Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Surgery is canceled. Someone screwed up and didn’t realize I needed a cardiac anesthetist. By the time they realized it, the hospital I was going to have the surgery at, told them they cannot do it bc they don’t have a cardiac anesthetist. They tried to get be into a different one, but were unable to. (obviously, since it’s Thanksgiving week)

I am nowhere close to ovulating. Maybe an 11 mm. follicle, but it might be a cyst. They took bloodwork this morning to find out.

I feel barren and hopeless.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Oh, It Gets Worse

I’ve been waiting for open enrollment, which I’ve been told is November, since January of this year, so I could switch plans to get on one that covers IVF.

I thought I needed open enrollment to switch.  I thought if I signed up in open enrollment, then my plan would start January 1st, and I could do IVF that cycle.

I spoke with my HR dept. on the phone a month ago to check if this was the case. They assured me it was.
It’s almost December and I’ve been waiting for open enrollment, but haven’t heard anything about it. So I emailed HR this morning and they told me that even with open enrollment, I need to wait 5 payperiods + 1 day to be eligible for coverage. Open enrollment is if you already have coverage but want to switch plans. Since I’m not on any state plan currently, I have to join and wait the “penalty time.”

But the thing is, I could have done that at any point this year. February, June, whenever. I could have been doing IVF THIS MONTH if I had done it earlier.

I could have signed up for coverage when I asked them, but they gave me wrong info which kept me waiting for open enrollment. So I just signed up today, but having to wait the penalty period means I can’t do IVF before 1/20/2011.

Why the fuck can nothing go right for me?????

I swear to God I can’t take much more of this.


My surgery is Weds. I don’t want it at all. I know it’s nothing compared to OHS, but I just don’t want anymore pain.

 I want to try this month.  I wish i could do IVF. I wish I didn’t have to wait until January for it.

My coworker – who is honestly one of my closest friends, is pregnant. She hasn’t POAS yet, but she’s late and she has all the signs. I just want to curl up in a little ball and die.

She made the mistake of saying out loud that she wishes she wasn’t. That it happened next month instead.  I love her, but want to strangle her.

She doesn’t even care this month if she’s pregnant and she has everything I wanted.  For two years now I’ve wanted to be able to tell everyone at Christmas that I’m pregnant.

I hate my life.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Look At That

What did I tell you? Not 1/2 an hour later, and I have my results.  Cayce apologized for the delay saying the hospital didn’t have enough blood (for my pre-op testing) and that’s why it took so long.  Great.


Sometimes love just ain’t enough.

Waiting for the Call

I had my beta done at 8:30am.  It’s now 3:15pm and no one has bothered to call me with the results. At 2pm I called and left a message for Cayce, asking her to please call me sooner rather than later because I’m having a tough time.  Alas, no call.

I’m hoping by posting this, they’ll call.  Life seems to work that way for me.

I know I’m not PG. Temps went down today and while AF hasn’t started yet, I know it’s coming. And yet, not having AF yet stupid me keeps holding out the tiniest bit of hope, all the while knowing I’m just setting myself up for even more tears.

Why do I do this to myself?

But then again, I think, why can’t my temp have totally plummeted below the coverline? Why can’t AF already have started? Why couldn’t the RE have called me earlier?

Why do things need to be so GD difficult?!?!?!

Ok, just venting.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


B/W tomorrow. Thank God. A 4th day of the same temps. I didn’t test, but the temp. not going down is just making me hold out hope for something that most likely will not come.  I’d almost rather it have plummeted today instead.

Monday, November 8, 2010


I am crushed again.  BFN on 14dpo.  I even managed to not POAS until today.  I didn’t even want to because I was dreading a white stick, but I knew I needed to so I wouldn’t be completely caught off guard when I get the b/w done on Weds.

I wish I didn’t have to work. I have off for Veteran’s Day and I already took off Friday, which is good, but I wish I could just go home.  My coworker who I share an office with (and is also one of my best friends) is on vacation, but I FB’d her this morning since she wanted to know. It’s good, because I don’t have to talk a lot or anything, but work is kind of slow and all it does is give me more time to think.

My temps have been the same for the last 3 days straight. I thought for sure that was a good sign, but I was obviously wrong.  Every month I’m “so sure” and am always wrong.

Well, that’s it for the year.  No more trying.  Surgery is scheduled and that’ll take me out through the end of December.

I just don’t think this is fair.  Haven’t I had enough surgery in my life? Haven’t things been difficult enough for me? Why can’t I just catch a break?

Sometimes I just think God really hates me.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Lap Scheduled

My lap right now is scheduled for 11/23, a couple of days before Thanksgiving.  Not a bad time all things considered. I’ll take off from Tuesday on if needed.

They wanted to schedule it 11/16, but unfortunately I will be out of town for work.  Seriously, this is the first time in 3 years I’ve gone out of town for work and look how it conflicts. I asked for 11/19 (because then I’d only need to take 1 day off of work and be back on Monday, but he already has 3 surgeries scheduled that day. She said she’ll ask him if he can do one more, as those 3 are supposedly quick, but we’ll see.  For now, 11/23 is the day.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

IUI #3

Wow, just realized I never posted about it. I’m 9dpo right now, so it’s long over. This one hurt a little bit, not sure why.

We met with the RE a couple days after that.  Because last month was so screwed up (The follicle being at 21mm on CD 3 or whatever) and because I didn’t take fertility meds, he doesn’t count that as an IUI cycle.  Despite the fact that I actually HAD an IUI, and took progesterone.

That annoys me, and I’m not sure why.  So I’m technically only on my second IUI cycle according to him.  Pfft.

I can see why that IUI might not have worked. I’m not sure I had good, working follicle, or even if I ovulated.  That makes me feel better since I didn’t get PG. But to me, I’m on IUI#3.

We talked about next steps. Basically, the whole gamut is in front of me. I can take the most conservative approach or the most agressive approach.

Conservative would be: next month start injectible fertility meds and continue to do IUIs. (This will give me a lot more follicles than I normally get, which is scary). Might be so many they would not want to do an IUI but convert to IVF. Otherwise, do injectibles, then have a laparascopy done to see if I really do have endometriosis.  After doing several months of that, then go to IVF.

Most agressive would be to go to IVF next month.

But I am also a practical person. My open enrollment for insurance starts this month, with insurance becoming effective in January. Right now I’m on DH’s insurance which is AWE.SOME. but doesn’t cover IVF. Covers unlimited IUIs though.  If i had my insurance through work, it covers IVFs (up to $50K, which I think would cover 3 IVF tries) but I have more copays and stuff for the IUIs and IVF.

I really don’t want to switch my job’s insurance. I love DH’s. So far, it’s covered EVERYTHING.  But we talked and made a decision that we will do the following.

If we don’t get PG this month (and of course, I’m not holding my breath), then I will have the lap done next cycle.  No injectible fertility meds. Because the doctor said that if we had NYS insurance he would skip injectibles and just do IVF). He didn’t know that I will be switching to NYS insurance.  Besides if I were to do injectibles next cycle and then need to convert to an IVF, what would I do since I wouldn’t be covered?
So, have the lap done, which will take out this next cycle and probably the next as well, since I ALWAYS have a super long cycle whenever I have any medical procedure done. That will get me to January 2011, at which point my new insurance will be effective and we can start IVF.

I can’t believe I’m talking about January 11. Which means I may very well not have a baby in 2011.  I can’t believe it could be 2012 before I have a child in my arms. I am so fucking old. I will be 34 in October 2012.  K and I got married when I was 28.