might do it, and L and I had a conversation that he was to find me in the hallway if there was even 1 hb.

I walked the hallway for what seemed like forever, fretting that they weren't able to find any hbs (but L swears it was less than a minute) before he poked his head out and said they found 1 so far (he said it in a way that I understood meant they just hadn't gotten around to looking for the other two yet. ) So I was able to breathe! I came in the room and immediately saw a second heartbeat before the U/S technician even said anything. She did her measurements and then found the third. THREE heartbeats! STILL!

But at that point my joy was mixed with pain, because we were going to see Dr. A next and I knew what the discussion was going to be about.

The three babies are all perfect - STILL.

Baby 1) HB 173 bpm, measuring 8w4d (CRL 19)
Baby 2) HB 182 bpm, measuring 8w2d (CRL 17)
Baby 3) HB 182 bpm, measuring 8w4d (CRL 19)

We headed up to see Dr. A, and she pissed me off right away. The first words out of her mouth? "I'm so sorry this is happening to you."

No congrats, no nothing else but that. She couldn't have started with a congrats for the miracles we have right now? Right away she spoke about how she really thought 3 was the way to go and based on my history she thought we had a 1% chance of all three staying (now apparently we're down from 2%) Blah blah blah. Then she laid it on thick with all the medical stuff, all the risks, but while she acknowledged how tough this is for us, she really didn't do much else in that regard.  Right away she started talking about the need to reduce, all the problems there can be, and she pissed me off for the second time.

She started talking about medical issues of triplets and how there's only a 5% chance they will come out healthy (but hey, we always hit the small percentages lotto, right?) and doomsday this and doomsday that. Then she said, "and as someone who grew up with medical issues, you know how tough it was on your parents, and I have a 9 year old daughter just diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, and the stress of seeing her going through all of that recently..." blah blah blah.

I had it and said to her, "I may not be a parent yet, but as the CHILD with medical conditions, I've had a pretty damn good life and I much would have rather had this life than not be here at all!" My work BFF told me I should have said to her, "So are you saying you'd rather your daughter not be here at all rather than have diabetes?" (Dammit I didn't think of it at the time) I mean the comparison was so ridiculous and STUPID.

Gabby was sitting there and I just said, "You know, this is a pointless discussion to have if Gabby isn't even willing to carry three. I know the contract says if there are three there will be selective reduction, so are you even willing to do so (carry 3)?" Because if she's not, lets not have the agony of this discussion, you know?

She was really uncomfortable, and I put her right on the spot, so I understand and even feel a little bit bad. But she said, "I'm nervous about all of this because I don't want our good relationship strained. I'm a medical professional (she's an NP who works in pediatrics) so I am easily able to come to it from a medical angle, which I know you guys can't. But I also know how long you guys have been trying for a baby and I can't even imagine how you feel right now. But I'm really worried about bed rest, and pre-eclampsia and being there for my family (long term). And I don't think I can take the risk for my family. "

It was really difficult for her to say that, and I can respect that, and appreciate the fact that she felt comfortable enough to say what she needed to. But I guess that's it, the decision is out of our hands. We will not be coming home with 3 babies.

There is still a chance we may lose one on its own, as my last miscarriage was at 11w, but for now, we have an ultrasound scheduled with Maternal Fetal Medicine in 2 more weeks (we'll be 10w4d for that one). Then they will do the NT scan around 12 weeks to determine if any of them have a genetic defect to make the "choice" of which one goes "easier" (G-damn it, these effing quotes are all over the place and I mean them all in the most cynical way) and if they are all fine they said it's the one easiest to get to and SR is done around 12-14 weeks. We've never made it to 12 weeks before, so it will be the most developed baby we've ever seen. And then we have to destroy it. Kill me.

I don't like that they will choose whichever easiest to get to. I don't know what other way would be better though. I feel bad because it's whichever poor one picked the "bad" spot to implant. If I can think of a better way I will ask for that instead, but as of right now I can't think.

