Friday, May 21, 2010

MFM St. Peter's

Today I have my first of two MFM appointments. The second is on Monday. I’m hoping I like this guy sufficiently and get enough questions answered that I can cancel Monday’s appt. with the other one.

This guy was recommended by my RE.  I need someone locally to connect with when I’m pregnant.  Plus, maybe he can answer my questions about clotting and tell me what to do. Plus I’d like him to order a karyotype test for me and DH. All this for someone who doesn’t know my history at all. It’s probably too much to ask from the visit.

Rock Bottom?

I might have hit rock bottom.  I woke up to a huge jump in temps today. I can’t explain it.  I have such heartburn it’s ridiculous.  But no cramps, no real PMS…and I’ve always had it before when I’m PG.  So I’m even more depressed.  But that heartburn lasts all freaking day.  I can’t deal and keep thinking…the jump in temps (Triphasic?), the heartburn?

So I gave in and tested tonight. BFN. What was I thinking?

It really sees as though every gets BFPs so early on FF.  I’ve never gotten one before day 14.  Today’s 11dpo. I was so hoping…

But no.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Stressful Day

After many calls to my OBGYN’s office regarding the results of my antibody titer, Fran called me today to tell me I may have a clotting issue.  But she couldn’t give me anymore information.  Wonderful.  Dr. S wanted to meet with my next Wednesday. I agreed, but then freaked out that it’s a week away, and what if I find out I’m PG on Sunday?  I probably am not, I don’t have ANY cramping, no real PMS like I normally do, and which I’ve also had for both previous pregnancies. Well, I’ve also miscarried twice, so maybe not.  Anyway…I’m very depressed today.  Nothing’s going right.

I called back the office to speak directly with Dr. S, but Fran intercepted and wouldn’t (or couldn’t give me much more information). She did move up my appointment to first thing Monday morning at least.  I really want to push for heparin shots right away...

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Trigger's Gone

I’m finally on the downhill slope of this month’s 2WW.  Kicking myself for not doing IUI.

My trigger was gone by 7dpt5dpo. Today is 11 days past trigger, 9 days past ovulation and I’m just waiting.  I admit, I tested yesterday. I don’t know why.  Now that I know how sensitive FRERs are (picked up an HCG of 7!) AND that my FSA will reimburse me for HPTs, this will only make me more likely to test. I’ll probably test again tomorrow. Even though I’ve NEVER gotten an earlier BFP than 14. I keep wondering if I implant late or something. Maybe that’s part of my problem.

I don’t really feel pregnant, although today my stomach is feeling like a ton of bricks, which isn’t an altogther bad sign.  But I doubt it means anything. No real PMS yet, which I usually get 7 or 8dpo and which I definitely got last month so that’s NOT a good sign.

I’m waiting for Fran from my OBGYN’s office to call and tell me about the titer results. She said she would today but so far haven’t heard from her. All the bloodwork from the RE’s office came back fine, they said.

5 more days for THIS month, and then the waiting begins again.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


My bloodwork results from last week are trickling in.  I had 26 (!!!) vials of blood taken last week. I was suprised I was still standing, though I was a bit light headed on the drive home.

So far most everything looks ok.  My RH factor is positive (which I think I knew already from my first pregnancy, but it’s good to have it confirmed), all these are things (toxmosis, rubella) are what they should be…my TSH is .913 and my T4 1.22 — all just perfect.

So the one unperfect thing thus far is my antibody screen.  Gdamnit.

It came back positive last week, which is why I needed to go back 2 additional times for more blood draws.

Well, not exactly. The first time is because with all the blood I needed taken (all those tests) they FORGOT to do the antibody screen. But then they called, said it was positive and they couldn’t identify the cause, so I need to come in to take more blood so they could send it out to the Red Cross (who I guess has better facilities? Better knowhow?)

So Fran, my OBGYN nurse, called yesterday telling me I need to go get an antibody titer done.
I really wish our medical records were electronic already because I know Boston would have all this info at hand.  I know I have  antibodies from the transfusions I’ve had due to my surgeries in the past.  Every time I go for a cath, they have to special bloodtype me because of it, and every time they tell me should I need blood, I need “special” blood because of those antibodies.  So I’m not really wondering whether I have these antibodies.

But the question I have, do the antibodies that I KNOW I have either prevent me from conceiving or make me M/C? Dr. Mike at Boston didn’t think it was a big deal, but he’s no OBGYN.  I really want to know this for sure.  And so far, I really can’t get an answer to this.

