Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Longest post ever?

This week I'm doing much better than last week, in which I was pretty much a wreck. My mom came home from the hospital yesterday and is doing as well as can be expected so that is good.

I'll admit, it occurred to me last week that if I had been pregnant, I don't know what would have happened with my mom going in for surgery on Tuesday and me giving birth on Weds. Part of me wonders if that was all in God's plan, and then the other part of me thinks God has given up on me and that's a silly thing to even ponder.

So...an update. You know there will be months and months of nothing going on and then all of a sudden a bunch of things happen on one day? Yea, today feels like that. After being in a bah humbug spirit most of this season, I finally got Christmas cards printed out at CVS (express pick up last night) and I will be mailing them out tomorrow. I guess they should reach everyone by Christmas Eve so I won't be on the naughty list. we've gotten Christmas cards from everyone and all along I've been like, "Ugh, I don't want to do them!" But we took some really cute pictures of my dog last night all wrapped up in ribbon (really it bordered on animal abuse, lol. We made her lie down as I wrapped ribbon all over her body to make it look like she got into it "by accident" and then made funny noises so she would cock her head to one side so we could get the cutest picture. i'll have to post it later. She was covered in sparkles from the ribbon by the time we were done.)

We're moving ahead with surrogacy, as we continue with adoption. Or rather, we've been trying to move ahead with surrogacy. We hashed it all out with my inlaws a couple months ago and we started looking at profiles with one agency. Originally, we got two profiles to look at. One I didn't like at all. I thought I would be pretty open minded about surrogates (as long as they were healthy, didn't do drugs, etc.) but boy did I turn out to be pretty judgmental!

S#1 was about 28, had had one kid only about 5 months before she signed up to be a surrogate but the baby was 10 mos. old by the time we saw her profile). I thought it was odd that she wanted to be a surrogate so soon after having her own baby, but hey maybe she loved being pregnant. She said she didn't take any medications, but had asthma, which I found a little ingenuine. L has mild asthma but still takes an inhaler occasionally and when we filled out our own profile we made sure to write it down.

Here's where the judgmental part really comes in: they are a deeply religious family, apparently. And S#1 refuses to be a surrogate for a homosexual couple. It is fine if it's a single heterosexual woman or man she is carrying for, but a committed homosexual couple is apparently not ok. That really really annoyed me. I'm not homosexual so it doesn't affect us in the least, but the S#1 wrote that she really wanted to be a surrogate to give a loving couple what they wanted most, a child (and I snarkily thought, unless their homosexual, then I guess you don't care). Oh yea, judgy mcjudgerson, that's me. She said that her church wouldn't approve of her carrying for a homosexual and that's why she wouldn't do it.

She also said she wouldn't terminate a pregnancy for any reason. We don't want to terminate for any reason other than no quality of life (i.e. baby couldn't live on its own outside the womb), but get this. She had an abortion in 2004. Was her church ok with that? See the weird thing is that I am very pro-choice. I don't believe in abortion for myself, but I don't believe I have the right to tell others what to do with their body (I certainly don't want anyone telling me what I should do with mine!). So you would think it wouldn't bother me, but it did. BIG TIME. Maybe because she claimed to be so religious. Now, I recognize she could have "found God" after that, but she wrote that she had been religious ever since she was a child.

the other thing that didn't sit well with me in my Judgy Chair was that she had a boob job in 2009. Why am I so judgy about that? I don't know. I think her profile came across as someone who really only wanted to do surrogacy for the money (which lets admit it, that's really the reason why women would do surrogacy for the most part), but combined with her religious beliefs and stuff, maybe she shouldn't have spent money on a boob job then.

Ok, ugh, I know. I never would have guessed in a million years I would have been so judgmental.

S#2 we really loved. My age, has 3 kids, is done with having kids (her youngest is 17 months (closer to 20 mos. now) is a PEDIATRIC NURSE (how awesome is that?). Would carry for anyone, homosexual or not. No meds, very into exercise. And awesomely, gives birth at the hospital I was planning on giving birth at in Boston. How perfect is that? She needed to schedule being induced for her last two kids because she gives birth SO QUICKLY. What an awesome "problem" to have! She is only willing to terminate when there is no quality of life (i.e. not for down syndrome or anything that still has quality of life- which is totally what we want too). Just we match up so well together. We had expressed our interest in her and she looked at our profile and said she was interested, but had a vacation and couldn't do a transfer until April. We were willing to wait until then because we liked her so much (and at this point, geez, it doesn't even matter that much when). Then a week later, the agency came back to us and said she now had ANOTHER vacation and couldn't do it until July.

To us, it sounded like she got cold feet (she's a first time surrogate) because we picked her literally just a few weeks after she applied. So we were disappointed but didn't want someone who was flaky anyway.

So last week we got sent S#3's profile. She was an experienced surrogate - had twins for another couple a few years back - so she's charging $10K more than the other's rates. Geez. But we looked at her anyway. She had two issues: no termination no matter what (even no quality of life), and while she was willing to travel for doctor appts., she wanted to give birth at her local hospital. We were willing to compromise on the first, but given my heart condition, there's a small percentage a baby of ours could have one as well so we wanted her to give birth at a big hospital. We asked if she would compromise - if there was a known issue before birth, she would go to the big hospital, but if there was no issues known we would go to her local hospital.

I thought it was a good compromise, but apparently she didn't, because she flat out said no. I guess we're not a good fit for each other.

So I was just about to give up until January when we got an email from our surrogate agency yesterday saying S#2's vacation was cancelled and she was wondering if we were still interested. (It would be back to transferring in April, which we were originally fine with). Yes! We want to get her locked in before she changes her mind again though (if that's what happened before, which I don't know for sure)...I think once she signs a contract, everything will be fine. We told the agency yes and today got an email saying she and her husband were so excited and want to have a call with us next week. So we will see how that goes - and all of a sudden that seems to be moving. But once that phone call takes place, money will start changing hands so we need to be careful.

AND THEN...
I call up the adoption agency today because it's been yet another month and we still haven't seen our homestudy. Of course, when I call I am told, we just mailed it to you on Friday, so you should have it today! (of course, on the DAY I call). Then I am also told that just yesterday they sent out our profile to someone (I'm not sure who, my mind was going crazy) ...there was a baby born a few weeks ago...it was early- a preemie, but no health issues and is doing great. I didn't even ask what gender! I think it was a referral from another agency because she said time was limited so they sent over our profile without asking us and she was about to call and let us know) and they haven't heard back yet. But she will let us know what the outcome is.

Holy cow. How awesome would that be. Adopt this month/early next AND have another baby around next January? That would just be too perfect.

I don't know how many profiles were sent over. Or the details. I didn't really want to ask because I didn't want to get my hopes up. You know, the more details, the more you start imagining. This is only our first profiling, I'm sure it won't work out. But holy cow!!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

12/14/11

"The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" -- Laura Bush

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

In case you were wondering...

Sorry if I left you hanging about beta. It was a BFN.

My mom is having emergency heart surgery today.

My twin's birthday should have been tomorrow.

It's a crummy week.

L and I are talking about driving to FL for New Years...just because we can. And to get out of this hellish rut we are in.

That's all.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Beta is tomorrow

And I haven't POAS since Tuesday, which was 6dp5dt. That's because it was stark-freaking-white that day, which means I completely broke down and decided not to even go to work. I just couldn't handle it.

So I decided no more peeing on sticks before tomorrow's beta because I couldn't take the chance that would happen again. Not that I think tomorrows beta is going to be positive or anything. But why bring up that moment of misery any sooner by POAS today and seeing it white and crying every hour between now and then? I mean, I'm definitely going to cry tomorrow when it's negative anyway, so it's not like there's any benefit to knowing FOR SURE today.

I just don't understand it. I don't get it at all. I had 2 implant from a really shitty cycle in March, and now nothing from this cycle which was pretty good (as far as my E2 not crashing anyway)?? Why did so many blasts die between fertilization and day 5? Does that mean anything and if so, what should we get tested?

I don't feel any symptoms, unfortunately...boobs are not sore, stomach isn't bothering me much. I know it didn't work, but I think I'm not testing because it gives me the smallest bit of hope - that I'm still PUPO until tomorrow. Because I never will be PUPO again. Cuz there is no further IVF for me...at least where the blasts won't be put into a surrogate, if we ever get there.

3 IVF cycles, 3 IUI cycles, countless clomid/other drugs cycles,and of course, plenty of timed intercourse...no babies to show for it. Nothing "technically" wrong with me to prove why I can't carry babies, nothing wrong with L - we are completely unexplained.

And childless.

This month officially marks 3 years of real trying.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

4dp5dt

Yea, I POAS today. Silly and stupid, but as I got my BFP on 4dp5dt last time I was really hoping.

Then again, it was with twins, so that makes sense. And I really only had 1 "good" embryo this time, even though we put back two...so the chances of twins is less.

I continue to feel better. Now I don't want to - now I want to feel a little bit of OHSS again because that's a signal of pregnancy, that you have HCG in your system which is causing the reappearance of OHSS. But nope...not yet anyway. It's still early, I know.

Not really feeling much in the way of symptoms. Slightly bloated, but nothing bad. Certainly not as bloated as I was feeling earlier in the week or even in the 2ww after my last fresh IVF cycle. My boobs are *occasionally* tender, but not that much. I am having some heartburn, but I don't remember that until a few weeks after I was pregnant last time, certainly not this early.

My due date (or what would have been my due date) with the twins is fast approaching. December 14th. It's gonna be a sucky day.

Liebster Award

Ok, finally feeling so much better than earlier in the week.

Michelle over at Greetings from Nowhere, NM (I LOVE that name BTW) nominated me for the Liebster Award last week. I'm such a stream-of-conscious writer (I put neither much style or cleverness into my posts but certainly all my raw emotion - which is usually why I'm complaining in my posts :) but I'm grateful for the award all the same - thank you Michele!

About the award:
This Award is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. Leibster is German & means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favorite’. The idea of the Leibster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog. (I'm just doing three)
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!