So babies, it's your momma here, and please listen to me. I love you all so much, please know that. You guys are stronger than I ever would have thought possible and I am so grateful all of you decided to stick around. But if there's one of you who wants to sacrifice yourself for "the team" or feels too crowded in there (just one of you, mind you!), it's ok if you decide to go. I would much rather you make the decision than us having to make it for you. And please know if it was up to me, I would keep all of you in an instant faster than your respective heartbeats. 

How is it I go from praying for my babies to live to asking one of them to go? This is so wrong.

I should be so happy and excited today. No matter what, it can never be easy.

Ultrasound

Gabby had told me she'd given the u/s pic she received to the hospital to mail to me along with the documentation from the first u/s. She said it would be to us in a day so we expected it Thursday. But we just got it on Monday. We saw they sent it 3rd class mail, so that explains why. I didn't even know third class mail existed!

Ultrasound pics...the three sacs. I figure I should post it now because who knows what will happen. I just read a blog about an IP who just finished her journey literally a few days ago, and when I went back to read from the beginning, she had put in 3 as well, was given a 3% chance of triplets, got pregnant with all three and had heartbeats at the 6 week ultrasound as well (the story was eerily similar, except she already had two children that she'd given birth to herself at home. She was told not to carry herself again because it was very dangerous, she almost died before).

Then, at the 8 week ultrasound, one of the triplets had SPLIT, thereby giving FOUR babies. But the identical twins didn't have a heartbeat and another one of the triplets didn't have a heart beat either. So she was down to one and her carrier just gave birth to that one a few days ago. Holy smokes.

And that's part of my big fear. That we'll go in next week and there will be NO heartbeats. From 3 to zero.

But as of this day (6w2d this was), here's what it looked like:

The picture of all three is the top left hand side, and the other three pics are each of the triplets. In the lower right hand corner of the triplet picture you can see another dark circle, and the ultrasound notes make note of this, calling it a cyst or possibly a hydrosalpinx. I looked that up and it looks like you can get one from having an IUD, which she had before taking it out to start our cycle. It can cause infertility because basically it's a blocked tube! How ironic.
I finally got up the courage to ask her if she would mind sending baby bump pictures each week. I hate asking her to do extra stuff because she's got enough on her plate, but I'm starting to realize we're a lot alike and I think she likes my showing a lot of interest. I'm afraid to show too much interest though, for fear of seeming "clingy."

But it was so funny because I emailed her on Friday, and she emailed me back. I decided to not email on Saturday because I thought, man, I really shouldn't bother her EVERY day! Then she called me on Sunday afraid I was mad with what she emailed me on Friday (about talking to Dr. A) because I hadn't emailed back! We are two peas in a pod.

So she sent me her first baby bump picture yesterday. I've cropped it to cut off her head (since if I knew pictures of me were going to be floating around cyberspace I wouldn't be happy). She says her bump is definitely bigger and with 3 in there I'm really not surprised.

 I think there is one!! That's where my babies are! I'm so excited to see it and totally jealous of her body, haha. I don't think I've ever looked that good in my life, pregnant or not!

Less than a week till the next u/s. Fingers crossed so hard.

Things I Didn't Know

Over the last few weeks, I have learned how much I don't know about gestational surrogacy. First off, I've learned I shouldn't call it surrogacy at all, especially since in my state there are criminal penalties associated with it. It really is "gestational carrier" but that to me describes a person, not a process. Gestational carrierism? LOL! So I keep referring to it as gestational surrogacy.

There are only about 1500 surrogate births per year in the U.S. That is an incredibly small amount when you think about that over 4 MILLION babies are born each year in the U.S. And of those surrogate births, the majority are actually wealthy foreigners who hire American surrogates (largely because surrogacy is illegal in their countries). Most of the rest are close friends or family members of intended parents themselves. I haven't seen how many are born through agency agreements every year, but I imagine it's a small amount of that 1500. For instance, I saw somewhere that the state of New Jersey had 12 surrogate births last year. MA is a surrogacy-friendly state, so there's probably more, but man, that's not a lot!

