Thursday, August 30, 2012

Ultrasound #...6

How can we just be at the end of the first trimester and we've already had 6 ultrasounds? Craziness.

Gabby's appointment was this morning and she tried to connect us via Skype, but was having trouble so we switched to speakerphone. It wasn't my favorite, couldn't hear that well, but I got the big deets - and I guess that's all that matters.

Still two babies! Hurray!!! Man, the seconds seem like hours when you're just waiting and there's silence on the phone. More than once I gestured towards L, "What is going on? Oh no," and at one point I even put my head in my hands despairing of, I don't know what, but something.

Didn't get actual heartbeat rates, but they both in the 160s. One baby was measuring 14 weeks and one was measuring 13.9 weeks (I don't understand .9 because today is 13w4d, but I'm guessing that's a little over 13w6d but not quite 14). Sweet! The doctor commented that there is sibling rivalry already! :) That size is really great to hear because a few weeks ago they were both measuring right on time, and the third baby (that got reduced :(  ) was the one measuring ahead, so it seems as if the extra room has helped thus far. Her cervix is measuring 3.5 cm* (I questioned the doc about it because I think it's a little short for where she is in the pregnancy but he said it was totally fine, and ok, I guess I'll believe him since he's an actual doctor and all I have is Google! :) and the amniotic fluid levels look great, the "wall" between the two sacs look great, everything looks really good. I'm given the go ahead to tell people. Ack! I am totally calling my sister tonight to tell her the news! :)

*I know some of you may be like, "Why does she give all this number information, no one cares" and it's really just so that I remember it and can compare in the future! :)

One placenta is anterior and one is posterior, which might account for why Gabby normally can only find 1 heartbeat (I think she's found the second one twice in all the times she's looked for it). And the baby on top was doing a headstand today! He's definitely going to be our little troublemaker.

So we're all set to come back in another two weeks and then the doctor says if we're willing to come back in 2.5 weeks, we can do the anatomy scan. Do you know what that means? Gender!!!! Ahhh!! Oh my goodness, this is all so new to me and I can't believe we're talking about this already! Unfortunately it's going to fall on Rosh Hashanah (Monday 9/17) so our doctor won't be the one to do it, but we're going to go back to Boston and another great doctor will do it (better than him, he said.)  I will totally wait the extra three days for that. Plus he said Boston just got brand new ultrasound machines so they will probably give great pictures for a "photoshoot." So now I'm SO EXCITED!

Gabby pressed him on the spotting (she said it's all brown and just when she wipes but it keeps coming) and he looked everywhere. He really didn't see anything but he said it had all pooled somewhere (this was hard to hear/understand over the phone) and therefore he's not at all concerned but thinks that it was either leftover implantation bleeding that got "caught" and is now draining out or the third placenta. Either way, he's not concerned. I know I shouldn't be either, but I like answers and never seem to get them in life so I'm cautiously optimistic, but not wholly.

I totally want to be over-the-moon excited and I am, but for some reason I feel like if I let myself get too excited it's going to jinx things. It's so stupid I know. Gabby says she's not worried anymore and I shouldn't either but I will until viability I'm sure. It's definitely a contradiction how on some days I feel like I want to say I think this will work out, but other days no. Oh well, 'tis the life of an RPLer, I guess.

Can't wait until I get the scan pictures in the mail! And today Giuliana and Bill's baby was born (or last night) so this seems perfect. Last night we watched the final episode of the last season (I downloaded the whole season on Itunes last week) where they enter the "safe zone" and tell everyone. I don't really believe in a "safe zone" until viability, but it was very appropo for today!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Not Much News

Haven't heard much from Gabby. No news is good news I guess? She heard a heartbeat yesterday, only one. I haven't been too worried about hearing only 1 before, and I know the one she didn't hear is the baby that's been SUPER active, which would make it even harder to find, but of course I still worry. Things are going far too well, right?

Our next ultrasound is this Thursday. As it gets closer, I get more nervous, a pit in my stomach starts to form. She said she would listen to the doppler tomorrow again so that I could sleep on Weds. night. I hope she remembers to do so.

If all is good on Thursday, we will be telling my siblings (not L's yet) this weekend. And this weekend is our 5th anniversary! We are going back to Vermont for the second time in a month (but to Stowe this time, not Burlington) for a full weekend away complete with a couples massage. And we will have another 2 person whirlpool in our room again. That sounds like heaven to me!

I haven't heard about any more spotting/bleeding, so I presume all is ok on that front. I really hope it doesn't come back.

5 more days to the second trimester!

Sunday, August 26, 2012


Thanks so much for your advice and suggestions on my last post! I think it helped me narrow down my own issues with telling strangers!

