Thursday, December 30, 2010

I Just Couldn't

I just couldn’t post last week. I was so angry.  I just didn’t have the words.  I still don’t. Maybe one day I’ll be able to recap what happened, but today is not that day.

The crux of the matter is: I was unable to have the surgery done. I am no farther along than I was in November.  I lost a day and a half of work for no reason. K lost a day.  The hospital is looking into what happened. I want to be recompensed for the time I lost. I doubt they’ll do that, but you better believe with words like “It was unacceptable what happened, it was all our fault” I will be fighting tooth and nail for it.

I am moving ahead with IVF. Not having had a lap done, not having an injectible IUI done, because of this.

How did it come to IVF? Two years later, this is where I am.

I’m so glad 2010 is over.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Surgery is tomorrow. I’m scared.

It’s my first non-cardiac surgery. It’s so not that big a deal. It’s laprascopic, for pete’s sake.

But it’s also the first surgery not done by heart specialists.  I’m not scared of the surgery itself. I’m scared that people who aren’t used to heart patients will give me too much anesthesia or not enough oxygen or something.

I’m not saying this is rational. I have no idea if the amount of anesthesia I get is more or less than “normal” people.  I’m just scared.

It’ll be over by this time tomorrow and I’ll be home, hopefully.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Prepping for Surgery

Yesterday, I had one hell of a morning.

First, CD3 b/w and meeting with my RE for a pre-op appt.  Then, we raced back to see our counselor. Then I had pre-op testing at the hospital.

I’d been dreading it all week. It was really stressing me out.  Luckily, DH was coming with me for all of it. I told him the night before we had to get up at 5:30am to get to our first appt. on time.  That forewarning was needed, as he has a difficult time getting up in the morning.

Of course, 4am rolled around and DH wakes me up with his snoring.  I shook him lightly to turn over so that I could fall back asleep. Around that time, I determine that I can get away with getting up at 6am instead, and I reset my alarm for that.

For the first time in his life, I think, DH actually got up at 5:30am. So impressed.  I didn’t get up till 6am, but I’m really glad he got up earlier, as by the time I got up he’d barely brushed his teeth.  We were out of the house by a quarter to 7am and headed for the RE’s office 1/2 an hour away.

We got there 15 minutes before my appt. because I had to be out of there by 8:30am at the latest to make it back close to home to go to the therapist.

So we waited, and waited. I’m starting to freak out because this whole day is going to domino badly if we’re late for anything.  At 7:55am we STILL hadn’t been seen.  K goes off to find someone.
When I’m just about to burst into tears, finally another nurse comes into the room to do my U/S. She hurriedly moves through it, then sends me off to get the b/w done before we see the RE.  We’re actually out of there (U/S, b/w AND RE appt.) by 8:15am! Awesome.

Head back home and split up into two cars (since we were going to have to go separately to work later) and get to the therapist on time, then leave the therapist’s office only 5 min late. Another score!
I had no idea where we were going for the hospital and when I looked it up on the GPS, the directions didn’t make any sense. But DH took control and told me to follow him, which made me so much less stressed. We arrived right on time, gave the cars to the free valet and easily found pre-op testing.
I had an EKG and more bloodwork taken, and we met with the nurse for an interview over my medical history.  Then we were told my RE had ordered a chest x-ray.

I balked. I didn’t understand why I needed to have one.  I’m having surgery on my uterus, not my heart.  I’ve had so many chest xrays and radiation in my life, I just didn’t want to have anything unncessary done.  The nurse called my RE’s office to find out why, and was told by the nurses that he ordered one so I had to have one.  Well, that pissed me off.  I wanted to know the medical reason. If it was somehow needed for anesthesia or something, fine, I would definitely do it, but I didn’t see how it was.

I finally got a hold of one nurse who talked to the RE and said that if I talked to anesthesia and they said I didn’t need one then it was ok.  A quick two second talk with anesthesia proved me right, it wasn’t necessary. So we were done!

A long morning, but one that was made so much more less stressful by DH driving me to my first appt. then leading the way to the hospital and, of course, being with me every step of the way.

Surgery is scheduled for next Tuesday afternoon now and I’m dreading it. It’s my first non-cardiac surgery and I’m just scared they’re going to do something wrong because I don’t trust them as much as my cardiologist.  I’m also afraid they’re going to end up making me stay the night just because they’re scared of my heart and scared to let me go.

In good news however, my CD3 b/w came back quiet so I started taking BCP last night. As I took my first pill I looked at DH and said, this seems so counterintuitive to everything we’ve been trying to do. But it will save a cycle for me so I hope this works!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Another CD1

AF came with a vengeance this morning.  All righty then.

I had my monthly breakdown with DH last night.  At least once a month he’s picking up my pieces.  Then he took me out for martinis and pad thai, which made things almost better.  Almost.

And today, I’m not falling apart (yet).  My IUI injectibles are on their way to me, to be picked up Friday.  I have my CD 3 b/w scheduled for Thursday, and my “permission slip” to give so I can start taking BCP Thursday night.

I did check with my new (not really liked) IVF nurse Jen. It turns out that we’re NOT waiting for me to get another period before starting my IUI injectible cycle.  Awe-freaking-some.  When I stop taking BC after my surgery, I can start doing injectibles and continue my cycle.  So I’m really happy about that and hope it works out.

I now have fears that I will respond so incredibly well to injectibles that I will have eleventy billion follicles and have to either convert to an IVF (for which I don’t have insurance) or have to sit out the cycle altogether.  My imagination runs incredibly wild.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Another 2WW

9DPIUI, 11DPT.  Don’t feel nearly as sick as last month, which is a good thing I guess.  Of course, it’s still only 9dpo, and I didn’t start feeling “pregnant” until 11dpo last month.

So far, I don’t feel much of anything, with the exception of a bothersome stomach.  That’s likely because of the trigger shot and/or progesterone though.

I want to test, not because I think I would see anything even if I were pregnant, but because I want to know if the trigger is out of my system. But, I don’t want to waste the money, so I will continue to wait.

Too bad I’m totally obsessively thinking about it every second of the day. Man, I don’t know why I can’t make myself NOT think about it.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Plan

Not being on any meds this month is doing wonders for my emotional state.  Sure, I still get upset, I’m still bitter, I still wish I had gotten my lap last month as planned or done a med cycle, but I’ve stopped temping and I’m enjoying it.

I will not enjoy it next Weds. when I get AF however. And yes, before you ask (not that “you’re” asking of course, but the invisible “you” in my head, apparently) we did try. So yes, it’s technically possible.  But don’t be like my now pregnant officemate who keeps telling me to stop being a sourpuss because maybe I’m pregnant.  Shut it, chica. Just because you’re pregnant after 2 months doesn’t mean that magically I will be after all this time.  Yea, I know all about the stories where cousin A or Aunt B quit trying and decided to adopt and wham! got pregnant that very month, but have you met me? That kind of stuff doesn’t happen in my life.

I do now, vaguely, have a plan going forward. It’s not crystallized yet, but it’s more crystallized than it was even a few days ago.

You’ll (again with that invisible “you”. I have no idea who I’m talking to here) recall that my new insurance that covers IVF (but not much else; it’s going to be a beast) doesn’t start until January 20th. I’m due to get AF on December 15th.  Which means that on a “normal” month, I would likely not get AF again until January 19th. (I have longer cycles, on a good month.)

Sounds perfect right?

Except next month isn’t a normal month. Because my RE royally effed up my surgery scheduling last month I’m due to get my lap done on 12/21. Now, every time I have any medical procedure whatsoever, my body freaks out, and refuses to ovulate for eleventybillion days.

Me: WTF is wrong with you? It’s CD45. Can you please ovulate so I can get on with my life and possibly have a baby before I’m 50 years old?

Body: STFU. No.

Which most likely means I won’t get my period till the end of February.
Oh hell no.  Not doing it.

Now, I’ve learned my lesson with my RE’s office. I trusted them to do their job and didn’t “manage” them like I do most doctors (which is very anally, since they very rarely do what they’re supposed to do).  And I got burned. So no more.  I called to find out how I could get IVF scheduled ASAP after 1/20/11 so I didn’t “waste” any more time.

RE’s office: Well, you can’t start any cycle until after 1/20 so even if you get your period on 1/19/11 I’m sorry you’re SOL until the next one.

Me: Um, that can’t be right. You can’t work with me on this?

RE’s office: Well, maybe. You should talk to your nurse.

So I call up Cayce, and the conversation with HER goes something like this:

Me: Hi Cayce, is there any way we might be able to start me off on an IVF cycle if I get AF a few days before Jan. 20th?

Cayce: Um, I dunno. You need to talk to the IVF Coordinator Jen.  But you can’t talk to her until you take the IVF orientation class.

Me: Ok, well, can I sign up?

Cayce: Sure. That’ll be $50.

Me: What? Ok….when is the next one?

Cayce: Um…one tomorrow. One in three weeks. But they get cancelled often.

Me: *(#&$%%#((%&(&#^&@)!!!! Ok, please sign me up.

So DH and I went to the session yesterday, with two other couples and 1 single lady (or at least she didn’t come with a partner).

I have to say, it’s kind of nice being with people in the same situation as we are.  I mean, I don’t know if it’s the same situation.  Maybe they have male factor, or high FSH or something – something more than what we have, which is nothing, as of this moment in time, but all of us want a baby and none of us have one.  Wow, I really think misery is company, huh?

We sat through an hour and half of the IVF coordinator who looked to be close to my age, but spoke like she was in high school. I wanted to kill her.

Coordinator: Well, like, then you take the shot, and then, like, you like, just have to chill because like, you have to have patience.

Fuck you lady. You have no idea what patience is until you’ve been at this for two years.

