Tuesday, May 31, 2011


My NT scan is on Friday. I'm almost as scared for it as I was for my first OB appointment. I don't know why. I saw the HB for 3 weeks straight and it will only be two weeks and 1 day from the previous time but I'm still so worried that there won't be a heartbeat on Friday.

I should be worried about other things. Like, what if there's a HB but the NT scan shows us something disastrous? I'm not so concerned about Down's. No one in my family has ever had it. I am more concerned about some big congenital heart defect, since I have one myself.

And then, today is the first day I've felt *significantly* better since about 8 weeks. And I don't like it one bit. I've asked around and people said that towards the end of the first trimester you can start feeling better, but to me, that's also an indication of a missed M/C. So, I don't know what to think. I still feel some symptoms, but so much lighter that I almost felt like a new person today. Me no likey.

I'm thinking once the NT scan passes on Friday I will feel better about this pregnancy. Hmm, that's what I said about my first scan and my second scan and look at me right now. No, but I think I will. I know there's always the chance something could happen, but I think I'll feel out of the worst of it.

But I also feel like I have the worst luck. 10% chance or 5% of miscarriage now? Leave it to me, I'll be in that tiny percentage.

In some screwed up way, I don't see me ever having a happy ending. I know it's sad and pathetic, but I just can't see it.

I want to be proven wrong so badly. I want people to laugh in my face at the end of all of this, going "I TOLD YOU SO!!"

Sunday, May 22, 2011

How can I still be so bitter?

On FB tonight, a friend of mine just posted that her daughter was born. 12 1/2 weeks early. A friend that posted no updates on FB ever (something that I appreciate so much because there's nothing I hate more than hearing about babies on FB), I didn't even know she was pregnant (lol, obviously, not that close friends). And still, I am so insanely jealous right now it's ridiculous. The poor things, both mom and baby. At 12.5 weeks, that must be not even 28 weeks along.

My baby, should I ever have him/her feels so far away right now. And I'm pregnant. I am still so painfully aware and afraid that I will lose this baby too and have nothing - again.

It's not even like my friend went through a wonderful pregnancy that was perfect. The baby is doing fine right now, but even so...why am I so jealous? Will that ever go away?

Nights like these I hate myself. And yet I'm still so jealous.

Friday, May 20, 2011


I had a bunch of appointments this week and I think it's going to kill me to wait for the next one which is exactly 2 weeks from today.

On Weds. I met with the local MFM. Well, first I had an OB appt. with a resident (and no senior doctor, weird) that looked like she was 12 and had the bedside manner of a gnat. Seriously, she was terrible - and if she's starting out that way, I can't imagine how she'll be in 10 years. She insisted on doing a pap smear even though I told her I'd had one done in January, and then proceeded to be so rough I was bleeding bright red the rest of the day. Which I know can be expected, but is NOT appreciated during this time of my life. Then she proceeded to attempt to find the baby's HB via doppler which I thought was the dumbest thing ever as A) kinda early to find on a doppler vs. an ultrasound and B) way to freak out a woman who's had 4 miscarriages when you are not skilled enough to find the HB.

I told her I was looking to have someone locally follow me but I was planning to give birth in Boston. I don't trust anyone locally here to know what to do with me. (Obviously, I didn't tell her that). But that GIRL actually said to me, "I don't think we can do that. Nope."

I almost told her, "Ok then, I guess we're done here," because I WILL DRIVE TO BOSTON EVERY WEEK IF I HAVE TO. But I just asked her why on earth not and she told me because of the way they bill things, that it's just one bill at the end when you give birth.

WTF are you talking about? Maybe you need to live in the real world a little (or be older than 12) so you understand how medical billing works. You don't get ONE bill, you nitwit, you get billed for each and every "service" that is done. I nearly asked her how they were planning to bill me if I had a miscarriage, as then I wouldn't be giving birth with them, but I managed to hold it in. What an idiot!

Luckily, then we went in for the U/S which I should not have been nervous for as the previous one was 6 days before but of course I was because it's a WHOLE 6 days! The technician was fantastic though and found the HB right away. It was flickering so fast which made me relax and was 161bpm. Then she turned on the sound and we heard it and I just lost it. Started crying which in turn made the technician cry and the whole thing was just wonderful. Then met with the MFM and didn't do that much more. My NT scan is the next appointment.