Gabby heard the heartbeats again today...163 and 165 beats each. Holding steady and strong.

Tomorrow is 13 weeks!

Friday, August 24, 2012

I Feel Like a Liar

And I shouldn't...I should get used to this in the coming months and think of a good response, but I've been thinking about this since the beginning and can't come up with anything.

We had new neighbors (young neighbors! Younger than us I'm pretty sure) move into the condo next to us last year. We live in a development where 99% of the owners are elderly so it's always nice to see young people move in. We're friendly when we see each other, wave hi and everything, but we've never done more than small talk about their dog, our dog, the weather, etc. Heck, I didn't even know their names.

Well, they got pregnant (I will never forget when L sprung that on me and I was not prepared) last year and had a baby. Didn't even know whether it was a girl or boy, but yesterday as I was walking the dog, the girl (mom) was walking her baby around the private road we're on. So I stopped to say hi, asked her name (I probably should be more embarrassed I didn't know but eh) and asked her about her stroller.

I'm overwhelmed by strollers at this point in time. They are very confusing to me (twin strollers). We actually bought a Chicco Keyfit travel system (only 1!) when we were in the adoption process, but it's still in its box in the garage. Don't know if we will ever use it now, but I'm thinking we might want to keep it in case we're only bringing one baby someplace one day? I dunno.

These neighbors seem to have a LOT of money. I admit it, I'm jealous. When they first moved in the guy had a blinged out Hummer and a huge monster truck, and the girl drives an Audi. Before they even moved into the condo they completely remodeled it. And the stroller was a Peg Perego (how do you pronounce that? Peg - puh-raygo?) I have no idea what they do, I do know the guy was in the military but I don't think he is anymore (his Hummer license plate said Country First and was a veteran license plate) but I know the military doesn't pay that well! Anyway, jealousy will get me nowhere...I know.

Anyway so I asked about her stroller and she was really nice. And then she asked me if we were expecting. Maybe I should have expected that, because when I think about it, why else would ask someone about their stroller, but it really didn't even occur to me at the time that she would ask me. Now, she specifically asked if we were expecting. Not if I was pregnant. So I thought, it's not a lie, yes, yes we are? Then she asked when the baby was due, and I told her. Then she asked how I was feeling.

Um, fine. Had a migraine a couple of days ago, and I may be going batshit crazy from day to day but... Oh.

I just mumbled something like, "fine," but inside I felt like an idiot. I will be telling family and friends we're doing surrogacy, but not sure I want total strangers to know. But even though this is a stranger, it's a stranger we live next to. Now, it's been more than a year and the first time we've actually met up while walking, so the likelihood of that happening again probably isn't high. But still. Can someone get me a fake belly for the next 6 months?

But if I had told her we weren't expecting, and then we show up with 2 six months from now, that would be weird too. Grr...I don't want to tell everyone my business.

If anyone has any suggestions on how I should handle this sort of situation in the future, please let me know!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

More Spotting, But I'm Starting to Chill

Gabby had more spotting last night, which she told me about right away. It was brown, so I'm not as worried.

She found both heartbeats with the doppler last night! Probably adds up to why I wasn't so worried. And she said both were strong. I'm kind of thinking that if the spotting had to do with the 2 remaining babies, if one was on a slow decline, she wouldn't hear strong heartbeats anymore after 1.5 weeks of this. At least that's what I'm telling myself. We don't get another u/s for a week. I'm hoping it just has to do with the third. Of course, part of me thinks that the moment I start "being ok" with the spotting, it means I've let down my guard and something bad will happen. Yick.

I still emailed Dr. K to ask about it. He said he's had other patients in which this happened for awhile. What's awhile? 2 weeks? 4 weeks? The rest of the pregnancy? Give me some numbers! I love numbers. He said related to spotting, they are more concerned about cervical shortening (i.e. pre-term labor) and that is why she is having so many ultrasounds. That's all good and fine, but I am still concerned about today.

She's off to the museum today, presumably with a child or children in tow. I wish I could make her stay home with her feet up, just in case. I do trust her, I don't think she would ever do anything to jeopardize this pregnancy, but sometimes I don't think she is as careful as I would be. Now granted, I would probably go overboard, but since she's had 3 kids, she probably thinks she can be as carefree as she was with them, because they were so "easy."

That might not be giving her enough credit though. We were talking about extra folic acid/iron based on something Dr. K had said and she said the MFM doctor told her she didn't need to do that, and not to take extra iron unless her hemoglobin goes down. (Extra iron apparently causes constipation - who knew?) And on her own, without telling me this until now, she's been checking it at work (yay for a carrier who's also a nurse practitioner!). So maybe I am just worried for no good reason at all. As we all know, wouldn't be the first time, and it sure as hell won't be the last!