I spoke with Ali again this morning, and asked her this (no I didn’t call her specifically for that, but as long as we were on the phone…) and she said it really depends why you have the antibodies. She couldn’t even tell me if there’s a solution for all of this if one is needed.  So I wait. And worry. And go get more blood taken either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

My Nurse Coordinator

At my RE’s office, we were assigned a nurse coordinator. Her name is Ali.  I’ve known her for a total of two weeks, have spoken to her a handful of times, and already absolutely adore her.  I’ve dealt with A LOT of doctors and medical staff in my life and she may be the most “on top of things” medical person I’ve ever met.  She even beats out Dr. Mike and his office.

Any time I call her, she calls me back within 3 hours.  She works M, W, Th, F from 7am to 5pm. She seemingly manages everything baby-medical related going on, even when it doesn’t involve her office. She called me today to find out how my Clomid cycle is going, even though my RE’s office isn’t following it this cycle, my OBGYN is.  Shocking!

There’s only one problem with Ali.  She’s pregnant.  It’s already obvious looking at her, so she must be far enough along.

I don’t consider myself infertile. At least not yet. I consider myself someone who has trouble staying pregnant.

I think it would be really hard to be IF and have to see her getting bigger every time you go.

I only hope I am pregnant by the time she goes on maternity leave…

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Maternal-Fetal Medicine

Another day, another frustration.

When DH and I got pregnant the first time, Dr. Mike (no doubt thrown into a tizzy by the news) garnered a much needed lightning-fast appointment with a well-respected MFM doctor in Boston.  Well, at least I presume so. Honestly, any doctor Dr. Mike thinks is good is someone I want to see.
She is probably brilliant, and there must be a reason Dr. Mike recommended her (personal friend? Known miracle worker? No idea) but she did not impress either the husband or me that day.  Granted, we were reeling from batteries of tests, a cardiac MRI for me, Dr. Mike and his people hovering over me like something was just so WRONG, when I felt more right than anything else in the world.  But her callousness about the situation at present, and when she found out my progesterone was low, a dismissive, “Oh well, you’re just going to M/C anyway,” so who cares attitude, in addition with her statement “No woman should ever get pregnant” (Um, hello, you’re a high risk OBGYN?!) just complete bowled us over.  Thank goodness we had Dr. Mike to pick up the pieces for us in the end.

Cut to November 20th of last year (man, I do have a head for dates) in which a much more relaxed Dr. E gave us her “approval” for us to go get pregnant, along with her fellow, Dr. Smith, who was ok, but again, not the warm and fuzzy doctor Dr. Mike is, and things were a little better.  She went from huge concern the previous time to, “You don’t really need to see me” to “I’ll work with MFM in Albany”…and sent us on our merry way.

I saw an MFM in Albany the first pregnancy.  Dr. S didn’t want to do anything without Dr. E’s permission.  It irked me a lot. She went so far as to send us a letter CYA about how she wouldn’t see us unless she had written “permission” from Dr. Mike regarding my condition.

Damn, I see a lot of doctors.

Anyway, when we saw the RE a couple of weeks ago now, she (or rather the PA) didn’t freak when I told her about my heart condition.  Granted, that’s probably because I’m now repaired as opposed to the way I was before surgery.  But she did recommend seeing an MFM.

I don’t really want to see Dr. Samelson again.  So the PA told us about a new MFM at St. Peter’s and since then I’ve been trying to get an appointment with him.

I call up the doctor.  Receptionist is quite rude.  Why are they often so rude?  Tells me if I’m not pregnant I can’t see him.  Um…MFM is for high risk.  I’m not going doctor shopping once I’m pregnant. I’m going to need one right off the bat.  She then tells me I need a doctor referral from my RE (not an insurance referral).  Ok…fine.  So I call up Ali (my personal nurse, I really love that) at the RE office and ask her to send over a referral. She tells me it will be done, and to call back the MFM by the end of the day to make the appointment.

Of course I forget.  And I forget the next day too.  That was Friday. Today I call up the MFM and they tell me, again, quite rudely, they never got anything.  Fuck.  So I call up Ali, and she tells me she has a confirmation of the fax sent the previous Thursday, May 6th at 10:50am.  Great.  She tells me she’ll fax it again just in case.  I give it several hours before calling the MFM again.  She puts me on hold for eleventy billion hours five minutes while she checks all 4 faxes.  Her office has four faxes?  Then she comes back and tells me she doesn’t have it.

