I Burst Into Tears Tonight

And for the first time on this infertility journey of 46+ months, it was tears of happiness.

Gabby texted me (as she always does the night before an U/S) that she found 2 heartbeats tonight, to go and get a good night's sleep and that she'd see me tomorrow.

I don't know how I work myself up, but I do it every time. She just heard heartbeats a couple of nights ago, and today I started thinking about going tomorrow and there being none.

And before, I could convince myself, as long as there was one, I would be ok. But in the last week, I've realized, I need both of those babies. Losing either one now would just be devastating. Not that it wouldn't have hurt before, but I don't know, it's just seeming more real now. And I've let it sink in that maybe, just maybe, we might get two babies out of this. Two, when all I've ever wanted is one.

So at 9pm when I hadn't heard from her, I actually asked DH, "Gosh, what happens if she can't find even 1 heartbeat? She knows I'm waiting to hear. Will she just not email/text me?"

And then I went to take a hot bath to relax. (Although I'm reading Life of Pi and it's pretty tense right now, haha). And L barged in to tell me about her text. And I just started crying in the tub, and it was a lot like my sad crying, I have to say. But I wasn't sad at all. I'm going to learn (God willing) my babies' genders tomorrow. I never thought I would get to this point. It doesn't seem real.

There is still so long to go, I know. But I can't believe we're even here.

Made It Through

I survived SIL's shower yesterday. I'm so glad it is over though. It was absolutely GORGEOUS, but not at all intimate, if that means anything to anyone. There were more than 50 women there. There were place cards (escort cards) denoting which table to sit at, just like a wedding! There were 10 people at each table! As the SIL I did not get to sit with the rest of my inlaw's family, ugh. I was sitting with my mom thank goodness, and with my other BIL's girlfriend (he's been dating her for like 6 years, so practically like family) and also the guest of honor's sisters, who are much younger than me. Then I guess they had extended family (of the guest of honor [my SIL] because I *think* they were second cousins or something.  Whatever, I thought they were rude, didn't say a word to me or my mom or BIL's GF, looked at their phones texting and generally behaving what I call "very Long Island-ish."

No offense to any Long Islanders. Certainly not all of them are that way. After all, I grew up in Westchester and am not at all like them. I think L and I are the black sheep of the family. We're such nerds. But LI's to me are all about shopping, their blinged out rings, and are decked out to the nines. I'm much more an outdoorsy girl who wants things to be comfortable.

I really want my shower to be more warm, more inviting, more comfy. I know no one absolutely LOVES baby showers, but I want people to have fun. It doesn't have to be the best experience of their life, but I want them to have enjoyed the afternoon.

They did nearly zero games. When we sat down there was a game at each place - match the celebrity parents with the baby/ies, which was fun. There was also a space for writing down a guess on how many teddy grahams were in this oversized baby bottle they were passing around. And that's it for the games. I won the celebrity baby game (surprised myself because I am so not good with pop culture) and could care less about winning teddy grahams (now if it had been filled with chocolates that would have been another story! :) The rest of the time was eating and watching her open gifts. OMG, she got a TON! Great for her, but made for a long present-opening.

We got plenty of hor d'oevres (I have no idea how to spell that) - salad, an antipasto plate, and absolutely delicious eggplant rollatini. The entrees were served family style - chicken marsala, chicken parmesan, pesto pasta, regular pasta with sauce. Then there was a huge dish of assorted desserts served to each person. And THEN there was cake! Holy cow. I barely ate any of it, I think my anxiety was in force, because I was starving after the shower.

So, the place was absolutely beautiful (an Italian restaurant in Westchester), the set up was beautiful, children's books with balloons attached as the centerpiece of each table, and the whole thing looked great. But it's probably the opposite of what I want :) Although I really have no idea what I want. Just not that :)

16 weeks today!