For a quick background on me, here's my September ICLW post.
This post is pretty TMI.
A couple of months ago at the first appointment with RE that L and I went to after the good u/s at 6 weeks (the one where I complained at how crappy the RE was about my feelings on selective reduction) she asked us what we were doing regarding birth control. L and I looked at each other and I said, "uh, nothing. I mean, nothing's worked so far, so we really haven't been worried anything's going to happen."
Well she informed us we should "worry about it" and to use protection, since she had another couple who, while working with a gestational carrier, became pregnant and were subsequently "devastated" (her word) with 3 kids all at once.
I gamely nodded along with her, and then complained afterwards to L that while it probably wouldn't be ideal, I would never be "devastated" about it. L was freaked out for awhile though, and subsequently wouldn't DTD without a condom for about....1 month. I guess going bare skin for so many years though made him strongly dislike condoms, but I told him I've taken enough chemicals into my body now that I refused to go on BCP until at least the beginning of next year.
So while we use condoms most of the time right now, every once in awhile we go without, and the latest was during our anniversary weekend in the beginning of September. And even though I wasn't doing OPKs during that time, given my skin breaking out and all the other usual signs, I knew I was ovulating. And I didn't care.
Because I knew nothing would come of it. My LMP was August 6th, and I knew I hadn't ovulated before September 1st, already 25 freaking days into the cycle. I don't have PCOS and I don't know the reason for my crazy cycles but this drives me nuts. So we went ahead and had a good weekend that weekend, and now it's September 23rd and still no period. That makes 48 days. And, all of a sudden I'm imagining sore boobs, and ...is that a little nausea? And before you know it, I've gone full tilt convincing myself I should buy a pregnancy test.
So I did today, and of course it's negative, and I know that's a GOOD thing. But at the same time I'm just so effing frustrated with my body and it trying to fool me. My cycles are long but I always ovulate, eventually. But what makes them so long and crazy? No testing has ever said I have any hormonal problems. I really wish I knew why. And I really wish I would stop thinking maybe there's a chance I could get pregnant on my own, and you know, NOT miscarry.
You always want what you don't have. Even technically "expecting" right now, I wish so much I could be the one pregnant. Gabby sent me a belly pic today and she definitely popped this week and all I can do is look at it and wish that was my belly bump.
How can I be jealous of the woman carrying MY babies? I am so ridiculous.
She heard two heartbeats tonight too. They're still holding on.
ETA: After days of staring at it, I finally corrected my mispelling devasted to devastated. I swear I really do know how to spell. I just type fast and am lazy :)