Thursday, August 9, 2012

10w4d Ultrasound

We're on our way back from the hospital and I'm writing this on my phone. It's a 3+ hour drive back home and we've just been sitting in traffic for 2 hours, and we're only halfway home.

Our appt. was at 9:30am this time rather than 8:30 like last time so we got to sleep in till 4:30am. That hour makes a huge difference!

Once again we met up in Au Bon Pain and ate (well L and Gabby did, I was again too nervous to eat before the u/s. Gabby definitely has a noticeable bump! Small but so cute. I was thinking, but those are mine!

This time we were in MFM rather than general u/s and the detail of the u/s seemed to be a lot better. I didn't leave the room this time though I was plenty nervous and the sonographer helped me out by finding the babies and their heartbeats very quickly. How could she miss them? They were huge! Ok, so they're only the size of a prune this week I think (??) but on screen they looked so big and developed compared to 8w2d!

All 3 heartbeats were there, of course. I asked a bunch of times and they wouldn't tell me how fast they were. The sonographer said at this stage, they don't measure them anymore because it's meaningless. (???) super close work friend said in her pregnancy she only got HBs when they did dopplers, not ultrasounds. I don't get it but our sonographer said they can tell by looking whether the heartbeat is ok or not and only if there was a concern would they measure it.

Two of the babies were measuring 10w6d and one was 11w1d! They clearly are doing great. Gabby said "I agree with you, I don't think your eggs were the issue." thank you!

2 of the babies were squiggling around in there, it was adorable to watch. One kept using both feet to push out of the dip he was in and then would "fall" back in. Then he'd do it again and again. Another one was below the other two and just kept kicking one foot randomly and shaking a fist. The third one in the upper left corner was not moving (maybe sleeping). He was just burrowing.

When it was done we went back to the waiting room to wait for our MFM appt. after nearly an hour we met with Dr. K. He was VERY quiet and much more introspective than Dr. A, and though it was hard to hear him at times, I liked him much more. He clearly was not as much in favor of s/r as Dr. A but as we talked about Gabby's history and mine and the risks of triplets you could tell he though s/r was the right thing to do.
I'll have to post later all the risks we were given. I kept asking about the process (not so much how it was done - I already know that- but when and I we should do CVS and follow up after that), and he said "we can probably do the NT scan today and do it now if you want."

We looked at each other and were literally like, "wait, today? Right now?

And he was like, "I am not trying to
rush you into anything. Please take another week or two to think about it and everything..."

And I said, "it's not so much a matter of rushing into things. We don't really have a choice. But to me it's a matter of doing things right. We're only 10w4d how can you do the NT scan? I don't want measurements to be wrong and we reduce the wrong one."

He said he believed since the babies were measuring ahead of schedule he could get a good scan. And L and I quickly talked about it and decided we would rather it be done today than have ANOTHER scan done next week or the week after and have the third baby grow more and see them moving etc. They already look like babies of course, but even another two weeks will look even more so.

So he did some calling to the sonographer, radiologist and pharmacy for the drug that is used and then he and Gabby went downstairs to do the NT scans. We did not go, but remained holed up in the office, me crying and L holding onto me. Dr. K promised me that if he could not get a good scan he would tell me and we would wait another week or two but if he got a good enough scan he would do the s/r.

I asked him how it was done. I always thought it was the baby closest to the cervix, but he says no, it's the one farthest away that they can get to easiest. All I had in my head was that baby on the upper right kicking his feet over and over.

I prayed (I'm so not religious it probably did nothing) and begged God for forgiveness and said how sorry I was.

It took a little while and I figured they were doing it because if they hadn't been able to get measurements they would have returned. Finally Dr. K came back and said it was done and I had to ask which one. Why? I don't know, I don't think most people would want to know, but I want to know because it was my baby. I want to mourn the right one, I guess? I don't want it to be just brushed away, already it's nameless and gender less to me, it needs to be remembered in some way and the only thing I will ever know about this baby is which one it was in the u/s pictures.

It took the doctor a moment to think, because it wasn't the one on the bottom, since that was closest to the cervix. The one not really moving on the left and the one kicking up a storm on the right we're basically the same size, but the quiet one, measured with a slightly thicker NT so they made the decision based on that. All of them were normal NTs he thought but since a decision had to be made he went with the thickest.

That was the one we saw the least of because it was so quiet and didn't show a personality like the others so I was glad (as "glad" as one can be of course) it was that one since I didn't see much of it. Baby Kickball has already seared himself into my consciousness and I think it would have haunted me more if it had been him. I mentioned it to the doctor adn he recognized Baby Kickball and said he was still jumping around and the third one was still quiet. It makes me feel better because I think of my third baby as going in his/her sleep which isn't a bad way to go. I know...whatever I can tell myself to make me feel better...

