24dpo

So I think I jinxed myself last post. At least a little bit. That night, after I put in my Crinone suppository, I noticed the tiniest bit of pink on the tip. I burst into tears, convinced it was over, or would be soon. After all, that's how my chemical started last month.

I cried myself to sleep.

But there was nothing else all the next day whenever I wiped, and the next night, when I put in the Crinone, nothing. Or the night after.

So I have (hopefully) now convinced myself that it was due to the applicator brushing an otherwise very sensitive cervix, or that my cervix was engorged with blood after DTD with DH earlier that night.

I'm still checking obsessively every time I go to the bathroom though. I'm not 100% sure about this yet. I was having pretty decent cramps around that time as well, though thank goodness they've gotten a lot better. In fact, I even had a couple of days when I was feeling confident about things. Not so much today, though.

In other news, today is the equivalent of 24dpo. If I can get through tomorrow without spotting it will be officially the longest I've ever been pregnant. Fingers crossed.

Beta #2

I was terrified for Friday's beta. I've never doubled before. I actually asked my coworker to listen the message (when the phone rang, I let it go to voicemail). While she did, I took a walk around the entire floor before coming back, afraid of what she might tell me.

It was 177, so I needed 354 to double. Although, it really needs to go a minimum of 2/3, so as long as it was above 300, it would be ok (not great, but ok). Below 300, not.good.

Beta 2 = 413. Yahoooo!

That's twins territory, according to Betabase. OMG.

It would be awesome, but all I want is a healthy take home baby, no matter what.

E2 was 875 and P4 was 38.2 - all good.

My next appointment is the first ultrasound, scheduled for 5/5 (7w1d). I have NOTHING inbetween. It could all go badly, and I wouldn't necessarily know. Then again, I could start spotting any day too. I hate this wait. I'm terrified it's all going to disappear tomorrow. Why can't I enjoy this more? This is what recurrent loss does to you...

Since 5/5 seems so far away, I'm concentrating on making it past 25dpo, the longest I've ever been PG before starting spotting. Today is the equivalent of 17dpo. Can I make it 8 more days?

Beta Day

I was praying for over 50.

I was ok with over 25.

It's 177.

Progesterone is 37, E2 is 750 (I'm not sure how much E2 really matters).

Beta #2 is scheduled for Friday. I need to double. Please let me double. This is where the real fear lies.

If it doubles on Friday I may start to believe that this is real.

Getting Darker

Beta is tomorrow. I have to be there at 7:05am. Ugh. Then I will wait anxiously for the next bajillion hours because they don't seem to call me until around 4-4:30pm, ugh.

I took another FRER this morning in keeping with my every 2 days rule. I was so nervous, but today's looks really good.

Compare the last three sticks (each two days apart):

We saw our infertility counselor for the first time in 3 weeks tonight. She's been in China with her husband or something. Boy was there a lot of catching her up on the craziness that was this past cycle. I also talked a lot about my fear of having another miscarriage. Se made me feel a lot better about my anxiety, telling me she's seen so many women who've been so upset about GETTING pregnant, not wanting the baby, etc., and getting upset and anxious didn't make them lose the baby (even though they probably would have preferred it) so I didn't need to worry that my anxiety over KEEPING this baby would cause any problems either. Perhaps that's a weird thing to tell an infertile, but it actually made me feel better. She gave me the serenity prayer to read over and over again.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I need to work on the first two lines.

Pics

I had a little bit more cramping today, which scared the bejeezus out of me. I am freaking out about every.little.thing. I just can't stop. I am having a hard time believing in this pregnancy. I need beta day to come, and a good beta as well. Not that I'll relax even then, but I at least need that. I am so pessimistic about this, even though as of right now, I have no reason to be. Why can't I just be happy?

Here are some pics of my HPTs. You can see at 2dp5dt it was negative; no more trigger. At 4dp5dt you can just see the faintest of lines. The CBE on 5dp5dt was obviously positive.

Here are comparisons of my two FRERs. I actually made a mistake on the bottom one - that was from 4dpt, not 5dpt. The one on top is correct - 6dp5dt.

