For a quick background on me, here's my September ICLW post.
This post is pretty TMI.
A couple of months ago at the first appointment with RE that L and I went to after the good u/s at 6 weeks (the one where I complained at how crappy the RE was about my feelings on selective reduction) she asked us what we were doing regarding birth control. L and I looked at each other and I said, "uh, nothing. I mean, nothing's worked so far, so we really haven't been worried anything's going to happen."
Well she informed us we should "worry about it" and to use protection, since she had another couple who, while working with a gestational carrier, became pregnant and were subsequently "devastated" (her word) with 3 kids all at once.
I gamely nodded along with her, and then complained afterwards to L that while it probably wouldn't be ideal, I would never be "devastated" about it. L was freaked out for awhile though, and subsequently wouldn't DTD without a condom for about....1 month. I guess going bare skin for so many years though made him strongly dislike condoms, but I told him I've taken enough chemicals into my body now that I refused to go on BCP until at least the beginning of next year.
So while we use condoms most of the time right now, every once in awhile we go without, and the latest was during our anniversary weekend in the beginning of September. And even though I wasn't doing OPKs during that time, given my skin breaking out and all the other usual signs, I knew I was ovulating. And I didn't care.
Because I knew nothing would come of it. My LMP was August 6th, and I knew I hadn't ovulated before September 1st, already 25 freaking days into the cycle. I don't have PCOS and I don't know the reason for my crazy cycles but this drives me nuts. So we went ahead and had a good weekend that weekend, and now it's September 23rd and still no period. That makes 48 days. And, all of a sudden I'm imagining sore boobs, and ...is that a little nausea? And before you know it, I've gone full tilt convincing myself I should buy a pregnancy test.
So I did today, and of course it's negative, and I know that's a GOOD thing. But at the same time I'm just so effing frustrated with my body and it trying to fool me. My cycles are long but I always ovulate, eventually. But what makes them so long and crazy? No testing has ever said I have any hormonal problems. I really wish I knew why. And I really wish I would stop thinking maybe there's a chance I could get pregnant on my own, and you know, NOT miscarry.
You always want what you don't have. Even technically "expecting" right now, I wish so much I could be the one pregnant. Gabby sent me a belly pic today and she definitely popped this week and all I can do is look at it and wish that was my belly bump.
How can I be jealous of the woman carrying MY babies? I am so ridiculous.
She heard two heartbeats tonight too. They're still holding on.
ETA: After days of staring at it, I finally corrected my mispelling devasted to devastated. I swear I really do know how to spell. I just type fast and am lazy :)
You are NOT ridiculous!!! Oh my goodness! How could you NOT want to be the one pregnant!? Even though we are 100% thrilled with our sweet boy, every month I get my period is still sad because I still am frustrated that it doesn't seem to "work" for us. So, I think it's totally normal to be frustrated with your body and the whole process and still be very excited for your twins. :-) I feel like it's normal for those feeling to always linger at least in part. No matter how happy we are, being pregnant will always still be a loss. But, I'm hoping/planning on it getting easier in time. :)
ReplyDeleteOf COURSE you wish it could be you carrying your babies. It's what you always expected - who expects anything else but to conceive and have their own babies? I am guessing that the hardest part is making the decision to go that route and actually waiting... once you have those babies in your arms, it won't matter how they got here! Congratulations to you, and here's hoping that the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly!
ReplyDeleteYour NOT ridiculous! This is an easy thing and your doing really well with it. It's ok, hang in there. It'll be all ok when you hold those babies!!
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're ridiculous either. While you are expecting, you have still lost the experience of carrying them yourself and no matter how happy you are about the babies thriving, that's something you're going to have to grieve and deal with. Especially with your body throwing wonky signals and doing whatever it wants, because it's another reminder and something else that you have to deal with. I get it.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to feel that way.
Totally not ridiculous! I have already prewarned my hubs that, if we ever get to your stage, I will be jealous and may well find it really hard not to feel constantly inadequate...Sorry your body is still messing with your head.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with everyone...not ridiculous at all. Those are your babies and it is completley normal to want them in your belly. Sending you a big hug!!!
ReplyDeleteI think you're reactions and feelings are totally natural. I will never go on bcp again. Our pregnancies don't work out (without help -- hopefully) and I am under no illusions that I would get pregnant on my own. But I would still probably do the same thing you're doing, even knowing it's not likely.
ReplyDeleteYou are not ridiculous. I know the important thing is that the babies arrive safely, but its hard to not want what comes so easily to others.
ReplyDeleteTotally normal. It is still a loss of what everyone else gets with ease...but such a blessing that both babies are doing great!
ReplyDeleteDid you hear about the couple (Brian and Misty Baker) that had twins x 2? I don't think devastation ever crossed their minds!! What an insensitive thing to say. To even suggest to you that accidentally becoming pregnant would be bad is just horrible!!
ReplyDeleteI think it is totally normal for you to feel jealous. And totally acceptable.
Remember, though, that right down to the placentas and amniotic sacs and amniotic fluids, they are 100% your genetic material!!
I think it's probably normal to feel jealous. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteICLW
I would probably feel jealous too. It must be hard. But it will be worth it in the end!!
ReplyDeleteI think your circumstances is definetely complicated so naturally your feelings are going to be complicated as well. Sure they are your babies but you dont get to experience carrying them. That in and of itself is a loss.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'd tell that dr to go striaght to hell. I swear its like she hates "too many" babies or something. Thats like saying you'll have too many blessings. I say if you got pregnant sure it wouldn't be ideal but in the end it would be a blessing. Throw those condoms away! ;)
IMO, I think all your feelings and thoughts are 100% valid. So there :)
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you. I can't imagine being "devastated" in that circumstance. I think that was a poor word choice from your RE, although I can understand where she is coming from. It is her job to look out for the well being of her patients.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you are ridiculous at all. Long cycles are very frustrating. The very first cycle I was TTC lasted 72 days (prior to that, my cycles were 35 - 40 days. My issue was that my thyroid hormone never got adjusted after I went off BCP. Spending every day wondering if I was pregnant sucked. Your feelings are totally normal and I admire your strength.
ReplyDelete