So now there are two. Baby Kickball and Baby Boxer. I really hope they make it.

Third baby died today so that his/her siblings would have a better life.

If you are so inclined that way, please say a prayer for my third baby to wait for me in heaven where I will hopefully go one day so I can apologize and hold him forever in my arms. Please God, take care of him, even if you hate me.

46 comments:

  1. *hugs* Definitely saying a prayer for you and your baby today. Thinking of you.

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  2. oh, how you must feel right now! I'm glad for your sake the appt took the course it did. Now you won't need to agonize any longer over the impending decision. With three under her belt, I'm guessing Gabby will do just fine carrying your twins full-term. After all you've been through to get your babies, I hope the rest of this road goes smoothly for you. You deserve some peace.

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  3. I just want to hug you right now. You are so unbelievably strong.

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    1. Thank you. And not really. I've been crying ever since.

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  4. when we lost our baby B (identical twin) my husband tried to console me by saying at least she wasn't alone; nobody should die alone. Your third baby was with his/her siblings through the whole process.

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    1. When I read this you have no idea how much this helped me. You are right and I hadn't thought of it and it made me feel so much better.

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  5. What an emotional day, especially when you weren't expecting it to happen so soon. I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye to one of your precious little souls today, and you have to know that you did NOTHING wrong and you have nothing to apologize for (to God or to anyone else). This wasn't your choice or your desire and the proof of that is your broken heart. I'll of course pray for you, your little angel and your other 2 babes as well. Hugs to you.

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  6. I can't even imagine what an emotional day it was. As another commenter said, you have nothing to apologize for. Praying for you, and all of your babies as you go forward.

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  7. Praying for you and everything on your heart right now. I can't imagine your drive home. Lots of prayers for the kickball and the boxer. Grow babies grow!

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  8. (Hugs) Oh honey, I can't imagine how heartbreaking a decision that was for you and your husband to make. I know your baby will be waiting for you in heaven, along with his/her other siblings. I know your baby knew love from the start and will never be alone (hugs). You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. I know your two babies moving forward will now have gaurdian angels watching over them from above, and a mom willing to move heaven and earth to do anything and everything to bring them home. I wish you all the best as always.

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    1. Thank you. You're right, he has siblings in heaven to meet up with him. I like that thought.

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  9. I am so sorry you had to say goodbye to one of your babies today. I am sending good thoughts for you and L and for all of your babies. Many hugs headed your way.

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  10. Just said a quiet prayer for you and your little lost baby. I'm hoping one day you'll get your chance to hold him/her too. I'm so sorry that decision had to be made, though. I'll be thinking of you and all of your babies in the days and weeks ahead.

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  11. Life can be so beautiful and so cruel at the same time. Big congrats on the babies you still have, deepest condolences on the baby you lost today. I hope you can find peace, you deserve it

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  12. (*HUGS*) I am so sorry for the loss of your baby you had to say goodbye to. I can't imagine how hard today had to be for you. I'm so glad that the other two are thriving, and I hope so much that they continue too. You are not an awful person, you did what you had to. Keeping you all in my thoughts.

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  13. I'm so sorry!!! I'm praying for you!!!

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  14. Oh, I'm so, so sorry for you you've been through today. What a tough day, I can't imagine how sad you must be. It's ok to grieve the loss of your child, just like youve done with your previous losses. Sending thoughts and prays your way...

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  15. So sorry this was a decision you had to make. Praying for all of you. God bless Baby 3.

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  16. Goodbye little one. I am so sorry you had to say this yesterday. I can only imagine how bittersweet this must be, to lose one to save the other two. I am thinking of you lots.

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  17. I am sorry. I will pray for you and your babies. I hope you find some peace that it is behind you now, as you were dreading this. Xo

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  18. Oh boy, I shouldn't have read this at work as I'm sitting here bawling at my desk. I'm so, so sorry it came to this, but I love how you put it. #3 passed so the other two would have a better life. I'm so sorry for your loss today :(

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  19. Wow what a truly bittersweet day for you. You lost a very special little soul and now gained two babies that you will hold in your arms one day soon. Sending a big hug and thinking about you.

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  20. I'm so sorry. Praying for your angel baby and for you to find peace.

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  21. Sending prayers for all of you.

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  22. I'm crying for you. So sorry you had to go through this, and I can't even imagine how hard it is.

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  23. tears, tears, and more tears for you. I will be thinking of you and your sweet little bub who is now waiting for you in heaven.

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  24. Duckii - I'm worried... you're so quiet. Please know how sorry I am for your loss. There aren't words. And it's made a bit more painful because it's not like something you can share with the entire world, for support and love. It's hard to be happy, while mourning this loss and please know we are all behind you and supporting you in this 100%. And I have no doubt that all of your little angels in heaven are watching out for the ones that are still here, as well as their mom and dad. Hugs.

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