Then we got 45 minutes of the RE giving us the minute by minute walkthrough and telling us horror stories.

RE: So this doesn’t happen often, but there is the possibility your ovaries, which are the size of walnuts normally, could swell to the size of basketballs.

You think I’m kidding you? I shit you not. He actually said that.

Well, on that happy note, DH and I went out for Chipotle to make up for it.

So today I called the Coordinator, Jen.  I still can’t stand her. But we’ve worked this plan out:

1. AF comes on 12/15.
2. Go in for CD3 b/w. Start taking birth control pill.
3. Surgery 12/21.
4. Stop taking BCP 12/23.
5. AF comes again within a few days(does it work like that?? I might need to call back and make sure of that) and I start a new cycle. Bwahaha! I have foiled my eleventy billion day cycle!
Now, my insurance won’t kick in till 1/20. But rather than waste the time, start doing injectables. Do IUI (it apparently has double the “success rate” as IUI with Clomid OR Femara. If that doesn’t work, we’ll be past 1/20 and can start doing IVF.

I wanted to come as close to 1/20 as I could. I think this will put me a few days past it, but in return, I get another cycle, after the lap. I hope the lap will do the trick, personally.

Now I just have to hope AF comes quickly after stopping BC. I’m not sure it will.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Where I Am Today

Since April, I’ve been on multiple fertility drugs, luteal support drugs, IUI’s, etc.

April 2010 – Clomid, TI, progesterone –  BFP, M/C

May 2010 – Clomid, TI, HCG, progesterone -BFN

June 2010 – Clomid, Estrogen, TI, progesterone – BFN

July 2010 – Tamoxifen, Estrogen, Transfallopian Catheterization, TI, progesterone – BFN

August 2010 – Letrazole, HCG, IUI, progesterone – BFN

September 2010 – IUI, progesterone – BFN

October 2010 – Letrazole, HCG, IUI, progesterone – BFN

November 2010 – nothing….BFN

December – laparascopic surgery

Suffice it to say, I’m still in the same place today than I was in April.

This makes me incredibly sad. 2010 was not my year either. Just like 2008 and 2009 weren’t.

I pray to God 2011 is my year.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Surgery is canceled. Someone screwed up and didn’t realize I needed a cardiac anesthetist. By the time they realized it, the hospital I was going to have the surgery at, told them they cannot do it bc they don’t have a cardiac anesthetist. They tried to get be into a different one, but were unable to. (obviously, since it’s Thanksgiving week)

I am nowhere close to ovulating. Maybe an 11 mm. follicle, but it might be a cyst. They took bloodwork this morning to find out.

I feel barren and hopeless.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Oh, It Gets Worse

I’ve been waiting for open enrollment, which I’ve been told is November, since January of this year, so I could switch plans to get on one that covers IVF.

I thought I needed open enrollment to switch.  I thought if I signed up in open enrollment, then my plan would start January 1st, and I could do IVF that cycle.

I spoke with my HR dept. on the phone a month ago to check if this was the case. They assured me it was.
It’s almost December and I’ve been waiting for open enrollment, but haven’t heard anything about it. So I emailed HR this morning and they told me that even with open enrollment, I need to wait 5 payperiods + 1 day to be eligible for coverage. Open enrollment is if you already have coverage but want to switch plans. Since I’m not on any state plan currently, I have to join and wait the “penalty time.”

But the thing is, I could have done that at any point this year. February, June, whenever. I could have been doing IVF THIS MONTH if I had done it earlier.

I could have signed up for coverage when I asked them, but they gave me wrong info which kept me waiting for open enrollment. So I just signed up today, but having to wait the penalty period means I can’t do IVF before 1/20/2011.

Why the fuck can nothing go right for me?????

I swear to God I can’t take much more of this.


My surgery is Weds. I don’t want it at all. I know it’s nothing compared to OHS, but I just don’t want anymore pain.

 I want to try this month.  I wish i could do IVF. I wish I didn’t have to wait until January for it.

My coworker – who is honestly one of my closest friends, is pregnant. She hasn’t POAS yet, but she’s late and she has all the signs. I just want to curl up in a little ball and die.

She made the mistake of saying out loud that she wishes she wasn’t. That it happened next month instead.  I love her, but want to strangle her.

She doesn’t even care this month if she’s pregnant and she has everything I wanted.  For two years now I’ve wanted to be able to tell everyone at Christmas that I’m pregnant.

I hate my life.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Look At That

What did I tell you? Not 1/2 an hour later, and I have my results.  Cayce apologized for the delay saying the hospital didn’t have enough blood (for my pre-op testing) and that’s why it took so long.  Great.


Sometimes love just ain’t enough.

Waiting for the Call

I had my beta done at 8:30am.  It’s now 3:15pm and no one has bothered to call me with the results. At 2pm I called and left a message for Cayce, asking her to please call me sooner rather than later because I’m having a tough time.  Alas, no call.

I’m hoping by posting this, they’ll call.  Life seems to work that way for me.

I know I’m not PG. Temps went down today and while AF hasn’t started yet, I know it’s coming. And yet, not having AF yet stupid me keeps holding out the tiniest bit of hope, all the while knowing I’m just setting myself up for even more tears.

Why do I do this to myself?

But then again, I think, why can’t my temp have totally plummeted below the coverline? Why can’t AF already have started? Why couldn’t the RE have called me earlier?

Why do things need to be so GD difficult?!?!?!

Ok, just venting.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


B/W tomorrow. Thank God. A 4th day of the same temps. I didn’t test, but the temp. not going down is just making me hold out hope for something that most likely will not come.  I’d almost rather it have plummeted today instead.

Monday, November 8, 2010


I am crushed again.  BFN on 14dpo.  I even managed to not POAS until today.  I didn’t even want to because I was dreading a white stick, but I knew I needed to so I wouldn’t be completely caught off guard when I get the b/w done on Weds.

I wish I didn’t have to work. I have off for Veteran’s Day and I already took off Friday, which is good, but I wish I could just go home.  My coworker who I share an office with (and is also one of my best friends) is on vacation, but I FB’d her this morning since she wanted to know. It’s good, because I don’t have to talk a lot or anything, but work is kind of slow and all it does is give me more time to think.

My temps have been the same for the last 3 days straight. I thought for sure that was a good sign, but I was obviously wrong.  Every month I’m “so sure” and am always wrong.

Well, that’s it for the year.  No more trying.  Surgery is scheduled and that’ll take me out through the end of December.

I just don’t think this is fair.  Haven’t I had enough surgery in my life? Haven’t things been difficult enough for me? Why can’t I just catch a break?

Sometimes I just think God really hates me.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Lap Scheduled

My lap right now is scheduled for 11/23, a couple of days before Thanksgiving.  Not a bad time all things considered. I’ll take off from Tuesday on if needed.

They wanted to schedule it 11/16, but unfortunately I will be out of town for work.  Seriously, this is the first time in 3 years I’ve gone out of town for work and look how it conflicts. I asked for 11/19 (because then I’d only need to take 1 day off of work and be back on Monday, but he already has 3 surgeries scheduled that day. She said she’ll ask him if he can do one more, as those 3 are supposedly quick, but we’ll see.  For now, 11/23 is the day.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

IUI #3

Wow, just realized I never posted about it. I’m 9dpo right now, so it’s long over. This one hurt a little bit, not sure why.

We met with the RE a couple days after that.  Because last month was so screwed up (The follicle being at 21mm on CD 3 or whatever) and because I didn’t take fertility meds, he doesn’t count that as an IUI cycle.  Despite the fact that I actually HAD an IUI, and took progesterone.

That annoys me, and I’m not sure why.  So I’m technically only on my second IUI cycle according to him.  Pfft.

I can see why that IUI might not have worked. I’m not sure I had good, working follicle, or even if I ovulated.  That makes me feel better since I didn’t get PG. But to me, I’m on IUI#3.

We talked about next steps. Basically, the whole gamut is in front of me. I can take the most conservative approach or the most agressive approach.

Conservative would be: next month start injectible fertility meds and continue to do IUIs. (This will give me a lot more follicles than I normally get, which is scary). Might be so many they would not want to do an IUI but convert to IVF. Otherwise, do injectibles, then have a laparascopy done to see if I really do have endometriosis.  After doing several months of that, then go to IVF.

Most agressive would be to go to IVF next month.

But I am also a practical person. My open enrollment for insurance starts this month, with insurance becoming effective in January. Right now I’m on DH’s insurance which is AWE.SOME. but doesn’t cover IVF. Covers unlimited IUIs though.  If i had my insurance through work, it covers IVFs (up to $50K, which I think would cover 3 IVF tries) but I have more copays and stuff for the IUIs and IVF.

I really don’t want to switch my job’s insurance. I love DH’s. So far, it’s covered EVERYTHING.  But we talked and made a decision that we will do the following.

If we don’t get PG this month (and of course, I’m not holding my breath), then I will have the lap done next cycle.  No injectible fertility meds. Because the doctor said that if we had NYS insurance he would skip injectibles and just do IVF). He didn’t know that I will be switching to NYS insurance.  Besides if I were to do injectibles next cycle and then need to convert to an IVF, what would I do since I wouldn’t be covered?
So, have the lap done, which will take out this next cycle and probably the next as well, since I ALWAYS have a super long cycle whenever I have any medical procedure done. That will get me to January 2011, at which point my new insurance will be effective and we can start IVF.

I can’t believe I’m talking about January 11. Which means I may very well not have a baby in 2011.  I can’t believe it could be 2012 before I have a child in my arms. I am so fucking old. I will be 34 in October 2012.  K and I got married when I was 28.

Friday, October 22, 2010

CD 10

Follicle check and b/w today. Finished Femara yesterday.

I have one follicle on my left that’s 23.5 mm, nothing on my right. Sounds about right (if a little early), since I had a right-sided follicle last month.