I also took an Accuclear test today, just because I wanted to be reassured. Yep, still positive.

Positives

I have positives. Positives that are getting darker. (I want to share pictures, but they are huge and ruin my whole blog design).

I have sore boobs.

I'm either coming down with something (totally possible since my coworker, whom I share an office with, was out last week sick one day) or I have morning sickness, because I'm having trouble with certain smells and feel sick at times. (I'm leaning towards being sick because I don't think morning sickness happens that quickly.

I have had very little cramping. I don't know why, when I have HPTs that are +. It worries me.

I am ecstatically happy, yet very very nervous. I've had two chemicals and 1 M/C. I still have SO far to go. But today I am pregnant. Yesterday I was pregnant. If nothing else, I had this whole weekend pregnant - and I enjoyed every second of it.

Beta is not till Weds. Man, you hear about not wanting to POAS because you might not get a positive because it's too early, but now I feel like there's forever to go before beta. Will I make it to beta? Will my beta be any good? Will I make it to a first U/S? I've never gotten past 6 weeks before. Is this my time?

Hmm...

I slept SO WELL last night. It must have been the exhaustion from sleeping like crap all week, but I actually slept 5+ hours straight and didn't wake up to go to the bathroom until 5am. Oh so nice! I wasn't too hot and I wasn't too cold and I was comfy all night long. I need more nights like that.

Confession: I POAS this morning. On a FRER. And while a whisper of a line, it was there. At 9dpo it's entirely too early, right???? The thing is, I POAS on the evening of 7DPO, and there was nothing. I also (disgustingly, because I'm CRAZY) pulled out the old test from the garbage to compare to this morning's. Then I did it again when I came home from work (yes, out of the garbage AGAIN) to compare the two tests because I thought it was fair to compare them old and dry, instead of an old to a newly peed one.

Seriously, I am so gross.

But the line, ever so light was still there. The one on the 7dpo one, nope.

I had bought 3 tests at 7dpo (I keep saying dpo, but it was really 2dp5dt). I already had one in the house (that's the one I peed on that night) and DH told me I could only buy 3 (because he knows if it were up to me, I'd be spending $50 on tests).

Now I want to pee tomorrow, and the next day and the next day. But I need to wait till Sunday, and then Tuesday.

Is it still trigger? 11 days past trigger, it shouldn't be, right? Not to mention the 7dpo was negative.

But I still wonder. And think about how I did transfer two...

3dp5dt

Well, the jury's still out on whether I'm having any very occasional cramping (it's certainly not as much as last month), but today the bloat came on with a vengeance. At least I finally have something to show for having ET done. Until now I've barely felt like I'd done IVF...the bloating I had from stims went down right after trigger and hadn't come back after transfer, unlike last cycle. I don't know why I WANT bloat, really, I just want some sort of symptom - anything!

No crazy dreams last night. I'm actually having a really tough time sleeping. I'm too warm (likely due to progesterone suppositories, which I take right before bed) and uncomfortable at night.

I'm just trying to keep track of my "symptoms" this month in an effort to know how full of crap (or how right) they were in the future.

Lovenox shots are getting easier. They go in easy (Bravelle hurt much more) but there's a delayed reaction and then a BUUURN. Ouch. But it's getting better. I will be polka dotted soon though because each prick causes a small bruise.

I got my P4 and E2 tested today like I asked for! E2 was 142 and P4 was 17.6. Both are ok numbers, I think. The RE said I didn't need to come back again before beta. I don't know about the E2, but I've read P4 should be above 15 for medicated cycles. Considering I'm on both suppositories AND pills, I'm surprised it's "only" 17.6, not too much above the minimum. This supports my theory I didn't have enough last month.

Losing It

I had the weirdest, most psychotic dream last night. I think it was related in some way to an E! True Hollywood story about Jon and Kate plus 8 I watched before bed, but I actually had a nightmare that one of the infertility bloggers I follow (but doesn't follow me, thank goodness :) was murdered by her husband. WTF? In my dream I learn this from a news report, like this person is a celebrity of something. I've officially gone off the deep end. I don't even know anything about this person (or her husband) !!! Why would I dream about them?

