Monday, November 26, 2012

Best. Blog. Post. Ever.

I just found this gem over at Nuts In May. It's a little colloquially British but otherwise so spot on I wish I could mail it to every friend and relative who fits in one of those stages.

http://nutsinmay.wordpress.com/2012/10/02/five-stages-of-knowing-an-infertile-person/

Right???

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Creme de la Creme 2012


Thanks to another blogger, I just realized the 2012 Creme de la Creme list is open! I miss this every year, and I want my fellow bloggers to know that it's open right now through December 15th to get their best post of the year to Stirrup Queens.

What's Creme de la Creme? I'll just copy her words right here:
This is the way it works. If you want to participate, read through your archives from 2012 and choose a favourite post...You can only choose one entry. You cannot be modest. Everyone has a best post. There is no such thing as a boring blog. Even if you don’t think you have any readers because you’ve never received a comment, you have a best post. The one that you felt really good about when you hit publish. The one that would be the post you’d put forward if an editor called you tomorrow and said, “I have this great writing job for you that will pay a million dollars an hour. You just need to submit one blog entry to get this job so we can check your writing style.
 Go here to check out the full post telling you how to submit! I'm very excited to get mine in this year - and so should you!

Saturday, November 24, 2012

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Well, all that happy hoo ha about how I'm getting more comfortable with not being pregnant but still expecting went right out the door this week.

I'm officially a liar.

I didn't set out to be one, but in the end I just wanted to protect myself. Applications for our HOA board went out months ago, and L decided to run. A month or so ago though, he decided with 2 on the way, no way did he have time to be on the board. Smart decision, hubby. I was President of our HOA a few years back, and what a time suck.

But it looks like our management company never told the homeowners he wasn't running anymore. So the evening before the election meeting (which we decided to skip altogether) L ran into one of our neighbors (we have 54 neighbors in our development, mostly elderly) and he was told, "I'm voting for you!" Well K had to explain to this gentleman (a retired priest btw) that he wasn't running anymore bc he's expecting twins.

Cut to earlier this week when I got an email from my elderly downstairs neighbor saying that she hasn't seen us in awhile and to come over. She has been in a bunch of hospitals over the last few months but is finally home. I felt bad because it had been awhile since we saw her (we'd been keeping up on how she was through her SIL who was house sitting while she was in the hospital). But I also knew that Father Carl was a busybody and had to have told her. Ugh. And if it had just been her and the news wouldn't have been spread all over the development, I probably would have told her the truth, but I knew it would be. And it's MY news to tell or not tell as I see fit.

So we went out and got some flowers, an I put on my bulkiest jacket, just in case, though I wasn't going to mention a thing. Well, we got through the door after saying hello, and she exaggeratedly looks at my belly and says, "Looks like someone is expecting a little bundle or two soon!"

Kill me now. And I just went along with it. And every question she asked about my pregnancy, I answered, totally leading her to believe I'm the one pregnant. By the time we left, I felt like such a fraud. But I really just don't want all these other people discussing my business!!!

And I KNOW I do not look 26 weeks pregnant with twins. Part of me thinks she knows I'm lying, because how could she not? Now I'm just like, how can I hide out until February?

Afterwards, I may have gone searching on the Internet for fake baby bumps. Rest assured, I did not purchase one though. Sense did grab ahold of me at last.

I'm having a hard time this week. I don't know why. I am ├╝ber jealous of all the photos SIL is posting of her twins on FB (even though I have other friends posting pics of their kids and I'm not jealous of them!) and my OTHER SIL (brother's wife) just posted a 20 week bump pic on FB and I burst into tears. Sheesh. It's like I'm so torn between two places. I'm half afraid something will go wrong with my babies and I'll never get to take pictures of them, but I also wish I was pregnant so
much and had a bump pic of my own...

Sigh...I wish I could improve in a linear fashion but alas, I have regressed this week.

Hopefully next week will be better.