Tomorrow evening K will give me the trigger shot. IUI #3 will be Monday morning.

I honestly can’t believe it’s my 3rd IUI already.  It’s not even November yet.  Didn’t I just get my first?
I’m staying positive today (even though I don’t really believe it inside). LOL, I guess that’s not positive.
This month it will happen. This month it will happen. This month it will happen.

I hope.

Monday, October 18, 2010

No Title

I don’t know what to write. I am seeing a counselor on Thursday. I know all I will do is cry. I don’t think it will do much because I’m just one big self-pitier.

My LP only lasted 13 days last cycle. That was a total surprise. I knew AF was coming but since I’ve started tracking, almost 2 years at this point, I’ve had a 15 day LP EVERY. Single. Time. With the exception of the month after my first miscarriage – it was ony 8 days – hormones were totally nutso.

So I’m *guessing* that last cycle,with the follicle being 21mm at CD 5, and Oing either CD 8, 10, or 11 (still not positive) my hormones/body was really screwed up, and possibly a reason why I didn’t get pregnant – the egg or the hormones were just too wacky.

Whatever, I gotta tell myself something, even if it’s probably not true.

I had my CD3 b/w on Friday, and they told me I had a 12mm cyst. At this point, I don’t believe them with cysts anymore. If my b/w had been off, they would have told me though, so since they didn’t call me, I started taking Femara again Friday night.

The first month on Femara I had a 13 mm cyst on CD2, and when I came back a week later had an 18mm follicle. so I’m hoping this is similar this month. Of course, I hope it doesn’t screw me up for next cycle.
I meet again with  my RE on October 26th. At that point, I’m presuming the next step will be IVF. Unfortunately, my current insurance under DH doesn’t cover it, so I will have to switch to my own insurance through my job in November, and it’s not effective until January. So we’ll have to wait until January to do IVF. Sigh…

I guess we’ll just keep doing IUIs in the meantime.

I’m trying DESPERATELY to get my mind onto other things, any thing. I’ve pretty much stopped reading the WW board, because I just get bombarded with TTC/baby, whatever. I change the channel when POAS commercials or anything related to pregnancy comes on (Jesus H. Christ there are so many!) …FB has gotten a little better. I don’t know if people are more cognizant or block me from pictures or what, but it’s not so painful anymore.

I’m starting an online business in a few weeks, selling my homemade detergent and other things.
We put in a contingent offer on that 9 acre home yesterday. We offered $100K less than they were asking, but after doing comps with our realtor, realized they were asking a ridiculous amount. I still think they’ll be pissed and say no, but we had to try. If we could end up with the house for less than we bought our condo for, that would be FREAKING AWESOME.

So lots of things happening…we’ll see.

I want a new house so I can get a dog.

I’m so random.

And I guess I found stuff to write about.

Thursday, September 30, 2010


Compared to all the trips I took last year to Boston, yesterday was fairly uneventful.  Strange, but in a good way.

No matter how early we seem to leave, we never seem to make it on time. Hit traffic (after rush hour) on the way into Boston which made us about 15 min. late. K dropped me off in front before finding a parking spot and I made my way to the surgery intake, bc…well that’s all I ever did last year.  Ha, apparently for a regular doctor appt. you don’t have to go there.  Whoops :) I haven’t had a “regular” appt. in more than a year and a half!

Up at the office I checked in and filled out new paperwork as to which meds I’m on. Ugh, had to fill out all the fertility drugs I’ve been on in the last year.  Then got called for height and weight. I tried to refuse getting my weight taken – I’m 20lbs up from surgery and Dr. Mike had told me to lose weight last time he saw me so that wasn’t going to anyway.  The technician is like, “Don’t worry, only you and the Dr. will see.”  I said to her, “That’s exactly what I don’t want to happen!” She asked, “What, are you afraid he’s going to yell at you?”  “Yes,” I replied.  (Not that Dr. Mike yells, of course, but I just didn’t want to HEAR it.

Had my echo, and the two women doing it seemed totally incompetent. They couldn’t find my pulmonary artery.  Considering that’s what I had surgery FOR, it seemed suspect.  But that hospital is so so cool, they had a tv right next to my bed and put on Sweet Home Alabama for me while they did the test. AWE-SOME.

Then did my EKG and saw Disty, Dr. Mike’s PA. I don’t know if she rubbed off on him or he rubbed off on her, but she is another great one. I talked with her all about IVF and stuff and she thought that I might need to take some diuretics but otherwise was fine.  Then Dr. Mike came in, talking as he walked in saying, “I’m not going to yell at you Michelle.” So thanks technician, for telling him I said that!

We talked a little while about fertility stuff and IVF and what might need to happen, and Disty tried to get me to do the stress test again if I wanted to.  I told her I didn’t want to and Dr. Mike said, “Good, no stress test.  Disty likes to get people to do these all the time, and I just don’t get it,” in a total joking way. To which Disty replied, “I actually would like it every day, but I just keep getting told people have lives!” It was pretty funny.

Then they told me I had a V/Q lung scan next to do.  The lung scan is when they hook you up to an IV and run some radioactive tracer through you to show the blood circulation through the lungs (which get their blood from the heart, and again, what my surgery was about).  I hesitated and asked if there was any problem doing that if there was any possibility I was pregnant (and yes, I know it would be super early and odds are I’m not even pregnant anyway but I just don’t want to ruin anything) and again Disty asked what medical procedure I had done. I told her IUI and she had no idea, and I was about to explain when Dr. Mike jumped in and pointed to his stomach (which honestly, was really funny considering he doesn’t have the plumbing at all) and said, “Nope, we’re not going to do that one today either.”

So, I was done.  They have however, signed me up for all these tests to do next year, PLUS a cMRI, which I thought I couldn’t get. I remember when I was pregnant the first time and they did one, it was the one time I ever saw Dr. Mike PISSED because Columbia (my first hospital) had put in coils that blocked the MRI machine from seeing anything.  K tells me it’s because they needed to know how my lung anatomy was and there was no other way at that time to see it, and Disty says they want to see the heart, not the lungs next time.  I don’t get it, but I trust they know what they’re doing.

O2 sats were 97%!!! At home my machine also reads that but it’s not the super professional medical one they have at the hospital so I was wondering how accurate it was. (K’s also read 97% and he was sorta pissed I was the same as him :) )

Anyway, this was really boring and pointless, but it’s reassuring at the same time.

And he didn’t yell at me, but he got his point across anyway.  Bleh.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

IUI #2... over.  Went even better than the first. No pain whatsoever.

K’s sample was huge, according to the nurse. LOL, he liked hearing that. 405 MILLION?!?! Last time is was 220M, which was still more than enough. All you need is 20M.

I go to see Dr. Mike tomorrow in Boston. First time in a year. I can’t believe it’s been about a year since my last cath! I’m not looking forward to it of course, I always thought that i’d be pregnant the next time I saw him.

I got the automated confirmation call last night and then the receptionist calls me at 9am to tell me they want to add a stress test onto all the other tests tomorrow.  Why all of a sudden?

And, I called them back to say no.  Stress tests are meant to max you out, and I don’t want to max myself out the day after an IUI.  I told the receptionist I couldn’t due to a medical procedure, and she wanted to know what kind. Bleh, so I told her and then asked if I could come back just for the stress test. she apparently thought I wanted to reschedule everything, so she said she was going to talk to PA (Disty, I presume) and get back to me.  Maybe if they’re insistent on the stress test, I will.  I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with me, it’s just a check up, and the only real reason I wanted to see Dr. Mike was to discuss whether I can do IVF if it’s needed. Like I had to double check about taking estrogen. I’d prefer to do it in person because it gives me more time, but if they want to reschedule I’ll just ask if he can call me.

Man, I saw Dr. Mike so much all last year I miss him! I would like to see him again, but I’m not doing a stress test. I don’t even know if it would really do anything, but when I’m not pregnant October 14th I don’t want to think it’s because of the stress test, you know?

Monday, September 27, 2010

CD 9

I went for more blood work and another U/S on CD 7, Saturday. I was seriously so scared of the answer.  The nurse who I saw that morning (before my results came back) also thought it was a cyst.  So I’d heard: CD 3 – cyst, CD 5- follicle, CD 7- cyst…and it was driving me nuts.

I didn’t get a call until late on Saturday.  It appears that I have completely thrown off these specialists, because the nurse told me that Dr. Horvath had looked at my chart – the head of the whole place.  My estrogen went up again, from 180 to 221, and they said I was having a dyssynchronous cycle (which is from what I can  tell, means “Out of Whack”). So glad they figured that out on their own!

So they told me to keep taking OPKs and call them if it became positive, or if I never ovulated and got AF, to call them to start again next cycle.

Wow, that was also so not very helpful.

Nonetheless, when I woke up the morning I had a positive OPK.

So I’m going to O on CD10. Craziness. I will have gotten to ovulate twice this month. Sometimes I don’t even ovulate once every two months!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

CD 5

I’m still in limbo over my RE appt. this morning, even though I’m expecting a call any minute and pretty much know what the answer is.

The same woman who did my U/S on Tuesday did it today. On Tuesday she told me I had a 23 mm and a 13 mm cyst.  Today she says that I have a 21 mm follicle on my right side (same side as the cyst on Tuesday).

It’s like last cycle, but even more screwed up.  Or something.  I said to her, “Um, you told me 2 days ago it was a cyst. ” She says, “Well it looks like a follicle, but I guess we need to do bloodwork to see for sure.”

Honestly, if a cyst and a follicle look that much alike, this is so NOT an exact science.

Plus, lady, think about it. I’m on CD FIVE.  Without any meds so far this month.  My period isn’t even totally gone yet, and you think I have a 21mm follicle? That would mean I’d be ovulating in about 2-3 days…CD8? Yea, let’s think about this.