Last night I had some more minor cramping, a little more than earlier in the day, and I had a little this morning, but basically none since then. I'm really struggling with staying positive last time. Last cycle was easier, if it didn't happen I could say, "Well, the first IVF cycle is quite experimental. I didn't really expect anything." I mean, I never did injectible IUIs and they were trying to get a handle on how I reacted to stims.

But this cycle, I don't have any of that to fall back on. They screwed up the stims and it's only by the grace of God I'm even here, with 2 embies in me and 4 more frozen, and to a certain extent, I wonder if I've used up all the good luck I had. My coworker laughed at that today. I have had such bad luck all of my life that she said I should have run out of bad luck by now and have only good luck left, but I do feel like I was just born under a black cloud and will be followed by it forever. And if this cycle fails - that's it, at least for now. I can't think, well maybe next one will be better, because even if I were to do another one, why would it work even better than the one I just had?

There was always the hope of other options before, but I'm slowly running out of options.

I don't feel much. I don't like it one bit. I want to be crampy, I want to be bloated.

I peed on the last FRER I had (from last cycle) in the house tonight. Trigger is just about gone. If I squinted I could make out a line, but it was barely there, something I don't think L would be able to see if I asked him. Today is 9 days past trigger so that's good.

I'm a nutjob.

Transfer Complete

Transfer happened this morning and I could not be more thrilled. It was a little more painful than last time, but still nowhere near as painful as the IUIs I had there - which I think is purely a matter of technique (and my RE is obviously more gifted in that area than the nurses who usually do the IUIs are).

L and I had been discussing all weekend how many to transfer - 1 or 2. We transferred 2 3-day embies last month, and obviously, BFN. So I was very hesitant to transfer only one today, even though it would be a blastocyst. He, on the other hand, got it into his head, that it was an all-or-nothing proposition - that if we transferred two, either both would stick or neither would stick.

I admit I come to reasoning based on some third-hand knowledge. I have two IRL friends who've done IVF and both implanted 2 blasts each and both ended up with singletons. Obviously, that in no way makes it that that will happen to me, but I do know it's not all or nothing. We kind of put it behind us until we saw the quality of the blasts.

I don't know how many we expected today, but we had 8 embies make it to the blast stage and 1 was still a morula. The others had arrested. Still, 9/12 is fantastic considering where we were just a few days ago! We had one absolutely perfect, starting-to-hatch 5AA blastocyst. The others were of decent quality, but nothing great like that. I don't remember exactly, but we had a bunch of 3BC, a 2BA, and a bunch of 1ABs (or something like that). I have now learned that unlike the 3-day grading system, the number score on the 5-day blast doesn't necessarily mean quality, it's the letters that do. The number refers to the stage in development (i.e. 4s and 5s have become an expanded blast).

I told the embryologist straight how I felt. While I would prefer 1 baby over two (in one pregnancy), I would prefer twins rather than nothing. She told me that basically answered how we should proceed, and recommended putting in the next best one as well, which was the 2BA, and NOT the 3BC (due to quality, not stage of development). L seemed to feel (and he's probably right) that the 2BA was sufficiently behind enough that it probably wouldn't make much of a difference so he was ok with that, and it made me feel better to have 2.

The others got cultured to grow further to see if they would make it to freeze and I just got a call saying that 4 of them were frozen today and there are two more that were a little slow but they are going to see how they do overnight and they might freeze them tomorrow. Even with the 4, I am just in awe of where we are today, compared to last week.

I REALLY REALLY hope this means good things for us, but I am trying not to get too excited. After all, I've read plenty of blogs where women have put back TWO 5AA blasts and still got a BFN when all was said and done.

But for now, I'm done, and there's nothing more I can do. My RE doesn't mandate bedrest and they say if you have a sit-down job you can go back to work, so I took the morning off. However, I have to conduct interviews this afternoon so I couldn't take the whole day like I did last cycle. I really hope it's ok. Even conducting interviews is sort of stressful for me (not as much as going on one).