I love small blogs and these are definitely my favorite. Fair warning that E&R and Another Dream are pregnant and giving birth soon! I love that they still comment on my posts even though many times I can't bring myself to comment on their blogs even though I am so so happy for them. They get why.

1. Mommy-in-waiting at Waiting On our Miracle
2. E & R at Dreaming of Babies
3. Another Dream at An Unwanted Path

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Transfer

I have a blog award that I am grateful for and need to post about but will do in a separate post later. I had transfer yesterday and it turns out that only 3 out of 11 embies made it to day 5 and one of those was actually a morula, so I don't even know if it'll make it to freeze. All that drama and all that pain (hyperstim) for almost nothing.

We ended up putting back 2 even though we had talked about putting back only 1 if we had many good ones to choose from. But in the end we only had a 3AA (which looked pretty darn good) and a 2BB which didn't look that good so we just did both.

I'm not having high hopes. I stayed home all day yesterday (different from my first two IVF cycles) and laid in bed because I'm still not feeling great and ended up throwing up later in the day. Man, I cannot get back to normal yet. Today I'm still a little bit better and my cotton mouth is to a more manageable status, though I'm still drinking a ton. I've barely eaten this week which would be a good thing except that I've drank my calories down - all "real" gatorade, Sprite, milkshakes, etc. Any COLD, super cold, liquid has been like gold to me.

So I've got my two embies in me, but I don't feel any connection. I always have before, treated my embies like their my babies already even before a positive pregnancy test. My stomach is still bothering me, I've done nothing all week (at work or at home) and I'm generally just blah. I don't want to have to do another IVF cycle, and it looks like we will if went end up going to the surrogacy route.

I'm not in the Christmas mode this year at all. We were going to go Christmas tree shopping last week until I was so sick I couldn't move and I have a baby shower to attend for my best work friend this Saturday and I kind want to just say f*ck it. I wish L and I could just wisk ourselves off to a caribbean location for christmas and new years and not be forced to think about any baby stuff.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Hyperstimulation?

I want to die. Keel over, kick the bucket, etc.

My E2 only got up to 2100 at its highest. I shouldn't have OHSS, right? So why is this so bad??

This weekend BLEW. I was in bed from 11am Friday when I got home till this morning. Seriously, I didn't even get up to take a shower. So gross. That's how horrible it was.

It's getting SLIGHTLY better every day, but not significantly, not in that way when you say to yourself, "Oh wow, i feel better today." Just in the "I don't want to put a gun to my stomach and pull the trigger, but this still hurts pretty damn bad."

It's my stomach. Not even my uterus, which would make sense, but higher up - like, right below my boobs down to my belly button. My uterus is a bit sore, sure but nothing like my stomach. It's like the worst stomachache ever x 1,000,000. I think I have asciites or whatever that's called. A lot of fluid in my stomach. I actually had it after my first, terrible heart surgery, so I remember the pain (it actually was not THIS bad, believe it or not).

I just caved and called my RE just to make sure. I don't see how it can be OHSS since I didn't have THAT high of E2, but maybe it has to do more with the number of follicles you have, not your E2 number? With 17 maybe that's why?

All I know is that I don't understand how people with actual high E2 manage this. This is effing miserable. I can't do anything. I also am so so thirsty- like cotton mouth thirsty. I did Google enough to keep downing coconut water and gatorade, but STILL. Miserable I tell you.

I have the lowest pain tolerance, I swear. You would think it would be better given all my surgeries and stuff, but nope. Ugh.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Retrieval and Fertilization

Egg retrieval was on Friday. This being a new RE, it was a different experience. L got to be in there with me! That was pretty cool. I fell asleep sitting next to him and he was able to tell me everything that went on when I woke up.

They got 17 eggs. Not bad at all. I admit I thought they'd get some more (how bratty am I?) They kept asking if we were sure we didn't want to do ICSI, over and over again. We had talked about it and decided in advance not to. Our first cycle we did ICSI and only 5 out of 12 fertilized. I ended up with a chemical. Our second cycle (the horrible one where my E2 plummeted from 1300 to 350 right before retrieval) we didn't do ICSI (because they retrieved 18 and only 4 were mature) and 12 ended up fertilizing. Even though there may be no connection it made us less inclined to do ICSI ever again. But this place, like my old place, does ICSI for everyone, even if there's no male factor. I don't get it.

L's sperm is fine, motility, etc...we have no issues, so I don't understand why they push ICSI so much. I did some googling searching and couldn't find anything promoting ICSI unless there's male factor, fertilization problems, etc. So I felt good about not doing ICSI, until they asked me about 5 times if I was sure(guess this means I should never be interrogated by police, right? They'll have convinced me I'm guilty even though I'm innocent in about 5 minutes!) I was sure the first 3...then I started thinking maybe we should do it. L remained adamant in the end so I stuck with him, and I'm glad we did.

11/17 isn't awesome by any means, but I guess it's right on track with the 12/18 from last time. And that ended in my twin boys, so here's to hoping this ends up equally well (well, actually, better, since I miscarried last time).

We're already scheduled for a 5 day transfer on Weds.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Just a Petty Post

My SIL found out TODAY she is pregnant and announced it to everyone tonight. Way to keep that a secret for more than 3 seconds. Not looking forward to Thanksgiving tomorrow when that's all that will be discussed.

She is 4 years younger than me. She got married 2 months before me. She got engaged 2 years before me and because I tried to be nice and not steal her thunder we had an 18 month engagement so they could get married first. I've regretted doing that ever since. We could have started trying that much sooner. Out of all the friends and people who've gotten pregnant in the last 3+ years, I wanted to be pregnant before her. And have my baby. I accomplished the first but never for very long. And now here's another person who just has no problem.

L and I are the oldest in our families so I'm used to being first for everything. I know it sounds bratty. It was hard enough not to be the first to get married in his family (even though I was the first in my family's generation) to be married. I thought for sure, starting 3 years ago that we would be the first to have a baby. Nope.

And she's a teacher. And has it perfectly planned out (she's due in July) for her job. Isn't it great to be her?

Yes this post is petty. I'm just pissed. She announces she's pregnant today and I get to trigger. Awesome.

Trigger tonight

My uterus feels like it's humming. Hmm...

Today's appointment shows that I'm indeed ready to pop (hell if I can never say that while pregnant, I'm going to say it now). They stopped counting at 18 follies, and there are likely more/bigger ones. I do still have that one outlier at 25 that they're going to sacrifice, but the others are all around 18 right now.

My E2 came back today slightly lower than Monday's. Man, am I sensitive to the drugs or what? I was 2109 on Monday and am 2023 today. I asked if I should be concerned with the drop and they said no, it just means it's time to do trigger.

So I'm triggering tonight for a retrieval on Friday morning. Ugh, I'm so uncomfortable and so bloated right now, but I don't feel as sick as I did on Monday. My guess was that it was the big increase (from 160 to over 2100 in a matter of 5 days!) Now that it's leveled out I'm better adjusted.

L and I also applied for a private loan at our local credit union earlier this month, as we need to have a lot of money on hand at a moment's notice if we get an adoption call. We've been playing phone tag with the bank because we don't have any need for the money right now but they finally got ahold of me today and I asked when the latest we could "close" on the loan was. Technically it's 30 days from date of application but I explained that we needed it for adoption and the lady said she'd speak to her manager to see what they could do. She just called me back and said that while they couldn't hold it open for ever, they would check in with me every 2 weeks or so to see how things are going. I'm hopeful that when they get sick of waiting THEN we can close on the loan (instead of having to reapply all over again). Even if that only gets us an additional month before having to close, hey, that's one less month of having to pay interest on a loan we're not even using right now. Yay credit unions - where you're treated like an actual person and they care about your story!

Hoping I'll be able to enjoy T-day tomorrow without feeling like a beached whale :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Okey dokey

Looks like most likely I will do trigger on Weds. followed by ER on Friday. Which sort of sucks because we were going down to visit family for Thanksgiving,so we will have to leave at a decent hour to come back Thursday night.

Today I officially "exploded", I feel. I've felt icky all weekend long. No wonder, my little ovaries have almost doubled in size since we began stims. I have a ton of follicles now...they only measured about 10 but they were so squished together they couldn't measure them properly. My lining is just under 10 and triple right now, and the follicles are measuring mostly between 14 and 18 mm...which a few smaller around 12mm (guessing these won't catch up in time) and 1 outlier at 23mm. The nurse said they would probably just sacrifice the big one since i have so many smaller yet still good sized ones.

And my E2 was out of control - 2100. And L and I made the decision on Friday night to keep the stims at the level the RE recommended (still on 3 Bravelle and 2 menopur) because as L said, I had tripled the previous two days and he was nervous about it doing it again. So even with the recommended dosage I still more than doubled (in 3 days).

Just got a call from the nurse telling me to lower my dosage back down to 2 vials Bravelle and 1 menopur. I asked if they were worried my levels were too high/overstimulation/cancellation and she said no. As long as my levels don't decrease I'm fine with staying at this level of E2. Now all we need is for the follicles to increase.

2100...just imagine - never gotten to that point before! 1300 is where I always maxed out.

Looks like Lupron was never for me.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Woohoo!!!

Yay yay yay!! Appt. this morning with the same bitchy nurse who gave me such attitude two nights ago, but it went well. I was much more pleasant, she asked me straight out if I had raised the Bravelle so it wasn't even uncomfortable when I said yes AND she looked relieved that I had. Didn't tell her we did 4 Bravelle vials on Weds. and only that we did the 3 yesterday.

My follicles still haven't gone much of anywhere, which made me concerned at the time. Now ranging between 10-13 (almost 14). In a way that's great, none are out in front ahead of the others. But sheesh, when will they kick into gear?

My E2 levels? I've been stalking the portal...494!!! Wahoo!!! That is triple what they were on Weds. Very good. I was hoping for at least 400, secretly hoping for 500. Pretty much there. Now I need to be careful, because it still appears that my follicles are not really dispensing the E2 given their size, and that number based on the FSH I'm injecting. At some point (I'm thinking when greater than 15-16mm) the follicles will take over and start producing their own E2 and then I will need to be very careful about the amount I'm injecting.