To be totally fair, she didn’t remember the size of the cyst I had on Tuesday but I do.  If I’d had a 15 mm cyst on Tuesday and she told me 21mm today, I might be convinced it could be a follicle. But follicles don’t decrease in size.  Only cysts can.

So anyway, she said she thought it was a follicle anyway, so I go into another nurse to get B/W done. And she says, “Looks like you have 2 cysts on your right side. So no meds.”

At which point I say, “Ok, which do I have? A cyst or a follicle?  Because the other lady just got through telling me she thought it was a follicle. Which, I think she’s probably wrong, but why did she say it was a follicle and then right down on the sheet you’re reading from that it’s a cyst.”

So she was totally confused and said they’d look at the B/W and call me.  This was at 8:30am, and it’s 2:30pm and I’m still waiting.  Although I’m 98% certain it’s a cyst (or two).

So I don’t know what they’ll do. They didn’t mention BC again.  They said they’d probably just monitor me and wait for me to O on my own.  Could be another looong cycle then, sigh.

In other news, DH called Cayce today to ask about counselors who specialize in infertility for me.  So I stop breaking down on him :) No, totally just kidding.  I’m glad.  I hope I can find someone who takes my insurance or something.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

This Sucks

I’m expecting my period tomorrow. I’m technically 16dpo today, but in reality I think I’m 15dpo, which would mean my period’s due tomorrow.

This sucks for a many reasons.
  1. DH gave me the trigger shot on Mon. 8/30.  It was supposed to make me ovulate on Weds. 9/1, the day I had my IUI. Sperm in IUI don’t live as long as regular sperm in regular sex, only 6-12 hours, so IUI has to be carefully timed with ovulation.  My luteal phase is always 15 days. I may take forever to ovulate, but once I do, it’s always exactly 15 days till I get AF.  Never been different in the 2 years I’ve been charting. Today is 16dpo, and normally when I should have gotten AF.  That would line up with my IUI date.  But no AF, though I’ve had 2 days of spotting (Which isn’t normal).  Which means, if I get AF tomorrow instead, I really didn’t O on my IUI day but the next day after, rendering my IUI totally useless. Don’t get me wrong, we DTD anyway the next day, but obviously we’ve been DTD for 20 months now and nothing’s worked.
  2. 9/2 was our anniversary.  If I O’d on 9/2 it would have been so nice to be pregnant this month because it’d be an anniversary baby.
My temps plummeted the last few days. I was honestly shocked I didn’t get AF today. perhaps the progesterone is keeping it away, but I would have thought it would keep my temps up and they are low.  I was supposed to go get bloodwork done at the RE today to get beta levels, but I canceled that yesterday thinking for sure I was going to get AF today and why waste the co-pay?  But now I regret it, since I could stop the progesterone if it was negative and let AF come. Now I’m afraid it’s a positive beta and will “kill” anything growing by stopping the progesterone.

Which is totally silly, especially because of my temps and I also POAS tonight.  BFN of course.  But I’m going to POAS tomorrow morning with FMU just to make totally sure. Even at 15dpo I’m pretty darn sure it would be a BFP by now if it were going to be, but of course I’m nervous. Blah.

I had a total breakdown last night and poor K had to pick up the pieces. I mean, hyperventilating, crying so hard my nose was so stuffed and I thought I might pass out because I couldn’t breathe. And honestly, I didn’t care. I wouldn’t have minded passing out to not have to deal with the pain for a little while, you know?

I think we’re going to start going forward on the adoption front. I NEED a baby. I don’t just want a baby, I need one. I guess we’ll keep doing other things in the meantime in hopes of getting pregnant, but at the end of the day, I want my baby, adopted or biological in our home.

If it wasn’t for my temps I would still hold out hope I was PG, but they are so far below my coverline it’s not even funny. Still tonight I POAS and it was BFN.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Why Won't This Work?

I’ve been sick as a dog the past few days, migraines, nausea, feeling generally like shit.  I don’t usually get migraines anymore (ever since I had my surgery) so it’s been strange.  Then yesterday my temperature plummeted. And today it plummeted again. I tested 13dpo and haven’t since, with the temp drops.  AF is due tomorrow and no doubt will be here right on schedule. Another month down the drain.

I am seriously getting panicked.  There is nothing “wrong” and yet even with IUI we can’t get pregnant? What the eff is going on here?  Something HAS to be wrong.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

IUI (#1??)

It’s done, IUI is complete. I’m back at work with some plastic bag-covered “sponge” stuck up my hooha and two tylenol in me.

It wasn’t so bad.  Worse for DH because he had to get up super early to get to the RE and do his thing into a plastic cup.  45 minutes later I was getting worried that he was having problems (because I think it would be hard for me to masturbate in a “public” place) when I checked my phone and saw he’d called 25 minutes earlier. Oh ok, not so hard for him then. LOL.

My IUI was at 11am and fairly straight forward. I was nervous about the catheter because it hurt so badly during my HSG and SHG.  I told Cayce (or Kayce, I can’t keep it straight) about it and luckily that was already in my chart so she knew.  She ran the speculum under hot water and I was thinking “Great, I won’t have this cold metal thing in me, it’ll be warm.” Well she started putting it in and I cried out, it was like burning metal searing my insides.  Not cool.  She took it out and ran cool water over it. Much better.

The catheter actually didn’t hurt when inserted, what a pleasant surprise.  Maybe since I’m ovulating and the cervix is more open, I’m guessing. It did hurt a bit when the semen was injected, but not much at all. Then she stuck the sponge thing up there and told me to lie and relax for 10 minutes, which I did.  That was it, I was back to work within the hour.

On my way back, my left ovary (or side) was cramping something FIERCE.  Maybe that was the actual ovulation? Who knows, but it was pretty darn painful, almost as bad as TOM.  But once I was back to work, it went away.

So…back into the 2ww I go. Haven’t seen a temperature rise yet but I’m hoping it comes tomorrow.  We shall see.  Countdown till Sept. 17th now.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010


No phone call yesterday, which means I guess I hadn’t started surging on my own.  DH picked up the Ovidrel that’s been sitting at my OB’s office for the last 4 months at lunch time yesterday, so at 6:30pm he brought it out.  He wanted me to do an OPK beforehand to see if my surge started, but I had just peed 2 hours before and I’ve decided to trust the RE this month completely in whatever they want to do. And they didn’t say to do another OPK before the shot.

So I vetoed that idea and he started to get the shot ready. Which means, he had to find some alcohol, tissues (we are woefully out of cotton balls and have been for some time) and take the cap off the needle. Ovidrel is pre-loaded, you don’t have to attach the needle yourself or draw up the liquid yourself – THANK GOD.  I don’t know if we could have handled it.  But I’m sure we will, when needed.

Stupid me, I asked him if he was scared about giving it. I mean, I don’t think I could ever give a needle to myself or anyone else if asked.  But DH has given injections to one of our cats before, so he had said he could do it.  Still a cat vs. human, he said he was a little scared.

Big mistake, DH, big mistake. When I ask if you’re scared, or worried about something that I’m clearly scared or worried about, say NO.  Lie to me if you must, I’m ok with that. Just pretend and tell me it will all be fine and it’s no big deal.

Of course, that made me even more nervous.  I started googling how to give yourself an injection on the Internet, and finally DH just told me to get on the bed and lie down.  I pulled down the top of my pants to give him uninterrupted access, and he swabbed an alcohol-infused tissue over my lower abdomen.  I grabbed his wrist as he went to give it, and honestly for one second, I really thought I couldn’t go through with it.

In the next second I scoffed to myself that I have taken many many injections (and more) and I was being ridiculous, but there’s something about a non-medically trained person giving you and injection that gives you pause.  I closed my eyes, I couldn’t look.  He grabbed hold of my belly fat (and trust me there’s plenty) and it was done.  Really simple, I was a total baby for even worrying about it, but oh well.

It didn’t burn going in, but for a few minutes after I got up and walked around I could feel the location of the needle prick burning.  Nothing else after that though.

And now we wait.  I’m a bit afraid I’m ovulating today, instead of tomorrow, but what are you going to do?  At least we have TI if it really is today (not that it’s been doing us much good in the past).
I can’t believe I’m already nearly in the 2ww. I feel like the time just flew from the last one.

Monday, August 30, 2010

It's Go Time

I did OPKs all this weekend, and even this morning, even though I had a follicle check at 9am.  All negative.  Bah. So I went for my follicle check, hoping against hope that it wasn’t a fluke, that my 18 didn’t turn out to be a cyst after all, or that my follicle quit growing.

Nope, almost 24 today. I should be getting a surge any moment now.  They took blood again to see if it’s started, and if not, I’m to go ahead and give myself the trigger shot at 6:30pm tonight.  Or rather, DH will, as I cannot give myself needles.  I can take any needle you give me, just can’t do it myself.  Then, IUI is scheduled for Wednesday if it hasn’t started, or will be tomorrow I think, if it has.

I will “O” on CD 14, this means – textbook perfect.  I haven’t O’d on CD14 since the month after I went off BC, the month DH and I first got pregnant.

And it will be way in advance of this weekend.  Hurray!!

Friday, August 27, 2010


Cayce (Kayce?) …blah, whoever, the nurse filling in for Ali while she’s out just called me. They reviewed my bloodwork and ultrasound and don’t think it’s a cyst, they think it’s a follicle.  WHAT?!?! That’s me jumping for joy over here. It’s CD9 and I’m at 18?  CD FREAKING NINE?!?!
I O on my own around 22-24, that’s only 2-3 more days! WAY before Labor Day weekend.

Even if I slow down a bit, it should still happen before Labor Day weekend.