Friday, November 23, 2012

100 Days

Sorry, I've been playing around with the blog look again. Chalk it up to a mostly boring (and drama-free, at least) Thanksgiving, where we stayed home since I have to work today (as you can see it's a very busy day at work, haha).

The title of this post is a bit of a misnomer, but according to my ticker, there are 100 days left before the girls are here! However, the ticker is based on their original due date, which I left in when I grabbed the ticker because I wanted to know what week and day I was whenever I looked at it. Really though, there are only 86 days left today, because the latest they will go is 2/17 (and that's a Sunday so maybe even earlier on 2/15?). I really want to print out some calendar pages so I can draw a big X through each day and do a proper countdown. I did that each day when my work BFF was out on maternity leave earlier this year. It was great.

Speaking of my work BFF, she has left me for greener pastures :( She got a job closer to her house so she can spend more time with her daughter and go to all the daycare activities she was missing out on. It totally makes sense and I fully understand of course, but I miss her. Her last day was Wednesday and her office is so empty now.

Have yet to hear from Gabby today. I hope she will be doing the 1 hour test though. I had the best dream (if a bit wacky) last night! I went to visit an old friend at her (the friend's) house. I knew she was going to be playing with her kid when I arrived in the living room, and she was. I said hello and then went into the bedroom next door where my two girls were laying (surrounded by people I knew in my dream [though I have no idea who they are now]) on the bed, waiting for me. And they looked ALMOST like identical twins (you know, how Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are fraternal twins, even though they look almost exactly alike? Strong genes run in that family, have you ever seen Elizabeth Olsen? Anyway, I digress...) One looked exactly like me as a baby, but with bigger eyes, and one looked almost the same but had a tiny bit of L in her (not that I could put my finger on what bit that was). And they looked like they were about 3-6 months old, even though they had been born yesterday (I've been rereading Breaking Dawn, if that explains anything). And while I was like, "Why didn't anyone tell me they were born?" and mildly wondered where Gabby was, for the most part I didn't think about it at all and just basked in the glow of my babies. It was beautiful.

Randomness for Black Friday.



Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Follow Up

It looks like Gabby will be redoing the 1 hour test on Friday. Thank goodness. I'm not sure if M at the surrogacy agency ever talked to her or not, but she (Gabby) emailed me last night. I feel bad that I basically nagged at her all day yesterday, but then I am annoyed that I had to nag at her too. I totally understand that she's probably cranky these days but I am probably not the person to complain about this stuff to...her husband is.

While I was drifting off to sleep last night, (that weird place between consciousness and unconciousness where sometimes things become clear to me) I realized that I don't think she's going to stay in touch with me after this is over. We always said to each other (before we started the cycle), if its feels right and natural, we'll be friends but if not, so be it. But despite how nice she is, and how much I wish we would click more, I don't think we do. That makes me sad. I want everyone to like me (despite how bitchy and whiny I can be on here).



Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Control is a 4 Letter Word

I'm a Type A, control freak. Yup, one of those. I admit it. Probably the only reason my marriage is as strong as it is is because I married a Type B, "whatever happens happens" kind of guy. (Of course, that can sometimes really be frustrating for a Type A like me!)

We're over 25 weeks now and things are supposedly great. Gabby had her GD test on Thursday. I didn't hear back about the results until yesterday when I finally asked her. She told me she failed by 16 points and it was probably because she ate a PB&J sandwich at the same time she drank that stuff. But she doesn't want to take the three hour because, and I quote:

"They are CRAZY! There is absolutely NO way I can fast for 3 hours, that can't possibly be the routine for women pregnant with twins who are as hungry as I am!"

She also told me how if she had to do the 3 hour it would take a few weeks for her to get to the lab to take it so she was going to ask if she could redo the 1 hour without eating this time.