Surrogacy Laws by State

This is probably is why there's just not that many resources on talking about surrogacy with people. I mean, there's tons of stuff out there on adoption and how to tell people, work, etc., but I haven't found ONE thing on surrogacy (and I'm an expert Googler). 

I'm not ashamed of doing surrogacy. My inlaws and parents already know obviously. Eventually our families will know. My closest friends already know and I will have no problem telling less close friends as it comes up. But work? I don't mind telling my boss because I have to, and she's discreet enough. But I have some co-workers who are so nosy and rude and they will ask crass questions about it. And L keeps saying I can just tell them to mind their own business, but I really can't. Because they actually don't realize they are being rude.

I keep getting so ahead of myself. I'm so nervous this won't work, so why am I thinking so far ahead this time? I never did before.

I think it's because I have nothing else to do. I don't have any symptoms to think about and google. So all I have is to think about what I *will* have to do at some point.

Regarding adoption, I haven't heard from the agency since June...at this point, we will probably not agree to any more profilings. Probably after the next u/s we will tell them we are "pregnant" so we won't get profiled anymore.

And that's hard too. Most of my friends knew we were doing adoption, but don't know about surrogacy. I just got an email from one of them yesterday asking how the process was going? And I told her we'd gotten profiled but not picked yet, but still couldn't find a way to mention surrogacy. And I should probably do that before we have any babies birthed, because then everyone will think we adopted them.

Tomorrow is Gabby's birthday! I've ordered an Edible Arrangements to be delivered to her house (she's not working tomorrow for once!). Figured fruit was good for a nauseous woman + her kids (one of her kids actually had minor surgery so she's staying home tomorrow to take care of her) and I don't know many of her other likes.

I'm debating crafting a questionnaire for her to help with future gift giving ideas. Edible Arrangements is kind of a cop-out plus holy cow! It has gotten expensive! $55 for a small bouquet? Outrageous. But I couldn't come up with anything else. I want to save a prenatal massage for later on in pregnancy - and that's it, I'm out of ideas. Please, if anyone has any, send them my way.

But I'm serious...sending her an email saying I need to know this for the future.

Favorite:

• color
• movie
• tv show
• food
• book
• activity
• way to relax
• any others?

Maybe I should send it to her husband instead and let him answer :) 

2%

Oh, so nice to always "win the lotto" for these small percentages. First my heart condition. Then the recurrent miscarriages...now this.

On Wednesday I couldn't stop thinking about SR. I emailed Gabby early in the day asking if any of them were behind or ahead. The response I got back put me into overanalyzation mode. I was trying to glean an glimpse of whether she wanted SR or not. She wrote me,

 Susan also mentioned that sometimes if one embryo is measuring smaller or the heart beat is slower then they think maybe that one won't survive.  She said that all were measuring perfect and had perfect heart rates so she didn't think that would happen.

 What did that mean??? I thought the bolded part (which I bolded, not her) was a pretty harsh thing to say since I think it was obvious I was looking for an easy way out, so then I was thinking, maybe she's being harsh because she DOESN'T want to do SR and she thinks I do. Ugh...what a mess. And she mentioned talking to Dr. A at the next u/s but I didn't want to because I think Dr. A is going to push for SR. I wanted her and I to talk ahead of time so she would at least know I was ok with having all three.

It's so awkward though. If we are both on the same wavelength, that's great. But if she wants SR and I tell her I don't, then we've just put up a barrier between us. Especially since the contract said no more than two.

But I couldn't just let things go. I wanted to get through to her I was ok with 3 without guilt tripping her. Because we need a good relationship. So I tried to write it out to her, but it wasn't working. Every email I started just came out so guilt trippy even without meaning it (and looong). I was trying to tell her my feelings, but they were guilt trippy. I finally scratched the whole thing and wrote a short email instead:

We know the situation right now is very complicated and we are having a lot of worries and concerns about the options facing us if there really are three going forward. I also know it is extremely early and anything can happen. I am wondering if you are concerned too and if you'd like to discuss it.  I don't want to put you on the spot or make you feel uncomfortable, so if you to prefer just to discuss by email I'm ok with that, or we can talk or Skype if you prefer.