Femara, I love you.

Follicle Check - Take 1

I finished taking the Femara last night.  7 days of that vs. 5 days of Clomid, I’m not a fan. Plus I had headaches every single day.  But, it’s over.

Went in for my first follicle check this morning at the RE.  Right side, one follicle, size 10mm.  Ok, I thought, that’s not bad. For CD 9, I’ll definitely take it. Problem is, I’m most likely going to O over next weekend while we’re away then. Grr…

Then, on my left side…size 18.  What?  The technician thinks it might be a cyst, which makes sense.  I had two big follicles last month and know I O’d from my right side, which means the left one never did, and probably turned into a cyst. The thing is, I had a U/S last Friday and it was mentioned I had a small cyst on my left, but nothing this size.

So I also had bloodwork done and they’ll call me later to tell me what the plan is.  I don’t think it’ll affect anything if it is a cyst, but man do I wish I had a real follicle that was already a size 18!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

In the Running

Today I got crosshairs. Rarely have I ever been so excited for them.  They mean nothing in the long run, still a full two weeks before I know anything, but I’m excited.  Had a positive OPK on Sunday night (as stated previously) and still positive (but less so ) butt-crack of dawn on Monday, and my temp jumped Tuesday.  But then Wednesday it went another DEGREE higher still, so it appears I ovulated Tuesday instead of Monday like I originally thought. No matter, that actually gives us better timing.

So, the BBT is being put away. Time to jump on the progesterone again.  No more tracking, will try my very best to not think much about it, but of course in 2 weeks time I will be going nuts.  But I’m not testing before 16dpo.  August 19, the day before I leave for my brother’s wedding.  Wonderful that I may have AF just in time for it.  Fingers crossed.

Friday, August 20, 2010


I’m sure it will come as no great shock to you to learn that AF came exactly as scheduled yesterday morning.

Starting my first cycle with the RE.  Hoping to do our first IUI this month.  The problem is that I should be Oing (if I O on a normal schedule, which I never know if I will) Labor Day weekend, which me and DH are going away for.  So for the first time ever, I am hoping that I O a few days later than “normal” because I want an IUI.

Saw the RE for my CD3 (even though it’s CD2) bloodwork and baseline work up today.  Taking Femara starting tonight through next Thursday, then have another doctor appt. next Friday.  Knowing my body, my follicles will still be teeny tiny at that point.

I was a mess earlier this week. I’m doing better now.  Tomorrow my brother gets married.  I’m planning to drink until I make myself sick.  Hmm…maybe not doing so much better.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Guess What?

DH and I have been fighting all night. I even went to the coffee shop for a few hours just to get some space, I was so pissed.

I started breaking out yesterday/today.  I tried to stay calm, I waited until tonight to take another OPK (ok, really, I forgot to take one yesterday, and I peed at 4pm without remembering, so I just took one right now.  Blaringly positive.  In fact, so positive I thought the OPK might be broken – the “control” line looks positively faded compared to my line.

Oh, of course, now when it’s the most important time to DTD, we’re fighting.

But I am so thrilled that I’m Oing.

Friday, July 30, 2010


CD 33, no O.  I see the OBGYN next Weds., at which point I’ll be CD38.  I still have fertile fluid (every day for the last 20+ days now!) and I feel like I could O, but what the heck do I know? Not much.

I had such a real-feeling dream last night.  I was out somewhere, with my hands on my stomach, feeling the bulge of a life inside me.  It wasn’t “fat” (though goodness knows I have enough of that), it was harder, more round, the obviousness of a pregnant belly.

And I had to pee, alot. In my dream I mean.

Which probably was just because I had to pee in real life, since I soon woke up having to go to the bathroom. But still, for those brief moments, it was so happy.

The first time I got pregnant, I had crazy dreams about pregnancy before I found out.  The second time, that didn’t happen, although another cycle (where I was not pregnant) I dreamed about holding a 3 year old (that was mine) in my arms. No longer a baby though.

And now this one.  Where I haven’t even ovulated, so I couldn’t possibly be pregnant.

I wish I could dream about a baby of mine every night.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

No Change

Or so I figure. I am not getting any more follicle checks so who knows. But no positive OPK yet, no temperature jump.

I’m in nada-land.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

No Growth

It’s been 9 days since I last wrote, and in that time, my follicles grew by 2mm.  Actually they grew by 2mm in 12 days (since the last time I wrote they were exactly the same size as they had been 3 days before).  They are supposed to grow by 2mm PER DAY.

Which means, yep, another anovulatory cycle.  My OBGYN said “we’re going to abort the cycle” which gave me hope that they would give me provera to bring about AF, but apparently they won’t do that. I have an appt. on 8/4. If AF hasn’t come by then, then they’ll give it me.

And it’s another month lost.

I’ve had fertile CM EVERY SINGLE DAY since I last wrote.  My body wants to O but is also in shutdown mode. How frustrating.

The only positive I can see is that my temps haven’t been erratic at all, unlike my other anovulatory cycle. So maybe I will O, eventually.  But by the time I see the doc? Probably not.

And Ali is out on maternity leave for the next three months.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Don't Think About It

I bought some yellow plums at the farmer’s market yesterday and am regretting it.  Wanted some apricots but the bright yellowness attracted me.  They’re not so sweet though, unlike the apricots, darn it.

So…here we are day 15.  Should be gearing up to O, but of course not. I know this because I had a follicle check this morning and they haven’t grown at all since Friday.  I know why of course, but it doesn’t make things any better.

The reason why is because of the transfallopian cervical cath I had last week.  Honestly, I’m not sure I had the full cath -, but they knocked me out and got all up in my hoo ha, so I guess it’s all the same.  Thank goodness for anesthesia – I have a vague, vague memory (which I’m not all too sure really happened or I just dreamed it) of me sitting bolt upright in the middle of the procedure crying about pain, but they clearly then gave me enough after that because I’m not even sure it happened.

You’d think with all the medical procedures I’ve had, I’d have the highest pain tolerance of everyone, but it’s really gosh darn low.

The good thing about the cath/not-cath is that my tubes are wide open.  That’s why I’m not sure I really even had the cath.  So what was the deal about my left side being blocked when my OBGYN did my HSG in February?

According to the doc who did this cath, it’s quite possible since I was awake and had no pain meds, that I was in so much pain (because HSGs are painful muthafuckas) that I was twisting and turning and the tubes just weren’t relaxed and open for the dye to go through in february – so it looked blocked. Under the anesthesia, not moving at all, it was easy enough to get the dye through just fine.

So what does this tell me?

There is NOTHING wrong with us. With either of us.  His sperm, my eggs are fine.  My tubes are fine – so what is the deal? Why is it taking so long?

Because my OBGYN’s office told me the other day they thought I should see a specialist.  Even THEY think it’s taken too long to get PG.  Now, lucky for me I’m such an anxious bitch girl, I started seeing an RE back in April, so I’m 3 months ahead of where I would be right now if I had just stayed with the OB this entire time. All my tests are done.

So honestly, the only other thing I can think of (besides implantation problems, which I’m just not going to worry about right now, because I haven’t really HEARD of those before) is stress.
Stress stress stress.

I hate it when people tell me to stop stressing and I’ll get pregnant.  Er, no.  And F U as well.  It’s hard to not be stressed as you go for umpteen follicle checks, take nightly hormones, etc.  I wish I could not have to think about these things – but if I don’t, then I’ll forget to take my pills, etc.

But still, stress.

If you know me, you know I’m a tightly wound, highly anxious individual. Type A to the extreme.  My every day levels are stressful, even without this added stuff. So I do believe I’m just going over the edge, and that’s inhibiting this process.

Of course, this isn’t helped by the procedure I had last week.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to find there’s nothing wrong. However…my follicles aren’t growing, despite the Tamoxifen.  Last time I had the HSG, I had an anovulatory cycle. It seems I’m going in the same direction this month.  I took the Tamoxifen to hopefully overcome that but it’s not looking good…sigh…

So…I guess we wait.  I have plenty of fertile fluid…but won’t be Oing any time soon, even if I do actually end up Oing…I guess we’ll just have to see.

In the meantime, I’ve got to start figuring out how to make myself CHILL OUT.  It’s not like a switch I can just turn off…it’s almost impossible for me to do…but I need to.

Weekly massages? If they weren’t so expensive.  I’m thinking of looking up accupuncturists around here too. After all, you always hear stories of people getting accupuncture when infertile and then BOOM – pregnant.

I’ve got to do something…

Monday, June 28, 2010

Just A Matter of Time

BFNs all weekend.  My temperature has PLUMMETED to pre-O levels. But no period yet.  Why do this to me? Why not just let it come?  We’re going camping this weekend too, latrines and no showers, and all I need is my period on top of that. Blechh.  Yet, still nothing has come yet.  It’s clearly not the progesterone keeping me going as my temps are so low, so what is it?

Effin' A, man.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Crash Into Me

I want to go home.  I wish I didn’t have to be at work.  I suppose I technically don’t have to, I have enough sick/vacation time to take the day off, but I don’t know what my excuse would be, especially now that I’m here.  And it’s Friday.