My initial thought was "take a few weeks to get to the lab?" I mean, I really love my carrier, but if you need to take the 3 hour, you don't get to take a few weeks. No offense, but she signed up to do this. I don't want to wait if this needs to be done. I don't want anything happening to my babies. But then again, I know nothing about GD and the risks.

I did talk about this with some of my friends (all of whom have been pregnant at least once, some multiple times, but admittedly none with multiples) who were basically like, "Tough, suck it up, it's only once." about it.

So I tried to email her back saying I was worried and to see if she could take the 1 hour again ASAP and felt blown off by her again.

"Don't worry, I am very careful about my sugars and know all the risks! I've been checking my blood sugars to make sure they're normal [she's an NP who can do that at work] and also have dialed down the sugar/starch in my diet a little, just to be safe! I really feel confident that the test was not accurate. If I didn't get low blood sugars as much as I do then I would be a little more worried. But with diabetes it's an insulin intollerance and you rarely get low blood sugars [as she says she has gotten.] I have no not hear back from them but I have also found different levels. At [another hospital nearby] if the 1 hour is under 180 they consider than normal so I'm not sure if [our hospital] just uses different levels or what. But I will keep on track of it, don't worry we haven't made it this far to risk anything now!!! :)

Ugh...it is so tough not having control!  I'm sure I would have had GD, what with my weight and love of sugar, but I would have been back so fast to get anything taken care of, and it's annoying me that she just won't go get it done. Just do it - when you pass with flying colors you can just chalk it up to one more thing you've had to do with this pregnancy that you never had to do with your own.

I get it that she's just cranky and exhausted and hormonal and BUSY (she is STILL going to the gym - that is crazy to me) and it's just one more thing to do on her list but to me this is important. For the girl who was so worried about her health and carrying three babies that she made me do S/R she doesn't seem to be as concerned about this.

So I just went and tattled because I didn't know what else to do. I thought about calling the doctor's office but no one except the doctor really knows me there and I don't know if they would discuss her with me since they probably don't understand our arrangement. So I called up my surrogacy agency instead because I didn't know where else to go. And it's rough because our person ("advocate") is a personal FRIEND of hers, but she has been super professional with us. I told her what I was going on and she said she'd talk to her (and said she wouldn't say that we spoke, which I hope is the case). I told her (our agency person, M) that I wasn't trying to be a bitch and maybe I'm just paranoid I just don't want anything to go wrong.

So at least I've made it known to them now. I just hope Gabby doesn't hate me for it if she finds out. But I didn't know what else to do. M has seen Gabby recently at someone's birthday party and said she doesn't look gestational diabetic at all (not sure what one looks like), but I also had a friend who took the one hour even though her doctor said, "no worries, you'll pass with flying colors" and then failed it AND the 3 hour, even though she looked totally fine. So who knows? And why not be safe?

It is so hard not having control. Harder than not being pregnant (which is plenty hard by itself, trust me).

ETA: Gabby told me in the email I quoted above that she would get in touch with the doctor's office today and email me when she did. Lo and behold haven't heard anything back so I emailed her back an hour ago (ostensibly to "remind" her if she'd forgotten). Nothing back yet.

And I also wanted to clarify about the "harder than not being pregnant." I didn't mean harder than not being pregnant in general. I meant harder than not being the one who is carrying the babies, as you all know how I've struggled with that. I reread it and it didn't sound right to me.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Reality Setting In

I'm not sure why, but it took until last night to realize that I'm going to be a mom in about 3 months.

In all honesty, I've been calling myself a mom for years now, ever since I had angel babies. It was the only thing that got me through Mother's Day. But now that I may actually be a mother of living babies, I was struck dumb by it last night!

I'm guessing if I were the one 24 weeks pregnant, maybe it would have occurred to me sooner, but actually doing baby shopping, planning my registry and googling 24 weeks pregnant (something I do every week because I will NEVER sign up for Baby Center emails again- those bastards don't understand to stop sending weekly emails if you have a miscarriage) seems to have driven it through my thick skull. Sure, no matter how many blog posts I've written about babies up to now, it still was this far off dream that I thought of occurring in the distant, distant future, not in a few months. I've had that dream for so long, it just doesn't seem real now.