But as for right now, this is good. I'm SO glad I didn't add merely one menopur like they originally said. I'm not even upset I did that extra vial on Weds. night. While the numbers triple, the follicles haven't "exploded" and started going nuts, far from it. It's so nice to see me actually respond to something!

I'm beginning to see this really isn't rocket science. I feel like i have a good handle on this works, and since they're giving the nurses the ability to make med changes themselves without much info, I don't feel nearly as bad changing my dosage myself. While the nurses may have seen more patients, no one has seen me for 3 cycles except me and L.

So now, I'm back to debating what to do. Things have progressed so well, they will keep me on the 3 Bravelle, 2 Menopur, but I am debating doing 3.5 vials myself (originally I debated going back to 4 if my E2 still sucked (but was at least 300) but I don't think so at this point. I'm basing this on my previous cycles, where i would get to 800 and then never double again. After around 800, I'd go to 1100 then maybe 1300, despite them upping the dosage. So since I've taken an AVERAGE of 3.5 vials of Bravelle over the last two nights, i'm half afraid taking 3 vials for the next three days (I go back on Monday morning) will actually serve as a DECREASE in the dosage.

L and I will talk about it tonight. I almost wish I was going back in 2 days instead of 3 so I would have an earlier idea on if I will take off or act like I usually do. But I'm thinking that my follies will range between 14-16mm on Monday (fingers crossed) and still won't be anywhere near trigger size. I'm aiming for my E2 to be around 1100-1200 on Monday as well.

So, leaning towards the 3.5 instead of the 3 vials, although I might compromise with myself and do 3.5 today and tomorrow and only 3 on Sunday night. We'll see. But at least I'm finally starting to get somewhere! Never thought I'd be saying that with "only" an E2 of 494 on Day 12 of stims!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Self-Medicated

The actual doctor called us this morning. I made L answer the phone because I didn't trust that I could act with courtesy. He apologized for the lack of communication yesterday but insisted that going this slow was fine and he didn't see the need to push up the meds any more.

But I medicated myself last night, with L's help. I just don't believe them. It may work for other people, but this is my 3rd IVF cycle and it is not working for me. So we jacked up the meds on our own last night. Alot. Did the 300 iu of Bravelle (4 vials), up from 2 vials, and added a menopur. Tonight we will go down to 3 vials of Bravelle. But all they had told me to do was add that one menopur.

So tomorrow at my appt. when they ask me about my meds (because they ask what I'm on every time, despite the fact that they know it) I can't lie. I don't want them to think that any growth is due to their stupid dosing.

I guess i just don't see the problem with dosing high for a few days. If it actually was too much, they can always drop my dosage (or I can, since I did it on my own). But honestly, I'm terrified that tomorrow my E2 will STILL be under 300). At that point, I think it's time to shut the whole thing down...

I don't know what they're going to say when I tell them I dosed myself. To be perfectly honest, I'm only going to admit to the 3 I took tonight (the one extra Bravelle vial, instead of 2) and I'm going to blame it on the fact that that stupid nurse I spoke to last evening told me I could take an extra Bravelle if I wanted to. she didn't look anything up, didn't even know what day I was but she said so, so even though it's not in my record to do so, I did it.

FX for tomorrow. Please let me see some growth. Pretty pretty please.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Dose Me

My new RE is more worthless than the first. I can't even imagine that it could be possibly true.

No one called me after my b/w this morning (that I checked on my online portal). I had left a message at 11:30am. I called at 4:10pm and they were CLOSED (WTF?) so I hit the "must talk to someone now" button. I got someone who had no effing clue about what was going on with my cycle and that it was perfectly normal. I'm no newbie at this and I wasn't taking that for answer. That whole "you're just starting so and we don't want you to overstimulate" is what every single person has told me thus far and I'm at 160 - nowhere close to overstimulation!!! I finally told them, "I'm not just starting - I'm on day 11 (actually 10) and I KNOW 160 is not a good number (for comparison, even my crappy cycle last time had me 1300 at this point). At which point the nurse on the phone got silent, and then said to me, "Well you can either continue on with meds, you can add another vial of Bravelle (What is she, making up shit as she goes? She didn't even know what day I was on!) or you can just cancel the cycle."

So fucking helpful. I actually hung up on her I was so pissed. Not professional in the slightest but I'm so beyond that point. I'm so desperate for one single thing in my life to go right. Just one. Why can no one understand that?

So I can either take nothing tonight or I'm just going to self dose myself, since they seem to be making up my dosages left and right now. What say you, experienced IVFers? Today on day 10 of stims my E2 was at 160, my follicles between 10-12, my P4 at 0.3 and my LH at 1.02. I'm on 150 iu of Bravelle and 75iu of Menopur (they did tell me to add another 75iu of Menopur but I know at this point it's not enough to do anything). I'm debating keeping the 150iu of Menopur and adding another 150 of Bravelle, to make it 300 iu Bravelle, 150 Menopur. I need to kick start this and at this point I'm not really concerned about ruining anything since in my opinion this cycle is ruined already.

Any suggestions?

E2

160.

OMG.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

@#$&*(@#$^(@#^$

Sorry guys, I forgot to mention that this cycle is with a new RE. I did end up calling them yesterday after I got my levels and told them in no uncertain terms that this has happened before. They still wanted me to trust them but they also said they can raise the dosage each time I come slowly and they don't want to jump from 0 to 60 and raise my dosage by too much, which I understand. That's what my last RE did and that cycle was nuts. Still, I don't play the trust game anymore.

I'm worried about getting cancelled. I've heard if your E2 is too low, they will do that, but my follicles do appear to be growing, so we'll see. I had a nightmare last night that I went in for another check and my E2 was only at 243. If it's not at least 300 tomorrow I don't know what will happen (and if it does make it to 300 tomorrow I'm still going to be bummed with how low it is).

Still, I did my two bottles of Bravelle and 1 of menopur and am hoping it did something.

Nothing on the adoption front. It's been almost a month since we've been homestudy approved but we haven't heard anything. I know that's not that much time but every day kills me.

And I just learned that a friend of ours (practically the last one) is pregnant. And L knew about it for about a month now and didn't say anything. I seem to remember writing this all before about someone else. Did he not learn the first time from how upset I was? I'm ready to rip him a new one.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Day 7 of Stims

This cycle doesn't looking to be any better than the first two, at least on paper. I don't know the deal with my body.

No BCP, no lupron. After 4 nights of stims, my E2 was at 101 and I had two follies around 10-11mm, with a bunch of smaller ones. They kept my dosage the same (1 vial menapur, 1 vial bravelle) and added ganirelix (which I thought was a mistake) because I had two "sizeable" follies.

Today, after 7 nights of stims, the nurse (a different one) measured only 3 follies (even though I swear I saw more) between 11 and 14. My E2 was only 154. WTF?

My E2 never seems to go anywhere (see IVF #1 and IVF#2). My FSH is 3.3 so I don't understand it. I can't even blame lupron this time (clearly it always created a flare effect for me before). While I don't think I needed ganirelix yet, I think it also helps keep follies together in size so I don't know if I should have waited another day or so. It lowers your E2 a bit, but even if it was 200-300 today I would still think that's low.

Every single IVF cycle I have been told my doctors I have the potential to have so many eggs, yet it never ever happens. I have a great egg reserve and lots of follies but they keep things low and I never respond in the end. It just looks like potential every single time, but never reaches the potential.

I mean, I don't want OHSS so that's good in a way, but I'm tired of hearing the same thing. I spoke up today and say I've heard that I'm probably just a slow starter for 3 cycles now and they are worried it could get out of hand. but it's never gotten out of hand, so can they change things?

But the nurse said I just need to trust them. F that, all I've done is trust REs and look where I am today. I go back in on Weds. and even if I double I'll only be at 300 for 9 days of stim. Ridiculous!

What is responsible for low E2 levels on stims? Especially since I have a good FSH and a LH at 1.0 right now. I don't get it.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Back in the saddle

Well then...

Today's CD4. Yup, got AF on Friday. That cycle was just a mess then. I have no idea when or if I O'd, but the cycle was 39 days long. I tend to have longer cycles (usually 31-34 days) so I have no clue what the hell THAT was about.

So I'm onto a new cycle, and just saw my new RE this morning. Fingers crossed this goes better than the old one. So far, what I love most about them is that every little thing goes into a patient portal that I can pull up any time I want! No more me asking the nurses for exact numbers and them looking at me like I'm so annoying because I don't take "it's appropriate" for an answer. I mean, I can even see how big my ovaries measured this morning! Very cool.

This is going to be a super quick cycle, which I'm also very excited about (unless it ends up ruining Thanksgiving, which it may well do). I'm not on lupron this time. I asked for a new protocol and boy, I guess I got it. I'm also not on any BCP. Holy cow, this is awesome!! I will be retrieving (hopefully) before Thanksgiving, that's how quick this is. I start stims tonight (doing Menopur and Bravelle this time) and they are hoping I retrieve around 11/18 (I'm never as fast as they think I will be,so probably a few days later).

They are staying away from lupron this time because looking at my old cycles they said Lupron causes people to flare, which is fine for some (most?) people, but I would start off well and then basically get oversurpressed. So I will take ganirelix toward the end but that's it.

It seemed like the nurse was the one basically deciding how much medicine I should take, which was weird. We talked about it, and how I thought I should be on a more of a steady dose instead of the craziness my last RE did. She looked at my ovaries and said she thought that I might be have a very mild version of PCOS - which I've NEVER heard before. I don't think it's altogether true either. While I have irregular cycles I do ovulate (albeit later than most people) and I do get AF. I don't have any facial hair (I actually have really thin hair) though I do have cystic acne (even at 33 years old) and I am overweight. I don't know. If there's such a thing as having a *touch* of it, maybe I do. She thought I had the very real possibility of "exploding" (with a ton of eggs) from my U/S so she's starting me on a very low dosage of the menapur/bravelle combo. I go back on Friday to see how I do. It should be interesting since I'm not on lupron this time.

