And I shouldn't...I should get used to this in the coming months and think of a good response, but I've been thinking about this since the beginning and can't come up with anything.
We had new neighbors (young neighbors! Younger than us I'm pretty sure) move into the condo next to us last year. We live in a development where 99% of the owners are elderly so it's always nice to see young people move in. We're friendly when we see each other, wave hi and everything, but we've never done more than small talk about their dog, our dog, the weather, etc. Heck, I didn't even know their names.
Well, they got pregnant (I will never forget when L sprung that on me and I was not prepared) last year and had a baby. Didn't even know whether it was a girl or boy, but yesterday as I was walking the dog, the girl (mom) was walking her baby around the private road we're on. So I stopped to say hi, asked her name (I probably should be more embarrassed I didn't know but eh) and asked her about her stroller.
I'm overwhelmed by strollers at this point in time. They are very confusing to me (twin strollers). We actually bought a Chicco Keyfit travel system (only 1!) when we were in the adoption process, but it's still in its box in the garage. Don't know if we will ever use it now, but I'm thinking we might want to keep it in case we're only bringing one baby someplace one day? I dunno.
These neighbors seem to have a LOT of money. I admit it, I'm jealous. When they first moved in the guy had a blinged out Hummer and a huge monster truck, and the girl drives an Audi. Before they even moved into the condo they completely remodeled it. And the stroller was a Peg Perego (how do you pronounce that? Peg - puh-raygo?) I have no idea what they do, I do know the guy was in the military but I don't think he is anymore (his Hummer license plate said Country First and was a veteran license plate) but I know the military doesn't pay that well! Anyway, jealousy will get me nowhere...I know.
Anyway so I asked about her stroller and she was really nice. And then she asked me if we were expecting. Maybe I should have expected that, because when I think about it, why else would ask someone about their stroller, but it really didn't even occur to me at the time that she would ask me. Now, she specifically asked if we were expecting. Not if I was pregnant. So I thought, it's not a lie, yes, yes we are? Then she asked when the baby was due, and I told her. Then she asked how I was feeling.
Um, fine. Had a migraine a couple of days ago, and I may be going batshit crazy from day to day but... Oh.
I just mumbled something like, "fine," but inside I felt like an idiot. I will be telling family and friends we're doing surrogacy, but not sure I want total strangers to know. But even though this is a stranger, it's a stranger we live next to. Now, it's been more than a year and the first time we've actually met up while walking, so the likelihood of that happening again probably isn't high. But still. Can someone get me a fake belly for the next 6 months?
But if I had told her we weren't expecting, and then we show up with 2 six months from now, that would be weird too. Grr...I don't want to tell everyone my business.
If anyone has any suggestions on how I should handle this sort of situation in the future, please let me know!
I find being overly honest is the best way to go. And I have been pleasantly surprised by how incredibly supportive and open people are to the whole thing. You may have to answer some intrusive questions but overall people have good intentions. I see it as an opportunity to educate people and "normalize" the whole surrogacy/donor egg thing. I also find it empowering to share my story. I guess that's why I started blogging in the first place. Give it a try, see how it feels.
ReplyDeleteChances are, if you've only run into her once in a long time, you may not again until after the babies are in your arms. In that case, it wouldn't cross her mind to question you. She may even give you the "Wow, you look great for having had twins!" compliment. You needn't divulge any personal details at that point. If you do happen to run into her in the meantime, she will notice the difference if you're not showing. At that time you could tell her briefly about the surrogacy/gestational carrier. If she has any tact at all, that would be enough information and she shouldn't ask further details.
ReplyDeleteI like that. And I agree, the likelihood of me running into her again is not very high.
DeleteKeep the travel system so you can wear one baby and push the other. Also get a double Snap N Go. They're the simplest for the itty bitty stage and you can decide what you need as they grow. Signed, childless person who spends to much time researching baby gear.
ReplyDeleteAlso just tell your neighbors the truth when you're ready. I'm sure they'll be thrilled for you.
Bwhaha! I totally laughed-out-loud at your first paragraph! Thank you for your knowledge I'm totally going to research that :)
DeleteI guess for now I don't think its bad if you were to tell people you aren't expecting. A lot of people don't even tell some family or close friends, let alone someone you barely know, until the 20 week anatomy scan. As far as for in another couple months or closer to the due date I think it could be a tough one. I guess you have to decide how much you can handle telling people. If you tell someone that you are expecting, how much are you willing to share? If you tell them you are and then they want to know the due date and it happens to be in a month, are you willing to share that? And if you share that are you willing to then to share that the reason you don't look like your having a baby in a month is because you are using a carrier. And how will you handle any questions that follow? I do agree with Kate though that honesty is best.
ReplyDeleteI have already been thinking about these types of questions and how to handle these situations as well.
I'm wondering if I'm heavy enough that people won't question that I'm pregnant. :) LOL, ok, I'm not skinny but I don't think I really need to worry about that.
DeleteIt's weird even for us now that we have a baby. I don't always want to reveal he's adopted right off the bat, but when I don't and just go aong with the "you look so good" remarks, it feels even worse, like I'm lying. I don't have a great answer for you, unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're a liar but I know what you mean. It's like, that shouldn't be the defining thing, you know? Those questions fade off as he gets older though. I just think it would be weird (for you and him) if the first thing you would say is, "this is my baby and he is adopted." He is so much more than that.