I'm not sure exactly what happened to all of a sudden make me think, "Hey I'm worthy of calling myself an expectant mother!" but all of a sudden I felt like I was. I felt like I would sneer at anyone who thought I wasn't. Where did that come from?

A couple of things have happened on the baby front recently that must have led to this...though I'm not quite sure how I made the leap. The first was that we attended a diaper service class (we plan on cloth diapering) a week and a half ago. We were the only ones in this session, with the diaper service owner and her assistant. I could have sworn that the assistant was pregnant (but thank God I didn't ask her because it turns out she's not, nor does she have kids), so I was feeling a little sensitive about not being pregnant. The owner asked when we were expecting, and since I don't plan on ever seeing the owner again, nor did I feel like getting into my story, I told her February, and said we were about 23 weeks along. She looked at me in amazement and said, "Wow, I never would have guessed you're 23 weeks with twins! You look so small! (Me smiling inside). "No, that's a good thing!" she assures me. "Seriously, I was thinking you were 16 weeks, max!" (Me not smiling inside).

Oh yay. I look 16 weeks pregnant! If she hadn't said the last sentence, I probably would have told her that we were expecting via gestational carrier, but then I justified my closed mouth by not wanting to make her feel bad that she just told me how fat I look. I'm sure she would have been embarrassed.

As for me, I guess I should just be glad I *only* look 16 weeks pregnant and not 23 :)

Then last week I had my 6 month dental check up and I went to ask if I could have another checkup in less than 6 months (as I will be on maternity leave 6 months from now and without dental insurance during that time, and if I wait till I'm back at work it will be almost a year before my next checkup). The YOUNG! receptionist asked  me why I needed to have it so early, and I told her I would be on maternity leave. So she tells me, "I need to check to make sure you can have a dental cleaning in your third trimester." So, hemming and hawing I had to tell her that I wasn't going to be in my third trimester and could get that damn checkup if I wanted to, thankyouverymuch! Of course, my dental hygenist happened to wander over to the front desk just as I was explaining and strangely enough the receptionist actually said to me, "I thought it was illegal to do surrogacy in NY?"

Who the hells knows about the legality of surrogacy? So random. I explained to her what we were doing and the hygenist was SO interested and asked if I minded a personal question. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound so I said sure. She wanted to know if we used my eggs or donor eggs. WHO THE HELL ASKS THAT?? I told her they were mine.

She was so interested and so "That's Awesome!" about it that it really made me feel better about things. That may have been the turning of the tide for me.

So yesterday I went to pick up a Bumbo seat from a consignment store and I really wanted someone to ask me a question about my kids/pregnancy so I could tell them what we're doing and I was bummed that they didn't. Hahaha!! Talk about a reversal of feelings!

I've given up on trying to make sense of...myself.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Lottery Again

So, you know how I've always complained about winning the lottery for negative things? My heart condition, recurrent M/Cs...all 3 embryos implanting, etc.

Let me add one more to the list.

Gabby was diagnosed with Pemphigoid Gestationis today. Another name for it is Gestational Herpes, but they don't use that name really anymore because it's not REALLY herpes. It's an autoimmune disease

It's on the National Institutes of Health (NIH) "Office of Rare Diseases" website. Dr. Google has informed me that 1 out of 100,000 pregnant get this.

Ladies and Gentlemen, that is 0.001% chance.

Why am I not playing the lottery? Oh yea, it doesn't work the other way around for me :) My coworker/close friend just informed me I should never take my umbrella out in a thunderstorm because I will get struck by lightning. Twice.

I feel so bad. I can't tell if she got it because of my babies, or if it's HER body's reaction to the babies or what. It's not too bad right now but I'm guessing it will get worse.

