Thursday, March 28, 2013

2 Month Birthday

It's been a whirlwind of a week - it's L's birthday today and we just got word that my SIL (the other one, my brother's wife) is in labor and probably pushing RIGHT now. She's due April 10th with her first so this seems early for a first (but not so early that it's scary).  ETA: He's here!

Tuesday to Wednesday L and I left the girls with my parents for our first overnight without them and went to NYC. L has a conference in NYC for work twice a year and I usually am working so I don't go with him. But it was a good excuse for a break and my parents encouraged me to take one. I really enjoyed it. Not having to be at the girls' beck and call every 3 hours, actually sleeping in bed with L (I've felt like two ships passing in the night for awhile now) and "sleeping in" (the bed and pillows were actually not very comfortable and unfortunately i really didn't sleep well) were all great. I actually didn't see L much until 8pm but I met up with an old college friend who played hooky from work once he found out I was in the city and we went to the Museum of Natural History and saw an Imax movie. I LOVE Imax movies - but I was so tired I actually fell asleep halfway through it- haha.

I got to the museum about 15 minutes early and since it was a beautiful day I hung around by the cast iron fence on the corner drinking in the sun and letting myself gaze upon Central Park right across the street.

It was almost exactly 7 years ago (March 25, 2006) that the hubby fooled me into thinking we were going to the Museum of Natural History (one of my favorite places) and then brought me across the street to the Park and proposed. So much has happened since then, and most of it so tough, but the other day as I basked in the nice weather and looked at the park and realized we finally had our babies I could finally breathe. It was beautiful.

My friend J and I walked so much around the museum that by the time I got back to the hotel I was DEAD. Haven't done that much walking in forever! I couldn't even move to go get dinner (I was on my own because L had to go with work). So after debating it with a friend, I justified room service to myself (it actually wasn't that much more expensive than a meal in NYC anyway) as my friend said, "You can justify room service. You wait on 2 totally dependent people all day. Let someone wait on you." Sounded good to me!

Dinner was great and L finally got back around 9pm. When we checked into the hotel the front desk guy noticed it was L's birthday soon so he had given us two free drink tickets for the rooftop bar of the hotel and so we checked it out. Beautiful view! We sat on these huge cushions and relaxed and had a couple of good drinks before we headed back to our room for the night - completely exhausted.

View of the Empire State Building from the 19th floor!
We got back around 7pm last night and the girls were so fussy. They were off schedule and my parents hadn't put the nipples on our Avent bottles correctly, so I think they had sucked in a lot of air everytime they had a bottle. Ugh.  Then this morning was their 2 month birthday! And we celebrated by them getting their two month vaccinations. At 8am. Who's bright idea was that? So the girls were miserable the rest of the day and I did NOTHING special for L, poor guy. First time ever. Last year I surprised him with a trip to Vermont and we went brewery hopping. This year he's lucky he got a card. :(

They got Tylenol the rest of the day and are doing better now, thank goodness. I am not looking forward to this again in 2 months!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Not Exactly What I Was Thinking

So my experiment to blog mostly about the girls at my other blog is sort of falling through. Sort of. And that's because I can't be fully honest there. Because my parents and my inlaws know about it and I can't really say everything I always want to say. It's sort of why I set up this place to begin with - to not have to worry about hurting the feelings of people I knew and yet I could be brutally honest. My place to vent. So I think I'm going to write more here about things BUT all pictures and stuff will be there and I'll only refer to initals and such here. Sorry to be such a PITA about it.

I blogged for so long about things and I feel like I haven't written much in the last 8 weeks, and that stinks. I'm never going to have this time again and I'll forget how I felt if I don't write it down.

I love my girls so much. They are just so perfect to me. I know every mom says that :) M is such a quiet, pensive little girl who just looks around and is curious. N is a diva, complaining about everything and loves to cuddle. Ha, I feel so bad writing that - I actually think she has colic, or a very sensitive stomach, because many times she's inconsolable and I can here the tummy rumbling.

In about half an hour, my girls will be 8 weeks old. 8 weeks ago I will have been in that delivery room watching them being born. When I was little on every birthday, my mom used to say, "8 years ago today I was sitting in our apartment and your father and uncle were packing it up (they were in the middle of moving my parents) when I said, we have to go to the hospital..." -giving me the birth story and I ate it up when I was little. I won't be able to say it in the same way but it's still so nice to think about.

And 8 weeks ago? It feels simultaneously like 8 days or 8 years! January feels like SO long ago. I can't believe it's almost April. And yet, I can't believe it's already April! It's a mess of contradictions.

I don't have to go back for awhile, but I am nervous about going back to work. There's so much work right now here with the girls, how the heck will I juggle all of that AND work?

