Monday, July 12, 2010

Don't Think About It

I bought some yellow plums at the farmer’s market yesterday and am regretting it.  Wanted some apricots but the bright yellowness attracted me.  They’re not so sweet though, unlike the apricots, darn it.

So…here we are day 15.  Should be gearing up to O, but of course not. I know this because I had a follicle check this morning and they haven’t grown at all since Friday.  I know why of course, but it doesn’t make things any better.

The reason why is because of the transfallopian cervical cath I had last week.  Honestly, I’m not sure I had the full cath -, but they knocked me out and got all up in my hoo ha, so I guess it’s all the same.  Thank goodness for anesthesia – I have a vague, vague memory (which I’m not all too sure really happened or I just dreamed it) of me sitting bolt upright in the middle of the procedure crying about pain, but they clearly then gave me enough after that because I’m not even sure it happened.

You’d think with all the medical procedures I’ve had, I’d have the highest pain tolerance of everyone, but it’s really gosh darn low.

The good thing about the cath/not-cath is that my tubes are wide open.  That’s why I’m not sure I really even had the cath.  So what was the deal about my left side being blocked when my OBGYN did my HSG in February?

According to the doc who did this cath, it’s quite possible since I was awake and had no pain meds, that I was in so much pain (because HSGs are painful muthafuckas) that I was twisting and turning and the tubes just weren’t relaxed and open for the dye to go through in february – so it looked blocked. Under the anesthesia, not moving at all, it was easy enough to get the dye through just fine.

So what does this tell me?

There is NOTHING wrong with us. With either of us.  His sperm, my eggs are fine.  My tubes are fine – so what is the deal? Why is it taking so long?

Because my OBGYN’s office told me the other day they thought I should see a specialist.  Even THEY think it’s taken too long to get PG.  Now, lucky for me I’m such an anxious bitch girl, I started seeing an RE back in April, so I’m 3 months ahead of where I would be right now if I had just stayed with the OB this entire time. All my tests are done.

So honestly, the only other thing I can think of (besides implantation problems, which I’m just not going to worry about right now, because I haven’t really HEARD of those before) is stress.
Stress stress stress.

I hate it when people tell me to stop stressing and I’ll get pregnant.  Er, no.  And F U as well.  It’s hard to not be stressed as you go for umpteen follicle checks, take nightly hormones, etc.  I wish I could not have to think about these things – but if I don’t, then I’ll forget to take my pills, etc.

But still, stress.

If you know me, you know I’m a tightly wound, highly anxious individual. Type A to the extreme.  My every day levels are stressful, even without this added stuff. So I do believe I’m just going over the edge, and that’s inhibiting this process.

Of course, this isn’t helped by the procedure I had last week.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to find there’s nothing wrong. However…my follicles aren’t growing, despite the Tamoxifen.  Last time I had the HSG, I had an anovulatory cycle. It seems I’m going in the same direction this month.  I took the Tamoxifen to hopefully overcome that but it’s not looking good…sigh…

So…I guess we wait.  I have plenty of fertile fluid…but won’t be Oing any time soon, even if I do actually end up Oing…I guess we’ll just have to see.

In the meantime, I’ve got to start figuring out how to make myself CHILL OUT.  It’s not like a switch I can just turn off…it’s almost impossible for me to do…but I need to.

Weekly massages? If they weren’t so expensive.  I’m thinking of looking up accupuncturists around here too. After all, you always hear stories of people getting accupuncture when infertile and then BOOM – pregnant.

I’ve got to do something…

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