Thank God for Gabby today. I woke up just feeling very unsure, very upset (for no discernible reasons but those I've already told you about previously) and I just kept working myself up through the morning.
I have a very wild imagination. And by 10am, I had created a story in my head that Gabby had been trying to use the doppler every night for the last few nights and couldn't find any heartbeats and just didn't want to tell me.
Never mind that I don't want Gabby to use that damn doppler. Never mind that she was away this weekend at the Cape with her family and um, she probably isn't carting that cheap piece of machinery every where with her. I completely convinced myself of this.
So I finally broke down and emailed her (even though I had texted with her just yesterday and she told me she was feeling symptoms!!!) and asked her if she used the doppler recently.
And then I waited for a response. And waited and waited. She usually emails me back quite quickly, but not today. And then I started worrying that I had bothered and and she was annoyed. Or that she HAD used the doppler and was afraid to tell me she couldn't find anything. Or... oh my God, I'm completely nuts!!
Never mind that she was working today and has a busy, on her feet type of job. Never mind that it was really only a few minutes, then hours. Oh no, I had conjured up visions that she had bleeding and had gone to the hospital to check things out, or had called up the doctor worried or...
I AM CERTIFIABLE.
She finally (omg 5.5 hours later! the nerve! I'm just kidding) emailed me back and told me that she still feels totally pregnant (yes she said the same thing yesterday) and that she's still "popping out." That she hadn't played with the doppler again but she would try for me. That she hadn't done so because she's been so exhausted in the evening. That she was really nauseous yesterday and today. That promised to tell me if she stopped feeling pregnant or had cramping, bleeding or anything else that seemed abnormal. And kindest of all, that I wasn't driving her insane, far from it (I may have apologized for being a PITA in my email).
Wow, the relief that came over me was palpable! All of a sudden I felt so much better. I felt like I could make it to Thursday now. I told her not to do the doppler because if she couldn't find a heartbeat I'd freak out and I thanked her immensely.
The rest of the day was so much better.
And then tonight, I got a text from her that she had found heartbeats in 3 different places. No numbers (THANK GOD!) and I know she could have heard the same heartbeat 3 times but I feel like there must be at least one still there! She said she even hooked it up to speakers and could hear it!
So I feel like I can breathe now (at least for another couple of days) and will sleep tonight. Thank goodness for her treating me gently and being patient and nice, because I was very fragile earlier. And I don't really know why I am this way, but I really am ridiculous and I know it. I can't change anything that happens so why do I do this to myself?
Definitely because I'm crazy.
You're NOT crazy! I think what you're going through is completely normal, given the situation. I work myself into a frenzy every time I'm pregnant. With my daughter, I was convinced it was an ectopic pregnancy...but it wasn't. I think this is just par for the course and hopefully as the weeks and months pass, it will get easier and you will feel more secure in the fact that this is really happening. It is, it is! Thinking good thoughts for you and hoping for a great u/s this week!
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely NOT crazy! It's easy for any of us to quickly manifest our fears. I'm the same way when DH doesn't answer his phone for a 30 min period and I'm wondering which hospital to call first... haha... :) Just one more day until the u/s! It's so hard when you're not at all in control!
ReplyDeleteSo glad that Gabby was good with you when she replied and that you are feeling better! Only one more day til the U/S...good luck!
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to hear how your babies are doing tomorrow during the ultrasound. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOh my friend, you are so far from crazy! I do all of this stuff and more... to myself! So I can only imagine how nervous I would be all of the time if my babies were being housed away from my 24 hour (psycho, neurotic and obsessive) surveillance! It must be so hard for you! I think you are handling things beautifully, and I'm SO glad Gabby seems to be able to be reassuring when you need it most (albeit not quite fast enough for those like us who will sit and worry every single second until we hear back with news). Hang in there! You are doing so well with this. I prayed so much for your appointment tomorrow when I was on my walk this morning. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're crazy. With things out of your hands like this, it's bound to be scary. To induce panic from time to time even. You don't have the reassurances you would otherwise if you were the one experiencing the symptoms firsthand, or the option of checking the HBs on a whim, or anything like that. Hang in there. I am hoping for good news tomorrow, and holding you in my thoughts (*hugs*)
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about you today and just can't imagine the stress and worry you are under. You aren't crazy, just being a mommy already!!
ReplyDeletein 15 mintues it'll be THURSDAY!!! I can't wait for the u/s!
ReplyDeleteIt's completely normal to feel the way you're feeling. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you. I want to also add this but I don't want it to come out wrong - maybe it's a good thing Gabby is so relaxed and casual. You're the mamma, you can do all the worrying for everyone while she just coasts the rest of the time. I hope that makes sense. Hang in there.
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