February seems so far away. Can it at least be October?

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Better Today

Email from Gabby last night - no bleeding all day, no cramping. Email from Gabby this morning, still no bleeding, and found a heartbeat in the 160s this morning. Can only find one but thinks the other one has moved behind since they're bigger.

And she's in maternity clothes for the first time today!

ETA: L tells me he thinks I misinterpreted the "days" comment she made yesterday (about bleeding for more than 1 day). He thinks he was referring to those other times she's told us she's had bleeding (what prompted the emergency u/s LAST Monday and the other day of bleeding she had last Wednesday before the u/s. Not that she was bleeding all weekend and didn't tell us. When I asked her yesterday morning how long she'd been bleeding she did say only the night before, so I should probably calm down about her not telling me stuff.

If I sound bipolar, it's because I am. One day I think the world is crashing down on me and we're never gonna make it (i.e. yesterday) and the next everything is right with this world and I think we will. (i.e. today). I'll probably be right back down in the dumps tomorrow. Sorry for my roller coaster life right now, it's definitely a bumpy ride :(

I'm fine with only finding one. At least there's one.

Saw this article on fertility treatments and PTSD. Yes, yes, yes. I would definitely say I have those symptoms. After multiple miscarriages and the letting go and trusting of gestational surrogacy, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, I have terrible dreams, it is horrible.

Fertility treatments may put women at risk for PTSD symptoms, study suggests

What do you think? Do you think you're at risk for PTSD symptoms?

Monday, August 20, 2012


Gabby is having more bleeding. I don't even know how long this has been going on or how much from her words.

I have had bleeding and everytime I rush upstairs and check for the heartbeats. I'm actually going to call (MFM doctor) today to ask him how likely it is that it's the placenta of the third fetus breaking down...(more stuff)....What happens is that I have bleeding, usually when I go to the bathroom, then it trickles down and it's just spotting on the paper for the remainder of the day. On those days I take it really easy and try not to move around a lot.

Days? What the hell? She just had a u/s on Thursday? She texted me Saturday night with a belly bump picture and didn't mention any bleeding? What is going on?

She did listen and find a heartbeat on the doppler today, but that's it, stick a fork in me, I'm done. I can't do this for even one more week, let alone 24 more. I can't concentrate on anything else, I can't think, all I want to do is cry. I asked her to please let me know if she had anymore bleeding. I knwo she doesn't want to worry me but I don't want to worry about whether she's telling me stuff or holding back. And I DEFINITELY don't want to be thinking everything is good and get surprised by bad news.

I can't handle this stress. I'm not kidding. I'm going to have a breakdown.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

12 Weeks

Got a text from Gabby last night with a 12 week baby bump picture. I love pictures so it made me really happy. She said the picture did not do her belly justice and looks smaller than it does in real life. She said she is starting to transition into maternity clothes now too.

The last few nights, she told me, her energy has come back somewhat - she's been up past 10pm each night. I know she could just be coming out of that first trimester exhaustion - but to be frank, it scares the crap out of me. It worried her too - so she listened with the doppler last night and found a strong heartbeat at 168. She didn't mention a second heartbeat and I didn't ask about it either. I figure last week she was only mentioning one as well but there were two heartbeats on the ultrasound. Then again, maybe one of the hb's stopped and that's why her energy is coming back.

At 10.5 weeks in my last pregnancy my symptoms started getting better too, and people told me it's just because you're getting towards the end...and then there were no hbs at the next ultrasound, so I admit it, I'm scared. And there's no ultrasound again until 8/30! I don't know how I'm going to make it that far. I'm going to hope she keeps listening to the doppler and hearing something in the meantime.

So I put together all three bump pictures she's sent me to compare the growth! I think the shirts over the belly make it look smaller...but here it is!

I think I'm going to wait until the next ultrasound to say anything to my siblings.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Officially the Farthest We've Ever Made It!

Things looked good at the U/S today! It was our first OB appointment, even though we're seeing an MFM doctor, but this guy is much closer to where Gabby lives so she doesn't need to drive 2 hours each way almost every week.

I don't know what it is but I manage to work myself up into near-panic attack mode by the time an appointment comes around. We did not go today as we've already missed 2 days of work in the last three weeks, only participated by text because I can't stand the thought of "real-time" tragedy occuring.

"So they're looking for the heartbeats now....still looking...and...oh no," is what I have in my head and what I can't take. If the news is bad, tell me after the fact...a live accounting of it is just too much. Of course, by text wasn't that much it involved a lot of  "Did vitals, now waiting for the doc....Still waiting...still waiting...what's your cardiac condition again?" I was petrified.