Fingers crossed, I'm very nervous. I really want to get above 1300 estrogen this time, I never have before.

L is away on business till tomorrow night so I have to give myself the injection today. I've never done it before (he always mixes it and everything so I'm very nervous! (I know, I'm so spoiled, but it's worked for us this whole time).

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Musings

I'm probably going to do another IVF cycle next month (which is really starting about a week from now). We're not getting profiled yet so I don't think I'm breaking any "rules".

I did a natural cycle this month and today I *think* I'm 13dpo. I say that because I did OPKs and never got a smiley face, but had ovulation pain and really wet CM a couple of Fridays ago and then it stopped. Therefore, I should be getting AF on Sunday. I did take an HPT yesterday at what I thought was 12dpo and it was negative so I'm just waiting for AF to start, and even though we're homestudy ready for adoption and I'm probably going to do an IVF cycle next month I just feel so down about it. Bleh.

I don't understand why I feel so guilty about starting another cycle. I don't understand my SW's prohibition on it, when she said, "but if you get pregnant naturally, that's fine!" Why is it insidious if you attempt to bring about a baby through fertility drugs, but if you just get lucky it's no big deal? It doesn't make sense to me.

It's so exciting to be shopping for baby stuff. The carrier has been in my car since Saturday (still in the box) and the travel system is getting shipped to me (it was discontinued so we bought it now so it would match the carrier even though we have no need for the travel system). Every day feels like a month and I just keep hoping for a call. It's been only a little more than a week since we were homestudy ready so clearly I have so much longer to wait, but I just want it to happen now! Ha, doesn't everyone?

I just wonder if our baby-to-be has been conceived yet, or if it's a boy or girl or what it will look like. I can't wait for them to be ours. They are wanted so much.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Oh, the irony...

So the irony wasn't lost on me that we sat in 2 days worth of adoption education classes, Friday and Saturday night, and were there when my BFF's baby was born. Classic.

The classes were actually pretty good and interesting. On Friday night there were two speakers, the first being so fun and upbeat. I turned to L and said, "Why couldn't SHE have been our social worker?"

And then (cue music, dun dun dun DUN....) was our social worker. Seriously, such a debbie downer, making everything so negative. there were about 20 of us in the class and I think we all felt that way after she spoke. It made me feel a little vindicated afterwards...

She kept talking about the pervasive loss her children feel as a result of their adoption, and maybe it will come with time, but I do not fully understand it. Older child adoption, international adoption, foster children, THAT I fully understand. But her children were domestic adoption, and with her since they were 36 hours old. I certainly don't remember anything from 36 hours old, do you? While I do understand a general feeling of loss from being adopted, that your mother did not necessarily give birth to you, but your birth mother chose to make the best decision for you to have someone else raise you, I don't understand a pervasive sense because those kids have never known anything else. If they were adopted at 6 years old and knew other families, or were in an orphanage in Russia, or the foster care system, shuttled back and forth, then it would make sense.

In fact, the first speaker (whom I loved) spoke about her older child adoption from Russia. She adopted the child at 8years old. At 6, the child and her full blooded sibling were adopted by an American family, but the family ended up keeping the sibling and sending the older daughter back to Russia, where she was adopted 2 years later by the first speaker. Pervasive sense of loss? Oh yes! How horrible that must have been to have been sent back, and as a kid, not really understanding why (and as an adult, I may not be able to understand it either). My social worker's kids? Not at all the same, in my honest opinion.

Anyway, for the most part the class(es) were nice. Some we didn't need because we're done with our homestudy and profile now, and it would have been nice to have done this several months ago. But most of the classes are 5 hours away from us and we got lucky that they were doing a weekend near us so we jumped on it. They also showed us examples of profiles and I have to admit (braggy here) I thought ours is so much better. I hope it works for us, anyway.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Happy birthday

My best friend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl yesterday. We've been friends since we were 9 years old, so to hold her daughter on the day of her birth was very touching.

Today I can't stop thinking about how that will probably never be me.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Paper Pregnant

We are "paper pregnant" or whatever the term is for finishing our homestudy. I like the term "on the market" but our SW-from-hell didn't really appreciate it. No sense of humor, that one.

I got through the last homestudy session by literally biting my tongue. Once again she brought up the fact that I cannot handle infertility treatments and adoption at the same time. Honestly, I would much prefer her to just say, "the agency doesn't allow it" because I am a goody-two shoes rule follower and would have no problem saying, "ok." But I don't think it actually is prohibited, which is why she never said that. However, I told her during the first and second meetings that I wouldn't do any fertility treatments once we were getting profiled and apparently it STILL wasn't good enough. She still needed to tell me how I feel ONCE again during our third and last homestudy meeting.

This time, I literally bit my tongue to keep quiet, stared her straight in the eyes so she would think I was listening, blocked out anything she was saying, and concentrated on precisely what color her eyes were. Slate gray, I think. Matches her personality.

But we got through it, and she only spent about 2 seconds looking over the house, so I feel like I cleaned it inside and out for nothing...grr... but it's over, and we're approved, and now we just get to wait. For how long? I have no idea...

L and I did end up calling my agency contact last week because I was so upset about her. The short of our conversation is that we don't have to work with her in the post-adoption placement home visits. So I sucked it up for our last pre-adoption home visit because I'd never have to see her again. I think they did talk to her as well because I could tell she was trying to be nicer. Still, we just didn't click at all.

She told us we should go out and buy a car carrier and pack 'n play because we don't know how much time we'll have if we get called quickly. I'm so hesitant to do that, because I don't want to have baby stuff hanging around (even in a closet) and making me sad. Plus, I want a travel system for the car carrier that I did pick out, but don't want to spend the money right now for no good reason. So I'm torn. I guarantee you if I buy something, it will be well over a year before we get placed, but if I don't, it'll happen quickly and we won't be prepared.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I Think I'm Done

I feel done with jumping through hoops. I HATE our social worker. How can she be so judgmental about two people who've never done anything bad in their whole lives?

I called back on Monday and said that she could speak to our infertility counselor any time she wanted and we really wanted this to take place on Thursday as planned. She hemmed and hawed saying she didn't have the release saying so. I told her it would be at the adoption agency on Tuesday, so they could tell her they received it. She said she needed it in her hands. What is this? Does she not trust the adoption agency (for whom she works? If not, why is she working for them?) But I told her fine, I would bring over a copy of the release if she really needed to see it. At that point she basically told me to calm down, she understood my anxiety but she wasn't going to move any faster and to just deal with it.

WTF? She doesn't understand my anxiety at all. If she did she would understand that we have been waiting for years for a child, and her putting this off just adds to that. Don't you think we want a baby? And the longer you keep us waiting for no reason just makes us more anxious! We have done everything possible to keep this moving and on schedule. It seems to me like she had made plans for Thursday and didn't want to tell us, because why couldn't she have worked with us to actually do it on Thursday if she got the info on time?

I had called my counselor that day to ask if she would send over the release to the agency. And bless her, she did. She faxed it to the adoption agency on Monday (even though they were going to get a hard copy in the mail on Tuesday.)

I get two phone messages this morning, one from the SW, one from our infertility counselor. The one from the SW says she spoke to our IF counselor last night and she wants to reschedule our appt. for next week. The one from the IF counselor says she spoke to the SW last night and thinks everything is on track and that both she and the SW think it's best if L and I come in to see the IF counselor tomorrow night at 6pm (when our homestudy was supposed to be) and the SW will do the home visit NEXT Thursday at 7pm (when our next IF counseling session is supposed to be).

I'll be honest - I was/am livid. What is wrong with this Thursday!?!?! That was the date we originally had planned! Our SW spoke with our IF counselor ahead of the home visit, so why can't this continue as planned? Or Friday night? Or Monday night? I feel like the SW isn't working with us at all.

I feel like I've worked my ASS off to get everything in, all the i's dotted and t's crossed, and no one wants to work with me. I feel this is all because of the fact we see a counselor and I HATE the SW's judgment. I wish we had never seen my IF counselor and I think it is so wrong that the SW has made me feel that way. One would think you would want your adoptive parents to see one so you know they have dealt/are dealing with the issues regarding infertility/loss/grief that come with this whole process, but instead I feel like I'm being made to feel like I'm going to be a "bad parent" because of this.

I know it's only one more week, but I've had it. Why am I doing this? To be made to feel like crap? I can't take it anymore. I'm ready to walk away.I don't want anything more to do with this SW, and I'm just going to need to have more contact with her. I can't do it. I'm done.

ETA: I still want to know why our SW needed to talk to my counselor but didn't need to talk to my cardiologist. Why was a letter from my cardiologist good enough, but not one from my counselor? It seems like everything I ever said to the counselor can now be held against me, and at the time I was talking with her about those things, I thought it was a safe, confidential place I could express my feelings (not all which were rational at the time, but I was upset). Now it doesn't feel like a safe place anymore, and I can't go back, even though I liked my counselor very much.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Ready to Revolt (and 2nd Homestudy meeting)

Do most people strongly dislike the social worker they are assigned to in their adoption? I heard that's not usually the case, but it is with us. My two closest friends, both social workers, are trying to make me feel better by calling her a "glorified secretary" but I'm still really upset. She's just so...judgy. L and I are goody-two shoes - I mean, neither of us have even so much TRIED pot in our lives, and she's making us feel terrible. I can't imagine what other (more normal) people have gone through.

The second homestudy meeting was two individual meetings, first with me, then with L. For the most part, it went better than the first meeting I thought. But then, towards the end, I was mentioning how we see a counselor about my infertility issues (something I thought would only show how much I was willing to deal and come to terms with my issues) and she just made me feel batshit crazy. She said, "You know, you really should have told the agency that, that's really important to know." Um, excuse me, I did!!

My first agency contact I told everything too. I don't lie, and I'm not hiding anything (hence why my SW and I had issues the first meeting). I TOLD my agency contact and even asked if I needed to get a note from our counselor and she told me no. So I really don't appreciate being lectured to like our SW did. Then she tries to go over our adopting/infertility treatments from last week telling me how important it is if we get pregnant to let the agency know because it's not fair to do both at the same time.

