Second Ultrasound, and a Decision Out of Our Hands

Today was the second u/s! I was so nervous I thought I was going to be sick. I had no breakdown the night before (for once) but I just had a pit in my stomach and couldn't eat. We had to drive 3+ hours to Boston, for an 8:30am appt., so we left at 4:30am to make sure we didn't get caught in rush hour traffic.

We got there at 8am (traffic wasn't too bad) and headed to Au Bon Pain so L could get something to eat before the U/S (I still couldn't). Then I got a text from Gabby saying she was here, was going to Au Bon Pain to get something to eat because she a) STARVING!!! and b) had to pee really bad. Hahaha! Since we were already there I snuck up behind her and we squealed as only girls do :) She grabbed something to eat and we all sat down chatting it up before heading down to ultrasound.

When we got back there we had a little time in the waiting room before getting into an u/s room. We had a student doing the ultrasound (she would call the doctor afterwards) and all I could think was how much it would suck for her if the news wasn't good. She went to start the u/s and I totally chickened out and left the room. I had already told L and Gabby that I might do it, and L and I had a conversation that he was to find me in the hallway if there was even 1 hb.

I walked the hallway for what seemed like forever, fretting that they weren't able to find any hbs (but L swears it was less than a minute) before he poked his head out and said they found 1 so far (he said it in a way that I understood meant they just hadn't gotten around to looking for the other two yet. ) So I was able to breathe! I came in the room and immediately saw a second heartbeat before the U/S technician even said anything. She did her measurements and then found the third. THREE heartbeats! STILL!

But at that point my joy was mixed with pain, because we were going to see Dr. A next and I knew what the discussion was going to be about.

The three babies are all perfect - STILL.

Baby 1) HB 173 bpm, measuring 8w4d (CRL 19)
Baby 2) HB 182 bpm, measuring 8w2d (CRL 17)
Baby 3) HB 182 bpm, measuring 8w4d (CRL 19)

We headed up to see Dr. A, and she pissed me off right away. The first words out of her mouth? "I'm so sorry this is happening to you."

No congrats, no nothing else but that. She couldn't have started with a congrats for the miracles we have right now? Right away she spoke about how she really thought 3 was the way to go and based on my history she thought we had a 1% chance of all three staying (now apparently we're down from 2%) Blah blah blah. Then she laid it on thick with all the medical stuff, all the risks, but while she acknowledged how tough this is for us, she really didn't do much else in that regard.  Right away she started talking about the need to reduce, all the problems there can be, and she pissed me off for the second time.

She started talking about medical issues of triplets and how there's only a 5% chance they will come out healthy (but hey, we always hit the small percentages lotto, right?) and doomsday this and doomsday that. Then she said, "and as someone who grew up with medical issues, you know how tough it was on your parents, and I have a 9 year old daughter just diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, and the stress of seeing her going through all of that recently..." blah blah blah.

I had it and said to her, "I may not be a parent yet, but as the CHILD with medical conditions, I've had a pretty damn good life and I much would have rather had this life than not be here at all!" My work BFF told me I should have said to her, "So are you saying you'd rather your daughter not be here at all rather than have diabetes?" (Dammit I didn't think of it at the time) I mean the comparison was so ridiculous and STUPID.

Gabby was sitting there and I just said, "You know, this is a pointless discussion to have if Gabby isn't even willing to carry three. I know the contract says if there are three there will be selective reduction, so are you even willing to do so (carry 3)?" Because if she's not, lets not have the agony of this discussion, you know?

She was really uncomfortable, and I put her right on the spot, so I understand and even feel a little bit bad. But she said, "I'm nervous about all of this because I don't want our good relationship strained. I'm a medical professional (she's an NP who works in pediatrics) so I am easily able to come to it from a medical angle, which I know you guys can't. But I also know how long you guys have been trying for a baby and I can't even imagine how you feel right now. But I'm really worried about bed rest, and pre-eclampsia and being there for my family (long term). And I don't think I can take the risk for my family. "

It was really difficult for her to say that, and I can respect that, and appreciate the fact that she felt comfortable enough to say what she needed to. But I guess that's it, the decision is out of our hands. We will not be coming home with 3 babies.

There is still a chance we may lose one on its own, as my last miscarriage was at 11w, but for now, we have an ultrasound scheduled with Maternal Fetal Medicine in 2 more weeks (we'll be 10w4d for that one). Then they will do the NT scan around 12 weeks to determine if any of them have a genetic defect to make the "choice" of which one goes "easier" (G-damn it, these effing quotes are all over the place and I mean them all in the most cynical way) and if they are all fine they said it's the one easiest to get to and SR is done around 12-14 weeks. We've never made it to 12 weeks before, so it will be the most developed baby we've ever seen. And then we have to destroy it. Kill me.

I don't like that they will choose whichever easiest to get to. I don't know what other way would be better though. I feel bad because it's whichever poor one picked the "bad" spot to implant. If I can think of a better way I will ask for that instead, but as of right now I can't think.

So babies, it's your momma here, and please listen to me. I love you all so much, please know that. You guys are stronger than I ever would have thought possible and I am so grateful all of you decided to stick around. But if there's one of you who wants to sacrifice yourself for "the team" or feels too crowded in there (just one of you, mind you!), it's ok if you decide to go. I would much rather you make the decision than us having to make it for you. And please know if it was up to me, I would keep all of you in an instant faster than your respective heartbeats. 

How is it I go from praying for my babies to live to asking one of them to go? This is so wrong.

I should be so happy and excited today. No matter what, it can never be easy.