I Still Don't Know What to Say

But this time, for the opposite reasons. I have had a HELL of a rollercoaster of a week. I mean, it's been completely ridiculous. For those of you on the FF boards, first off, hi!! And second off, thank you so much for listening to my moaning and bitching ALL week.

Let me catch you up on what has happened. After the mess that was Monday, we did trigger that night. On Tuesday I called them back and asked if they could do a blood test to see if my E2 was still low or if it had gone back up (really, I wanted to know if they had somehow made a crazy mistake) but they told me once I had done the trigger shot, my E2 would plummet in response to the surge, so it wouldn't be a good indicator. Then I asked if I could have a U/S before retrieval on Weds. to see if the follicles themselves had started to die off. They said I could, but that it wouldn't necessarily show anything. The follicles themselves might look good on U/S, but eggs inside might be much smaller and immature.

But on Weds. when I went in for ER I did have the U/S (how much do you want to bet I get charged for that, even though it was in direct response to their fuckup?) and I had lots of follies and a beautiful lining of 13mm. I was pretty excited walking down to get prepped for ER.

Then retrieval occurred and when I woke up, I was mired in confusion. I'm a pretty type A person, and don't like giving up control, so having to receive info second-hand from L was annoying. They'd gotten 18 eggs, 14 of them were immature, and 4 were almost mature - is the way he put it. None of them looked to be of good quality. According to the embryologist, they were poor quality and atrophied.

Given all that I went through with this cycle, I was really upset. Then L told me that the RE had actually said to him in passing that since he'd only seen this happen before when the patient had messed up taking the stims.

Oh hell no. HELL NO. I was FURIOUS when I heard that, about 4 hours after ER. I was still woozy but I called up IVF Jen and DEMANDED an appt. with the RE for the following Monday. After all he put me through he DARES tell us it's OUR fault? She seemed a bit bewildered, but did what I asked. Then I was left to despair the rest of the day, thinking about the fert. report the following day and expecting the worst. I kept asking L again EXACTLY what did they say about the eggs and kept getting conflicting reports. Always that there were 18 retrieved and 14 immature, but then that 4 were mature or 4 were almost mature. But still, that egg quality was poor. I tried to tell myself I'd at least have 4 eggs at fert. report but then I kept thinking that due to poor quality, they might not make it.

The embryologist had also told L that they were going try to mature (the 4 eggs I thought) in the lab and do regular IVF instead of ICSI on them. Apparently when ICSI is done they strip some proteins that allow the egg to mature faster in order to inject the sperm directly. We don't have male factor, so we were completely ok with that.

Anyway, I couldn't sleep Weds. night because I was so worried about a fert. report of 0 on Thursday. I gave L my cell phone for him to answer because I was seriously afraid of what I might say with a bad fert. report. When they called around 7:40am (40 min. later than last cycle) I was beside myself worrying that it was so bad they were trying to figure out a way to tell me nicely. When the phone actually rang, I instantly plugged my ears.

I have really good hearing though, dammit. I could still hear L talking through my fingers, so I began rocking them back and forth so I wouldn't hear anything. Finally I got tired though and stopped, and with the fingers still in my ears, heard him say, "And how is the quality?" and I instantly relaxed. They might be shitty quality, but at least I had *ONE* egg.

When he got off the phone I released my ears and stared up at him, "Well?" I asked, almost not wanting to know. "Did any make it?"

He looked at me, nodded, and said, "Yea, 12."

12? 12?!?!?! I seriously thought the most I could get was 4, and that was if everything went perfectly. Last cycle we had 12 eggs retrieved, 7 were mature and 5 fertilized. Now we had 12? I don't know what magic they did, but they were able to rescue 8 more of those eggs.

Of course, we had been told at ER (or really L was told, as I was out of it) that egg quality was poor, so immediately I started worrying that none would make it to Day 3, which we were automatically scheduled for at ER. L had asked about quality but they said it was too early to make a judgment (how did they at ER, then?) but I was on Cloud 9.