That night we drove to Boston because we had an early and full next day of testing with the Boston MFM and cardiology. I met with cardiology first. Dr. Mike was in an important conference all day long so I met with his colleague instead, who is very capable and very nice. God, there is something about my doctors in Boston that put every other doctor I've ever had to shame. They are so competent and so easy to work with and try to work with you! They COMMUNICATE with each other so you don't have to repeat yourself 14 billion times. I love them. They did an echo which they said showed a little more leaking in my valves than at my previous appt. last September but said it was fine and to be expected, and they would keep an eye on it. Then they made me take a few laps around the floor with a pulse oximeter to check my O2. It dropped to 91% :( but they didn't say anything. I have the feeling I will end up on 02 before the end of pregnancy though. Hopefully it'll only be at the end.

Then we met with Dr. E and she was excited for us because it's taken so long to get to this part. It was so nice. Dr. Mike ended up calling my cell to find out where we were and coming to see us (during his lunch I think). I was so touched. He gave me hug and just stood there while we talked with the MFM. He's so funny.

Dr. E (to me): You look like a million bucks!
Dr. Mike: Why don't you tell me I look like a million bucks?
Dr. E: I saw you yesterday, Mike, and I told you then that you look like a million bucks!


I told them I am planning to give birth there and Dr. Mike and Dr. E discussed about me finding some long term housing the last few weeks if I need to be local (again, I will do whatever it takes). And I know they will help me figure it out if needed. When I had my second OHS, Dr. Mike's office found week-long housing for my parents to stay in the area. And I am an adult so I technically don't need my parents, but my husband was driving the 3 hours back and forth from work and really wanted someone nearby. Boston Children's/Brigham and Women's are truly fantastic hospitals.

Dr. E told me she won't let me go to my due date, which is 12/21. That 12/14 is the latest. Since I am at an increased risk of premature labor - I am just praying I get past 12/1.

I got another U/S out of it (yes, only 1 day after the previous) and the HB was up to 164. I know it doesn't mean anything but I love it. LOVE IT.

And now nothing for a few weeks. I don't know how I'm going to stay sane.

Saturday, May 14, 2011


Boy, I've really slacked on the writing. Part of it is because I don't have much to write day to day, except continuously talking about fears and such. Part is because L has built himself a new computer, but hasn't installed the scanner yet. And I don't have the drivers on my Mac. So I finally took pictures of the U/S pics I've gotten rather than wait any longer.

The 7w1d U/S of the twins:

So Baby B was on the left and Baby A on the right.

Baby A at 7w1d:

I'm still here, at over 8 weeks now. My next appt. is Weds., when I'll be 9 weeks. It's with the local MFM, and I'm scheduled for another U/S and an NV. What the heck NV means, I have no idea. I know it's not an NT, which is something around 12 weeks I think.

Around 8 weeks, I started to get excited. And then I started to get mad at myself. 8 weeks is still so incredibly early, what are you getting so excited about? Ugh...so now I feel I'm in no-man's land a little bit. I'm scared, but not crying anymore. Just worried. My family knows, and I really don't want to have to tell them bad news again. My husband is getting excited.

I told our counselor that I was only a little over 50% sure I'd come home with a baby. Really, I feel it's closer to 25%, but when I started to say 20% she was like, "really?" (I know, counselors aren't supposed to do that, right?) I guess I'm such an eeyore, I feel like I can't really have that happy ending, right?

But thus far, I'm still here, we're still here. I had some spotting on Thursday and pretty much ran to the RE, even though I've technically graduated. I think part of me was thinking how it was so hard to wait another week to make sure my babies were still alive, and part of me freaked out over the spotting. They got me in right away, and there was no more bleeding, so I felt a little silly. I now think it was left over from DTD with L 2 days previously. It was only the one time, and nothing since. (L and I DTD again this morning, so I'm trying to remind myself if I spot in 2 days to RELAX).

Anyway, the U/S on Thursday was both sad and helpful. It confirmed that Baby B was gone :( He/she was still at 7 weeks. But Baby A was right on target, measuring 1.7 cm - 8w1d perfectly. The HB was 148.4bpm, which the PA said was fine, but I've been looking it up, and it seems slightly slow to me (the minimum I found for 8 weeks was 149). Now I'm a little worried about that.

