Beta is tomorrow

And I haven't POAS since Tuesday, which was 6dp5dt. That's because it was stark-freaking-white that day, which means I completely broke down and decided not to even go to work. I just couldn't handle it.

So I decided no more peeing on sticks before tomorrow's beta because I couldn't take the chance that would happen again. Not that I think tomorrows beta is going to be positive or anything. But why bring up that moment of misery any sooner by POAS today and seeing it white and crying every hour between now and then? I mean, I'm definitely going to cry tomorrow when it's negative anyway, so it's not like there's any benefit to knowing FOR SURE today.

I just don't understand it. I don't get it at all. I had 2 implant from a really shitty cycle in March, and now nothing from this cycle which was pretty good (as far as my E2 not crashing anyway)?? Why did so many blasts die between fertilization and day 5? Does that mean anything and if so, what should we get tested?

I don't feel any symptoms, unfortunately...boobs are not sore, stomach isn't bothering me much. I know it didn't work, but I think I'm not testing because it gives me the smallest bit of hope - that I'm still PUPO until tomorrow. Because I never will be PUPO again. Cuz there is no further IVF for me...at least where the blasts won't be put into a surrogate, if we ever get there.

3 IVF cycles, 3 IUI cycles, countless clomid/other drugs cycles,and of course, plenty of timed intercourse...no babies to show for it. Nothing "technically" wrong with me to prove why I can't carry babies, nothing wrong with L - we are completely unexplained.

And childless.

This month officially marks 3 years of real trying.