Today is 13/14 dpo.  I tested this morning. Did you really think I’d be able to hold out tomorrow? I really thought I was more 14dpo than 13dpo, but it was so negative I’m now praying it isn’t.  Still, I doubt the stick will all of a sudden turn a brilliant shade of pink tomorrow when it was so white today.
Every month this happens, it throws me into a tailspin.  This morning was no different.  DH had “ordered” me not to test until tomorrow (like I would listen) and heard me crying in the shower.  He knew why, and asked me if I had tested. We spent far too much of the morning when we should have been getting ready for work curled up on the bed, me crying to him.  He’s so disappointed too.  For the longest time, he didn’t seem too concerned when a month didn’t turn out the way we wanted, but the last couple, he’s been increasingly more sad.  And that just makes me even more sad.  I’m failing him.  I know he says I’m not, but I don’t have any other reason.  His sperm is fine. There’s no real need for an IUI other than the fact we’re not getting pregnant.  All his bloodwork has been fine.  Sure, all mine has been fine too, but beyond sperm, what does the man really contribute? I’m the host. I provide not only the egg, but the receptacle, so clearly it’s me.  And I just don’t understand. The only concrete problem we’ve seen so far was with my HSG, with my left tube mostly blocked, and the right tube blocked but opened with the HSG. I O’d from the right this month, so what was the problem? How did this again not happen for us? Timing was perfect.  Why does God do this to me month after month?
I called Ali this morning to find out if I should stop the progesterone.  She is out today so they put me through to another nurse’s mailbox.  This nurse will also be out for 12 weeks starting 7/1, but is here today.  Is their whole office pregnant?  Geez.  She called me back and said I could stop taking the progesterone so AF would come. I will tomorrow if it’s negative.  Fuck it all. Just in case I’m just a day early though, I’ll wait till tomorrow.

I didn’t want next cycle to come.  I’m going to get some sort of ovarian catheterization.  Basically, a rotorooter of my fallopian tubes to see if they are open or open them or something.  I don’t know why they wouldn’t be since I had the HSG done, but this is with the RE now so that’s what he wants to see, and honestly, I believe in him more than my OBGYN, who would probably put me on Clomid yet again.

But I didn’t want it to come, not only because I can’t be on any meds because of the procedure (which is fine, I think I need a break anyway) but because I’m so tired of pain. I’ve had so many surgeries, procedures, blood, pain in the last year/year and a half, and I just didn’t want one more thing.  Haven’t I had enough?  How much must one person endure?  I know it sounds so self-pitying to say, but it’s the way I feel.  I need something positive to happen for me, please.  I’m coming to the end of my rope, I seriously need an extended vacation, and sometimes wish I could check myself into some place for “exhaustion,” but I guess only celebrities can do that.  At the very least, I wish I didn’t have to come to work today.

And also, having this “cath” means most likely (especially without meds) that my ovulation will be delayed next month.  After my heart caths my cycles were always 45-60 days long, and this is directly on the important parts so why wouldn’t it be the same or longer?  So I probably won’t even get another chance to try for a month and a half or 2 months.

My FSIL has her shower and second b-party tomorrow.  I don’t want to go. More than anything. I wish I could just stay home in bed and watch TV.  But instead I must go, put on a happy face, and “have fun.” Sure.

Monday, June 21, 2010

New Week

Today I’m either 9 or 10dpo.  I’m not sure which, but again, to be safe, treating it like 9dpo.  Once again, I’m crabby.

I made all future temping and stuff in FF private.  I wish it was like FB and I could decide who could see my temps and who not, but I’m kind of tired of some people looking and emailing me asking how things are, when the only thing I want to say to them is, “Shitty, ok?”

I got the “dreaded” letter from my RE nurse, Ali, in the mail last week.  The letter that says, “I will be out for 12 weeks starting in mid-to-late July but in the meantime you will be in the capable hands of nurse Cayce.”  Yes, my pregnant RE nurse is about ready to give birth.  One more person that’s not me.
And I had a terrible conversation with my sister yesterday.  She and I are not that close but have been starting to get closer, mostly as a result of her maturing a bit. She’s lost about 50lbs in the last year by doing something along the lines of Clean Eating, but as a result has become a bit cultish about it.  She’s 23, knows nothing about babies or pregnancy, but surpised me because she does know what PCOS is.  She dared say to me that she wondered if I was having so much trouble conceiving because of the amount of sugar I eat. Keep in mind, she doesn’t actually know how much sugar I eat, so that was annoying in myself.  And by sugar, she means, fruit and milk, and bread, and yes, I said she was a little cultish, right?   I literally told her “I will fucking kick your ass” if you say that again to me, but the emotional damage for me was already done.

Why I should care when she doesn’t have a clue about anything, I don’t know.  But it still made me want to cry. It’s along the lines of my BFF who hasn’t yet begun TTC but will in August/September telling me, “If you would just relax, you’d get pregnant.”  FUCK YOU.  Even though I love both of you, FUCK YOU.  And I may be a horrible person, but part of me wants it to take just a little while for my BFF to get pregnant just so she can know that it doesn’t matter how little you stress, that has nothing to do with it.

So, I’m just waiting to test…and not feeling very positive.  Damn it.  I would like to be uplifting just once.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Hell Week

Last week was hell week for me, in my personal life. This week is turning into hell week for me at work, but that’s another story.

I was glad, at my first U/S appt. on Monday, that I didn’t have the Ovidrel (trigger shot) on hand.  Fran wanted to give it to me right then (my follicles were at 18) and I really don’t think I was ready. It was similar to last month when they gave me the trigger, and I honestly think it was too early. It may be ok for some people, but not for me.  This was confirmed by my not getting any + OPKs before my U/S on Wednesday.  On that day, my follicles went up to 21, and Fran told me I had to get the trigger shot THAT day.  I still didn’t have the Ovidrel on hand, and it has to go through my insurance and a whole different pharmacy (Freedom Fertility) and takes a day to get to me.  She said I HAD to get it Wednesday because it was clear I wasn’t going to ovulate on my own, so therefore it would be a totally wasted month if I had an anovulatory cycle.

Well of course that threw me into a downward spin.  Not ovulate at all?  Given the Clomid I took, the estrogen I was on, the SHG I underwent – all of that for NOTHING???  I tried to get the trigger shot earlier, but I couldn’t. I was even willing to pay for it out of pocket ($105 vs. $35 through my insurance) but no pharmacy locally keeps it in stock.  I ordered the trigger shot to come Thursday but Fran said it was too late and my OBGYN wouldn’t give it to me.  I even debated giving myself the shot, because I wanted to ovulate so badly, but it had gotten shipped directly to my OBGYN so that was out.  I was miserable Weds. night thinking everything I had undergone was for nothing and I would have to wait another 45 days for another shot.

So Thursday I go to work, I pee on another OPK, and it’s almost positive. This from a definite negative the day before.  What’s this? My body is gearing up?  I jump for joy, relief, and call my OBGYN to schedule an IUI, even though I don’t really trust them anymore.  But they tell me they can only do it at 9am the next day.

Well, one of my best friend’s mother died on Monday.  Friday at 10am was the service, and it was 2 hours away.  There was no way I could be at the OBGYN at 9am. So I call them and beg if I can come back in the afternoon to have it done. They tell me yes, and to call around 12:30pm to schedule a time.
In the meantime, I take another OPK that night and it is utterly and completely positive. In fact, for the first time ever, my line was DARKER than the control line.  Usually it gets to be the same, but never this dark. I was surging on my own and all the BS that my OBGYN’s office put me through telling me I wasn’t going to ovulate on my own was exactly that – BS.

So, Friday I go down to my friend’s mother’s funeral.  Precisely at 12pm I call my OBGYN’s office. She tells me it’s been determined that it’s just too late to do the IUI, so don’t bother rushing back.
Every step of the way that week, my OBGYN’s office was wrong. I’m sick of it and so ready to be done with them. Which is great because next month, I’m 100% with the RE.  I feel so much more confident that they know what they’re doing, that they won’t put me through unnecessary stress, and that my “personal” nurse Ali will be able to answer any and all questions in a way that Fran couldn’t.

So I’m now in the 2ww, and hoping against hope that there’s no need for a next month with the RE.  Even though we didn’t do the IUI with my OBGYN, I finally ovulated from my right side (the unblocked one – yeah!), plus there’s nothing wrong with DH’s sperm.  So there’s no reason it shouldn’t work, but of course, I’m trying not to get my hopes up. I do this every month though, and every month I’m thrown into depression when the bad news come.  So…we’ll see what happens.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


Well, what do you know? I got a call back this morning from one of Dr. Mike’s PA’s who checked with him, and he said it was fine for me to take the estrogen.  Hurray! I took it last night and haven’t noticed any side effects just yet, but I was really nervous. I remember when Dr. G from Columbia used to tell me I shouldn’t even take BCP because it contained estrogen and now I can take direct supplements?  Another reason to be thankful for the surgery I had!

Still haven’t gotten a + OPK yet.  Maybe I should have ordered the trigger shot just in case… tomorrow I have another U/S if I don’t get a + OPK this afternoon and I’m so hoping my follicles are still bigger on the right. They started off bigger on the right last month but the left took over in the end.  Every time I feel a twinge on my right side, I silently cheer bc it’s growing and every time I feel it on my left I inwardly groan.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Trying Again

I haven’t written in awhile.  I’ve been depressed, there’s no other way to put it.  I don’t have anything else to say except whine.  And even though no one reads it, should I ever reread my own entries, damn, that’s just a downer.

Well,  I took Clomid again days 5-9, and perhaps it’s because it’s my 3rd month on it, but it’s working faster this month. Today is CD13, and the U/S today showed 2 follicles on the right (my good side!) at 18 and 16, and one on the left at 17.  I pray the left doesn’t take over!! Fran wanted me to come right over (I had my U/S done at Bellevue because the U/S technician at my OBGYN is on vacation this week) and get the trigger shot, but I demured, for two reasons. first, I don’t have Ovidrel and it’ll take a day to get it. I thought I’d have more time and never ordered it (or asked for a script). Secondly, if I’m ovulating on the right side, I don’t think I really need it.  That’s my “good” side.

I still want an IUI though. Even though K’s SA came back completely normal, I just want the “back up” of it.

