Difficult Day

Last night was a bad night, followed by a difficult morning.

I sent Gabby an email yesterday. I needed to get my feelings out, but I know it must have burdened her as well. I put all the blame on Dr. A, and not her, but I'm sure I stressed her out. But I just needed to get it out and she was the only one who knows the situation.

I told her that we want to continue to have a good relationship with her and her family through this process and maybe even afrterwards, but that I felt attacked (bombarded is really the better word) by Dr. A yesterday. I told her how upset I was about the doctor not even saying Congratulations before running her mouth off.

I told her I felt like the 4 of us, her, her husband, me and L could have discussed this together without Dr. A's interjections. We probably would have even come to the same conclusion (that we would do whatever she felt comfortable with) but that I was just so upset because I felt like my feelings weren't respected by Dr. A at all. If things hadn't been one-sided or if the fact that these are my children had been more acknowledged by her it would have been better. I told her that's why I had emailed her (Gabby) several weeks ago to discuss even though it was so early because I was afraid of this.

To be honest, I knew Dr. A would push things, but I didn't think for one second I would have felt as bombarded as I did.

I told her that L and I agreed to the contract and I would never back out on it or ask her to. But that I loved my babies so much and just feel like a horrible "mother." That I felt I was led astray in following Dr. A's advice that that she shouldn't have been so agressive considering there's no definitive answer as to what is wrong with me in the baby department.

Even yesterday, Dr. A was trying to pin her reasoning on my eggs. My eggs which she never commented on when she initially told us to pursue a gestational carrier. Considering all 3 have made it thus far I asked her if there was ever going to come a point in this pregnancy where she could say, "Hmm, maybe not your eggs. Maybe it was your uterus after all. or some other unknown." But she said never. Really? Never? I mean, I'm not asking for a 100% it's not your eggs exclamation, but a "probably not your eggs" would have sufficed. It's like she can't bear to say she may have been wrong.

I told Gabby that that I never wanted to put three in and just discard one if all three implanted and I feel like that's what Dr. A may have been thinking we could just do. That I almost wish Dr. A was the one who had to do the actual SR because none of this affects her in the slightest.

So, I was pretty harsh on Dr. A. And I probably shouldn't be telling these things to my carrier who is holding my babies right now. But I'm upset and I want her to know it. I mean, I think it was obvious in person yesterday but I just wanted it said. I know it won't change anything and I don't want to affect our relationship but maybe it will because she'll be mad I burdened her with it. It's such a fine line of expressing yourself yet wanting to stay on good terms because she has my babies with her.

I hope I didn't ruin it.