Thursday, June 28, 2012

Beta at 18dpo

Susan called with the new beta around lunchtime again. "Another very good beta," she said. And I instantly relaxed.


So it doubled and then some. It was exactly what I wanted...a good number, but not too low and not TOO high.

But after googling as much as I can, I can't figure out if all 3 stuck or not. I can find blogs with people pregnant with triplets with betas much lower than mine at this point. I can find blogs with people pregnant with twins with betas much higher than mine.

The only thing I'm pretty confident about at this point is that it's *probably* not a singleton.

The next doctor appointment isn't until the first U/S July I don't have much to talk about for the next week and a half. That is just to rule out ectopic (and I'm not very concerned about that) and see how many sacs there are.

It is extremely weird being in this position, a bit surreal, since I'm not the one pregnant. I guess I feel how L must have felt all those times. Excited but you don't quite feel part of it because it's not you who's pregnant.

Tonight I miss my babies from last year, because I don't feel a connection yet to my babies that are currently in Gabby's belly.

Jealousy Rears Its Ugly Head

There's a reason why I like to remain nameless and unidentifiable on this blog. It's so that I can pour out my real feelings without being judged by those who know me. Because sometimes those feelings sound bad, real bad. And tonight is one of those nights.

I feel like I've been punched in the gut. And it's petty, petty jealousy. Let me back up.

I dated my husband for years starting in high school, then we broke up for a few years, then got back together. When I started dating him again, his younger brother was dating a girl for about 3-4 years (they got together in college) at that point. They got engaged in 2005 but decided to wait to get married until 2007, more than 2 years later. L proposed to me in 2006 but we decided not to "steal" their thunder and therefore had an 18 month engagement so they could get married first. We got married 3 months after them (and I hear she still wasn't happy about it, but I thought tough, we waited long enough).

We started trying at the end of 2008, so I always thought we would have kids first, that at least in this one thing we could be first. And I always thought we'd have boys, because L is one of THREE boys, it just runs in the family. Now, obviously as the years went by, I knew she would probably have kids before me. I just sort of hoped I could have a girl and she'd have a boy, so at least I could have the girl everyone wanted and be "special" in that way at least. His mother has always wanted a girl. Obviously, above all, I've just wanted a baby, somehow some way, but I hope you can understand why I might want a girl for that petty reason alone.

We found out his brother and SIL were pregnant in March. All right, hard to bear of course just because we want kids so badly, but that's life. Today his brother LEFT A MESSAGE (how nice) what they're having.

Oh yes, of course it's a girl. But not only that. That would be too easy.

It's TWIN girls.

So I can't even be "special" if I have twins now. I mean, seriously?

I totally know it's petty and I would never ever say anything to anyone I knew in real life but I'm just venting here.
I'm a little upset that NO ONE in the family told us they were even having twins until today. I know they probably didn't know it was girls until now (I think she's 16 or 18 weeks) but they would have found out it was twins at the first U/S. They told us they were pregnant, so why not tell us everything?

I'm having a hard time dealing with that fact, above else.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

First Present for Gabby

Man, between vacation and my own stuff going on, I've been a terrible ICLWer this time around. My apologies and I will try to be better next month.

I think Gabby is freaking out that she is carrying triplets. I wish she would calm down a bit because she doesn't know anything yet and it's making me worry because of the possibility of selective reduction. I don't want to worry about that before we have to worry about it. And I keep hoping that once she realizes what SR entails she will change her mind about it, IF we do indeed end up with triplets. But again, there's still so far to go, so I wish she would just stop.

I just got another call from the pharmacy that Gabby needs another refill on her PIO and now also her estrogen as well. Another $250. Oof, everything adds up. So glad this part will be over at around 10 weeks or so! I called my doctor's office to ask if they could call in a prescription for a larger bottle of PIO. She was originally taking 1cc per day but her P4 was low so they upped her to 2cc a day, so she is going through it twice as fast.

Last night, L and I went out for dinner to a nice restaurant to celebrate. I had told Gabby we would, then started thinking it was kind of mean that we got to celebrate, but she really wasn't able to. I thought perhaps I should send a small gift or something as a congrats for getting pregnant sort of thing. I was looking for small gifts for surrogates (queen of Google that I am) and OMG, some of the IPs get their surrogates the most awesome things! And things that our surrogate will never get. I mean, trips to Disney World for the surrogate's entire family, cruises, etc. Damn! And the surrogates blogging about this stuff say things like, "I know I'm being paid, but it's really nice to be recognized in this way."