But both babies are still there - one hb was at 167, the other at 171, and they were flipping around and moving up a storm (Gabby likes to give them a sugar rush right before an ultrasound). They didn't really measure them...they were using a portable u/s and said they couldn't get good measurements but guessed between 50-58 mm, so that sounds ok.

As for the spotting, which has happened on an off through the pregnancy thus far the doctor said it could be lots of things, none that seem worrisome. I guess I'll have to trust him on that.

And he's totally cool with Skyping during appointments, which is great to know! He recently did a delivery via Skype - the dad was in Pakistan - so cool! A lot of doctors aren't.

So the next u/s will be a more formal measuring one but not for two more weeks, boo. Then starting at 16 weeks she has to go in every week until 23 weeks. I forgot to ask why but I think it's related to s/r in some way because Dr. K told us this last week. Then after 24 weeks it's every 2 weeks again until 30 weeks, then back to every weeks. We will be getting TONS of ultrasounds! I am so so glad.

Our official EDD is March 3, 2013, but it looks like we will be closer to mid-February with twins.

I am SO relieved it's not even funny.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Nightmare as Premonition?

Nothing else has really happened with the bleeding, so hopefully things are going ok? Who knows. Certainly not me. Gabby listened to the doppler on Monday night and found both heartbeats. (I really do have a love/hate relationship with them). She took it really easy on Tuesday and everything else seems ok though she didn't listen last night.

And then I had a horrible, horrible nightmare last night. And the problem is, in the past I've attributed my nightmares (never dreams, huh) to premonitions. A few weeks before I lost the last pregnancy I dreamt I was at a party with my family and gave birth (a very clean "birth" - no blood) to a little skeleton with a baseball hat on. At the time I was freaked out but not too worried about it, but after the missed M/C and we found out it was a boy I wondered if my body knew something I didn't.

So last night I woke up terrified around 5am. I dreamt that Gabby had been bleeding again - but this wasn't miscarriage bleeding, in my nightmare it was full on hemorraghing (OMG I cannot spell that word right and I've retyped it 20 times) even though she was in no danger herself - and so she went to an u/s and then called me to tell me what was happening, and already one heartbeat was already gone, and though there was still one other heartbeat the doctor was basically like, yeah, this one is going to go too. And I kept repeating over and over, "I can't believe we're going to lose both of them. We're not going to make it to 12 weeks."

I don't even feel like the dream lasted very long and I woke up right away but I was devastated. Is this what's going to happen to us? So in the morning I emailed Gabby right away to tell her partially about the nightmare (um, I didn't mention the hemorraghing) and literally within a minute she emailed me to tell me there was no bleeding, that nothing had happened overnight. I relaxed. An hour later she emailed me again to say it was pouring for work so she quickly threw on the doppler and she found one heartbeat. She made sure to tell me she didn't even look for the other heartbeat and she had to go to work, but she would look tonight. And honestly, if there's no new bleeding a la my nightmare and she found one, I'm really not that worried about it. And we do have a u/s tomorrow.

In general though, I do think Monday threw her for as big a loop as me as she has done the doppler just about every day now and I haven't asked.

Sunday is 12 weeks. Can we please make it to Sunday?

At some point we should start telling people, which should be the fun part. Should. Unless I tell everyone and once again need to untell everyone. I want to wait until 20 weeks, but L says that's too long. It's kind of cool that I could go practically a whole pregnancy and not tell anyone because it's not my stomach that is growing. Both our parents know (and MY super close friends, but not L's) but that's it. Not even our siblings. And L is worried that if we wait much longer they will get pissed at us. Heaven knows I was pissed at SIL for not telling us there were twins until 18 weeks. I admit I'm spiteful like that, so I really don't want to tell them we're even expecting, even though they told us they were pregnant at 8 weeks. Nice, Ducky. But her baby shower is coming up in September and I just want to keep it quiet till after the baby shower. We're actually seeing them for the first time in...well for L it will have been since May, and for me it will have been since last Thanksgiving. Yea. I told you there were family problems with my inlaws. I wish I could get out of this weekend too but I've pushed it as far as I can, and me being sick again ain't gonna fly. I wish I had lost weight in that timeframe (I certainly had enough time) but unfortunately, I have not. Not sure how I'm going to get through this weekend seeing both MIL and SIL and SIL's 28 week pregnant with twins belly but my "secret" helps.

But even so, I don't know about my family. I'm debating telling them next week if tomorrow's u/s goes ok (after we officially hit 12 weeks) but I sort of want to wait till the following week's u/s (supposedly we're supposed to get one every week till 22 weeks or something now because of the s/r, and I REALLY hope that's true) just to make sure. But that's getting rather late for telling siblings I think... and then I will tell close friends (not super close) at 14 weeks, officially into the second trimester.