FUCK OFF. What was the first thing we did when I found out I was pregnant in April? Call the agency to put our stuff on hold. Again, don't lecture me because I've always done everything the way it should be done.

Unfortunately, my first agency contact left last month so I called up my new agency contact as soon as I got out of that meeting. She told me that our SW HAD ALREADY CALLED her. Jesus H. Christ. She didn't understand why my first agency contact had told us we didn't need a note from our counselor but said we did. Freaking pain in the ass, but fine. So we met with our counselor anyway that night so it was easy enough to ask for (hopefully she'll send everything in ASAP). I emailed my second agency contact (because we mailed in our adoption profiles on Friday - woot!) telling her everything should be on its way and we hope we don't get delayed because we had just been told.

Our third homestudy meeting (actually in our home) is scheduled for this Thursday. This morning I wake up to a message from our SW saying that she is confirming that our homestudy is delayed until we get our other paperwork in. WTF?!?! I called up my second agency contact right away (they are actually open today, imagine that!) and she said that's incorrect and we don't need to delay. So is my SW going off the rails or what? Is she going to refuse to see us until that paperwork is done? I don't know why the note, which is going to say "I don't see any issues with L and Ducky adopting" and ONLY that makes a difference in coming to our house. I'm going to be so pissed if our SW goes rogue and says she won't do it. (the timing was PERFECT because we're getting our carpets cleaned tomorrow and our cleaning lady comes Weds. morning. And we didn't even plan it this way!)

I'm so annoyed that this lady will be doing our post-adoption home visits as well. I can't stand her.

Monday, October 3, 2011

It's like winning the lottery, but not...

Well, I think this will be a brutally honest post. Probably not very PC, and I apologize in advance. But this is the place where I put down all my feelings, albeit anonymously, so my safe place to vent, muse, and say all the things "out loud" that I can't really say out loud. So here we go.

L and I had a talk with my inlaws (his parents) on Saturday night. We've been feeling very badly about them and their lack of apparent caring or reaching out to us (see this post for a brief mention) over the last year or so. So we decided to talk to them about it.

It was sort of ridiculous in one way...here we are telling them how alone and hurt we feel having lost so many babies and not a phone call, card, visit, and then my MIL having to make it all about herself and telling her she's really upset and pissed about us because we didn't take a picture of the whole family together at her 60th surprise birthday party (that WE threw for her!) a year and a half ago.

No kidding. All of us kids and her husband threw a surprise party at a restaurant (complete with bakery cakes and food) for about 40 people for her 60th b-day in April 2010. It was a NICE party and we all had a good time. And Saturday she takes the opportunity to tell us she's pissed because the pictures we took, there's a picture of my family altogether (um, they were sitting at one table) but there's not one "family" picture of her family together. Well us kids were running around the whole night, with the cake, with the speeches, taking pictures, and while there's pictures of us separately, not together. And she's PISSED and HURT about that? I've never heard such a thing. Totally took my respect for her down a notch or two.

Anyway, I think my FIL got it at least, and that's good. He actually surprised me, he's been researching infertility or something because he started reciting some facts to me and I was like, "Whoa!" I don't think I will have the relationship with my MIL I thought I would when we got married though...

Well, whatever. She was telling us how it's all our fault because we don't come out and tell them EVERYTHING that's going on in our lives (we said, "you could ask" because it's hard to repeat everything shitty thing that's happening to everyone we know, you know? So she asked, and we told her.

I never even wrote it here (but my MIL apparently thinks I'm on some grand conspiracy to keep her in the dark about my life) but we saw another RE in Boston at the end of August for a second opinion as to why I keep miscarrying. Of course, she had no better understanding of why this keeps happening to us either. Yay, us. Of course, she told us to continue on with the FET and everything else in the event it really is just horrible luck. But she recommended using a gestational surrogate (in MA this is legal, where I live in NY it is not...well, a contract is not legal) as our best chance of having genetically-linked kids.

Guess how much she said it is? $80,000.

So you can understand how we said, thank for your second opinion and marched on our way to adoption. Which is so expensive in itself, but we're looking at $30K here, not $80K, so much more feasible. Not to mention there's a tax credit, so we would get $13K back. So really "only" $17K out of pocket (not that that's anything to sneeze at, of course.

So I was telling my ILs about this after they asked what was going on, when my MIL says out of the blue, "What if we give you the money?" My FIL just nods in agreement.

Um...what? That was the last thing I expected to hear (especially after how upset she is with us about some stupid PICTURES).

She goes onto say, if we're putting $30K towards adoption they could give us the remaining $50K to do surrogacy. If we want we can treat it as a loan "wink wink" that we could take forever to pay back when we're 93. (Which is a way of saying it's really a gift since they will be long gone by the time we're 93. Hell, with my heart, I'm not going to MAKE it to 93.)

Dumbfounded. that's what I was. And on the way home I was so excited. It's like being handed a winning lottery ticket. L's parents are considerably more well off than my own. So I guess they must have that much money to just give us? (although with tax implications, I'm guessing they would just make the payments for us instead of giving us the money).

But then, you know, as you think about things more and more, all the negatives start popping out to you, and more and more, that winning lottery ticket is slowly getting ripped to pieces.

Listen, I don't know about the psychological processes regarding adoption, and whether I would pass any tests if I needed to. It's an evolving thing for me. There's a certain amount of guilt, grief and acceptance that goes into adoption, grief that you will never have your own child, guilt that you are comparing having your own biological child to your own adopted child, and worry that you will feel differently even though everyone tells you you won't, and the acceptance that finally comes to it. I had finally come around to the point that this was meant to be, that it was fate, and that there was a child out there meant for me and L. That this was supposed to be this way, and my numerous attempts at trying to have my own were just my misguided way of fighting the truth, that I wasn't meant to have a biological child. I mean, how many clues do I really need? Heart condition, told by multiple doctors originally not to get pregnant, multiple heart surgeries, infertility, miscarriages - I mean, get a clue, Ducky, you are just not meant to be a biological mother!

But the desire, innate desire, natural desire, I believe is so strong. In a perfect world with all the money and resources at my disposal, I would love two biological and two adopted. But, obviously, this is not a perfect world, and I had just begun to accept it.

But what do you do if you're given the choice, just like that? If I got even a little excited, did that mean I shouldn't adopt? Am I a horrible person because the thought of having a little one that is the product of me and L gives me shivers of anticipation? Or is that just nature? Does it mean I wouldn't love my adopted child?

I don't know. I want to think that the answer to all those questions are no, but I'm afraid.

One thing that gave me a little reasurrance, after mere minutes of thinking about it, was that I still wanted to go through with adoption. Why? Because we're so close to being out there to be profiled Because the odds are that we could have a child this point quicker through adoption than through surrogacy. And if all I really cared about was a genetic link with my child, then I would be happy to wait for surrogacy, right? But I'm not. So I can't possibly be that bad, right?

Is the most innate desire of all just to have a child of one's own then? By whatever means possible?

I don't know. I don't know anything about anything. I don't know if everyone thinks about these things or if I'm the only one and that makes me a bad person who shouldn't adopt, or what. I don't know anything.

Except that I really want both. I want to proceed with adoption and now I want to proceed with surrogacy and in the end I want both of those babies. Maybe it's just a natural thing to happen after all these years of imagining and picturing MY child. It's so easy to conjure one up in my mind - my adopted baby, and my surrogate baby (note how I've completely dismissed every notion that I could possibly get pregnant on my own and carry to term, which hasn't been ruled out by any doctor, they just don't know what's going on) and I couldn't possibly choose between them. because even though they don't even exist, they are both MINE.

Now, talking about it with L in the hours and days since then, I really don't think it's possible. We don't want to take on that amount of debt. But even if it were a gift, we would still feel obligated to pay it back. I mean, L has siblings - how can you justify giving us all that money? It's not really fair.

And then, who knows what kind of strings there may be from a mother who's pissed we didn't take a family picture? We would feel obligated to them for the rest of our lives. It just doesn't make sense.

And it sucks. Because I never would have thought of this possibility before Saturday, so it's like a million dollars was waved in front of me, and then taken away. If I hadn't known it was a possibility, I probably never would have missed it. But now that I know it is, no matter how much it really isn't, it opens up those freshly scabbed over wounds. Things I thought I had put behind me.

But I called the Boston hospital's infertility clinic, just to ask about gestational surrogacy and how it works with them. See, now that stupid little flame of hope has been rekindled. It's like life is just fucking with you.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

First Homestudy Meeting

I've had the worst period ever. Well at least the last few years. I had to actually take a couple of hydrocodone (the ones I had left over from when my periods were so painful - and they were expired) so I could tell how long it's been. I don't know why this one was so bad, when they haven't been that way for years now.

Yesterday was our first homestudy meeting. There will be three of them. The first was one with me and L at the social worker's office. The second one will be individual meetings at her office. Only the third will actually be in our home.

It went all right. I didn't get a warm and fuzzy feeling from her. She actually upset me so much at one point that I almost got really angry and started crying. I'm hoping I just misunderstood, but the more I think about it, the more I'm annoyed.

She asked if I was going to put IVF on hold while we were profiled. I wasn't sure what profiled meant so I told her no. I said we weren't trying right now but that didn't mean we wouldn't try again in the future. She told me while I didn't have to legally, I really needed to because adoption is so emotional and IVF is so emotional I really can't handle it. That's where I got really upset. Don't tell me anything is so emotional I can't handle it. I've handled two open heart surgeries, I've handled the loss of 5 babies, 2 IVF cycles, 1 FET AND done adoption paperwork to date, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I CAN HANDLE!!!

Then I stopped crying long enough to tell her maybe I just didn't understand what being "profiled" meant. She told me that's when we're matched with a birthmother. Which I totally didn't understand originally and which was fine with, at least initially. In my mind, we're going to finish our homestudy and wait months and months until we hear from the agency and I was being honest that I wasn't sure I was going to NOT do a cycle while I hear nothing. But if we're matched I of course wouldn't do anything. That I'm ok with. She said we should be profiled within 1 or 2 months. We'll see.