Listen, if I had that much money, I'd probably want to go myself, not give it away. I mean, they are getting paid. I honestly don't think they get paid enough, but they are only about 1/3 of the total cost of surrogacy, we certainly couldn't afford to give much more than what they are already getting. Jeez!

But I wanted to do something. And it's difficult, because unlike with a friend, I have no real idea about her interests - her favorite movie, hobbies (I know she was into cross fit but I don't think she can do that while she's pregnant), even her favorite color I don't know about! I thought about getting her some bath stuff, but maybe she hates baths! (she's so energetic she doesn't seem to me to be the lying down, taking a long relaxing bath type - whereas I wish I could spend my day in a nice bath!). And I can't really text her or her husband and ask without sounding weird I think. Nor can I ask the majority of my friends what they think since a) most don't even know we're doing surrogacy yet, or b) that we got a BFP a day ago.

So I ended up buying the Earth Mama Angel Baby Pregnancy Essential Bundle. I've had the Baby Shampoo and Body Wash on my secret Amazon Baby Wish List FOREVER now, and I thought it was a good excuse to let her know I'm totally into organic stuff and also pamper her a bit. I hope she likes it.

It's got Happy Mama hand-to-toe wash: with ginger, lime and pink grapefruit essential oils; Happy Mama spray: to help with nausea or irritation (so also good to use with her own kids :) ; Mama-to-be tea sampler: to help with nausea, heartburn, calming and labor preparation; Natural Stretch Oil: to help with itching and stretch marks; Body Butter (for the same), and herbal lip balm.

I have never bought any baby-related item any of the times I was pregnant (luckily) so it was fun buying something for her!

Waiting to see what the beta is tomorrow, it should tell us a lot. Fingers crossed it will be good - not too high and not too low.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Beta is In

These last two days have been the longest ever. I actually found out the news yesterday by pestering Gabby (not really, but there was a flurry of emails back and forth) but wanted to wait to post until I found out for sure today.

Can you guess? Probably. We have a BFP!

Yesterday I was practically having an anxiety attack just thinking about things. She never responded to my reply email the day before and I really wanted to know if she was planning to test before the beta or just wait for the beta. So I decided to be a PITA and just ask her straight out. Her reply:

You tell me what you want... it's your babies and you should be able to choose that!  I have one so I can take it, or I can wait so that we're 100% sure tomorrow.  I'm not sure why they would worry that if I had a positive urine test that somehow that could be wrong but I'm not the expert.  If the embryos were in you, what would you do?  I'm MORE than happy to do today, or to wait!

Ha ha! I told her she didn't know me too well yet because if the embryos were in me, I probably would have tested the previous 5 days in a row! I just couldn't believe she hadn't tested yet! Who could wait that long? In fact, I didn't believe it. So I responded by asking her to tell me if she had tested already and just wasn't telling me, OR if she really hadn't tested to test tomorrow before the beta because I wanted to hear the news from her and not Susan.

Silence on her end. And then a phone call.

In which she told me that she'd been testing since Friday and was getting BFPs since then! OMG! I have no sticks to look at, no symptoms to tell anyone about, but we have a BFP! She actually said she tried to test the previous Tuesday (which was like 6dpo- so ridiculous - ha!) it was negative, so she made herself wait till Friday.

What a relief! I didn't need to start BCPs again, no more hormones (for now). I'm so at the bottom of my strength, I needed some good news. But we still had to wait for beta today.

As soon as I heard the news, I felt so relaxed. Like all I had was adrenaline keeping me going, because I got so sleepy after that. And then I started to feel really sick - freezing and chills. By the time I got home I checked my temperature and had a fever of 101F! What the heck? And I was so glad those babies weren't in me!! We were going to celebrate the news that night with a bottle of ice wine but I spent the whole night in bed. Then I woke up this morning feeling better (not 100% but no fever at least) so I came to work. So weird!

She went in for beta and then we've been emailing all morning waiting to hear what it would be! I knew it would be positive, but hoped for a good number. At least 50, but I wanted 75.

Susan called around 12:30-1pm. Beta is 871. At 16dpo.