Of course, that didn't really express I was ok with 3, did it? Ugh. I just didn't know how to say it. 

A short time later came her response (names changed to protect the innocent):

I'm glad you asked the question and I'm glad you are being so open.  I have thought a lot about it too and have thought how difficult it will be if/when the discussion about selective reduction takes place.  I think right now I don't have enough facts about risks/benefits of procedure, risks of triplets (both to me and to the babies more importantly), etc... and I think that is going to be an important discussion to have with Dr. A, or the specialist.  Susan did mention that Dr. A would refer us to a high risk OB at [our hospital] if it came down to it.  I also have my fingers crossed that the babies will figure it out themselves that there won't be enough room to be healthy and maybe things will be different at the next ultrasound.

There's still so much uncertainty but it's definitely a conversation we should have, just not sure we should have it before we know there's an issue (but happy to if you want to plan ahead).

Also, I emailed [our surrogate agency liaison] about the same thing and she offered me a lot of support, she was really quite sweet.  I actually thought more about you when she responded because not only did she offer me her support and her knowledge but she has a close friend who underwent years of infertility (not a [our hospital] patient she assured me) and finally got pregnant with triplets(basically they did the same thing with her, they were so sure she wouldn't get pregnant with all of them).  They had to make the decision to reduce to twins and she is now 33 weeks pregnant with twins.  She said she would be a great resource to talk to me (or you!) if I wanted.

Bottom line, it is a blessing and a curse and we all need to be comfortable about what's going on, and at the end of the day, although triplets can be healthy, the average gestation is only 32 weeks and there is so much risk for medical complications and prolonged NICU stays.  It's going to be a tough decision whatever we do and we'll be sure to do it together!  Right now I'll nurture the babies that are in there and hope for an easy outcome. I can't imagine all the emotion you guys are going through!  And it's far more than me, trust me, this is something you've worked so hard for, for so long!  So my thoughts are with you guys as you continue to figure things out.  Let's see where we're at in 2 weeks after the ultrasound and then weigh our options.  I did some google-research last night and realized there is just so much information and it's hard to know what's right and what's wrong.  Lots of love to you guys!

So it was a really nice email back but I still don't know what way she feels. I do agree with her, I just need to wait and see, but as you see, patience is not my strong suit. I know we may never need to make a decision, but I'm such a planner, I always want to have a plan before I even know if there's anything to worry about!

I emailed her again yesterday just quickly to tell her I hoped she was feeling well, and she wrote back this:

Also wanted to let you know that I asked for Dr. A to call me, I just wanted to talk to her and see what she thought.  She was really sweet.  She apologized for putting us all in this position but given all the information that she was working with and her consulting with other fertility doctors they all felt like it was so unlikely I would get pregnant with 3.  But, my main questions was whether she thought there was any chance 1 might reduce or given how good they looked would they all stick around.  She still thinks given your history that we should wait and see what happens, she thought that sometimes they embryos realize there's just not enough space and 1 will reduce.  She was really nice and excited to talk to us in a few weeks.  I don't know why I wanted to talk to her, I just felt like she's the expert and I'm never sure what to think with Susan...


I hate being uncertain about things. The last few years have not done anything to help it. I know I just need to wait to 8 weeks and see what's going on then. But it's hard. Sometimes I'm terrified of going in at 8 weeks and having zero heartbeats! Then what an idiot I will feel like (amongst other things, of course).

In other news, my work BFF scared the crap out of me about day care for multiples. Even though it's soooo early, she said I should call the daycare I want, since if there really are three, it will be tough finding space for all 3 at the same place. It feels so ridiculous, but I know she's right. Her daycare was going out more than 15 months when she was looking! So I called them up and asked about it and they said yes I should do it early. I asked if they do multiples, and she was like, "Oh yes! Oh are you having twins?" No, I said sheepishly. "Triplets." "Oh my!" came the surprised voice. It was kind of funny, and nice. Hey, at least I got to tell one person before this possibly changes. I did tell her, "But it's really early, so it might not be triplets in the end," and she said she understood. So we're getting info sent to us.