Let's hope I get to follow these plans.

Monday, August 13, 2012

So Bad...So Good...So Bad

Sorry for the silence on my end. Yes, I've been a mess. I don't even know what happened to my Friday - it's just a blur. I barely did any work - good thing I don't have billable hours or I'd be screwed. L decided we needed to get out so he spent all Friday night looking for a place to go Saturday night. EVERYTHING was booked and our normal kennel for the dog was too, so we ended up splurging on a whirlpool King suite in Burlington, VT and driving out an hour to another kennel to drop the pup off.

I woke up Saturday morning and tried to convince L we didn't need to go, it was a lot of money for one night. But he must have been sick of my crying (ok, that's being mean, I know he was concerned) and insisted on it so we headed off. We got to the hotel and they had given us the wrong room and I just about burst into tears again (have I mentioned how much I love whirlpool/jacuzzi tubs? I'm a bath girl) but they apparently shifted someone who hadn't shown up yet who was getting a free upgrade and gave us the room instead. They also gave us free breakfast for the inconvenience. Score.

The room was amazing, and we jumped in the tub (ahem, yes, 2 person whirlpool tub) right away. I mean, put our bags down, turn on the faucet. There were shutters that opened from the huge bathroom to the rest of the room and the TV pulled out from its normal locations and turned so we could watch the Olympics from the tub, which we did.

It was SO nice. I must have apologized a gazillion times for not wanting to come because it was different and I wasn't fixating on the previous 48 hours anymore but relaxing with my hubby and I just enjoyed it so much.  We took a quick nap after the bath, and then went out for dinner (I tried steak tartare for the first time ever!) and then to an Eastern tea shop where we had Doja (??) rice for dessert. it was so yummy. Afterwards we went to Lake Champlain chocolates and I got two pieces of salted caramel chocolates for later (OMG $1.40 EACH and honestly I didn't love them), L got some maple fudge which was pretty good, and we went back to the room for the night. With the cost of the damn room we needed to take advantage of it. We got back in the tub and continued to watch the Olympics and that's pretty much it.  Then Gabby texted me randomly that she had listened to the heartbeats on the doppler again and had found 2 hbs in the 160s which made me feel much better as well.

The next morning we had the free hotel buffet breakfast which was fantastic and we definitely filled up. It was all free so that made it even better. Then we headed back towards NY, and saw a sign for a ferry. We drove down a few miles and there was a short line of cars taking a small ferry across Lake Champlain back to NY. We decided to take it as well and it was my first trip since I was about 4 on a car ferry! We parked the cars like sardines and then got out and enjoyed the sun and breeze and water for about 25 minutes and we were there. Cut a lot of time off - it was great! We ended up in this tiny little town called Essex, stopped for coconut ice cream and went back home to get the dog.

Short, and yea, too expensive, but we've never done something like that before. It was just what we needed.

Cut to today when I get an email from Gabby saying she had bleeding this morning, had emailed that MFM doctor I really liked, and he was getting her in to an u/s in an hour. Fucking great. Immediately I just crumpled. If we have a m/c after the s/r I seriously think I might die. I cannot take anymore.

She told me after the bleeding (which she was weird about, she said she thought it was bleeding but wasn't sure. How do you not know??? I hate this not being me instead) she went back and got the doppler and there were still two heartbeats, which reassured me significantly, and of course I got on the computer and Dr. Google told me that bleeding can happen after s/r (and Gabby said she had no cramping), but then the MFM had told her that bleeding wasn't normal. WTF?

She finally got in for the u/s and she told me they said everything looked normal, but they couldn't tell where the bleeding was coming from, which of course, makes me immediately nervous. Both babies were measuring on time, (of course last Thursday they were measuring 2 days ahead so is that something to worry about or did they just not measure that well?), heartbeats in the 170s (they actually measured this time), no subchorionic hematomas or anything, fluid levels looked fine. So they sent her on her way to just take it easy.

So what was the bleeding? Fluid from the third sac? If I had been there I would have asked them to look and see if it was still intact or if that could be it, but I didn't hear anything about it, nor did they mention it. She's not having any more bleeding beyond a little residual bit, so that's good. I mean, in a way, it's good because I think I can blame it on s/r (as opposed to having nothing done and random bleeding) but of course, what if the s/r sets an m/c off?

So today was a total blur as well. I really need to get work done tomorrow. But I'm just a mess, again. I just need it to be 20 weeks already so I can start to relax and be happy. I just want to be happy. I feel like I'm never going to be a parent. This is all going to cruelly be ripped from me again.