I also have a hemorraghic cyst in my right ovary though.  I did some quick googling and it doesn’t look like it’ll affect anything.  I hope that’s true.  Apparently it’s a cyst that contains blood in it.  It can occur normally and most times nothing is done for it. My OBGYN wasn’t concerned about it at all. However, you know I don’t trust them fully, so I will mention it at my RE appt. on Thursday.

In addition, my lining is really thin.  That also might be the result of 3 months of Clomid, or because I’m pretty far along for me at CD13, and maybe the lining hasn’t had a chance to catch up? I don’t know, but it was only a 4 – and it’s never been that low.

As a result, they want to put me on estrogen – Estrace. I’ve always heard since I have a heart condition I shouldn’t take estrogen, but that was before my surgery last year. Maybe it’s better now.  To be safe, I called Boston this morning to ask about it.  Unfortunately, they won’t be getting back to me until tomorrow at the earliest, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be starting estrogen tonight.  I guess we’ll see how it goes. I’m afraid of headaches, mostly.

So, if no positive OPK, I’ll go back in for another follicle check on Weds.  Then meeting with the RE on Thursday. Lots of stuff this week. I’m trying to keep my head “OUT” of the game so I don’t focus obsessively on it.

Friday, May 21, 2010

MFM St. Peter's

Today I have my first of two MFM appointments. The second is on Monday. I’m hoping I like this guy sufficiently and get enough questions answered that I can cancel Monday’s appt. with the other one.

This guy was recommended by my RE.  I need someone locally to connect with when I’m pregnant.  Plus, maybe he can answer my questions about clotting and tell me what to do. Plus I’d like him to order a karyotype test for me and DH. All this for someone who doesn’t know my history at all. It’s probably too much to ask from the visit.

Rock Bottom?

I might have hit rock bottom.  I woke up to a huge jump in temps today. I can’t explain it.  I have such heartburn it’s ridiculous.  But no cramps, no real PMS…and I’ve always had it before when I’m PG.  So I’m even more depressed.  But that heartburn lasts all freaking day.  I can’t deal and keep thinking…the jump in temps (Triphasic?), the heartburn?

So I gave in and tested tonight. BFN. What was I thinking?

It really sees as though every gets BFPs so early on FF.  I’ve never gotten one before day 14.  Today’s 11dpo. I was so hoping…

But no.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Stressful Day

After many calls to my OBGYN’s office regarding the results of my antibody titer, Fran called me today to tell me I may have a clotting issue.  But she couldn’t give me anymore information.  Wonderful.  Dr. S wanted to meet with my next Wednesday. I agreed, but then freaked out that it’s a week away, and what if I find out I’m PG on Sunday?  I probably am not, I don’t have ANY cramping, no real PMS like I normally do, and which I’ve also had for both previous pregnancies. Well, I’ve also miscarried twice, so maybe not.  Anyway…I’m very depressed today.  Nothing’s going right.

I called back the office to speak directly with Dr. S, but Fran intercepted and wouldn’t (or couldn’t give me much more information). She did move up my appointment to first thing Monday morning at least.  I really want to push for heparin shots right away...

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Trigger's Gone

I’m finally on the downhill slope of this month’s 2WW.  Kicking myself for not doing IUI.

My trigger was gone by 7dpt5dpo. Today is 11 days past trigger, 9 days past ovulation and I’m just waiting.  I admit, I tested yesterday. I don’t know why.  Now that I know how sensitive FRERs are (picked up an HCG of 7!) AND that my FSA will reimburse me for HPTs, this will only make me more likely to test. I’ll probably test again tomorrow. Even though I’ve NEVER gotten an earlier BFP than 14. I keep wondering if I implant late or something. Maybe that’s part of my problem.

I don’t really feel pregnant, although today my stomach is feeling like a ton of bricks, which isn’t an altogther bad sign.  But I doubt it means anything. No real PMS yet, which I usually get 7 or 8dpo and which I definitely got last month so that’s NOT a good sign.

I’m waiting for Fran from my OBGYN’s office to call and tell me about the titer results. She said she would today but so far haven’t heard from her. All the bloodwork from the RE’s office came back fine, they said.

5 more days for THIS month, and then the waiting begins again.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


My bloodwork results from last week are trickling in.  I had 26 (!!!) vials of blood taken last week. I was suprised I was still standing, though I was a bit light headed on the drive home.

So far most everything looks ok.  My RH factor is positive (which I think I knew already from my first pregnancy, but it’s good to have it confirmed), all these are things (toxmosis, rubella) are what they should be…my TSH is .913 and my T4 1.22 — all just perfect.

So the one unperfect thing thus far is my antibody screen.  Gdamnit.

It came back positive last week, which is why I needed to go back 2 additional times for more blood draws.

Well, not exactly. The first time is because with all the blood I needed taken (all those tests) they FORGOT to do the antibody screen. But then they called, said it was positive and they couldn’t identify the cause, so I need to come in to take more blood so they could send it out to the Red Cross (who I guess has better facilities? Better knowhow?)

So Fran, my OBGYN nurse, called yesterday telling me I need to go get an antibody titer done.
I really wish our medical records were electronic already because I know Boston would have all this info at hand.  I know I have  antibodies from the transfusions I’ve had due to my surgeries in the past.  Every time I go for a cath, they have to special bloodtype me because of it, and every time they tell me should I need blood, I need “special” blood because of those antibodies.  So I’m not really wondering whether I have these antibodies.

But the question I have, do the antibodies that I KNOW I have either prevent me from conceiving or make me M/C? Dr. Mike at Boston didn’t think it was a big deal, but he’s no OBGYN.  I really want to know this for sure.  And so far, I really can’t get an answer to this.

I spoke with Ali again this morning, and asked her this (no I didn’t call her specifically for that, but as long as we were on the phone…) and she said it really depends why you have the antibodies. She couldn’t even tell me if there’s a solution for all of this if one is needed.  So I wait. And worry. And go get more blood taken either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

My Nurse Coordinator

At my RE’s office, we were assigned a nurse coordinator. Her name is Ali.  I’ve known her for a total of two weeks, have spoken to her a handful of times, and already absolutely adore her.  I’ve dealt with A LOT of doctors and medical staff in my life and she may be the most “on top of things” medical person I’ve ever met.  She even beats out Dr. Mike and his office.

Any time I call her, she calls me back within 3 hours.  She works M, W, Th, F from 7am to 5pm. She seemingly manages everything baby-medical related going on, even when it doesn’t involve her office. She called me today to find out how my Clomid cycle is going, even though my RE’s office isn’t following it this cycle, my OBGYN is.  Shocking!

There’s only one problem with Ali.  She’s pregnant.  It’s already obvious looking at her, so she must be far enough along.

I don’t consider myself infertile. At least not yet. I consider myself someone who has trouble staying pregnant.

I think it would be really hard to be IF and have to see her getting bigger every time you go.

I only hope I am pregnant by the time she goes on maternity leave…

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Maternal-Fetal Medicine

Another day, another frustration.

When DH and I got pregnant the first time, Dr. Mike (no doubt thrown into a tizzy by the news) garnered a much needed lightning-fast appointment with a well-respected MFM doctor in Boston.  Well, at least I presume so. Honestly, any doctor Dr. Mike thinks is good is someone I want to see.
She is probably brilliant, and there must be a reason Dr. Mike recommended her (personal friend? Known miracle worker? No idea) but she did not impress either the husband or me that day.  Granted, we were reeling from batteries of tests, a cardiac MRI for me, Dr. Mike and his people hovering over me like something was just so WRONG, when I felt more right than anything else in the world.  But her callousness about the situation at present, and when she found out my progesterone was low, a dismissive, “Oh well, you’re just going to M/C anyway,” so who cares attitude, in addition with her statement “No woman should ever get pregnant” (Um, hello, you’re a high risk OBGYN?!) just complete bowled us over.  Thank goodness we had Dr. Mike to pick up the pieces for us in the end.

Cut to November 20th of last year (man, I do have a head for dates) in which a much more relaxed Dr. E gave us her “approval” for us to go get pregnant, along with her fellow, Dr. Smith, who was ok, but again, not the warm and fuzzy doctor Dr. Mike is, and things were a little better.  She went from huge concern the previous time to, “You don’t really need to see me” to “I’ll work with MFM in Albany”…and sent us on our merry way.

I saw an MFM in Albany the first pregnancy.  Dr. S didn’t want to do anything without Dr. E’s permission.  It irked me a lot. She went so far as to send us a letter CYA about how she wouldn’t see us unless she had written “permission” from Dr. Mike regarding my condition.

Damn, I see a lot of doctors.

Anyway, when we saw the RE a couple of weeks ago now, she (or rather the PA) didn’t freak when I told her about my heart condition.  Granted, that’s probably because I’m now repaired as opposed to the way I was before surgery.  But she did recommend seeing an MFM.

I don’t really want to see Dr. Samelson again.  So the PA told us about a new MFM at St. Peter’s and since then I’ve been trying to get an appointment with him.

I call up the doctor.  Receptionist is quite rude.  Why are they often so rude?  Tells me if I’m not pregnant I can’t see him.  Um…MFM is for high risk.  I’m not going doctor shopping once I’m pregnant. I’m going to need one right off the bat.  She then tells me I need a doctor referral from my RE (not an insurance referral).  Ok…fine.  So I call up Ali (my personal nurse, I really love that) at the RE office and ask her to send over a referral. She tells me it will be done, and to call back the MFM by the end of the day to make the appointment.

Of course I forget.  And I forget the next day too.  That was Friday. Today I call up the MFM and they tell me, again, quite rudely, they never got anything.  Fuck.  So I call up Ali, and she tells me she has a confirmation of the fax sent the previous Thursday, May 6th at 10:50am.  Great.  She tells me she’ll fax it again just in case.  I give it several hours before calling the MFM again.  She puts me on hold for eleventy billion hours five minutes while she checks all 4 faxes.  Her office has four faxes?  Then she comes back and tells me she doesn’t have it.

