I Burst Into Tears Tonight

And for the first time on this infertility journey of 46+ months, it was tears of happiness.

Gabby texted me (as she always does the night before an U/S) that she found 2 heartbeats tonight, to go and get a good night's sleep and that she'd see me tomorrow.

I don't know how I work myself up, but I do it every time. She just heard heartbeats a couple of nights ago, and today I started thinking about going tomorrow and there being none.

And before, I could convince myself, as long as there was one, I would be ok. But in the last week, I've realized, I need both of those babies. Losing either one now would just be devastating. Not that it wouldn't have hurt before, but I don't know, it's just seeming more real now. And I've let it sink in that maybe, just maybe, we might get two babies out of this. Two, when all I've ever wanted is one.

So at 9pm when I hadn't heard from her, I actually asked DH, "Gosh, what happens if she can't find even 1 heartbeat? She knows I'm waiting to hear. Will she just not email/text me?"

And then I went to take a hot bath to relax. (Although I'm reading Life of Pi and it's pretty tense right now, haha). And L barged in to tell me about her text. And I just started crying in the tub, and it was a lot like my sad crying, I have to say. But I wasn't sad at all. I'm going to learn (God willing) my babies' genders tomorrow. I never thought I would get to this point. It doesn't seem real.

There is still so long to go, I know. But I can't believe we're even here.