40 minutes later, I got another call from the RE's office. OMG, I nearly had a heart attack. Negative me immediately thought, "What if they confused me with someone else and made a mistake and all of them were gone?" But it turned out to be some nurse who had heard at least part of the conversation with L and the RE (where he blamed us messing up the medication) and wanted to tell me that my husband had misunderstood the RE. I listened to her for about 2 minutes and then asked, "Well, on Monday the RE had told us he'd never seen anything like this before." She replied, "Well, I've seen it twice in the time I've worked here. It's always been because the patient messed up the medication."

Oh, so we DIDN'T misunderstand. You're still blaming us. She went onto say that she's seen it when the stim protocol was very complicated, but I checked out of the conversation. First off, we had ONE drug to take each night (in addition to the lupron, which we were told to STOP taking before this whole thing took a nosedive). Kind of hard to screw that up when we'd been doing it correctly the previous 12 DAYS of stims. Secondly, even if my husband had by accident (and I don't for one second believe it, but let's just talk hypotheticals here) given me 3 vials of Bravelle instead of the 4.5 vials I was supposed to take, that STILL doesn't explain why my E2 dropped from 1255 to 349 in TWO days. If my E2 had gone up only a little, then maybe I'd believe it. If my E2 had gone down a little, maybe even then I might have believed it? But to drop to 1/4 of what it was? No way, sister.

I still believe it was him taking us off the Lupron that did it, but I'm not sure how. According to the RE my progesterone was still low, and they don't check LH so I don't know but I don't think I had premature luteinization, but what do I know? Clearly just as much as the RE though.

And even despite all that - did she really think that by calling me I was going to take the RE's side over my husband? My husband who is so so careful every night in washing his hands, cleaning off the injection site with an alcohol swab, measuring the medicine, and getting out all of the air bubbles? There is no way I would ever take HER opinion over my husband's.

My doctor's office doesn't do Day 2 calls, so I prepared myself for a 3 day transfer this morning. If they don't call you early on Day 3, you're just expected to show up for transfer. I kept the phone by my side all night, praying once again that they weren't of such poor quality that they all arrested or something. But when no call came at 6:30am I was really bummed. At 7am we got in the car to go to transfer at 7:30am, and at 7:15, the phone call came. "You have several good quality embryos, so if you would like to push your transfer to day 5, that would be ok."

What? Us, go to day 5? Us who only went to day 3 last time? We were on our way already so we asked to come in to discuss.

We still had 12 embryos. 3 of them were of perfect quality (we didn't have that last month), 3 of very good, 3 of fair, 2 of poor, and 1 terrible (probably would arrest today).

That is so much better than last month. How did this happen??? I thought they were poor quality eggs and atrophied? Now some are "perfect?" All I can think of is that the embryologists at my RE are AWESOME, even if my RE himself is not.

Of course, now my worry turns to Monday. They told us that 2/3 of the embryos should make it, and I hope that stays true. Come on embies, you can do it!!!

After this week, I need a drink. Phew....

I Don't Even Know What to Say

My RE is dumbfounded. He's never seen anything like this before. He doesn't know what I should do.

My E2 was 349.

Yet my follicles grew so much from Saturday, according to him. He would have expected they would have shrunk given that E2 level. But they didn't.

He double checked the bloodwork, but it was correct. He double checked Saturday's bloodwork, and it was correct. How could it fall SO MUCH and yet my follicles still grow?

So I could either trigger tonight and see what they come up with at ER or not trigger at all and hope I O on my own (not likely according to them). Triggering with TI may not be a good idea since I have a lot of mature follicles.

I hate him. I'm done with them. They completely screwed me over this cycle. Listen, I didn't expect this cycle would necessarily work, but I expected to BE IN THE GAME. This was my second one - they should have known how I would react based on last cycle and they ignored it every step of the way, IMO.

I have insurance, so it won't really hurt me at this point (except I have to take a day off for ER) but still. I trusted them, and look where it got me.

What is wrong with me? IVF was supposed to make my body work. Now it confuses even an infertility specialist?