I huff and puff and call Ali back, who insists she sent it yet again, but finally offers to call the MFM to find out what the heck is going on.  She says she’ll call me back, and she does, not half an hour later, apologizing because it was all her fault, she was sending the wrong form or something and she says it’ll be done right by the end of the day.

She’s got to have a stressful job.  I like her a lot. She got back to me so fast.  Tomorrow I will call up the MFM yet again to see if they have it. I haven’t even see the doctor yet, and I’m not a fan of the attitude in that office.

It’s all about attitude with me. I don’t believe that in order to be a brilliant doctor you must be House.  You can be nice and caring about your patients and still damn good at your job. I don’t have to put up with your rudeness just because you are smart. There are many smart doctors out there.

Case in point, Dr. Mike.  Columbia undergrad, Harvard Med, director at Boston.  And one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.

So this new MFM better be awesomely nice to make up for his office.  I don’t need the added stress.

Let’s see how it goes tomorrow.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Another Mother's Day

On this day last year, I thought I would be celebrating, at least unofficially.   Just last month, I thought I’d be celebrating, at least unofficially.  And now here I am, without a child in my womb, reading all of the facebook and twitter statuses about mothers, unable to write anything on this day.

I’m 2dpt, I *think* today is the day I mark down as ovulation on my FF page, but how do you know if you’ve actually ovulated?  And if I have…14 more days till I find out whether or not I’m pregnant.

At midnight last night, up in the spare bedroom of my brother’s house, where we stayed in order to celebrate with our mother today, alone from the peering eyes of anyone, DH pulled out a pink envelope, embraced and kissed me and whispered “Happy Mother’s Day.” Of course tears sprung to my eyes, honestly, because it was midnight and I’d sort of forgotten about why we were there, that Mother’s Day was now, and the realization brought a hot wave of angst to me.  I hesitated for a moment, as my husband, in his attempt to make things better, can easily make things worse a lot of times, before I opened the card to read it.

And the card was perfect.  Not too much, not too little, just the right amount of pink and sparkles and easiness to it to ease a bit of my pain.  He did good.

For most of the world may not know it, but I have two angel babies. I am their mother, and I always will be.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Too Much This Week

So much has happened in the last week, I just can’t keep up with it all. It exhausts me just thinking about.  Maybe I’ll write in more detail later, but we’ve seen the RE, gotten tons of tests ordered, finished the Clomid and last night, got the trigger shot.

My first time. It’s weird getting a shot in your stomach (even if it’s only subcutaneously) but I guess I should get used to it because if I ever get pregnant, I’ll be getting them daily from 8 weeks on.  DH watched with interest because I think I’m charging him with giving them to me.

For all I complain about the nurse at my OBGYN’s office, she was willing to leave her job at 6:30pm on a Friday night, come over to the doctor’s office and give me my shot. She was also willing to do an IUI on Saturday, when they’re not open.  This place isn’t an RE, so they don’t need to keep weekend hours.

So I got the shot and was told I can expect some serious cramping due to the number of follicles I have.  DH and I are not doing IUI this cycle.  I don’t know why now…perhaps we should have.  But we know he can get me pregnant, so I just didn’t want to take the chance of ending up with triplets or even quadruplets.

On Thursday I had 4 possibly mature follicles.  On the left, two measuring 17.9 and 15.5.  On the right, two measuring 16.6.and 16.5.  GD it, for the second month in a row, the most mature on the left side.  Two days earlier, the right was in the lead (and I was so praying it would stay that way).  I really think I’m fully blocked on the left side.  I know we got pregnant last month briefly, despite the fact it was obviously I O’d from the left, but despite that, I still believe something else was responsible and the egg didn’t come from the left side.

I didn’t have a U/S done last night, so I don’t know how far they’ve grown, and they will continue to grow before they actually leave the follicle, but I’m guessing the 17.9 one on Thursday was at least 20 as of yesterday, and I’m hoping the 16.6 one was at least 18.  Still, they’d have another day or so before they go, so hopefully the right can get close to 20. (I think I’m hoping for too much though).
This afternoon we will be leaving to go downstate (3 hours) for my BIL’s birthday dinner, then we’re staying over with my brother to be down there for Mother’s Day tomorrow.  When exactly are we to DTD to take full advantage of this?

This mother’s day I hoped I would be pregnant…sigh.