Monday, June 28, 2010

Just A Matter of Time

BFNs all weekend.  My temperature has PLUMMETED to pre-O levels. But no period yet.  Why do this to me? Why not just let it come?  We’re going camping this weekend too, latrines and no showers, and all I need is my period on top of that. Blechh.  Yet, still nothing has come yet.  It’s clearly not the progesterone keeping me going as my temps are so low, so what is it?

Effin' A, man.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Crash Into Me

I want to go home.  I wish I didn’t have to be at work.  I suppose I technically don’t have to, I have enough sick/vacation time to take the day off, but I don’t know what my excuse would be, especially now that I’m here.  And it’s Friday.

Today is 13/14 dpo.  I tested this morning. Did you really think I’d be able to hold out tomorrow? I really thought I was more 14dpo than 13dpo, but it was so negative I’m now praying it isn’t.  Still, I doubt the stick will all of a sudden turn a brilliant shade of pink tomorrow when it was so white today.
Every month this happens, it throws me into a tailspin.  This morning was no different.  DH had “ordered” me not to test until tomorrow (like I would listen) and heard me crying in the shower.  He knew why, and asked me if I had tested. We spent far too much of the morning when we should have been getting ready for work curled up on the bed, me crying to him.  He’s so disappointed too.  For the longest time, he didn’t seem too concerned when a month didn’t turn out the way we wanted, but the last couple, he’s been increasingly more sad.  And that just makes me even more sad.  I’m failing him.  I know he says I’m not, but I don’t have any other reason.  His sperm is fine. There’s no real need for an IUI other than the fact we’re not getting pregnant.  All his bloodwork has been fine.  Sure, all mine has been fine too, but beyond sperm, what does the man really contribute? I’m the host. I provide not only the egg, but the receptacle, so clearly it’s me.  And I just don’t understand. The only concrete problem we’ve seen so far was with my HSG, with my left tube mostly blocked, and the right tube blocked but opened with the HSG. I O’d from the right this month, so what was the problem? How did this again not happen for us? Timing was perfect.  Why does God do this to me month after month?
I called Ali this morning to find out if I should stop the progesterone.  She is out today so they put me through to another nurse’s mailbox.  This nurse will also be out for 12 weeks starting 7/1, but is here today.  Is their whole office pregnant?  Geez.  She called me back and said I could stop taking the progesterone so AF would come. I will tomorrow if it’s negative.  Fuck it all. Just in case I’m just a day early though, I’ll wait till tomorrow.

I didn’t want next cycle to come.  I’m going to get some sort of ovarian catheterization.  Basically, a rotorooter of my fallopian tubes to see if they are open or open them or something.  I don’t know why they wouldn’t be since I had the HSG done, but this is with the RE now so that’s what he wants to see, and honestly, I believe in him more than my OBGYN, who would probably put me on Clomid yet again.

But I didn’t want it to come, not only because I can’t be on any meds because of the procedure (which is fine, I think I need a break anyway) but because I’m so tired of pain. I’ve had so many surgeries, procedures, blood, pain in the last year/year and a half, and I just didn’t want one more thing.  Haven’t I had enough?  How much must one person endure?  I know it sounds so self-pitying to say, but it’s the way I feel.  I need something positive to happen for me, please.  I’m coming to the end of my rope, I seriously need an extended vacation, and sometimes wish I could check myself into some place for “exhaustion,” but I guess only celebrities can do that.  At the very least, I wish I didn’t have to come to work today.

And also, having this “cath” means most likely (especially without meds) that my ovulation will be delayed next month.  After my heart caths my cycles were always 45-60 days long, and this is directly on the important parts so why wouldn’t it be the same or longer?  So I probably won’t even get another chance to try for a month and a half or 2 months.

My FSIL has her shower and second b-party tomorrow.  I don’t want to go. More than anything. I wish I could just stay home in bed and watch TV.  But instead I must go, put on a happy face, and “have fun.” Sure.

Monday, June 21, 2010

New Week

Today I’m either 9 or 10dpo.  I’m not sure which, but again, to be safe, treating it like 9dpo.  Once again, I’m crabby.