The more I think about it though, the more I realize it's just not as simple as that. What if I'm in the middle of a cycle when I get the call that we're matched? I'm not about to throw away a cycle or my money when nothing is definite. I wouldn't START a new one if we were matched, but IVF cycles are very long, and I think she doesn't realize it.

So nothing's simple, even in adoption (well especially in adoption, but you KWIM.) Still ignorance even there...

It's hard.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Beta Day

Moved my beta up to today, as it was scheduled for 7am tomorrow. I already knew it was going to be negative, why wake up extra early just to find that out? This way I get to sleep in tomorrow.

As thought, it was BFN. HCG was 0.3. Wow...they didn't take at all. My E2 was over 800 and my P4 was 19, so I know those were both good levels. I know my body pretty well - and I felt NOTHING. I didn't even waste my last pee stick!

So...that's it..onto...I don't know what. Do I stay locally and try a cycle with the local team? do I go down to NYC where they have much better success rates (but I would need to use FMLA because I can't make that commute during stims?) I don't know. I am done for at least the next month though. My 33rd birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I might as well be drinking and eating sushi during it. I'll continue to work on my weight loss (now down over 11 lbs in the last month, thank you Jenny Craig), and somehow figure it out.

I said a little prayer for my embies...off to join everyone else. Momma loves you.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Welcome ICLWers

Hi ICLWers and welcome to my blog. I have bullet points to my "story" down the side of my blog, but it's really long by this point so let me give you a summary here.

DH and I have been married since 2007 (we were high school sweethearts who dated a looonng time before getting married) and trying to have a child since 2008. In that time I've had 5 pregnancies (or really 4, but one was twins) and have miscarried all, the most recent being twins at 11 weeks in June. I've been tested for recurrent loss to no avail, and the D&C genetic testing showed chromosomally normal boys, so all doctors are stumped. As you can imagine, this has been very hard for us.

I am currently towards the end of a 2ww for my first FET. Today is 12dpo and I'm pretty sure it didn't work. I had two 2BB thawed embies transferred last week and today I got a BFN on a FRER. It just feels like I can't catch a break.

We also started the adoption process back in February, but it was on hold for a few months when we last got pregnant. However, since losing the last pregnancy, we kicked it into high gear and just got matched with a social worker to write our homestudy. Our first meeting will be next week, and it looks like if everything goes smoothly our profile will be ready to present by November 1st!

I am hopeful one way or another we will have a baby within the next year, but the length of time and heartbreak that has gone on has really made me a much sadder person. I don't think I will ever begin to reclaim myself until I have a child one way or another though, so we keep trying. Not trying means not getting to where I want to be.

Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Willpower

For the first time ever, I bought ONE box of HPTs and didn't proceed to take them in consecutive days.

I now don't really want to take one (I was planning on taking one tomorrow morning, and a digital Friday morning, as beta is Saturday, so that I'm prepared for the news), because I just don't want to see that stark whiteness.

Yesterday's HPT was still blaringly white. 5dpdt. I got my last positive on 4dp5dt last time. True, it was twins, but I feel like I would see even the faintest of lines.

Of course, sitting here a 6dp5dt today, I can honestly tell myself that just perhaps it was too early at the equivalent of 10dpo, especially if only one of the two frozen embies made it. I can feel bad, but not too bad, not yet.

But tomorrow, when it's white, I will have to face the fact that it most likely didn't work. And that the last two months of injections were all for nought.

L made a huge mistake the other day, a rookie mistake, I call it. We own a condo and he was outside puttering on the deck when he calls over and says "does it smell like someone's smoking?" (he hates cigarette smoke, loves cigars) I mindless call to him, "it's probably our neigbor down below" (because the young couple always has parties and hangs out down there). He came in all haughty and said, "He better not be since his wife is pregnant."

It was total news to me. We've already made comments back and forth to each other about these new neighbors, so much younger than us it feels like, with about 4 different really nice cars (including a hummer), money to burn in totally fixing up their condo (the trucks bearing names for tile work, renovations, etc. have been lined up outside for months). Now on top of all that, she's also pregnant?

I just didn't need to find out that way. It's like some people live these golden lives, and then others, like me, get shit on constantly.

I had AF type cramps yesterday, and if it comes early I will be so so pissed. AF cramps at 10dpo seems too late for implantation and too early for AF (unless it comes early) so I am stumped. Other than that, and mind numbing exhaustion (I don't think progesterone suppositories have ever affected me as much as they have this time)...and that's it. I keep trying to convince myself that my boobs are sore (I'm squeezing and pawing at them so much I'm probably making them sore in trying to find out) but I think it's all in my head.

The only thing that's keeping me in hope that AF is not coming today or tomorrow is because my weight was down again this morning. Yay!! I've been doing Jenny Craig for the last month, and as of today am officially down 10 lbs, which is 4 lbs less than when I had my BFP in April. Usually I gain around 5lbs just for AF. And at least when this cycle is over, I will not have added even more weight (which is what has been going on the last few years) and feeling down about that as well.

I'm cranky and bitchy today. Ugh.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Still nothing much

Just writing this so in future months I can compare dpts (days past transfer) for the symptom game. Nothing worthwhile today. Bloating not too bad (saw my mom today and she commented that I've lost weight), very little cramping, if at all (we stayed really busy and I'm trying not to think about it). That's it. :/

I am already writing this cycle off because I just don't feel anything. I'm also looking up stuff because L and I decided tonight that we're going to start getting a nursery prepared because of our homestudy coming up. I'm hoping one way or another we will have a baby within the next year.

We're not going crazy, mind you. We tried to sell our home last year for a full year and the market is so slow we took it off, paid off my student loans, and are going to save till next Spring before putting it back on the market. So we need to do things that will help us sell. We already talked about putting in hardwood or laminate flooring instead of our wall to wall carpet, and since we're going to be repainting what would be the nursery anyway to sell, we're going to change the flooring there first before the rest of the house. That requires us to take off the baseboards anyway, so we'll paint in the color we want for a nursery (a nice yellow color, I think) and then all we need to do is buy the baby furniture and decorate it. In the meantime, it'll continue to serve as our spare bedroom.

Thinking about this makes me happy. Moving forward in anything makes me happy. We've been stuck for far too long. I'm trying to live for today.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Symptoms

I've been feeling so depressed ever since last night. Genius me decided to look up the SART statistics for my clinic for FETs. Why didn't I do this before? I might have saved myself the last 2 months. They are horribly low. I don't even understand why so low? How can it be so much lower than for the fresh IVF cycles?

I had a bunch of cramping on the day of transfer, a *little* cramping yesterday and nothing since. I kind of feel like it's over. I started feeling bloated yesterday, but nothing major. I feel like I've been working towards this for weeks now and it's already done. Ugh.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Another go

Today I had my transfer for my first FET. We put back two snowbabies - both 2BBs. Definitely not as awesome as my fresh IVF cycle, but I'm hoping one sticks. I didn't really relax that much afterwards, but my day job is a desk job so I'm hoping it doesn't matter. I took off half a day only like I did last time and that seemed to work out ok (at least initially).

I don't really think this will work out for me. And if I do magically get pregnant, I'm pretty sure it won't end well, but I will always try. We are actually waiting to get assigned a social worker as all of our Homestudy paperwork is in, so I have that in the back of my mind. At this point, I just want a baby - no matter which way. The only problem is that one costs me $30k. Yes, I'm blessed to have my insurance cover IVF, at least up to a certain threshold.

On the way into work today I called into a radio show and won the prize! Haha!! Just a little gift certificate to applepicking (totally up my alley) but it brought me a lot of joy because I NEVER win anything. Hoping that means good things for the transfer that happened today as well.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Coming Back from the Dead

A friend of mine asked me if I was going to start writing my infertility blog again. It's been about 6 weeks since my last post, and honestly, I was doing ok without it. I think thinking about things makes me more upset and depressed than if I went through the day not fixating on it.

So, it's been about 6 weeks since I lost my second twin. We have since found out he was a chromosomally normal baby boy. When I told L, he said (to no one in particular), "My boy..." and it broke my heart.

See there I go crying again, because I'm thinking about it. I honestly wish he hadn't been chromosomally normal, because then I could feel like it wasn't my fault. As of now, I have no idea what happened. And after 5 losses, I feel I should know. The local MFM tell us it could have been just bad luck, but after so many, I doubt it. But I can't fix anything if I don't know what the issue is.

I miss my babies so much. My BFF is now 24 weeks pregnant, and my coworker friend who was 3-4 weeks behind me is now 14. Tomorrow was supposed to be my fetal echo. I know this because I got a stupid automatic call reminding me of my appointment a few days ago. I had told them to cancel it 6 weeks ago but apparently they didn't do their job so I got that lovely reminder. Thanks.

I'm doing so much better than I was. Honestly, for the first 3 weeks, I was a total mess. Crying every day, every night. L took over all chores for a week so that I could do nothing but go to work. It was really nice.

We got a dog the last day of June. She has made all the difference. She is filling a need I have for that unconditional affection right now. Not that I can really compare a baby and a dog, but when she wants me pet her and love her, and she's giving me doggy kisses, it definitely fills a need.

This is Pippa.

4 weeks after my D&C, I finally got a positive OPK. It's the first cycle afterwards, so I really don't expect any miracles. We are scheduled to start our FET cycle as soon as AF comes. However, my RE's office is CLOSED the month of August, so we can't do transfer until September.

I didn't expect my period to take so long (ok, really? I have long cycles to begin with, so why not?) but I don't expect AF until the end of july, so it really mostly works out anyway. But I am really annoyed by the fact that they're closed. They also close the month of December, and what the hell is that, right?

I still have 4 frozen embies, so I wanted to give them a shot before doing another fresh cycle. But if the frozen cycle doesn't work (and I'm not holding my breath) then I'm switching to the other RE in my area for a fresh cycle.