Tomorrow is 11w2d, which is the day in my last pregnancy when we went in for the NT scan so happy thinking we were basically "out of the woods" and there was no HB left. Thank God Gabby still has an appointment on Thursday, which will be 11w4d so I get another update this week, and then that will officially be the longest my babies have ever made it. Please let this happen. Please let this work.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

10w4d Ultrasound

We're on our way back from the hospital and I'm writing this on my phone. It's a 3+ hour drive back home and we've just been sitting in traffic for 2 hours, and we're only halfway home.

Our appt. was at 9:30am this time rather than 8:30 like last time so we got to sleep in till 4:30am. That hour makes a huge difference!

Once again we met up in Au Bon Pain and ate (well L and Gabby did, I was again too nervous to eat before the u/s. Gabby definitely has a noticeable bump! Small but so cute. I was thinking, but those are mine!

This time we were in MFM rather than general u/s and the detail of the u/s seemed to be a lot better. I didn't leave the room this time though I was plenty nervous and the sonographer helped me out by finding the babies and their heartbeats very quickly. How could she miss them? They were huge! Ok, so they're only the size of a prune this week I think (??) but on screen they looked so big and developed compared to 8w2d!

All 3 heartbeats were there, of course. I asked a bunch of times and they wouldn't tell me how fast they were. The sonographer said at this stage, they don't measure them anymore because it's meaningless. (???) super close work friend said in her pregnancy she only got HBs when they did dopplers, not ultrasounds. I don't get it but our sonographer said they can tell by looking whether the heartbeat is ok or not and only if there was a concern would they measure it.

Two of the babies were measuring 10w6d and one was 11w1d! They clearly are doing great. Gabby said "I agree with you, I don't think your eggs were the issue." thank you!

2 of the babies were squiggling around in there, it was adorable to watch. One kept using both feet to push out of the dip he was in and then would "fall" back in. Then he'd do it again and again. Another one was below the other two and just kept kicking one foot randomly and shaking a fist. The third one in the upper left corner was not moving (maybe sleeping). He was just burrowing.

When it was done we went back to the waiting room to wait for our MFM appt. after nearly an hour we met with Dr. K. He was VERY quiet and much more introspective than Dr. A, and though it was hard to hear him at times, I liked him much more. He clearly was not as much in favor of s/r as Dr. A but as we talked about Gabby's history and mine and the risks of triplets you could tell he though s/r was the right thing to do.
I'll have to post later all the risks we were given. I kept asking about the process (not so much how it was done - I already know that- but when and I we should do CVS and follow up after that), and he said "we can probably do the NT scan today and do it now if you want."

We looked at each other and were literally like, "wait, today? Right now?

And he was like, "I am not trying to
rush you into anything. Please take another week or two to think about it and everything..."

And I said, "it's not so much a matter of rushing into things. We don't really have a choice. But to me it's a matter of doing things right. We're only 10w4d how can you do the NT scan? I don't want measurements to be wrong and we reduce the wrong one."

He said he believed since the babies were measuring ahead of schedule he could get a good scan. And L and I quickly talked about it and decided we would rather it be done today than have ANOTHER scan done next week or the week after and have the third baby grow more and see them moving etc. They already look like babies of course, but even another two weeks will look even more so.

So he did some calling to the sonographer, radiologist and pharmacy for the drug that is used and then he and Gabby went downstairs to do the NT scans. We did not go, but remained holed up in the office, me crying and L holding onto me. Dr. K promised me that if he could not get a good scan he would tell me and we would wait another week or two but if he got a good enough scan he would do the s/r.

I asked him how it was done. I always thought it was the baby closest to the cervix, but he says no, it's the one farthest away that they can get to easiest. All I had in my head was that baby on the upper right kicking his feet over and over.

I prayed (I'm so not religious it probably did nothing) and begged God for forgiveness and said how sorry I was.

It took a little while and I figured they were doing it because if they hadn't been able to get measurements they would have returned. Finally Dr. K came back and said it was done and I had to ask which one. Why? I don't know, I don't think most people would want to know, but I want to know because it was my baby. I want to mourn the right one, I guess? I don't want it to be just brushed away, already it's nameless and gender less to me, it needs to be remembered in some way and the only thing I will ever know about this baby is which one it was in the u/s pictures.

It took the doctor a moment to think, because it wasn't the one on the bottom, since that was closest to the cervix. The one not really moving on the left and the one kicking up a storm on the right we're basically the same size, but the quiet one, measured with a slightly thicker NT so they made the decision based on that. All of them were normal NTs he thought but since a decision had to be made he went with the thickest.

