Just got SIL's baby shower invite in the mail. I feel totally deflated, totally gutted. Why? Really, it should not affect me as much as it is.
It's a printed invite (tinyprints?) and says at the top - (SIL) is having...and then in effing HUGE letters - TWINS!!!!!
Hosted by both my MIL and of course, SIL's mother. So MIL has known about this but couldn't tell us in advance? Apparently no one could have given us the heads up this was coming? Man, my FRIENDS are kinder to me than my own family!
In addition to the registries mentioned, they also want two baby books brought for each of the "girls." Instead of cards. This is how I felt about her wedding shower - she had a wishing well...so an additional gift to the shower gift.
Yeah, if it was anyone else, I probably wouldn't care at all. I get that I'm being hypocritical.
I just keep trying to think how I'm going to do my shower. I want it to be totally different from hers.
I think it's tacky when people tell you to bring a book or a box of diapers instead of a card. One of my SILs had a double shower with her friend (I definitely did NOT go) and had the diaper request in there... ummm, no. Anyway. I got off topic, showers are a touchy subject still...
ReplyDeleteSorry no one gave you a heads up :( They probably didn't even think how hurtful this might be for you, especially with the surrogacy situation right now. People just never consider that maybe it still hurts, or that maybe you aren't as happy about something as they are. I wish they were more considerate.
It's not tacky to ask for books, but it's definitely is rude to ask for diapers! I've never seen that. Try to be more open-minded about the books. It's wonderful for the kids and doesn't need to cost that much. Sometimes you spend 4 or 5 dollars on a card, so why not get a book that will last a lifetime and teach the child?
DeleteHmm...what's the difference between books or diapers?
DeleteI think showers are just touchy with many of us in the IF world. I fully admit if it was another friend I probably wouldn't mind as much (then again, if it were another friend I wouldn't have to go either).
I fully understand! I had to totally avoid showers and had to make up excuses about why I couldn't go. I haven't been to one since I had my own, and I still have a weird feeling about them. Infertility affects your life profoundly and forever. I honestly felt uneasy and not that ecited about my own showers! I also really resent people who get pregnant so easily. Hopefully this will lessen over time!
DeleteThat stinks that you didn't hear about it ahead of time...
ReplyDeleteBut... I think the book request isn't meant to be asking you to spend more money. My friends did this for my shower (I'm a speech pathologist and a huge literacy advocate) and I loved it. Now when I read to Levi I tell him who gave us the book and how much they love him. They sit on the shelves among the books that my mother saved for me that are signed by MY grandparents, aunts and uncles, and parent's friends. I mean you could spend $3.00 on a card or spend a few more dollars on a small book that a child might have their lifetime.
I know it's probably just making you a little bitter because of who it is... but just thought I'd share my thoughts about the "book" trend. I think it's a good one.
Yup, it's totally because of who it is. I admit it. Plus, since it's two babies, I already have to bring two presents, plus now, 2 books. Just seems like a lot to me.
DeleteI think I'll bring one book and the sisters can share :)
Sounds like a good idea to me! I mean a person can't possibly have two copies of every children's book!
DeleteI understand how she can upset you, but the books are a good idea. We had everyone bring a book to my twin shower (or two) instead of a card and it really is wonderful to have a library of books for the babies before they are even born! I would highly encourage you to do this too! My babies love the books! I did this for my sister's shower to and I put on the invite "it need not cost more than a card." Some people got more expensive books, but some just got a little one that cost a couple dollars. So excited for you!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the excitement :)
DeleteBaby showers hurt, no matter who they are for. It's even harder when it's your own family and you feel left out of the loop. I'm sorry. I simply didn't go to showers for a long time because it was too painful, and at one point my mom said something to me that I still haven't really forgiven. She said, "Emily, I really worry that someday when it's time for you to have your own shower no one is going to come because of how you're acting right now." I told her that if my friends couldn't understand why it was so hard for me to go (especially for babies that were due when I was supposed to be having mine that were lost), then they weren't friends I needed to keep. And so far, everyone has been understanding of that (as far as I know). Unfortunately, those without the context of what IF and loss really feel like to a woman just don't get it at all, so it's hard for them to understand. You just have to try to be gentle with yourself and all yourself to feel what you feel without feeling guilty about it. It's all justified and understandable. The bitterness and jealousy we seem to harbor within us after going through so much heartbreak are not who we really are. It's not us, it's what's happened to us. It sucks and I feel guilty about these feelings all of the time, but I truly believe it's OK to just feel how we feel. Be easy on yourself, friend. You have a lot on your plate right now. I'm sorry you have to deal with something so painful right within your own family. That makes it extra hard.
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers to you,
E
Thank you, Emily. This is so true and I needed to hear it. I think that's a terrible thing your mom said, but it's something my mother-in-law would say, (she told me and DH we need to "get over it (our losses) already," so I can imagine how you must have felt. Not that my mom is much better.
DeleteThank you for your gentleness with me.
That's really crappy no one could give you the heads up in advance:(
ReplyDeleteOne thing I feel I've learned this past year and half after I first lost my son is people don't want to tell you certain things, like pregnancy or in your case about the twins, but then you still get the baby shower invite, or hear through someone else what's going on and then it hurts worse. People don't seem to realize its gonna hurt anyway.
I had never heard of people bringing books instead of cards for a baby shower until my friend did that for mine back in March. I guess I can see one book, and I get that there is twins, but books can be spendy and that's not even including the regular gift off a registry.
I have yet to see a cheap kids book out there (one that's the same cost as a card, but I also don't buy pricey cards :) Plus, can I really buy a cheap book for my SIL? Probably not without a comment.
DeleteI think I will stick with one book. That'll make me feel better a little bit :)
Haha, sometimes that's all you want to hear! :)
ReplyDeleteOh man, I know JUST how you feel! My SIL also had twins a few weeks ago, and it totally blind-sided me! Add to that, my BIL and his wife got pregnant right away after their wedding, too, and are expecting a December baby. Ugh. It never gets easier to see... In fact, I got another twins announcement on FB today, and although it wasn't family, it still knocked me for a loop!
ReplyDeleteI am SUPER excited about your news, though, and I want to offer my congrats along with a little tip on your celebration... HAPPY HOUR BABY SHOWER!!!
I am spreading this idea all over the internet, LOL. Happy ICLW, and congrats again! :D
Its all depends on you choice and you can make it different according to your choice.Now concentrate on your gift of books for your SIL baby shower.
ReplyDeletePooh Baby Shower