It's going to be so expensive...almost makes it not worth it to work. I think it will be about $2500 per month for 3. But I need to work in order to have a job when any kids of ours are in school. So basically over the next few years, I'm not actually working to earn any money, just to keep my place. Because finding a job as a lawyer after you've been out of the workforce is really difficult. And I have a wonderful, stable job, that will allow me to go to 70% time and have 7 months maternity leave (unpaid of course) so I need to keep it.

So, talk about getting WAY ahead of myself. But see what a planner I am?

Well Then...

Endoscopy went fine...they took some biopsies to make sure but didn't see any ulcers..so...ugh, looks like gallbladder surgery is in my future.

I am still feeling out of it from the anesthesia. I don't know why but I think it always takes me a long time to feel normal again. Hopefully that means I'll actually sleep tonight, and I've been basically sleeping all afternoon.

Anyway, the stuff you really care about :)

As always, with this blog you get the truth, no sweetening it up to make it more palatable. Warts and all.

I wasn't supposed to be on this call at all. I didn't want to be, and so I was glad I had the excuse of something at work at 9am keeping me from it. Then Gabby calls me at 8:45am because I guess they took her in early. Skyping actually was not allowed, so we conferenced in L and I couldn't get out of it. I must sound like the meanest "mom" ever because I did NOT want to be on it, it was so awkward. I know she couldn't see me and my reaction but I didn't know what kind of verbal reaction she was expecting from me and was afraid she'd get annoyed.

We have three sacs and three perfect babies, all with great HBs. 115, 119 and 122 beats. Due date is 3/3/13. That date is so perfect. We got three embryos out of this cycle, put all three back on June 13th, and my lucky number is 13, I kid you not. Of course with twins or triplets I'm sure it will be well before that day. (If all stick the whole time of course).

I am overjoyed with happiness but at the same time so sad. It looks like no matter what I will only end up with twins at the most. Either one will go on its own (or heck maybe more, who knows) or we will have to do SR per our contract...either way I guess we will not be ending up with three. At first I thought Gabby might be leaning towards being ok with 3 based on things she was saying but then she kept talking about twins later...so I don't know. I'm pissed at my RE for taking this chance and her not considering how I would feel and pissed at myself for not thinking about how bad I would feel about it too. To be completely perfectly honest, I did not think it would happen in a million years.

Don't get me wrong, three would be absolutely insane but I would take all three in instant.  I'm already trying to figure out how the HELL we would fit three cribs in our one and only second bedroom. It would be hilarious until we moved. We've been trying to move but there's too many homes in our development on the market so we took our house back off, especially with trying to save for adoption too.

But I guess there's no happiness without some pain. I don't at all want to *wish* for one to go on its own (that will break my heart too) but it seems that is what I must wish for in the most humane, loving way.

L was on the nurse call after the u/s (I couldn't participate because of crap at work) and the nurse said they weren't even discussing SR yet because "these things have a way of working themselves out."

So we will see. Apparently my doomsday radar is severely off, at least at this point. I am so ecstatic that we have them. Gabby texted me a pic of the ultrasound and all three. I love them already.

Last Night

Last night I got an email from Gabby that made me really worry. She said she'd had more brown discharge and had been really crampy, though the cramps had gotten better. I just don't have a good feeling about this. It really made me depressed and I cried most of the rest of the night.

I'm so worried no heartbeat(s) will show on the U/S today. Even though it's still early, they should probably show up by now, so if they don't it probably does not mean good things. And now, I don't know, I feel like even if things look ok today, I'm not convinced they will stay that way for long.

I miss my babies so much. The ones from last year, and the ones she is (hopefully) holding now. I just want one of my own to love, in person. I've been working towards this for so long, with nothing to show for it. I just want this to work one time.

I am quite the mess waiting for today's ultrasound. The foreboding is driving me nuts.

Heard from Gabby!