The MFM didn't seem too concerned. He said he's seen some really bad cases, like, they didn't even look like a person they looked so bad (nice!), and he's not going to give her any steroids yet. Since she already gets followed so closely, he'll just continue to monitor. He doesn't foresee any impact on the babies (thank God, because Dr. Google mentioned there would be), with the except of pre term labor. But since they are multiples anyway, we already have that risk factor.

As for everything else, it looks good. He's not concerned about the small femurs at all because he says it's all growing appropriately week to week, we just have genetically small babies (I guess?). Cervical length, blood pressure, continues to be good. Baby (A)isha is breech right now, and Baby (B)eyonce is head down. Aisha better get her act together though! It doesn't matter how Beyonce is positioned if Aisha is not head down.

So...I'm just going to hope the rash stays on the mild side. Hope hasn't done much for me before though. Ack...and I was just starting to get comfortable with all the good news around here...

Monday, November 5, 2012

23 weeks

23 week picture...



Not that much different than the 18 week picture, right? Has she grown much in 5 weeks?




I'm not sure. Damn femurs, grow! Apparently the MFM does not have "public" email, so I've asked her to ask him about the femurs and AC at this week's appointment.

In other news, we finally finished painting the nursery, which we started before we even had a contract. I love the colors.




I'm in love with this aqua blue palette. So we painted 2 walls a darker aqua and 2 a lighter aqua. We dragged our feet getting this done because that last thing we wanted was to have a nursery and no baby but now time is starting to get away from us. Still not sure how we're going to get flooring done before. The holidays are coming and the weekend starting to move. In one way I love it, in another I wonder if we waited too long to start on things. Being a Type A, OCD kinda of person, I want everything perfect. You'd think after nearly 5 years of things NOT being perfect, I'd have learned to deal better. Oh well.




Thursday, November 1, 2012

Measurements

I have a question to start this off - is there a way to follow wordpress blogs just like you can blogger blogs? Because so many of you have wordpress blogs and I use that follow option to keep up on your blog posts and comments. And I haven't been able to figure it out so I end up not commenting often on wordpress blogs!!

In other news, I got a text from Gabby two nights ago in which she said she had been playing the story I read outloud for Bellybuds to the girls (it's only 3 minutes long, so she plays it on repeat) and the girls were kicking a ton. So strong even her husband could feel those kicks!

My heart totally melted. Keep growing, girls!! I did tell her maybe they were sick of that story being on repeat and they were kicking her to stop playing it :)

I got the reports (plus some creepy looking u/s pictures) from the ultrasound last week at 21w4d. Now if you'll remember (and what do you mean, you don't? :) the doctor said everything was absolutely perfect and she didn't need to come back this week and could come back in 2 weeks instead.

But I'm looking at these measurements and looking them up on Dr. Google. There are two things I'm really worried about:

Their femur lengths seem pretty short. According to the report they are measuring 20.6 and 20.7 weeks respectively. This is when they were 21.6 (that's 21w4d) at the time of the measurement. According to Dr. Google they may be a few days past that, but on the report it is noted that for one of them the FL was 0.8 SD (standard deviations I'm sure) below mean, and the other was 1.0 SD below mean. So why didn't the doctor mention this at all?

Commence worry. I mean, I'm 5'5" and my brother is 5'9" (and he's the tallest in my family, lol) so it's not like we're tall. L's family is 5'11" at its tallest (L is 5'10") but still. I looked it up and short femurs can mean down syndrome. We never got any blood testing done that would have told us our risk for it because they told us it wasn't reliable for twins. I keep hoping there would have been other indications of down syndrome but I'm still worried.

The other thing I'm worried about is the Abdominal Circumference of Baby Aisha. It's 18.1mm smaller than Baby Beyonce's - that seems like a really big difference to me! In terms of length and head and everything else they are close enough to each other that I'm not worried, but the abdomen? Again, no mention of this though.

So, would I be a total freak to email the doctor and ask?