I made all future temping and stuff in FF private.  I wish it was like FB and I could decide who could see my temps and who not, but I’m kind of tired of some people looking and emailing me asking how things are, when the only thing I want to say to them is, “Shitty, ok?”

I got the “dreaded” letter from my RE nurse, Ali, in the mail last week.  The letter that says, “I will be out for 12 weeks starting in mid-to-late July but in the meantime you will be in the capable hands of nurse Cayce.”  Yes, my pregnant RE nurse is about ready to give birth.  One more person that’s not me.
And I had a terrible conversation with my sister yesterday.  She and I are not that close but have been starting to get closer, mostly as a result of her maturing a bit. She’s lost about 50lbs in the last year by doing something along the lines of Clean Eating, but as a result has become a bit cultish about it.  She’s 23, knows nothing about babies or pregnancy, but surpised me because she does know what PCOS is.  She dared say to me that she wondered if I was having so much trouble conceiving because of the amount of sugar I eat. Keep in mind, she doesn’t actually know how much sugar I eat, so that was annoying in myself.  And by sugar, she means, fruit and milk, and bread, and yes, I said she was a little cultish, right?   I literally told her “I will fucking kick your ass” if you say that again to me, but the emotional damage for me was already done.

Why I should care when she doesn’t have a clue about anything, I don’t know.  But it still made me want to cry. It’s along the lines of my BFF who hasn’t yet begun TTC but will in August/September telling me, “If you would just relax, you’d get pregnant.”  FUCK YOU.  Even though I love both of you, FUCK YOU.  And I may be a horrible person, but part of me wants it to take just a little while for my BFF to get pregnant just so she can know that it doesn’t matter how little you stress, that has nothing to do with it.

So, I’m just waiting to test…and not feeling very positive.  Damn it.  I would like to be uplifting just once.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Hell Week

Last week was hell week for me, in my personal life. This week is turning into hell week for me at work, but that’s another story.

I was glad, at my first U/S appt. on Monday, that I didn’t have the Ovidrel (trigger shot) on hand.  Fran wanted to give it to me right then (my follicles were at 18) and I really don’t think I was ready. It was similar to last month when they gave me the trigger, and I honestly think it was too early. It may be ok for some people, but not for me.  This was confirmed by my not getting any + OPKs before my U/S on Wednesday.  On that day, my follicles went up to 21, and Fran told me I had to get the trigger shot THAT day.  I still didn’t have the Ovidrel on hand, and it has to go through my insurance and a whole different pharmacy (Freedom Fertility) and takes a day to get to me.  She said I HAD to get it Wednesday because it was clear I wasn’t going to ovulate on my own, so therefore it would be a totally wasted month if I had an anovulatory cycle.

Well of course that threw me into a downward spin.  Not ovulate at all?  Given the Clomid I took, the estrogen I was on, the SHG I underwent – all of that for NOTHING???  I tried to get the trigger shot earlier, but I couldn’t. I was even willing to pay for it out of pocket ($105 vs. $35 through my insurance) but no pharmacy locally keeps it in stock.  I ordered the trigger shot to come Thursday but Fran said it was too late and my OBGYN wouldn’t give it to me.  I even debated giving myself the shot, because I wanted to ovulate so badly, but it had gotten shipped directly to my OBGYN so that was out.  I was miserable Weds. night thinking everything I had undergone was for nothing and I would have to wait another 45 days for another shot.

So Thursday I go to work, I pee on another OPK, and it’s almost positive. This from a definite negative the day before.  What’s this? My body is gearing up?  I jump for joy, relief, and call my OBGYN to schedule an IUI, even though I don’t really trust them anymore.  But they tell me they can only do it at 9am the next day.

Well, one of my best friend’s mother died on Monday.  Friday at 10am was the service, and it was 2 hours away.  There was no way I could be at the OBGYN at 9am. So I call them and beg if I can come back in the afternoon to have it done. They tell me yes, and to call around 12:30pm to schedule a time.
In the meantime, I take another OPK that night and it is utterly and completely positive. In fact, for the first time ever, my line was DARKER than the control line.  Usually it gets to be the same, but never this dark. I was surging on my own and all the BS that my OBGYN’s office put me through telling me I wasn’t going to ovulate on my own was exactly that – BS.