At this point, I don't really feel like I have a problem "getting" pregnant. i.e. - I can implant. I just can't seem to hold onto a baby. 5 losses in the first trimester are so confusing to me. I've had the recurrent loss panel done and started doing the lovenox last time, and that didn't stop my losses either.

I just want my babies to stay. It really sucks feeling responsible for their deaths.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Nothingness

Numbness.

There are no words to describe how I feel. There really is no point to it all. I've cried a little, but not even that much, and I am usually very much a crier. I think I realize, what is there to cry about? It's not going to change anything, no one (i.e. God) is listening anyway. He doesn't care. He hasn't cared this whole time. So what does it all matter?

The D&C is tomorrow. I'm asking for one more U/S because Friday was such a blur it doesn't even register right now. I don't think they made a mistake but I need to really look this time because last time it was all so fast. Or so it seemed. I need to see for myself so there is no doubt.

I've asked L to call the RE's office since Friday to find out how long to wait before a FET. It's Tuesday and we cannot get ahold of someone. They probably don't want me back. I'm a very proactive patient and they were probably so happy to be rid of me the first time...sigh...

Nothing else has changed. Still no bleeding...still very wet CM. My body hasn't figured it out yet. If I hadn't had that U/S I would never know otherwise.

I'm forcing myself to wear non-maternity clothes, which is difficult because I really don't fit into them. My baby may have stopped growing but the uterus has not. I'm going shopping on Thursday to get something to wear for the summer.

All my summer plans are ruined. I was in the running for happiest pregnant lady ever. I was thrilled to be out and about while PG, so proud of it. So proud. 6/18 family outing to the racetrack? Oh yeah! Dinner cruise around NYC in August for inlaw's birthdays/anniversary celebration? Yes please! I just wanted to be that pregnant lady. Now the whole summer stretches before me, no longer pregnant, just fat.

As a planner, I had put Plan Bs, Cs and Ds into motion, but I got thwarted. I didn't think that this last IVF would work, so we booked tickets to Turkey in late May, thinking, if we were still PG by then, things would be good. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I was taking off at least the next three months, possibly 6, to seriously lose some weight. So that at least by the summer I would be feeling better about my body. But I was pregnant and we canceled our trip and I obviously didn't lose weight, just gained, and now here I am, nearly the middle of June, no trip to Turkey, no lost weight and no baby.

You would think if I couldn't have my baby, God could have at least given me that. But no, I'm apparently not even good enough for my consolation plans to go right.

What am I good enough for? I don't know anymore. I feel like Job. But unlike him, I'm not going to so easily come back to God. You wanted to push me away? You got it.

My husband is the only thing on this earth worth living for. He is truly truly awesome. I suppose if I could have only one good thing in life, I hit the jackpot with him. That's why I feel like a brat in complaining about the baby thing, but I still do. I need a purpose other than my baby in life, but the last few years it has become all consuming I don't see any other purpose than that.

Some people would therefore put TTC aside for awhile but I can do no such thing. It's such a singular focus that without it, I don't know what else I'd do. I don't know what else to do. Time keeps ticking. 32 now, 33 in a few months. Getting close to advanced maternal age soon.

It's all a blur. What to do now? What to do next? I just don't care about anything. I deactivated my FB account, just for now. Constantly seeing baby pictures and PG updates was something I couldn't deal with. Can't talk on the phone. Only accepting texts and emails right now. My dad came up on Saturday, which was so needed. I bleached the deck walls which was the best thing ever, in terms of keeping my mind of things. I'm actually getting stuff done around my house. Staying busy helps so much. My mom and dad came up again on Sunday. Yes, dad drove 4 hours both days to see me. They were so great.

My sister texted me with the perfect words. I was so appreciative. My brother and SIL emailed me (separately). My brother clearly has not dealt with much adversity in his life as he actually wrote, "If life were easy we wouldn't appreciate it as much." Are you kidding me? When I'm the one in the family (and only one) who has the heart condition, the multiple open heart surgeries, the infertility issues, the FIVE miscarriages - you are seriously saying that? It's what clueless people say. So he's clueless. But I just wrote him back saying thank you, because I appreciated him reaching out and listening when my parents said I was not talking to anyone on the phone. My SIL too (she did not make any such clueless remarks, thank goodness).

My inlaws, I don't know what the hell is up with them. L and I are both very disappointed. If anything, before this I would have said they were the ones I would have expected to drop everything and see us, but apparently not. Didn't hear from either of my BILs either this weekend. one of them we found out last night was in Atlantic City all weekend so I understand, but the other one has no such excuse, he lives at home with the ILs. My ILs live just as far as my parents (same town, exactly) but have not asked to come visit us. No other calls, nothing. L called his mom out on it yesterday and was pretty upset (he's not the type to do that normally). I admit, I'm really disappointed.

My BFF, who's now close to 20 weeks pregnant, cried when I called her. She's texted me and called DH wanting to let us know she's there when we need her. Another friend texted me as well. My close coworker friend- now 9 weeks pregnant has been good at work the last few days. It's amazing, all we've done is talk about MMC and yet it's been good. Weird. But I get upset that none of them will have issues (because I *know* they won't) and I'm always the one that does. Close coworker will "pass" me in 2 weeks and then go far beyond and I will be left behind once again, not pregnant.

So I have all these people technically, and yet I feel so alone. 90% of them have done all the right things, and yet I'm upset about the ILs.

I know time will help. But right now...I just sit here. Numb. Thinking about how I will never have my happy ending. I don't want much. Just one child. Just one.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

How did I know?

On Friday I had my NT scan.

Unfortunately I was right. How am I always right about these things? There was no heartbeat. I saw the heart on the screen, that bright white dot, which just a couple of weeks ago was beating a wonderful 164 bpm, now still and silent on the U/S screen.

The baby was actually measuring smaller than it was a few weeks ago, by a couple of millimeters. How is that possible? So I don't even know when my baby died. Was it right after the last scan? In the last week? I will never know.

I am scheduled for a D&C on Wednesday. When all of this was happening on Friday, it was all a blur, I was almost numb, though of course I was crying. How the hell did I say Weds. was ok? Why didn't I insist on Monday? What is wrong with me? I will walking around as if I'm pregnant (because I don't really fit in regular clothes anymore but my body hasn't gotten the hint I am no longer pregnant) for almost another week by then. That is how you spell torture.

The D&C is schedule on what would have been 12 weeks exactly for me. So close to the end of the first trimester, but no cigar.

All I can think is that it must have been my body in some way that did this. We went to Maine last weeken for the Memorial Day holiday and I walked 4 miles that first day there. It was hot and it was hard for me. Did I overdo it and therefore somehow kill my baby? Or do something inadvertently before or after?

I don't know. and I will never know. All I know is that at some point I had two babies in this pregnancy, and now I have none. And I loved them so very much.

Did I get too cocky towards the end? I started to think that maybe it might work. I was saying to DH, I am worried about this, but it was more in order to fend it off. If I thought about the possibility, then that possibility wouldn't happen. But inside I was thinking - 11w2d, I'm practically out of the first trimester - it's going to be ok! On my way out of work to the appointment I rubbed my belly and smiled and said, "Let's do this baby! I'm so excited to see you!"

So cocky. I ought to have known better. I do know better. Didn't I write here that I don't get happy endings?

One of the hardest things about this is that I know i will have to wait I don't know how long after the D&C to do a FET. I'm sure I'm looking at the fall at the minimum. The fall when I will turn 33. When I would have been in my third trimester.

I was due December 14, 2011. I will not have my Christmas baby anymore. We were calling it our little snowbaby because it was due in the winter.

I will not have a baby in 2011 anymore. I started trying in 2008.

I'm never going to have my happy ending.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

10w6d

My NT scan is on Friday. I'm almost as scared for it as I was for my first OB appointment. I don't know why. I saw the HB for 3 weeks straight and it will only be two weeks and 1 day from the previous time but I'm still so worried that there won't be a heartbeat on Friday.

I should be worried about other things. Like, what if there's a HB but the NT scan shows us something disastrous? I'm not so concerned about Down's. No one in my family has ever had it. I am more concerned about some big congenital heart defect, since I have one myself.

And then, today is the first day I've felt *significantly* better since about 8 weeks. And I don't like it one bit. I've asked around and people said that towards the end of the first trimester you can start feeling better, but to me, that's also an indication of a missed M/C. So, I don't know what to think. I still feel some symptoms, but so much lighter that I almost felt like a new person today. Me no likey.

I'm thinking once the NT scan passes on Friday I will feel better about this pregnancy. Hmm, that's what I said about my first scan and my second scan and look at me right now. No, but I think I will. I know there's always the chance something could happen, but I think I'll feel out of the worst of it.

But I also feel like I have the worst luck. 10% chance or 5% of miscarriage now? Leave it to me, I'll be in that tiny percentage.

In some screwed up way, I don't see me ever having a happy ending. I know it's sad and pathetic, but I just can't see it.

I want to be proven wrong so badly. I want people to laugh in my face at the end of all of this, going "I TOLD YOU SO!!"

Sunday, May 22, 2011

How can I still be so bitter?

On FB tonight, a friend of mine just posted that her daughter was born. 12 1/2 weeks early. A friend that posted no updates on FB ever (something that I appreciate so much because there's nothing I hate more than hearing about babies on FB), I didn't even know she was pregnant (lol, obviously, not that close friends). And still, I am so insanely jealous right now it's ridiculous. The poor things, both mom and baby. At 12.5 weeks, that must be not even 28 weeks along.

My baby, should I ever have him/her feels so far away right now. And I'm pregnant. I am still so painfully aware and afraid that I will lose this baby too and have nothing - again.

It's not even like my friend went through a wonderful pregnancy that was perfect. The baby is doing fine right now, but even so...why am I so jealous? Will that ever go away?

Nights like these I hate myself. And yet I'm still so jealous.

Friday, May 20, 2011

9w2d

I had a bunch of appointments this week and I think it's going to kill me to wait for the next one which is exactly 2 weeks from today.