But the picture was beautiful.

I don't know why, but that head is just the cutest thing to me. Whoa, I'm a crazy pregnant lady.

The last week my symptoms had lightened a little, and I assume it was because of Baby B, but the last two days, M/S has struck with a vengeance. Where the F did that come from? Don't get me wrong, I've had some all along, even vomiting a few times (not that much) but yesterday at 4pm it struck hard, and I crawled into my car at quitting time, drove home, and went to bed. Ugh. But awesome. Strong today too. I'm so ok with it.

Friday, May 6, 2011

I Should Be Happy...

...and I am, but part of me is not.

I had my first U/S yesterday at 7w1d. Hurray for making it that far without bleeding, right? Well, I again, had a little bit of pink on the tip of my Crinone stick, but besides that, nothing. And honestly, I'm coming to the conclusion that it always happens after I recently orgasmed. (Sorry for the TMI). Because other days, there's nothing.

Anyway, so U/S was yesterday and I was terrified. I actually did ok the night before, but my heart was pounding as we drove up to the office. My RE must think I have high blood pressure (and actually I have normal to low, normally!) because it's always in the 130s at his office.

(For comparison's sake, last week at the endocrinologist's office it was 100/70 - and at my cardiologists, it's been 87/46 before (yes, very low!) )

I was seriously almost hyperventilating by the time I got on to the examining table. I thought one of the PA's was going to do the U/S but I found out it was the RE himself and my heart sank. Mostly because his bedside manner is just not the best and he would not break bad news to me gently, like everyone else would.

Anyway, he started the U/S and I could barely breathe. I shut my eyes and just kept thinking over and over again, "I love you God, I love you God." I honestly am not all that a religious person (and my faith has been severely tested in the last few years and has not really survived anywhere close to intact) so it surprised me that that is where I went, but I'm glad I did. It shows me that I haven't given up all hope after all.

The RE said he wouldn't say a word until the end so I didn't need to wonder if that was good or bad (that helped immensely!) but rather quickly he was saying, "So, how many did we put back?" I replied, "Two," rather shakily because all of a sudden I had visions of triplets, which with my heart would NOT be a good thing. Then he says, "And how do you feel about having two babies?" And my heart leapt for one second with joy. Then he said, "We've got two sacs here," and all I replied was (damn, I'm cynical), "Sacs don't mean anything. Are there heartbeats?"

Then he got more quiet and I could feel him shifting the U/S wand around gently, like trying to tune an old-fashioned radio.

"Baby A definitely has a heart beat." I questioned him on the size and how fast it was ("appropriate size and heartbeat" according to him.)

Ok seriously, do they not know me at all? I don't accept "appropriate" - I want numbers! Heartbeat was 134bpm, perfect! Later on he told me it was measuring 6w5d (2 days earlier, but well within the margin for error).

He then admitted he wasn't sure he could find Baby B's heartbeat. He pushed the monitor towards me and I sat up and looked and I thought I could see it occasionally, but he thought it might be my own heartbeat. And he showed me Baby A's heartbeat, which was very obvious.

However Baby B is measuring close in size to Baby A, so if Baby B didn't make it, it had "just" happened. :( I don't know why that hurt more than if baby B had died 2 weeks ago.

He did say that if Baby B were the only embryo in me and they were having that difficult a time finding the heart beat and I wanted a D&C, they would insist on waiting another week just to make sure. So, while he thinks Baby B isn't viable, I really have to wait and see.

But, so far, Baby A looks wonderful! I really am so grateful and ecstatic about Baby A, but my heart breaks at the same time for Baby B. I had/have twins. As soon as I can scan my U/S pic I'll post it because they were right next to each other, sharing a wall. I've seen other twin sacs, but apart, not together like this. Already they were siblings, already they were together.

It breaks my heart.

I guess this is the time to say, if you haven't figured it out already, this blog is moving on from being primarily infertility, and onto pregnancy after infertility. I really think my view of this whole pregnancy will be colored by the infertility glasses I'm not sure I will ever be able to remove, but I totally understand if you choose not to read this (and if you read this far, appreciate that you even did once pregnancy was mentioned). I know how many blogs I stopped reading once the blogger got pregnant. I just want to say thank you.