That was the one we saw the least of because it was so quiet and didn't show a personality like the others so I was glad (as "glad" as one can be of course) it was that one since I didn't see much of it. Baby Kickball has already seared himself into my consciousness and I think it would have haunted me more if it had been him. I mentioned it to the doctor adn he recognized Baby Kickball and said he was still jumping around and the third one was still quiet. It makes me feel better because I think of my third baby as going in his/her sleep which isn't a bad way to go. I know...whatever I can tell myself to make me feel better...

So now there are two. Baby Kickball and Baby Boxer. I really hope they make it.

Third baby died today so that his/her siblings would have a better life.

If you are so inclined that way, please say a prayer for my third baby to wait for me in heaven where I will hopefully go one day so I can apologize and hold him forever in my arms. Please God, take care of him, even if you hate me.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Some relief but yes I'm crazy

Thank God for Gabby today. I woke up just feeling very unsure, very upset (for no discernible reasons but those I've already told you about previously) and I just kept working myself up through the morning.

I have a very wild imagination. And by 10am, I had created a story in my head that Gabby had been trying to use the doppler every night for the last few nights and couldn't find any heartbeats and just didn't want to tell me.

Never mind that I don't want Gabby to use that damn doppler. Never mind that she was away this weekend at the Cape with her family and um, she probably isn't carting that cheap piece of machinery every where with her. I completely convinced myself of this.

So I finally broke down and emailed her (even though I had texted with her just yesterday and she told me she was feeling symptoms!!!) and asked her if she used the doppler recently.

And then I waited for a response. And waited and waited. She usually emails me back quite quickly, but not today. And then I started worrying that I had bothered and and she was annoyed. Or that she HAD used the doppler and was afraid to tell me she couldn't find anything. Or... oh my God, I'm completely nuts!!

Never mind that she was working today and has a busy, on her feet type of job. Never mind that it was really only a few minutes, then hours. Oh no, I had conjured up visions that she had bleeding and had gone to the hospital to check things out, or had called up the doctor worried or...


She finally (omg 5.5 hours later! the nerve! I'm just kidding) emailed me back and told me that she still feels totally pregnant (yes she said the same thing yesterday) and that she's still "popping out." That she hadn't played with the doppler again but she would try for me. That she hadn't done so because she's been so exhausted in the evening. That she was really nauseous yesterday and today. That promised to tell me if she stopped feeling pregnant or had cramping, bleeding or anything else that seemed abnormal. And kindest of all, that I wasn't driving her insane, far from it (I may have apologized for being a PITA in my email).

Wow, the relief that came over me was palpable! All of a sudden I felt so much better. I felt like I could make it to Thursday now.  I told her not to do the doppler because if she couldn't find a heartbeat I'd freak out and I thanked her immensely.

The rest of the day was so much better.

And then tonight, I got a text from her that she had found heartbeats in 3 different places. No numbers (THANK GOD!) and I know she could have heard the same heartbeat 3 times but I feel like there must be at least one still there! She said she even hooked it up to speakers and could hear it!

So I feel like I can breathe now (at least for another couple of days) and will sleep tonight. Thank goodness for her treating me gently and being patient and nice, because I was very fragile earlier. And I don't really know why I am this way, but I really am ridiculous and I know it. I can't change anything that happens so why do I do this to myself?

Definitely because I'm crazy.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Tough Week

This week is very tough for me. I am so scared about Thursday. Gabby texted me a funny picture today (she apparently had her first "craving" and it involved Hohos and Spicy Ketchup Potato Chips - ick) and I took the opportunity to ask how she's feeling. She says still the same, feeling more nauseous and still hungry and tired and her boobs are finally sensitive. These are all good things, I know, but I can't deal. This (except for the s/r part which I am trying to put out of my mind) has all gone so easily. That's not my life. Things are always so hard for me. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I can't believe the U/S isn't until Thursday. I'm almost in tears tonight about it and I still have another 2 days to go!

I read this poem on the Resolve boards today. I love it.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Care Package

The countdown to our third ultrasound on Thursday is on and I'm starting to get extra nervous again. I hate this. I am praying that we don't have zero heartbeats and also sort of hoping there aren't three either, ugh. We will be having a too-lengthy discussion with the MFM doctor who will be doing the S/R in a few weeks if there are still three.

In the meantime, I have been keeping myself busy by buying things. Of course, I'm not buying any baby stuff. I've found two books on Amazon for little kids about gestational surrogacy! The first one I bought came on Friday and I love it. I'm going to give it to Gabby to read to her kids.

The story and the illustrations are absolutely adorable. I almost teared up reading it.

I also decided to put together a care package for Gabby. Since she's always starving, I basically bought out Trader Joe's last night with all sorts of healthy snacks for her to eat. And some chocolate. If she had been craving something, I would have bought that, but so far, she says she's just eating everything in sight.

