Beta is tomorrow

And I haven't POAS since Tuesday, which was 6dp5dt. That's because it was stark-freaking-white that day, which means I completely broke down and decided not to even go to work. I just couldn't handle it.

So I decided no more peeing on sticks before tomorrow's beta because I couldn't take the chance that would happen again. Not that I think tomorrows beta is going to be positive or anything. But why bring up that moment of misery any sooner by POAS today and seeing it white and crying every hour between now and then? I mean, I'm definitely going to cry tomorrow when it's negative anyway, so it's not like there's any benefit to knowing FOR SURE today.

I just don't understand it. I don't get it at all. I had 2 implant from a really shitty cycle in March, and now nothing from this cycle which was pretty good (as far as my E2 not crashing anyway)?? Why did so many blasts die between fertilization and day 5? Does that mean anything and if so, what should we get tested?

I don't feel any symptoms, unfortunately...boobs are not sore, stomach isn't bothering me much. I know it didn't work, but I think I'm not testing because it gives me the smallest bit of hope - that I'm still PUPO until tomorrow. Because I never will be PUPO again. Cuz there is no further IVF for me...at least where the blasts won't be put into a surrogate, if we ever get there.

3 IVF cycles, 3 IUI cycles, countless clomid/other drugs cycles,and of course, plenty of timed intercourse...no babies to show for it. Nothing "technically" wrong with me to prove why I can't carry babies, nothing wrong with L - we are completely unexplained.

And childless.

This month officially marks 3 years of real trying.

Willpower

For the first time ever, I bought ONE box of HPTs and didn't proceed to take them in consecutive days.

I now don't really want to take one (I was planning on taking one tomorrow morning, and a digital Friday morning, as beta is Saturday, so that I'm prepared for the news), because I just don't want to see that stark whiteness.

Yesterday's HPT was still blaringly white. 5dpdt. I got my last positive on 4dp5dt last time. True, it was twins, but I feel like I would see even the faintest of lines.

Of course, sitting here a 6dp5dt today, I can honestly tell myself that just perhaps it was too early at the equivalent of 10dpo, especially if only one of the two frozen embies made it. I can feel bad, but not too bad, not yet.

But tomorrow, when it's white, I will have to face the fact that it most likely didn't work. And that the last two months of injections were all for nought.

L made a huge mistake the other day, a rookie mistake, I call it. We own a condo and he was outside puttering on the deck when he calls over and says "does it smell like someone's smoking?" (he hates cigarette smoke, loves cigars) I mindless call to him, "it's probably our neigbor down below" (because the young couple always has parties and hangs out down there). He came in all haughty and said, "He better not be since his wife is pregnant."

It was total news to me. We've already made comments back and forth to each other about these new neighbors, so much younger than us it feels like, with about 4 different really nice cars (including a hummer), money to burn in totally fixing up their condo (the trucks bearing names for tile work, renovations, etc. have been lined up outside for months). Now on top of all that, she's also pregnant?

I just didn't need to find out that way. It's like some people live these golden lives, and then others, like me, get shit on constantly.

I had AF type cramps yesterday, and if it comes early I will be so so pissed. AF cramps at 10dpo seems too late for implantation and too early for AF (unless it comes early) so I am stumped. Other than that, and mind numbing exhaustion (I don't think progesterone suppositories have ever affected me as much as they have this time)...and that's it. I keep trying to convince myself that my boobs are sore (I'm squeezing and pawing at them so much I'm probably making them sore in trying to find out) but I think it's all in my head.

The only thing that's keeping me in hope that AF is not coming today or tomorrow is because my weight was down again this morning. Yay!! I've been doing Jenny Craig for the last month, and as of today am officially down 10 lbs, which is 4 lbs less than when I had my BFP in April. Usually I gain around 5lbs just for AF. And at least when this cycle is over, I will not have added even more weight (which is what has been going on the last few years) and feeling down about that as well.

I'm cranky and bitchy today. Ugh.

Positives

I have positives. Positives that are getting darker. (I want to share pictures, but they are huge and ruin my whole blog design).

I have sore boobs.

I'm either coming down with something (totally possible since my coworker, whom I share an office with, was out last week sick one day) or I have morning sickness, because I'm having trouble with certain smells and feel sick at times. (I'm leaning towards being sick because I don't think morning sickness happens that quickly.

I have had very little cramping. I don't know why, when I have HPTs that are +. It worries me.

I am ecstatically happy, yet very very nervous. I've had two chemicals and 1 M/C. I still have SO far to go. But today I am pregnant. Yesterday I was pregnant. If nothing else, I had this whole weekend pregnant - and I enjoyed every second of it.

Beta is not till Weds. Man, you hear about not wanting to POAS because you might not get a positive because it's too early, but now I feel like there's forever to go before beta. Will I make it to beta? Will my beta be any good? Will I make it to a first U/S? I've never gotten past 6 weeks before. Is this my time?