I can't deal with this anymore. Where is my goddamn break?

And today is my husband's birthday.

Day 14 of Stims

Well, I'm still here. And I'm still stimming. Tonight will be 14 days of it.

Saturday's U/S and E2 showed some growth. I went from 901 to 1255 and my follicles gained about a millimeter (12-15mm). Not very much, but considering that before that I had only gone up 137 (from 764 to 901) in THREE days I was thrilled.

So what does my doctor tell me to do? After me asking at the beginning of this cycle whether Lupron suppressed me too much last go-around (see here) and me asking throughout THIS cycle (on stim day 5, 7 and 10) why he wasn't upping my meds) all of a sudden I'm to raise the dosage from 3 vials to 4.5 vials (remember I was on 2 vials unexplicably early on in this cycle) AND stop taking lupron.

It's like all or nothing with this guy - 0 to 60. Did he just check back into this cycle?

I haven't gotten today's E2 yet, but my follicles now range from 15-20mm. Hurray!! Yes, I guess lupron WAS oversuppressing me! Thanks, RE, for figuring it out about 7 days after I did. Those degrees are really helping you, huh?

In my learned opinion (which doesn't mean much since I have no medical degree to my name, but thus far I seem to have done a better job than my RE), I don't think I will be triggering tonight UNLESS my LH has begun to rise - which I don't think it will have. On my own I don't O until around 24-25 mm and last month I triggered when I had 23 and 21 mm follicles. I'm guessing that will be tomorrow night, to give the smaller follicles (I have a bunch of 15s) a chance to get to 17 before I trigger (and therefore mature before ER, which will be 2 days after that).

Taking bets on my E2. With the growth I've had...I want to say 2000. But thus far, I've been wrong on E2 every step of the way.

Nine-hundred-and-effing-one

Yesterday my bloodwork showed my E2 to be 901. That's right, ladies and gentleman, 3 days of stims since the previous scan and I only went up barely 140.

WTF is going on? I'm so upset because I think my body is just going to plateau again and they SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING. They upped my dosage slightly again, but is this cycle just no good anymore? Will I get cancelled? Will it matter because will my eggs just be old?

What makes matters worse is that I'm REALLY REALLY uncomfortable, much more so than last month when I had an E2 of 1300 (which isn't even a lot at all). I'm bloated and have a ton of CM and AF-like cramping - not a ton, but I swear I just want to go home, rip off all my clothes and find the biggest sweatpants I can, then jump into bed. And I have nothing to show for it, neither big follicles or high E2.

My follies ranged from 11-14 and I allegedly had a LOT. At least 16. But if I have so many, where is the elusive E2 that they're supposed to be producing?

From the beginning of this cycle I was concerned about this and thus far no one else really seems to be. I TOLD them they shouldn't drop my dosage when I was 443. Yesterday my IVF nurse was just like, "You have to trust [the RE] - that's why you're with him." And all I can think is "Well I won't be with him next month, that's for sure."

E2 levels

My E2 at yesterday's appointment was 764. Last cycle at this point it was 801, and my E2 didn't get much higher after that.

I'm pissed at my RE.

First Scan

Had my first "real" (i.e. non-baseline) scan of the cycle today. I honestly don't know what to think. Because of my slow response last cycle, the RE had me on 3.5 vials of Bravelle this time for the first two days, then 3 vials of it for the following two days. Today is day 5 and my E2 was 443. Much better than the 260 it was at this time last month I think, but I've been told this is too high and they CUT my dosage to 2 vials for tonight and tomorrow (I go back for another scan on Monday).

I can't really find anywhere on Google that 443 is too high. I asked on Fertility Friend and the one response I got said she had 890 on day 5 and the doctors didn't change a thing.

I honestly contemplated taking 2.5 vials tonight instead, but after discussing it with L, stayed with what the doctor said. I fully believe that when you don't trust your doctor, it's time to find another doctor. I honestly am not trusting my RE after last month, but he is an expert, unlike me (although I like to think of myself as one by now). So if I turn out to be right and this cycle is another bust (i.e. E2 flatlines or decreases early) I'm done with them and I'll be going to another RE (after some time away from this).