We put back THREE, if you remember. That's what Dr. A wanted. With my twins, my first beta (at 14dpo) was 177. Even doubling that for 16dpo would still put you under 400.  But you know me, I've done some googling already, and it seems like this is most likely twins. In fact, Susan said to me, even before giving me the number, "I wonder how many are in there!" I've seen from googling there are even some singletons who were in the 800s at 16dpo, but triplets seem to garner even higher numbers, though nothing is set in stone. And of course, we need to see if that number doubles on thursday. But as of today, my best guess is that two stuck!

Oh my God! What a relief! And we're not telling anyone for quite some time this time. No one in our family. so this is really as far as I'm going to get in being able to tell people!

So now, we wait some more. First for another beta on Thursday, and then they said the first U/S would be July 9th.

I am not happy about that. Gabby is because it's her day off so it makes things easy. But 7/9 is only 6w1d - they probably can't even see a heartbeat by then! And that's going to freak me out so much. We're not going to that U/S I think. I can't deal with it (not seeing a heart beat)...but at least we'll know how many sacs we have at that point though.

Wait, wait, then some more waiting. But wahoo for today!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Back From Vacation

I'm back  - and what a wonderful week! We rented a house on in Acadia, Maine with some friends - so there were 5 adults, 2 dogs, and 1 baby - quite a handful! But it was wonderful and we had such a good time we want to vacation together every year! It was great to also not be thinking about that 2WW every day because I was doing other stuff. Don't get me wrong, I thought about it quite a lot, but not as much as if I'd been at work.

So now that I'm home, what do I do? Think about things constantly. Before I left I had emailed Gabby to let me know about any symptoms she's having (since I don't have the opportunity to do that for the first time.) She said she would but didn't email me at all while I was gone and I've been freaking out. I didn't know whether she'd test early or not and didn't want to pressure her one way or another (I feel I don't really have the right as she'd be buying HPTs on her own dime, not mine), but I'd convinced myself she had and her lack of communication meant only bad things (i.e., she tested and it was BFN.) So this morning, which is 11dp3dt (technically 14dpo, so if she tested it should be definitely positive by now, if it's a BFP) I was crying to L that it must mean bad things. And I just emailed her to ask if she'd tested yet.

Ugh, as soon as I had, I regretted it. Obviously, if it was good news, she would have let me know. If it was bad news, she'd probably tell me, and why haven't I learned my lesson on this in previous cycles? Learning that it's a BFN 2 days before beta day wouldn't make a BFN on beta day any less painful. It would just make today miserable, and tomorrow, and Tuesday as well.

Well, good thing she emailed me back to say she hasn't tested yet. But her email was so positive and hopeful, it's driving me nuts. I talked to my work BFF (yes, she's progressed from just close friend at work, lol) who said if she were a surrogate, she wouldn't be too positive or too negative because what if she's wrong? I totally agree!

Here's her email back to me:

I totally feel pregnant!  Everybody scared me about false positives (now sure how that could happen though) so I will wait until Tuesday morning (wish I could go tomorrow).  My gut says there are babies in there though!  :)  I guess if the pregnancy test is positive we won't find out how many babies there are until 6 weeks, that seems like so long to wait!  But so far things seem great.
[Husband] is so cute.  I'm at work this morning and on my way to work I was really annoyed about something in my schedule and we were talking on the phone.  He told me that being angry was not good for the babies and that my only job right now was to grow those babies so that I should not be mad and focus just on the babies growing!  I sense he's going to be more protective of me this time around than with our own babies!  ;)

Doesn't that seem way too positive when she hasn't even tested yet? I don't think she knows that progesterone can give her pregnancy-like symptoms. And that worry about false positives is useless. The only "false positives" are chemical pregnancies, really, but I didn't mention anything about it. I'm just so glad she hasn't tested yet because I want to have hope for these last two days. 

Of course, part of me is secretly hoping that she's already tested and doesn't want to tell me until it's confirmed on Tuesday (that "false positive" she's worried about). I don't for one second think she's tested and gotten a BFN because she wouldn't be so positive in her email - she'd probably say something like, "Oh I haven't tested yet" because she wouldn't want to sadden me just yet). 

I know, I'm reading way too much into it. I'm just hoping so so much. Out of 3 least 1 should stick, right?

2 more days...

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Made it to transfer!

Wahoo! I feel like such a weight is lifted off me. No, I don't know if this cycle will work out at all, but at least we made it to transfer, so we have a chance. I have been so down in the dumps and now I can breathe a sigh of relief.