So, Friday I go down to my friend’s mother’s funeral.  Precisely at 12pm I call my OBGYN’s office. She tells me it’s been determined that it’s just too late to do the IUI, so don’t bother rushing back.
Every step of the way that week, my OBGYN’s office was wrong. I’m sick of it and so ready to be done with them. Which is great because next month, I’m 100% with the RE.  I feel so much more confident that they know what they’re doing, that they won’t put me through unnecessary stress, and that my “personal” nurse Ali will be able to answer any and all questions in a way that Fran couldn’t.

So I’m now in the 2ww, and hoping against hope that there’s no need for a next month with the RE.  Even though we didn’t do the IUI with my OBGYN, I finally ovulated from my right side (the unblocked one – yeah!), plus there’s nothing wrong with DH’s sperm.  So there’s no reason it shouldn’t work, but of course, I’m trying not to get my hopes up. I do this every month though, and every month I’m thrown into depression when the bad news come.  So…we’ll see what happens.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


Well, what do you know? I got a call back this morning from one of Dr. Mike’s PA’s who checked with him, and he said it was fine for me to take the estrogen.  Hurray! I took it last night and haven’t noticed any side effects just yet, but I was really nervous. I remember when Dr. G from Columbia used to tell me I shouldn’t even take BCP because it contained estrogen and now I can take direct supplements?  Another reason to be thankful for the surgery I had!

Still haven’t gotten a + OPK yet.  Maybe I should have ordered the trigger shot just in case… tomorrow I have another U/S if I don’t get a + OPK this afternoon and I’m so hoping my follicles are still bigger on the right. They started off bigger on the right last month but the left took over in the end.  Every time I feel a twinge on my right side, I silently cheer bc it’s growing and every time I feel it on my left I inwardly groan.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Trying Again

I haven’t written in awhile.  I’ve been depressed, there’s no other way to put it.  I don’t have anything else to say except whine.  And even though no one reads it, should I ever reread my own entries, damn, that’s just a downer.

Well,  I took Clomid again days 5-9, and perhaps it’s because it’s my 3rd month on it, but it’s working faster this month. Today is CD13, and the U/S today showed 2 follicles on the right (my good side!) at 18 and 16, and one on the left at 17.  I pray the left doesn’t take over!! Fran wanted me to come right over (I had my U/S done at Bellevue because the U/S technician at my OBGYN is on vacation this week) and get the trigger shot, but I demured, for two reasons. first, I don’t have Ovidrel and it’ll take a day to get it. I thought I’d have more time and never ordered it (or asked for a script). Secondly, if I’m ovulating on the right side, I don’t think I really need it.  That’s my “good” side.

I still want an IUI though. Even though K’s SA came back completely normal, I just want the “back up” of it.

I also have a hemorraghic cyst in my right ovary though.  I did some quick googling and it doesn’t look like it’ll affect anything.  I hope that’s true.  Apparently it’s a cyst that contains blood in it.  It can occur normally and most times nothing is done for it. My OBGYN wasn’t concerned about it at all. However, you know I don’t trust them fully, so I will mention it at my RE appt. on Thursday.

In addition, my lining is really thin.  That also might be the result of 3 months of Clomid, or because I’m pretty far along for me at CD13, and maybe the lining hasn’t had a chance to catch up? I don’t know, but it was only a 4 – and it’s never been that low.

As a result, they want to put me on estrogen – Estrace. I’ve always heard since I have a heart condition I shouldn’t take estrogen, but that was before my surgery last year. Maybe it’s better now.  To be safe, I called Boston this morning to ask about it.  Unfortunately, they won’t be getting back to me until tomorrow at the earliest, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be starting estrogen tonight.  I guess we’ll see how it goes. I’m afraid of headaches, mostly.

So, if no positive OPK, I’ll go back in for another follicle check on Weds.  Then meeting with the RE on Thursday. Lots of stuff this week. I’m trying to keep my head “OUT” of the game so I don’t focus obsessively on it.