Sunday, September 16, 2012

I Burst Into Tears Tonight

And for the first time on this infertility journey of 46+ months, it was tears of happiness.

Gabby texted me (as she always does the night before an U/S) that she found 2 heartbeats tonight, to go and get a good night's sleep and that she'd see me tomorrow.

I don't know how I work myself up, but I do it every time. She just heard heartbeats a couple of nights ago, and today I started thinking about going tomorrow and there being none.

And before, I could convince myself, as long as there was one, I would be ok. But in the last week, I've realized, I need both of those babies. Losing either one now would just be devastating. Not that it wouldn't have hurt before, but I don't know, it's just seeming more real now. And I've let it sink in that maybe, just maybe, we might get two babies out of this. Two, when all I've ever wanted is one.

So at 9pm when I hadn't heard from her, I actually asked DH, "Gosh, what happens if she can't find even 1 heartbeat? She knows I'm waiting to hear. Will she just not email/text me?"

And then I went to take a hot bath to relax. (Although I'm reading Life of Pi and it's pretty tense right now, haha). And L barged in to tell me about her text. And I just started crying in the tub, and it was a lot like my sad crying, I have to say. But I wasn't sad at all. I'm going to learn (God willing) my babies' genders tomorrow. I never thought I would get to this point. It doesn't seem real.

There is still so long to go, I know. But I can't believe we're even here.


  1. This is a really sweet post. Just think of all the future happiness and sweet tears of joy you'll have! You're SOO close to parenthood! I know it's hard to believe when you've been on the IF journey for so long, but wow! Tomorrow will be VERY exciting for you! What a sweet, sweet day. :)

  2. Tears of happiness are the best! So very happy for you and wishing you a wonderful u/s tomorrow. Can't wait to hear if it's blue or pink (or one of each)! ~ hugs ~

  3. Very sweet post :) Hoping for a wonderful ultrasound tomorrow!

  4. Keeping you in my thoughts for a wonderful ultrasound, and I'm anxious to hear the gender reveal as well=) Sending you lots of positive vibes that Gabby continues to have a smooth pregnancy and keeping you in my thoughts as well, I know this hasn't been easy on you or Dh (Hugs).

  5. Can't wait to hear the news of your u/s today! I am so happy for you:)

  6. Happy gender reveal day! Can't wait to hear what you find out.