On Weds. I met with the local MFM. Well, first I had an OB appt. with a resident (and no senior doctor, weird) that looked like she was 12 and had the bedside manner of a gnat. Seriously, she was terrible - and if she's starting out that way, I can't imagine how she'll be in 10 years. She insisted on doing a pap smear even though I told her I'd had one done in January, and then proceeded to be so rough I was bleeding bright red the rest of the day. Which I know can be expected, but is NOT appreciated during this time of my life. Then she proceeded to attempt to find the baby's HB via doppler which I thought was the dumbest thing ever as A) kinda early to find on a doppler vs. an ultrasound and B) way to freak out a woman who's had 4 miscarriages when you are not skilled enough to find the HB.

I told her I was looking to have someone locally follow me but I was planning to give birth in Boston. I don't trust anyone locally here to know what to do with me. (Obviously, I didn't tell her that). But that GIRL actually said to me, "I don't think we can do that. Nope."

I almost told her, "Ok then, I guess we're done here," because I WILL DRIVE TO BOSTON EVERY WEEK IF I HAVE TO. But I just asked her why on earth not and she told me because of the way they bill things, that it's just one bill at the end when you give birth.

WTF are you talking about? Maybe you need to live in the real world a little (or be older than 12) so you understand how medical billing works. You don't get ONE bill, you nitwit, you get billed for each and every "service" that is done. I nearly asked her how they were planning to bill me if I had a miscarriage, as then I wouldn't be giving birth with them, but I managed to hold it in. What an idiot!

Luckily, then we went in for the U/S which I should not have been nervous for as the previous one was 6 days before but of course I was because it's a WHOLE 6 days! The technician was fantastic though and found the HB right away. It was flickering so fast which made me relax and was 161bpm. Then she turned on the sound and we heard it and I just lost it. Started crying which in turn made the technician cry and the whole thing was just wonderful. Then met with the MFM and didn't do that much more. My NT scan is the next appointment.

That night we drove to Boston because we had an early and full next day of testing with the Boston MFM and cardiology. I met with cardiology first. Dr. Mike was in an important conference all day long so I met with his colleague instead, who is very capable and very nice. God, there is something about my doctors in Boston that put every other doctor I've ever had to shame. They are so competent and so easy to work with and try to work with you! They COMMUNICATE with each other so you don't have to repeat yourself 14 billion times. I love them. They did an echo which they said showed a little more leaking in my valves than at my previous appt. last September but said it was fine and to be expected, and they would keep an eye on it. Then they made me take a few laps around the floor with a pulse oximeter to check my O2. It dropped to 91% :( but they didn't say anything. I have the feeling I will end up on 02 before the end of pregnancy though. Hopefully it'll only be at the end.

Then we met with Dr. E and she was excited for us because it's taken so long to get to this part. It was so nice. Dr. Mike ended up calling my cell to find out where we were and coming to see us (during his lunch I think). I was so touched. He gave me hug and just stood there while we talked with the MFM. He's so funny.

Dr. E (to me): You look like a million bucks!
Dr. Mike: Why don't you tell me I look like a million bucks?
Dr. E: I saw you yesterday, Mike, and I told you then that you look like a million bucks!

LMAO.

I told them I am planning to give birth there and Dr. Mike and Dr. E discussed about me finding some long term housing the last few weeks if I need to be local (again, I will do whatever it takes). And I know they will help me figure it out if needed. When I had my second OHS, Dr. Mike's office found week-long housing for my parents to stay in the area. And I am an adult so I technically don't need my parents, but my husband was driving the 3 hours back and forth from work and really wanted someone nearby. Boston Children's/Brigham and Women's are truly fantastic hospitals.

Dr. E told me she won't let me go to my due date, which is 12/21. That 12/14 is the latest. Since I am at an increased risk of premature labor - I am just praying I get past 12/1.

I got another U/S out of it (yes, only 1 day after the previous) and the HB was up to 164. I know it doesn't mean anything but I love it. LOVE IT.

And now nothing for a few weeks. I don't know how I'm going to stay sane.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

8w3d

Boy, I've really slacked on the writing. Part of it is because I don't have much to write day to day, except continuously talking about fears and such. Part is because L has built himself a new computer, but hasn't installed the scanner yet. And I don't have the drivers on my Mac. So I finally took pictures of the U/S pics I've gotten rather than wait any longer.

The 7w1d U/S of the twins:

So Baby B was on the left and Baby A on the right.

Baby A at 7w1d:

I'm still here, at over 8 weeks now. My next appt. is Weds., when I'll be 9 weeks. It's with the local MFM, and I'm scheduled for another U/S and an NV. What the heck NV means, I have no idea. I know it's not an NT, which is something around 12 weeks I think.

Around 8 weeks, I started to get excited. And then I started to get mad at myself. 8 weeks is still so incredibly early, what are you getting so excited about? Ugh...so now I feel I'm in no-man's land a little bit. I'm scared, but not crying anymore. Just worried. My family knows, and I really don't want to have to tell them bad news again. My husband is getting excited.

I told our counselor that I was only a little over 50% sure I'd come home with a baby. Really, I feel it's closer to 25%, but when I started to say 20% she was like, "really?" (I know, counselors aren't supposed to do that, right?) I guess I'm such an eeyore, I feel like I can't really have that happy ending, right?

But thus far, I'm still here, we're still here. I had some spotting on Thursday and pretty much ran to the RE, even though I've technically graduated. I think part of me was thinking how it was so hard to wait another week to make sure my babies were still alive, and part of me freaked out over the spotting. They got me in right away, and there was no more bleeding, so I felt a little silly. I now think it was left over from DTD with L 2 days previously. It was only the one time, and nothing since. (L and I DTD again this morning, so I'm trying to remind myself if I spot in 2 days to RELAX).

Anyway, the U/S on Thursday was both sad and helpful. It confirmed that Baby B was gone :( He/she was still at 7 weeks. But Baby A was right on target, measuring 1.7 cm - 8w1d perfectly. The HB was 148.4bpm, which the PA said was fine, but I've been looking it up, and it seems slightly slow to me (the minimum I found for 8 weeks was 149). Now I'm a little worried about that.

But the picture was beautiful.

I don't know why, but that head is just the cutest thing to me. Whoa, I'm a crazy pregnant lady.

The last week my symptoms had lightened a little, and I assume it was because of Baby B, but the last two days, M/S has struck with a vengeance. Where the F did that come from? Don't get me wrong, I've had some all along, even vomiting a few times (not that much) but yesterday at 4pm it struck hard, and I crawled into my car at quitting time, drove home, and went to bed. Ugh. But awesome. Strong today too. I'm so ok with it.

Friday, May 6, 2011

I Should Be Happy...

...and I am, but part of me is not.

I had my first U/S yesterday at 7w1d. Hurray for making it that far without bleeding, right? Well, I again, had a little bit of pink on the tip of my Crinone stick, but besides that, nothing. And honestly, I'm coming to the conclusion that it always happens after I recently orgasmed. (Sorry for the TMI). Because other days, there's nothing.

Anyway, so U/S was yesterday and I was terrified. I actually did ok the night before, but my heart was pounding as we drove up to the office. My RE must think I have high blood pressure (and actually I have normal to low, normally!) because it's always in the 130s at his office.

(For comparison's sake, last week at the endocrinologist's office it was 100/70 - and at my cardiologists, it's been 87/46 before (yes, very low!) )

I was seriously almost hyperventilating by the time I got on to the examining table. I thought one of the PA's was going to do the U/S but I found out it was the RE himself and my heart sank. Mostly because his bedside manner is just not the best and he would not break bad news to me gently, like everyone else would.

Anyway, he started the U/S and I could barely breathe. I shut my eyes and just kept thinking over and over again, "I love you God, I love you God." I honestly am not all that a religious person (and my faith has been severely tested in the last few years and has not really survived anywhere close to intact) so it surprised me that that is where I went, but I'm glad I did. It shows me that I haven't given up all hope after all.

The RE said he wouldn't say a word until the end so I didn't need to wonder if that was good or bad (that helped immensely!) but rather quickly he was saying, "So, how many did we put back?" I replied, "Two," rather shakily because all of a sudden I had visions of triplets, which with my heart would NOT be a good thing. Then he says, "And how do you feel about having two babies?" And my heart leapt for one second with joy. Then he said, "We've got two sacs here," and all I replied was (damn, I'm cynical), "Sacs don't mean anything. Are there heartbeats?"

Then he got more quiet and I could feel him shifting the U/S wand around gently, like trying to tune an old-fashioned radio.

"Baby A definitely has a heart beat." I questioned him on the size and how fast it was ("appropriate size and heartbeat" according to him.)

Ok seriously, do they not know me at all? I don't accept "appropriate" - I want numbers! Heartbeat was 134bpm, perfect! Later on he told me it was measuring 6w5d (2 days earlier, but well within the margin for error).

He then admitted he wasn't sure he could find Baby B's heartbeat. He pushed the monitor towards me and I sat up and looked and I thought I could see it occasionally, but he thought it might be my own heartbeat. And he showed me Baby A's heartbeat, which was very obvious.

However Baby B is measuring close in size to Baby A, so if Baby B didn't make it, it had "just" happened. :( I don't know why that hurt more than if baby B had died 2 weeks ago.

He did say that if Baby B were the only embryo in me and they were having that difficult a time finding the heart beat and I wanted a D&C, they would insist on waiting another week just to make sure. So, while he thinks Baby B isn't viable, I really have to wait and see.

But, so far, Baby A looks wonderful! I really am so grateful and ecstatic about Baby A, but my heart breaks at the same time for Baby B. I had/have twins. As soon as I can scan my U/S pic I'll post it because they were right next to each other, sharing a wall. I've seen other twin sacs, but apart, not together like this. Already they were siblings, already they were together.

It breaks my heart.

I guess this is the time to say, if you haven't figured it out already, this blog is moving on from being primarily infertility, and onto pregnancy after infertility. I really think my view of this whole pregnancy will be colored by the infertility glasses I'm not sure I will ever be able to remove, but I totally understand if you choose not to read this (and if you read this far, appreciate that you even did once pregnancy was mentioned). I know how many blogs I stopped reading once the blogger got pregnant. I just want to say thank you.