I waited all morning yesterday for the call that would tell me about the embies. But no call came. At first I was like, "no call, that must be a good sign, because they would have called me early if they all had arrested, right?" But by 1pm I was so antsy that it meant something else I couldn't take it anymore. Gabby wasn't scheduled for transfer until 4:45pm (!!) so I thought by 1:30pm they had to know something.

I emailed nurse Susan, who told me she had no idea and it was something another floor took care of. But she gave me the number and I called them. They told me they hadn't even looked yet today - which totally freaked me out - that meant they could all be arrested and nobody would have known and I would have waited all this time! They said they wouldn't look until an hour before transfer, which I thought was sort of crappy. Gabby could be on her way by then! But I just said thanks and hung up the phone, about to have a panic attack.

Seriously, all day, whenever my phone would ring, I started hyperventilating, afraid of what the news would be. But five minutes after I hung up with them, I got a call from the embryologist who said they had looked at them because they could hear I was so worried. I thanked her profusely for not making me wait another 2 hours. Her next sentence was, "we have good news" which she said first, again to relax me. THANK GOD! I stopped shaking at that point.

So, all 3 made it to day 3! I had a 7-cell, an 8-cell, and a 9-cell, and they all were cleaving nicely and looked pretty good (her words). Such a relief! Then she went on to tell me they would be transferring two into Gabby.

Hold on, I thought the plan was 3. I mean, I was ok with whatever Dr. A wanted, I just wanted to make sure everyone was on the same page. If she had changed her mind and thought 2 was fine, I would have been fine with that too. But I asked the embryologist to page Dr. A and make sure. She said to me, well you know, based on your age, and the fact that you  have a carrier, 2 is what we do. And that's FINE. But just confirm it with Dr. A!

Never one to sit back, I emailed Dr. A right away (what, me wait for someone I don't know to contact my doctor? Pssh!) Soon enough, I heard back from her saying that no, she wanted three and she was going to make sure they understood three. Ok, whatever she says, I thought.

About 1/2 hour later I heard back from the other doctor, who didn't sound too happy with me. "I spoke with Dr. A," she said, "But I guess you contacted her as well?"

"Yes," I said sheepishly. "I emailed her because I wanted to understand what was going on." Lady, I don't know who you are - maybe you're a slacker who wouldn't have called her in time? I am pro-active about myself! So they indeed transferred all three into Gabby, who texted me before and after the procedure, and of course made me laugh the whole time.

Among a few great ones:

"Just signed the consent, getting ready, I really have to pee!"

"They're in!!!!!!!!!!"

"Just walked out, walking really slow just in case."

"The process was comfortable and weirdly relaxing and nice, love those warm blankets."

"They put my legs in pillowcases and then in the stirrups. It was like a hug for my legs!"

I mean, really, "hug for my legs" ?? I love this girl.

I has asked the embryologist what the reasoning was for 3 vs. 2 and she told me it was based on my history. Dr. A thinks that even if all three implant (not likely) all 3 won't make it anyway due to my M/C history :( So I guess she thinks a higher number equals a better chance.

In fact, she emailed me after she confirmed the 3 vs. 2 she wrote:

"All set, plan is for three. I am praying starting now!"

I know that is really nice of her, and of course I'm thankful for her prayers (and I told her so). but at the same time, I don't want my doctor saying she's praying for me, because it makes me think she is so unconfident that this will work :(

Gabby called me a few hours later (I swear we don't normally text/talk that much, just yesterday because it was such an important day) and told me they had told her that the 8-cell embryo was perfect, no fragmentation, whereas the 7 and 9 cell ones had some fragmentation around the edges. So the embryologist wasn't confident about the other two but felt good about the one (of course we know that perfect embryos can fail to thrive and imperfect ones can make perfect babies!). All I can do is hope and pray now!

Beta is 6/26. I'm pretty sure we'll know before then but I haven't asked Gabby to POAS and I don't know if she will on her own. We are on vacation next week which is perfect because I will have other things to think about!

Monday, June 11, 2012

Day 3 Transfer

So that's what we're looking at, a day 3 transfer.

Wasn't supposed to hear from the nurse until 1pm today. So when I got a call from the doctor around 9am I knew that was bad.