DeleteI don't have a great answer either, but I bet that was awkward :( I always found questions awkward even when I was pregnant, due to the losses. Everyone talked like it was a sure thing, and I really didn't feel like it was a sure thing until I held him in my arms. I would probably just be honest about it, but I'm very blunt about things. I can see why you wouldn't want to talk about it though, and really understand (*hugs*) Maybe just play along for now, or rather avoid talking about it to an extent, dodge questions? Why not? As you said, if it's a stranger what are the chances you'll see them again?
ReplyDeleteI'm a very private person about some things. It's weird, some things i am not! If I were ever asked straight out, I would never lie, but otherwise would probably dodge. What does a stranger really care after all? I am feeling weird that I even discussed it at 13 weeks with a total stranger. ugh...so much could happen between now and then.
DeleteI would have went with the super honest answer, but then half the time I have no inner filter for what should be said and what should not be said. But, I have always found honesty to work however I realize it might not be for everyone.
ReplyDeleteI think it definitely is good for some people! It's kind of a complex discussion I think when really it's supposed to be a "fluffy" convo..does that even make sense haha? Like a quick soundbite convo, "Hi, how are you? Are you expecting? When? That's great," move on, really don't care about the answers. She's not getting invited to anything :) If I stop and give her the whole run down on surrogacy it feels so complicated.
DeleteWow, that's one of those things I thought of when I saw that that couple on E! was expecting via surrogate. I don't have a great answer either. I think I would maybe stumble out with the truth. But it would sound super awkward coming from me. We aren't going to do surrogacy, but I think I would have a similar problem if I were to get and stay pregnant. I would probably outright lie and say I wasn't pregnant (that seems acceptable to some people?) or just hide from everyone.
ReplyDeleteI'm obsessed with Giuliana and Bill since hearing about them! It is super awkward to tell even my own family. We're expecting! But we're not the one pregnant. And I would feel the need to give context, which is totally fine with people i know, but I just don't feel like getting into the whole story with strangers.
DeleteI'm just curious why so many feel the need to lie or hide. There is no shame in getting help when growing your family. And it doesn't have to be something awkward that just falls out of your mouth. Think about what is important to you and come up with the message you want conveyed.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was thinking about how I would tell people I knew I didn't want to say, "we USED and egg donor." I thought those words didn't give our egg donor the recognition she deserved. So now when people say, and they always do, "Wow, twins! Do twins run in your family?" I always respond, "No, we had some help." Usually I leave it at that. If they ask any more questions, and many do, I say, "After a very long struggle we got the help of an egg donor." Then the conversation flows very naturally and as I said before people are usually very supportive.
Think about what you will tell your children. I know I don't want my children to ever feel like they have to be ashamed of how they were conceived. I want them to know that the woman who helped us was an incredibly generous person and that in many ways we are blessed to be part of such extraordinary community of people. What message do you want your children to hear about their birth story?
We have a surrogacy book where it talks about a mom who wants to help out another woman with a broken tummy become a mommy. It's nice and simple and that's pretty much the story. I have no shame about it with my own family and friends and since they're the ones who are really important, I'm fine with it. I don't feel the need to educate the public, and I don't write this blog to educate everyone either. I do it selfishly, for my own outlet of emotions. It's very blunt and very raw...I feel and I write. As a result it's often filled with mispellings and grammatical errors :)
DeleteI am sad I am missing out on one of the most feminine experiences in life. It's a loss, and I grieve it. I accept it though and have come to terms with it long before now. I don't believe for one second being a mother has anything to do with giving birth. But I think what I tell strangers is my protection about my own loss. And I don't think that's unreasonable. I don't think that feeling that way means I feel shameful about it either.
Don't feel like a liar. Share how little or how much your are comfortable with. This reminds me of when my daughter was born. Her birth mother prefers home births (my daughter was her third home birth) so we took her home at 4 1/2 hours old. That night we went to get take out and a lady looked at our new baby and asked how old. I answered that she was born during the night but I was too tired to do the math. Lady blinked at me and I said she was a home birth. Lady said well wow you look great. I just beamed up at her and said well thank you! LOL I felt no need to explain that I didn't actually do the birthing. :-)
ReplyDeleteHi! I just randomly stumbled on your blog from another one, so I've been lurking a bit, but wanted to chime in. I think about what I would think if someone told me they were expecting via surrogate/gestational carrier. I'd think, wow, good for them! And after having had a miscarriage, then a successful pregnancy, I know how insensitve people were with me, so I learned to share just enough to satisfy them, give them honest answers, and allow us all to move on.
ReplyDeleteI think, when you're ready to share, acknowledging that you are expecting (because, YAY! It's something to be excited about!!) is good. If looks or questions happen, say something like "We are expecting with the help of a wonderful surrogate!" Hopefully most people would just congratulate you at that and ask the normal questions - due date, gender, etc. And you can always have a few answers ready if people want more info and you don't want to share: "Gosh, it's SUCH a long story! The short of it is, we're expecting our little loves soon!" Or "We got tired of waiting for the damn stork!" I loved to have a really smart ass answer ready for nosy or pushy people, but I don't know if I ever used them...
Interesting. If it were me, I probably would have told her the truth. Now that I'm open about my struggles with IF, I rather enjoy educating people about the subject. I would rather have the opportunity to teach them something than have them make some stupid comment like we IFers hear so often. And so far, I haven't received any offensive comments in response to what I have to say about IVF.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your neighbors!
I think honesty is best as well. Otherwise, if you don't want to discuss it with strangers, I wouldn't bring up baby stuff, strollers, etc with them.
ReplyDelete