I just get the feeling he didn't review my notes from last cycle when making the decision to lower my dosage today. I might be wrong, he might be right, but I just get the feeling. I keep hoping that the "boost" I got in the beginning was enough to get me going well for the whole cycle, but I'm very concerned. I don't want this to be all for nothing.

However, I keep telling myself it won't be. I didn't have alot of eggs last cycle, only 5 that fertilized in the end BUT I did have a chemical - and two things against me despite that - not enough progesterone (I'm almost sure of it) AND no heparin. This time I'll have both, so even if I end up in the same egg situation, I hopefully have a better shot.

Because L and I finally got to talk to the MFM from Boston on Friday and she agrees I probably have APS. I have to get a second blood test to confirm, but given the high positive the first time and my three losses now, she's almost certain. Therefore, she's sending me a script for lovenox 40 mg. to take after transfer, though she agrees it's not data driven - but I'm glad she's ok with it.

So, Monday...will be day 7 of stims...we'll see.

Huge

My weight is insane. I've said so many times in the last 6 months that "I'm the highest weight I've ever been" that I should just stop - because it just keeps climbing higher and higher. I keep thinking, doesn't there need to be a plateau at some point? At some point I HAVE to be consuming less calories than I'm expending, right? How have I not hit that point yet?

I really don't think I can do this anymore. My body is telling me that it's had enough. Between the open heart surgeries, the more minor stuff like caths and HSGs, and the hormones I've been on - I think it deserves a break. I think *I* deserve a break.

I start stims tonight for my second round of IVF. I'll be blunt, I do not think it's going to work. I just don't have a good feeling about it. And I feel like crap, physically. Like my skin is too tight for my body, like I'm trying to shove myself into size 4 jeans, only I'm not.

I could have done acupuncture for this round, but I chose not to. I could have gotten myself a massage to get myself all ready, or gone to see my chiropractor because my lower back has been bothering me, but I chose not to. Whether it's depression or exhaustion or both or neither, I'm just DONE.

I'm doing this cycle because I'm already in the middle of it. Had my baseline appt. today and everything looks good so tonight I welcome 3.5 vials of Bravelle into my body. My pants, which barely fit right now, are going to go on strike by the middle of next week. I went out and bought some new clothes today (and not even cheap ones, like I have been doing, thinking it would all get better soon and I could get back to my regular size).

But when it's done, the doctor stuff is going to stop. Not that I'm not going to keep trying - I'll do OPKs, and charting and stuff I guess, but no more hormones. No more not working out because it throws off my cycle. I need to get back to being me. Because right now, I'm so far away from where I was - 60lbs up from my wedding weight, which let me tell you, was not where I even wanted to be at the time. 60 FUCKING POUNDS. How did that happen?

Ok, I know how it happened. But I have to change it, for me, and for my future children, if I ever have any.

I don't really know if I'm ok with this. I've never really thrown in the towel at anything in life. But part of why I think I can do this is because L and I sent in an adoption application, finally. 3 years after we initially started it, we're going with a different agency and hoping it works out. The money involved, it really kills me. I would adopt 4 babies if not for the money. But alas, it requires it, and we have the ability now to be able to afford it, though of course that means not paying off my student loans as fast as we would otherwise. Debt, debt, debt - hate it.

I have no idea how long the process will take, or if we'll ever get a placement. But the journey has started, because in the end, all I want is a baby of my very own, whoever gives birth to it.

Onwards and Upwards

Wow, I've been a horrible ICLWer this round. The Fates conspired against me with two blows last week and I was just DONE with the internet for the most part. Friday night I indulged in excess alcohol in a way I haven't for years, and I paid the price on Saturday.

My dear, dear husband tried his best the entire weekend to keep my mind off things which resulted in a 5 hour car ride to nowhere, really, yesterday (but hey I admit I was entertained).

So I will try again next month, and hope that I can be a much better commenter.