Ok, something a little more positive now so I stop obsessing about things that aren't about me! Bah!

I got an email from Gabby on vacation! Telling me all about her symptoms. It's made me so excited it's almost pathetic :)

Ok, symptoms have started... extreme fatigue and some nausea, yeah!  I have been the first to bed every night and am definitely nauseous if I am not continuously eating carbs!  And there are foods that all of a sudden seem unsettling to me, like bananas, mushrooms and meat, that I used to eat all the time. 

Poor thing has the craziest schedule in the next few days culminating in the u/s on Tuesday. She also experienced a bit of brown spotting a few days ago, but she said it was very light and only lasted the one day and her symptoms have intensified since then. She called Susan freaking out and the nurse told her it could have been left over implantation spotting. Hopefully so!

I think L and I have Skype figured out so I hope he is able to "be" at the appointment on Tuesday. Just 38 hours to go!

Another Day, Another Change

Clearly I'm bored and have nothing to do but keep changing my blog around :) I changed it again and I think things should be back to normal? (Let me know if not, please!)

I wish I could change the gray background around the blog posts but so far, no cigar.  Oh well.

I am getting both super excited and super nervous for the u/s next week. I hate not knowing what's going on right now and wish I could email (and get a response) from Gabby, but she's still on vacation. I'm seeing pics from her on FB and so it's making me antsy. Luckily, no more "scary" pics :) There have been videos of her family doing a high ropes adventure course type thing, roller coasters, etc. but all those pics are from someone safely and firmly on the ground below!

I have to learn how to skype for next week. I downloaded the app to my phone but now what? How do you connect with someone? Also, can you three-way skype? If not, I might just let L be on the skype call instead of me since I'm so nervous I feel I might barf just thinking about things. But if there's bad news, then he has to tell me it, which sucks for him. And also, he never asks the questions I want because he doesn't think of them on time.

Slip n Slide

I redid the website. It's a little brighter, more fun, and I hope easy enough to read. I wish I could change the font of the Blog Name, but I can't figure it out. Arial is so boring.

I thought about how to say something to Gabby, but I couldn't figure it out. Not to mention she's on vacation right now, and by the time gets back to email it'll be dumb. Then I read this facebook comment she wrote about the slip n slide (she posted it on Saturday but I didn't see it until Monday, ugh).

I just went down it for the first time and I FLEW! Landed on my butt in the pool because I was going too fast to stop, it's amazing! A mommy's dream, haha!

So not the thing I, as the intended parent, wanted to hear. "...I was going too fast to stop." Did it not occur to her that I would see this? And I can't even really say anything since A) I didn't see it until two days after she wrote it B) she's on vacation and away from FB for now, C) two people "liked" her comment, and D) her sister said "Wow!" after it. (I imagine her sister must know she's pregnant though, I think they are pretty close).  Me writing, "Um, can you be careful please?" probably wouldn't go over well.

Ugh...

So what did I do, but go look up slip n slides. I remember the one my family had back in the day - a flimsy sheet of plastic that didn't even have that little cheap "pool" at the end of it (that was the fancier, later version)

Ours just ended throwing you into the grass, which became a puddle of mud as we slid over and over again. I was such a girly girl, I hated getting covered in dirt, so I wouldn't use it often. Plus, I always slipped on the plastic before I was able to hurl myself down and the water was very cold...and yeah...

Yeah, that's totally how I always ended up feeling.

But these blow up slip n slides are something else!

Gabby sent me a picture of it with her kids on it but I won't put it on here. Now, since she ended up on her butt in the pool she obviously at least had to have gone on on her butt or back. If she'd gone on her stomach, she would have ended up face first in the pool, right? I just hope the pool was filled up enough that she didn't drop too much.

Ugh...I should not have to worry about this stuff.

She is always telling me her husband is always worrying about the babies (her words, she's sure there's plural). When she was stressed about work the other day he told her it wasn't good for them. I'm surprised he didn't have a problem with her doing this, then!

I know, I need to trust. It is so hard.

1 week till the first ultrasound.