I Think I'm Done

I feel done with jumping through hoops. I HATE our social worker. How can she be so judgmental about two people who've never done anything bad in their whole lives?

I called back on Monday and said that she could speak to our infertility counselor any time she wanted and we really wanted this to take place on Thursday as planned. She hemmed and hawed saying she didn't have the release saying so. I told her it would be at the adoption agency on Tuesday, so they could tell her they received it. She said she needed it in her hands. What is this? Does she not trust the adoption agency (for whom she works? If not, why is she working for them?) But I told her fine, I would bring over a copy of the release if she really needed to see it. At that point she basically told me to calm down, she understood my anxiety but she wasn't going to move any faster and to just deal with it.

WTF? She doesn't understand my anxiety at all. If she did she would understand that we have been waiting for years for a child, and her putting this off just adds to that. Don't you think we want a baby? And the longer you keep us waiting for no reason just makes us more anxious! We have done everything possible to keep this moving and on schedule. It seems to me like she had made plans for Thursday and didn't want to tell us, because why couldn't she have worked with us to actually do it on Thursday if she got the info on time?

I had called my counselor that day to ask if she would send over the release to the agency. And bless her, she did. She faxed it to the adoption agency on Monday (even though they were going to get a hard copy in the mail on Tuesday.)

I get two phone messages this morning, one from the SW, one from our infertility counselor. The one from the SW says she spoke to our IF counselor last night and she wants to reschedule our appt. for next week. The one from the IF counselor says she spoke to the SW last night and thinks everything is on track and that both she and the SW think it's best if L and I come in to see the IF counselor tomorrow night at 6pm (when our homestudy was supposed to be) and the SW will do the home visit NEXT Thursday at 7pm (when our next IF counseling session is supposed to be).

I'll be honest - I was/am livid. What is wrong with this Thursday!?!?! That was the date we originally had planned! Our SW spoke with our IF counselor ahead of the home visit, so why can't this continue as planned? Or Friday night? Or Monday night? I feel like the SW isn't working with us at all.

I feel like I've worked my ASS off to get everything in, all the i's dotted and t's crossed, and no one wants to work with me. I feel this is all because of the fact we see a counselor and I HATE the SW's judgment. I wish we had never seen my IF counselor and I think it is so wrong that the SW has made me feel that way. One would think you would want your adoptive parents to see one so you know they have dealt/are dealing with the issues regarding infertility/loss/grief that come with this whole process, but instead I feel like I'm being made to feel like I'm going to be a "bad parent" because of this.

I know it's only one more week, but I've had it. Why am I doing this? To be made to feel like crap? I can't take it anymore. I'm ready to walk away.I don't want anything more to do with this SW, and I'm just going to need to have more contact with her. I can't do it. I'm done.

ETA: I still want to know why our SW needed to talk to my counselor but didn't need to talk to my cardiologist. Why was a letter from my cardiologist good enough, but not one from my counselor? It seems like everything I ever said to the counselor can now be held against me, and at the time I was talking with her about those things, I thought it was a safe, confidential place I could express my feelings (not all which were rational at the time, but I was upset). Now it doesn't feel like a safe place anymore, and I can't go back, even though I liked my counselor very much.