So Bad...So Good...So Bad

Sorry for the silence on my end. Yes, I've been a mess. I don't even know what happened to my Friday - it's just a blur. I barely did any work - good thing I don't have billable hours or I'd be screwed. L decided we needed to get out so he spent all Friday night looking for a place to go Saturday night. EVERYTHING was booked and our normal kennel for the dog was too, so we ended up splurging on a whirlpool King suite in Burlington, VT and driving out an hour to another kennel to drop the pup off.

I woke up Saturday morning and tried to convince L we didn't need to go, it was a lot of money for one night. But he must have been sick of my crying (ok, that's being mean, I know he was concerned) and insisted on it so we headed off. We got to the hotel and they had given us the wrong room and I just about burst into tears again (have I mentioned how much I love whirlpool/jacuzzi tubs? I'm a bath girl) but they apparently shifted someone who hadn't shown up yet who was getting a free upgrade and gave us the room instead. They also gave us free breakfast for the inconvenience. Score.

The room was amazing, and we jumped in the tub (ahem, yes, 2 person whirlpool tub) right away. I mean, put our bags down, turn on the faucet. There were shutters that opened from the huge bathroom to the rest of the room and the TV pulled out from its normal locations and turned so we could watch the Olympics from the tub, which we did.

It was SO nice. I must have apologized a gazillion times for not wanting to come because it was different and I wasn't fixating on the previous 48 hours anymore but relaxing with my hubby and I just enjoyed it so much.  We took a quick nap after the bath, and then went out for dinner (I tried steak tartare for the first time ever!) and then to an Eastern tea shop where we had Doja (??) rice for dessert. it was so yummy. Afterwards we went to Lake Champlain chocolates and I got two pieces of salted caramel chocolates for later (OMG $1.40 EACH and honestly I didn't love them), L got some maple fudge which was pretty good, and we went back to the room for the night. With the cost of the damn room we needed to take advantage of it. We got back in the tub and continued to watch the Olympics and that's pretty much it.  Then Gabby texted me randomly that she had listened to the heartbeats on the doppler again and had found 2 hbs in the 160s which made me feel much better as well.

The next morning we had the free hotel buffet breakfast which was fantastic and we definitely filled up. It was all free so that made it even better. Then we headed back towards NY, and saw a sign for a ferry. We drove down a few miles and there was a short line of cars taking a small ferry across Lake Champlain back to NY. We decided to take it as well and it was my first trip since I was about 4 on a car ferry! We parked the cars like sardines and then got out and enjoyed the sun and breeze and water for about 25 minutes and we were there. Cut a lot of time off - it was great! We ended up in this tiny little town called Essex, stopped for coconut ice cream and went back home to get the dog.

Short, and yea, too expensive, but we've never done something like that before. It was just what we needed.

Cut to today when I get an email from Gabby saying she had bleeding this morning, had emailed that MFM doctor I really liked, and he was getting her in to an u/s in an hour. Fucking great. Immediately I just crumpled. If we have a m/c after the s/r I seriously think I might die. I cannot take anymore.

She told me after the bleeding (which she was weird about, she said she thought it was bleeding but wasn't sure. How do you not know??? I hate this not being me instead) she went back and got the doppler and there were still two heartbeats, which reassured me significantly, and of course I got on the computer and Dr. Google told me that bleeding can happen after s/r (and Gabby said she had no cramping), but then the MFM had told her that bleeding wasn't normal. WTF?

She finally got in for the u/s and she told me they said everything looked normal, but they couldn't tell where the bleeding was coming from, which of course, makes me immediately nervous. Both babies were measuring on time, (of course last Thursday they were measuring 2 days ahead so is that something to worry about or did they just not measure that well?), heartbeats in the 170s (they actually measured this time), no subchorionic hematomas or anything, fluid levels looked fine. So they sent her on her way to just take it easy.

So what was the bleeding? Fluid from the third sac? If I had been there I would have asked them to look and see if it was still intact or if that could be it, but I didn't hear anything about it, nor did they mention it. She's not having any more bleeding beyond a little residual bit, so that's good. I mean, in a way, it's good because I think I can blame it on s/r (as opposed to having nothing done and random bleeding) but of course, what if the s/r sets an m/c off?

So today was a total blur as well. I really need to get work done tomorrow. But I'm just a mess, again. I just need it to be 20 weeks already so I can start to relax and be happy. I just want to be happy. I feel like I'm never going to be a parent. This is all going to cruelly be ripped from me again.

Tomorrow is 11w2d, which is the day in my last pregnancy when we went in for the NT scan so happy thinking we were basically "out of the woods" and there was no HB left. Thank God Gabby still has an appointment on Thursday, which will be 11w4d so I get another update this week, and then that will officially be the longest my babies have ever made it. Please let this happen. Please let this work.