I huff and puff and call Ali back, who insists she sent it yet again, but finally offers to call the MFM to find out what the heck is going on.  She says she’ll call me back, and she does, not half an hour later, apologizing because it was all her fault, she was sending the wrong form or something and she says it’ll be done right by the end of the day.

She’s got to have a stressful job.  I like her a lot. She got back to me so fast.  Tomorrow I will call up the MFM yet again to see if they have it. I haven’t even see the doctor yet, and I’m not a fan of the attitude in that office.

It’s all about attitude with me. I don’t believe that in order to be a brilliant doctor you must be House.  You can be nice and caring about your patients and still damn good at your job. I don’t have to put up with your rudeness just because you are smart. There are many smart doctors out there.

Case in point, Dr. Mike.  Columbia undergrad, Harvard Med, director at Boston.  And one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.

So this new MFM better be awesomely nice to make up for his office.  I don’t need the added stress.

Let’s see how it goes tomorrow.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Another Mother's Day

On this day last year, I thought I would be celebrating, at least unofficially.   Just last month, I thought I’d be celebrating, at least unofficially.  And now here I am, without a child in my womb, reading all of the facebook and twitter statuses about mothers, unable to write anything on this day.

I’m 2dpt, I *think* today is the day I mark down as ovulation on my FF page, but how do you know if you’ve actually ovulated?  And if I have…14 more days till I find out whether or not I’m pregnant.

At midnight last night, up in the spare bedroom of my brother’s house, where we stayed in order to celebrate with our mother today, alone from the peering eyes of anyone, DH pulled out a pink envelope, embraced and kissed me and whispered “Happy Mother’s Day.” Of course tears sprung to my eyes, honestly, because it was midnight and I’d sort of forgotten about why we were there, that Mother’s Day was now, and the realization brought a hot wave of angst to me.  I hesitated for a moment, as my husband, in his attempt to make things better, can easily make things worse a lot of times, before I opened the card to read it.

And the card was perfect.  Not too much, not too little, just the right amount of pink and sparkles and easiness to it to ease a bit of my pain.  He did good.

For most of the world may not know it, but I have two angel babies. I am their mother, and I always will be.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Too Much This Week

So much has happened in the last week, I just can’t keep up with it all. It exhausts me just thinking about.  Maybe I’ll write in more detail later, but we’ve seen the RE, gotten tons of tests ordered, finished the Clomid and last night, got the trigger shot.

My first time. It’s weird getting a shot in your stomach (even if it’s only subcutaneously) but I guess I should get used to it because if I ever get pregnant, I’ll be getting them daily from 8 weeks on.  DH watched with interest because I think I’m charging him with giving them to me.

For all I complain about the nurse at my OBGYN’s office, she was willing to leave her job at 6:30pm on a Friday night, come over to the doctor’s office and give me my shot. She was also willing to do an IUI on Saturday, when they’re not open.  This place isn’t an RE, so they don’t need to keep weekend hours.

So I got the shot and was told I can expect some serious cramping due to the number of follicles I have.  DH and I are not doing IUI this cycle.  I don’t know why now…perhaps we should have.  But we know he can get me pregnant, so I just didn’t want to take the chance of ending up with triplets or even quadruplets.

On Thursday I had 4 possibly mature follicles.  On the left, two measuring 17.9 and 15.5.  On the right, two measuring 16.6.and 16.5.  GD it, for the second month in a row, the most mature on the left side.  Two days earlier, the right was in the lead (and I was so praying it would stay that way).  I really think I’m fully blocked on the left side.  I know we got pregnant last month briefly, despite the fact it was obviously I O’d from the left, but despite that, I still believe something else was responsible and the egg didn’t come from the left side.

I didn’t have a U/S done last night, so I don’t know how far they’ve grown, and they will continue to grow before they actually leave the follicle, but I’m guessing the 17.9 one on Thursday was at least 20 as of yesterday, and I’m hoping the 16.6 one was at least 18.  Still, they’d have another day or so before they go, so hopefully the right can get close to 20. (I think I’m hoping for too much though).
This afternoon we will be leaving to go downstate (3 hours) for my BIL’s birthday dinner, then we’re staying over with my brother to be down there for Mother’s Day tomorrow.  When exactly are we to DTD to take full advantage of this?

This mother’s day I hoped I would be pregnant…sigh.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Wait, You Mean It’s What I Told You It Was?

Got the call from the nurse while I was in a training this morning, my HCG was negative.  No really, you think?  You mean, the fact that I got my period – hardcore, btw- last Thursday means I’m not pregnant?  Wow, what a revelation.  Thanks for making me wait till CD6 for the Clomid.

Yes, I got the Clomid, despite the fact that they told me it gives me a higher risk of M/C this month.  First of all, I don’t believe it.  The fact that I haven’t been pregnant for the last 15 months did jack for me this month with my second M/C.  Second of all, it was a chemical pregnancy. It barely got off the ground :(

I had a normal length period this month (heavier than normal, but no wonder since my progesterone was 22.8), which makes me really feel as if my risk for M/C is the same as it always was.  Third, I’m not waiting anymore.  I’m hoping to O on my right side this month, which is my GOOD side.  Left was supposedly blocked (although of course, we got PG last month, so who knows?)

So Clomid it is, days 6-10.  Have to call tomorrow to schedule the U/S.  Then the RE on Thursday.  STILL no word on the genetic testing.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

What a Day

So, after calling the nurse a gajillion times, I’m going to get bloodwork taken after work at the hospital.  She’s faxing the order for bloodwork. Of course, you know the last time they did that, they were unable to find the order – who thinks that will be the case tonight?  *raises hand*

I asked to get the thrombophilia panel done at the same time but she wants to discuss it with the doctor first…so not tonight.  Or tomorrow probably…maybe before I see the RE on Thursday?

I have to get up the nerve to ask for my medical files to bring to the RE on Thursday.  Ugh…not looking forward to that.

ETA: The hospital had the faxed order.  I exclaimed to the registrar, “I’m shocked you guys had it!”  She looked at me, dourly, and replied, “Me too.”  Ahh, nothing like a little agreement to inspire confidence.

I’m doubting I will get the Clomid, even if my HCG is at 0.  It’s just the feeling I’m getting from the nurse.  She seemed ok with it today, but I bet the doctor will veto it tomorrow.

3 more days to my RE appointment.

Monday, April 26, 2010

No, I Can't Wait One More Month

The nurse called and told me I could go get bloodwork and do Clomid starting tomorrow (days 6-10 instead of days 5-9) but that the doctor wanted me to know there was a higher chance of M/C.  Then she said that if I didn’t take Clomid this month there is still a sort of “rebound effect” from it – so that my cycle would be more normalized anyway.

I told her I’d call her back because I was walking with one of my coworkers back from lunch, but now I don’t know what she meant.  Take a cycle off from trying all together?  Or just a cycle off from Clomid?  The latter I’m willing to do but not the former.  Besides, it’s been more than a year since our first miscarriage – obviously waiting that long didn’t help this time for it.  And I can’t wait any longer.  Seriously, another month without trying will just put me farther into depression.

So of course, when I go to call her back, I have to wait half an hour because they’re at lunch.  Finally at 1:30pm I call and they’re back in the office, but I get her VM.  Ugh…so still waiting for a call back.  I really don’t want to wait a whole ‘nother cycle.  I can’t do it.

I’m 31. I’m going to be 32 in October.  Which means I’ll be halfway to 33 by the time I give birth if I get pregnant in the next few months.

I never thought I would be this old and not be a mom by now.  I’ve been waiting and trying for so long.  This is killing me.

In the Beginning

In the beginning, there was a baby girl, born with a heart condition.  The doctors told her parents that she wouldn't live, but live she did. First past the first few weeks, then to a year.  The doctors were amazed, but concerned, and warned her parents she wouldn't live till 5 years, then 10.  But they were wrong. She survived and thrived.

In the fall of her sixteenth year, she met a boy, and they fell in love, just days before she came down with a life threatening illness related to her heart.  Their romance on hold, she soon recovered and they dated, went to the prom, went to college.  The doctors told her family she wouldn't go to college, but once again, they were wrong.

Somewhere inbetween, the boy and girl said goodbye, thinking their story together was over.  The girl graduated college and headed west to law school, this time against the doctors' advice.  But what did she care? They'd always been wrong before. She wanted to get away,"to find a dream and a life of [her] own, a place in the clouds, a foundation of stone."

But now, into her 20s, she started thinking more of the future, which as far as she could see was wide open to her.  No restrictions as far as she could see.  She saw new doctors out west, who told her that babies were a possibility, and she tucked that precious info away for a later point in life.  But she saw no rush, and she saw no hurry.  Life would continue to take its pace and she was content with it.

After law school, the girl moved back East, and somehow, someway found her boy once again.  Of course, as it happens, babies were wanted, and she went back to her old doctors.  They told her to be able to have her babies she needed to undergo major heart surgery, but at the end, they told her, she would reap the benefits.  They'd never been right before, but she believed them this time because she wanted to so much.  The surgery did not go well, and at the end she was no better; in fact - somewhat worse than before.  Finally, after 27 years, the girl left those doctors, and found new ones.

Through all of this, the boy held her hand, and finally he and the girl were married - a lifelong dream finally realized after so many years.  Then, luckily, the girl found herself pregnant, and she and the boy were thrilled, until the first miscarriage occurred.  The new doctors told her she needed to have a second heart surgery to not only give her a chance at her babies, but to prolong her life as well.  This time, the doctors were right. She was finally given the green light to try again, and finally, 6 months later, a second pregnancy, and then a second miscarriage.

Which brings us to today.