I bought trail mix, peanut butter-filled pretzels, dried fruit, luna bars, lollipops, ginger candies, and Toblerone. I totally grabbed that Toblerone like Ross did in Friends, it was hilarious. Everyone needs a Toblerone!

Anyway, hope she likes it! I'll put the two books in there as well. Now let's just hope there is good news on Thursday.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

9 Week Bump Pic and a Social Worker Call

Gabby sent me a 9 week (ok 9.5 week) baby bump picture last night.

Well, I definitely see a bump! Haha, I think she has a PIO needle in her hand in that pic. We're actually on a 8 day countdown till the end of progesterone! They told her August 10th is the last day. That will probably feel pretty great to her.

The social worker we both saw as one of the prerequisites to starting the gestational carrier cycle called me again today. I don't know if I mentioned last week that after the u/s I was so upset I wanted the SW to call me. That's what she's there for, and I figured I need to talk to someone. We do see an infertility counselor locally, or rather a counselor we see to talk about infertility, but she actually doesn't know anything about infertility. No one in this area does. I was a mess on the phone with the SW last week and she said she'd call me this week to check in.

The call was pretty brief, I was much less emotional this time than last time (though I got more emotional just by talking to her). I guess I've just accepted the way things are going to be and that we don't really have a choice. I've been also "talking" to some other people on the Resolve boards who are in the midst of surrogacy or have done it themselves and they have been extremely helpful in their responses as well. I may only have a lot of online support, but I appreciate all of you and everyone who reaches out - it really helps a lot.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

On Fetal Dopplers and stuff

Got an email from Gabby this morning and I have decided having to juggle this "new" kind of relationship is just exhausting. I feel like I'm responsible for so many more people's feelings due to surrogacy and it's hard since my own feelings are very emotional right now.

I feel bad, because she was excited over something she did - buy a used fetal doppler off of Craigslist. To be 100% honest, she had mentioned it way back, like literally when we found out she was pregnant or even before, and at the time I was like, "Oh God, that would scare me too much because what if you couldn't find it?" and then I had a weak moment a few weeks back (after the first u/s but before the second) where I wrote her saying, "Man, I wish we had a doppler because I'm so scared there are zero hearbeats now!"  But overall, I don't think it's a good idea.

So I got this email.

Okay so I’m crazy and got one of those fetal dopplers for $15 off craigslist.  Most of what I read was that you can’t hear the heartbeat until about 12 weeks.  I’ve tried it a few times and have only heard my own bloodflow which is obvious b/c it’s like 60 beats/minute.  Anyway, last night I went up to bed early and decided to try it again.  I definitely heard one heartbeat, it was around 130 and it was totally different from the swoosh of my own blood flow that I had heard up until then!!  I listened for like 15 seconds and then when I moved I lost it and couldn’t find it again.  The Doppler I have is pretty cheap and doesn’t have a separate “wand” so it’s not super easy to maneuver, but even still I was able to get a heartbeat for about 15 seconds!  : Just wanted you to know that I’m still very pregnant!  :)  Happy hump day!!

Now, I KNOW she was all excited and trying to get me all excited, but ugh, it was the opposite.

First off, there should be 3 heartbeats right now, not 1. But I can tell myself she didn't really look that hard and just for the first one. Fine. (And anyway, as you know, I would be ok if there were just two :( )

Second of all, yesterday was 9w2d. The babies' HBs were between 173-182 last week. There is no way any of them should be 130. That would not be a good sign.

Since I've been at this for so long, I'm a walking encyclopedia when it comes to this stuff. I doubt Gabby knows it, but babies HB's start off very slow (can be below 100 before 6 weeks, but should be above 100 after 6 weeks). Then it increases about 3.3 beats PER DAY until it peaks at around 9 weeks. That was what was so crazy about the difference between 6w2d and 8w2d with the babies' heartbeats - At 6 weeks - they ranged from 115-122! After 9 weeks it can fall slightly, 150-170bpm, but 130 would be VERY low. After 12 weeks It can range from 120-150 (160 would be considered high, but still ok) so it wouldn't be as worrisome.

So what was supposed to be a cheery email made me anxious instead. I wish she would have just said she found a HB without any numbers. Numbers obviously put me into overdrive! And there's no u/s again until NEXT Thursday.

But how could I tell her, "Thanks but no thanks. Can you just keep that info to yourself from now on?" Ugh, so I have to manage that and stroke her ego a bit (I do think it's strange that she wanted a doppler so much, considering she's fine with s/r of one of those babies) , while managing my own freaking out.

No wonder why I'm exhausted.