There were 8 eggs, 6 were mature, and only 3 fertilized. That is my lowest ever. From what I thought was going to be my best cycle ever. No one knows the quality yet, of course, but I'm going to venture to guess that from these numbers, they're probably not great.

So my doctor wants to skip the PGS and transfer all 3 on Wednesday into Gabby. 3. I've never transferred 3 before, only 2. That's probably an indicator she doesn't expect them to be great quality. She also said the chances of triplets (because that's immediately where my mind went to) was less than 2%. I don't know how it can be so low, but it is what it is.

My mind went immediately to the contract with Gabby because I'm pretty sure we said we would only transfer three in extreme situations and I don't know if this qualifies. I do know that if she gets pregnant with triplets, she wants selective reduction, and that will break my heart. But I'm not going to worry about that yet, because we're not even pregnant, and hell the way we're going, there may not even be three embies by Weds.

I asked her to call Gabby and explain things to her to convince her and she said she would. About 5 minutes later Dr. A called me back, completely gushing. "Your surrogate is a GEM!" she said. "She's just so awesome. She was like, 'absolutely!" and we both just want this to work for you so much we're willing to do anything!" Dr. A called me a rock as well (yes, I'm just tooting my own horn, but I feel like such crap most of the time it's nice to hear something like that).

After I got off the phone with Dr. A, Gabby called me herself, SO EXCITED. I mean, it's good in one way, because I was pretty much crying over what's happened and that made me stop, but sometimes it's a little hard to hear "Rah rah rah!" from someone who really doesn't know all that this entails. It must be nice to be so sure this will work.

About an hour later I heard back from Susan, the nurse, basically giving me the same info (3 fertilized) as Dr. A said). I asked her more questions about what was mature or not and she said she didn't have the fertilization report officially yet, but she offered to let me know when she got it. Yes please. I always want the max info I can get.

So, no PGS. At least we get our money back for that. We'll probably need it for another cycle anyway. Dr. A spoke about at least ruling out the uterus this way, which I think is true. If none of the 3 take, can't really blame the thrice-proven uterus of Gabby's.

Thank God for Gabby. Thank God for good doctors. I seem to have done well in that regard. Could I just get some luck for everything else now?

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Drugged but here

I'm on vic.odin right now so not all that with it. Very sore "down there" but feeling ok otherwise. Retrieval was sort of disappointing. They only got 8 eggs. That's the least amount I've ever gotten. And probably not all of them will fertilize either. I'll find out tomorrow afternoon.

Gabby texted me throughout the day to check on me. So nice. She started her PIO shots today. Her MIL (a nurse as well) taught her husband how to give it to her. I am just so afraid there won't be any eggs left to transfer on Friday. Or that there won't be enough to do a day 5 transfer so we won't be able to do PGS.

Why do I worry about things I can't change? If I get bad news tomorrow, worrying about it tonight won't make things any better tomorrow. I wish I could just stop it.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

IVF #4 almost done

Ugh, what a week. So much has happened and every day I meant to blog but things were moving practically at the speed of light and there was so much to do.

My cycle was going so well. On Day 6, the day I last wrote, my E2 was 688. They lowered me 112 IU of Gonal F and had me go in for b/w and u/s the next day again. On Day 7 E2 was 1134 but my follicles were still small - the largest around 12 but most between 8-10mm. So they lowered me again to 75 IU and had me come back on Thursday - 2 days later.

On Thursday my E2 was 1839 so it had slowed down but was still increasing, so I didn't think anything of it. My follicles were slightly larger, between 12-15mm (still not ready). My nurse started talking about ER being Sunday or Monday. Shortest cycle I've ever had! This was wonderful! She wanted me to go in again the next day, so I did.

Yesterday, Friday, Day 10, and my ER plummeted. It's just like IVF #2 all over again. It was 1474 yesterday...almost a 400 point drop. Not as bad as when my E2 fell from 1255 to 349 in IVF #2, but it's probably because I went in the next day, and in IVF #2 I was going every other day. I'm so disheartened. Things were going so well. And now this. What is wrong with me???????

The nurse tried to keep things upbeat, but I know she wasn't truthful. I asked her if this was cataclysmic and she said nothing was cataclysmic unless I had already ovulated and they know I haven't. (how they know this I don't know, they have never checked my P4 or LH levels). She said it only meant that my ovaries are telling them they are done - no more stimulation. The problem is that my largest follicle yesterday was only 19..I had a couple over 16...but SO many more still in the 12-15 range. I really wish I could have gone one more day because I think I'm not going to have many fertilized eggs because I didn't go long enough.

