Friday, September 21, 2012

September 2012 ICLW

Welcome to my little corner of the infertility blogging world. I feel like I've been in almost every room in the Land of IF (copyright The Stirrup Queen), from the beginning of timed intercourse (TI) and "simple" meds of Clomid, Femara and Tamoxifen, to the IUI and then IVF rooms, the loss, loss, loss, multiple loss rooms, and even the pregnancy rooms, for a little bit. We also waited in the "adoption" room for over 9 months, home study ready since October 2011. I've tasted all.

Right now I'm in a room that's totally new for me, feeling my way around. L (my hubby) and I are expecting twin girls (OMG I can't believe I can actually say that for the first time EVER) in February 2013 through a gestational carrier. If you can't stand to read about pregnancy (even virtual pregnancy like I'm living right now), I fully understand you hitting your back button RIGHT NOW. I've so been there.

However, it isn't all fun and games for me. I'm dealing with a lot of emotional issues at the same time while expecting - the feeling like a "second class citizen" because I can't seem to hold onto a damn pregnancy and trying to feel like an expectant mom while someone else is walking around with my children. My bitterness - yup, bitterness, I own it - towards all sorts of people STILL. The years of our IF journey has left me with many wounds, open still.

So my blog is full of both excitement and paranoia, hopefulness and negativity, all at the same time. I'm both jealous and yet so grateful to be where I am. After so many losses, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop and something to go wrong.

I write anonymously, and therefore, write all my feelings down, both bad and good. I think many people wouldn't admit to the things and feelings I write about, and trust me, I've gotten lambasted for it. But, fortunately or unfortunately, I don't write to educate, but to release my anxieties, and what you see is what you get, just without a name attached to it.

Thank you for reading :)

14 comments:

  1. Happy ICLW! I loved you line that you are expecting twin girls! Yaaaaaaa!! I love reading your blog and look so forward to the day I get to read a post about you finally holding those baby girls!! What a beautiful moment that will be!

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  2. Happy ICLW!! I got goosebumps when I read the line "...expecting twin girls"...I am SO very happy for you! :)

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  3. I love how honest you are! I really admire that. There are ugly feelings that come along with infertiity and it really bugs me when people act like you are the worst person in the world for not wanting to bask in other peoples pregnancies. Its just the way it is and if I was in your position I think I'd have the same perspective. Not everything in life is butterflies and rainbows and I love how you share everything.

    So happy to hear your having GIRLS!! YAY!! I'm having another girl and I'm so excited to have two girls. They are so fun...and trust me I'm not an all "pink" kinda girl either. :)

    BTW what was the reaction of your SIL and family when you told her you were expecting twins through a GC? Maybe I missed the post.

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    1. I can't decide if I'm just a terrible person to have these negative feelings (quite possible, ha) or if other people have them and won't admit to them!

      Congrats on your girl! Wait, how did I miss this? (Head up own ass, likely).

      Well....as for the reaction of my SIL and BIL...they don't know yet. You didn't miss any post :) They don't know we're expecting at all. But they will find out this weekend. I'll definitely keep you updated.

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  4. Congrats on your twin girls! That's so exciting!

    Looking forward to following your journey- I can imagine how it would be exciting and odd at the same time using a surrogate.

    ICLW #15

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    1. Thank you! You're right, "odd" is a good way to describe it!

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  5. Keep being honest - I really appreciate it! I chose to blog NOT anonymously and it's kinda sucky because I have to think so carefully about what I write and most of the time end up sharing less than I'd like and not being as honest as I need to be.

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    1. Oh, I've so been there. My first blog was not anonymous and that's when I realized I couldn't really express myself like I needed to (I'm a big expresser, haha) because people I knew would judge me. So I stopped blogging there and created a new one where I could be anonymous and it's so much better! I still get judgments sometimes but it's by people who don't know me or my story and that doesn't bother me nearly as much!

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  6. Congratulations on the twins! That's AMAZING. I can understand all of the mixed feelings you're having-who wouldn't be? But in the end you're going to have two beautiful babies who love their mommy, and that's what really matters :)

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  7. WOW! How exciting and congratulations!! I'm sure that the conflicted emotions are totally normal (although knowing that doesn't make them any easier to deal with). It's a interesting place you're in. I've no doubt that you'll feel very much a mom when those little girls arrive!!

    (ICLW)

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  8. Hi from ICLW! Congratulations on your girls!! I'm anonymous too - I need to be able to say anything without worrying what anyone close to me would think about it.

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