My mom has been a godsend with the girls. She had been so excited throughout the 9 months of Gabby's pregnancy and knowing her, I was really afraid that she'd either be there every day in the very beginning and then get tired of it (I do live 2.5 hours away) OR she'd try to take over and make me do things her way. I have been so pleasantly surprised. She has come up and continues to come up whenever she is able, even driving the whole way by herself (she NEVER did that before they were born - in fact, I would see her about 4 times a year - and 3 of those times would be us driving down there!) and she has gone out of her way to do things the way I want them.

My MIL on the other hand...not much. She and my FIL actually came twice to Boston the week the girls were born and still in the hospital and I was flabbergasted, and thought maybe things would change, but then they came up once in February and once yesterday, for L's birthday. It makes me sad. But there's nothing I can do except continue to invite them and try not to care too much when they don't.

In the meantime, I definitely think I'm going to need some help. I'm alone with the girls 95% of the time and starting to go crazy with the wash, rinse repeat of feeding and changing. Especially when N is crying uncontrollably, which now sets M off. It can go on all day and makes me want to cry too at times. But amazingly enough, I have not done the thing that all my friends (who didn't experience infertility) told me I would do - Cry and wonder why I wanted this. No, it has never even crossed my mind. I wanted this. I wanted to not take a shower for 3 days and attempt to console and unconsolable baby. To change one baby's outfit 4 times in one day because she keeps peeing all over herself whenever I change her. To be a mom.

So I've cried, but more because I wish I had family who lived closer and could help. But I think we may look into getting a mother's helper for a few hours a day a few days a week. Would be awesome if I could get some cleaning done, or a load of laundry, or even run out to Tar.get to get some wipes if needed instead of loading them up and spending 3x as long, trying to get back in time so I don't ruin my schedule. It would be wonderful.

But either way, I am the happiest I think I've ever been in my life. And AF came yesterday, at 34 days, so that's a pretty good cycle for me! My back is hanging in there surprisingly and hopefully with the nicer weather coming I will be able to exercise more.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Journey Goes On

I'm still here.

Not posting as much as I thought I would. I'm currently waiting for AF to start. I don't know if I ever wrote about getting a prescription for Metformin right before the girls were born. Of all doctors, it was the dermatologist I saw the week before they were induced that told me I should talk to my endocrinologist about it. I called her up and we discussed it and she agreed with my symptoms (that I can't think of specifically now, I'm so tired) that I should probably be on it. So I got it filled before they came and I have been so bad taking it one day here, forgetting the next day, since they came. I am hoping it would help stabilize my cycle a bit, but I can't expect that if I am not good at taking it. Ugh, it's hard to remember.

Today is CD 31, which for me is nothing. After a great cycle (for no discernible reason) that ended in January (it was like textbook perfect 31 days for me) last month it was 37 days again. Still, nothing like the 49 days (and higher) I've had before. So even though I'm not taking the Metformin as much as I should be, I'm kind of hoping it will still help a bit. I guess we'll see how late AF comes.

You would think having two (especially at one time) would put any thought of other babies completely out of my head, and yet it's the opposite. I think I'm partially sad that this will be the only time I get to experience this, which is pathetic because once I would have given my right arm to have the OPPORTUNITY to experience this just once. get a little bit and always want more, I guess.

But instead of thinking about my cycles, now would be the PERFECT time to get on a weight loss program. Because even if I were to magically get pregnant, my weight is hideous and I am very unhealthy. And since I don't want kids 10 months apart, there's no "pressure" right now to get pregnant. I wish I could get it together. I keep googling easy fitness plans on Pinterest and Google but just can't seem to get the motivation.

And even though N was particularly difficult today (she seems to have colic and was screaming much of the day), she was only happy/sleeping cuddling with me and my heart just melted. They may not have been in me for 9 months, but they know who mom is.

Friday, March 1, 2013

One Month Old

One month old today. I can't believe we've made it. I mean, obviously "making it" is a given, otherwise CPS would be banging down our doors, but I'm just in shock that I'm (we're) doing it. I haven't broken them (yet).

I've never been so happy in my entire life. How can I go from being so depressed to being so happy? I didn't know it would be possible.

Poor Gabby is still fighting her rash. She is debating having her tubes tied or a hysterectomy  (!!!) because getting your period makes it worse, she says. OMG, poor poor girl. I feel so bad that she got it, it's such a rare thing to get - of course it would happen to us.

Has anyone used Human Milk 4 Human Babies? I put up a request on the local chapter and got a few offers which is AWESOME but now I'm starting to regret it. L and even Gabby are telling me you don't really know the women donating, not that they'd do anything malicious, but they might not know they have an infection, or they might smoke pot, not thinking it's a big deal. I don't know. I really want to use breast milk but I feel like maybe I shouldn't have asked.

I know they have an "informed consent" thing but I feel like the only thing that would make me feel better would be to see their medical records and I think that's going a bit too far. I don't know, ugh...I wish I hadn't asked now.

I'm exhausted today! Can't wait to give them their late night feeding and go to bed!