IVF #2 started off horribly with the plummet, but in the end it was my best IVF yet, because I got pregnant with twins that cycle. I want to hope the same thing will happen here, but I'm not as hopeful. First of all, I feel like i used up all the good luck during that cycle - what are the chances things will be so good again? Second of all, I stimmed for 13 days that cycle, so I had more time for follicles to grow. I'm a bit afraid they didn't have enough time to grow this cycle at only 9 days stimming so I will most likely have less eggs fertilized. (I had 18 eggs retrieved in IVF #2 and 12 fertilized).

I am pretty sure I will have a bunch of eggs retrieved this time, but I don't know how many will fertilize because so many aren't mature. This sucks.

My only hope is that I am with a hospital who knows what they are doing, and they will hopefully care better for these eggs than anyplace around where I live. So maybe there's a better chance.

But the nurse, after assuring me everything was ok, then asked me, "what are you going to do if the eggs aren't good enough for PGD?"

We're doing PGS, not PGD, but a lot of people use the term interchangeably. And it never occured to me that the eggs might not be good enough. I questioned her on what she meant, and she really meant if we didn't get enough for PGD. We need to have at least 6 fertilized according to Dr. Google. Crap. I don't know. But I wasn't worried, and now I am...sigh...

So they had me trigger last night and retrieval is Sunday. This is all going so fast. The sad part is, I'm wondering if we might have been able to do the adoption for that little boy. If only I had known it would go this fast. It never has before.

I'm now starting to freak out about this not working. All of this money spent for nothing.

Monday, June 4, 2012

IVF #4 - Day 6 stims

I had my first clinic appt. post baseline today, and I was very nervous. You all know how horrible my E2 levels have been in previous cycles.

Apparently this doctor does things differently than the last 2 REs I've seen. I only needed to have b/w taken for E2 levels today, nothing else. It was nice to keep my pants on for once! :)

Today's number? Out of the gate - E2 is 688. Holy smokes!

Of course, me being me, I had to email the nurse because I was worried she was going to lower my dosage a crazy amount and send me spinning off once again. After all, that's what's happened before. They cut my dose in half and have me come back 3-4 days later to find out it's done the opposite of what they said it would do.

But Susan tells me I'm just lowering my dosage from 150IU to 112.5 IU tonight - keeping the same lupron (.2) and taking the same amount of Menopur tomorrow morning.

Then they want me to go for monitoring again TOMORROW for E2 b/w and a U/S. Guess it's time to see what those follies are doing! I'm sure this way they can tell if I'm going up too fast or if they should hold me steady. In a way I'm so excited because stuff is happening - at the same time, ugh, another doctor's appt.

I also have to go to a different lab at 8:15am tomorrow morning to have my FDA testing done. (only specific labs do it). So yay for getting pricked 3x in 2 days. But at least that will be done!

I hope things look good tomorrow, whatever they are looking for. It would be so exciting to have a good cycle for once! I really love what this doctor has done - I think she's definitely crafted a good protocol for me!

We Said No

The title is so painful to write. We got a call about a profiling opportunity this weekend for a baby born in Indiana June 1st with a congenital heart defect, and I wanted to say yes so much. But in the end, we had to say no. Our first no.

Of all the times for this to happen. It couldn't have happened 2 weeks ago? Or two weeks from now? The timing was just so so bad. I'm the middle of stims and my retrieval won't be this week but next week We've spent so much money on this cycle and we would need to go pick up the baby and stay in Indiana for God knows how long until everything is approved and we can go home. With a son. A little baby boy who is undergoing surgery today for his heart but is otherwise perfect. Of all parents, *I* would know what that little baby is going through. I feel such a kinship with him even though I will never meet him or know anything else.

I wanted to tell the agency - if they can wait 2 weeks we'll go. I want him. I want him right now. But she said no, he would be discharged before then (how? I have no idea). so we had to let him go. And now this cycle I'm in the midst of probably won't work and what will happen is at the end of June we'll have no surrogate pregnancy and no adopted baby either - that's just how things go for me, right?

It wasn't guaranteed we would be picked either, but considering how we got a call on Saturday I think we were one of those only ones being considered.

That baby felt like mine, even though he wasn't. And isn't. And never will be.