I met with the RE today for my "what the f" meeting. It seems like this cycle wasn't all that great anyway. It is surprising to me because my FSH was pretty low - 2.6. But I just didn't respond the way they expected me to.

On day 3 of stims, my E2 was 260 - in the right range of 200-400 but on the lower side. They upped my Bravelle from 2 to 3 vials and 3 days later my E2 had gone to 801 - perfect. But after that, things started to fall off the track, and I'm not sure why. Neither is he (comforting, you know? Not).

On day 10 of stims, my E2 had only gone to 1364, and SOME (not all) of my follicles had actually gotten a little smaller (L pointed out to me they got smaller by 1mm, which he believes could just be human error as he thinks they're not all that precise about measuring follicles). According to my RE today, given my numbers, he would have expected to see an E2 of 2000 at this point.

Then, on the final day of stims (day 12), my E2 actually fell slightly, to 1308. I had 4 really good sized follicles, so they couldn't stim me any longer, but according to my RE, I had so many slightly smaller follicles he thinks my E2 should have been close to 4000 at that point.

So what the hell?

I asked if the BCP I was on for 5 weeks might have oversuppressed me but he said my E2 was 38 at baseline. If it were, say, 7, he might agree with me, but E2 is within the acceptable range of 20-50. He says it's possible the Lupron might have surpressed me a little too much, but he's not positive. However, I think he's keeping the same exact Lupron protocol the next time around, which confuses me.

He did say that for IVF #2, he will be upping my stim dosage. Instead of starting me on 3 and going down to 2, he will be starting me on 3.5 vials and going down to only 3 vials. I really hope that does the trick...

He said if possible, *I* should be more proactive about my cycle. I think this is slightly bullshit, because A) I'm no doctor, and B) This was my first IVF. But I also see his point as well, he knows I'm a control freak, and if I'm seeing that my estrogen isn't as high as would be expected, I might ask about additional estrogen to help things along in the middle of stims next cycle, or, if there needs to be a 3rd cycle (please God, no) to do away with Lupron altogether.

Even after the stims though, things still weren't entirely clear. They retrieved 12 eggs from me, which he said in terms of numbers were spot on average and what they like to see. But only 7 of them were mature, which he said was less than they expected. Out of those 7, 5 fertilized. Out of those 5, 1 arrested after only 2 days, the other four turned into 2 "ok" 8-cell embryos and 2 "good" 6-cell embryos. He didn't mention any fragmentation.

So they implanted the 2 good ones, which teaches me they prefer the quality of the embryos to the number of cells they have.

The 2 "ok" ones they left to see if they could make it to freeze, and only one made it to a day 5-blastocyst, but it was of such poor quality (3CC) they didn't freeze it.

So the overall notes I have from their summary is:

Oocyte quantity was good, maturational status was fair, and oocyte quality was poor....Overally this was a lesser quality cycle than expected for a young woman. However the embryo development was acceptable.

But the question is, does changing the stimulation protocol help with that?

Keeping in mind he was suggesting me to be more proactive where I felt necessary, it gave me the courage to ask about the things I wanted going forward. So I asked if they would please test my progesterone and E2 levels during my 2ww next time, because I am concerned with the fact that I started bleeding much earlier than I do in a non-IVF cycle. He agreed.

And finally I brought up my concern about my loss panel that I've had done. He does not think I need heparin, but said I could take lovenox starting right after ET if I wish. I do wish it, thanks.

So, on that note, I FINALLY got a hold of someone at Brigham and Women's and made an appointment with Dr. E, the MFM recommended to us by Dr. Mike 2 years ago now...sigh...

I could either meet with her this Thursday or on 3/31. And she wants to see my lab results from the loss panel, since I haven't seen her in over a year because, you know, we have yet to get to 8 weeks.

I was debating whether I could wait till 3/31 because Thurs. is really short notice to take off of work, and I have a deposition that day anyway. I waited till IVF Jen called me to let me know about my calendar for IVF#2, and then called Dr. E's office back to say I'd take 3/31.

This way I'll hopefully have a plan for post ET going forward.

So...onwards to IVF #2. I hope this works out better for me than IVF #1.