Of course, by my writing that last post, I got an email from her right afterwards. And you know what, I'm even MORE annoyed than I was before I got it. Because she basically ignored everything I wrote to her. I even forwarded it to L to ask what he thought, and he replied, "Did she even get your email?" Which made me double check - maybe I had messed up the email address or something!
But no, it went to her, and she just moved on and sent me a nice, bright, upbeat email about how her boobs are finally growing. Stuff that in normal times (aka before Tuesday) I would have laughed about, but am now just hurt.
I don't know what I was expecting - I didn't think anything was going to change, but an acknowledgment would have been nice. Something along the lines of "Got your email. I'm so sorry this has to be so hard, I'm upset about it too. But on a positive note...(talk about boobs THEN).
I mean, she did write this one sentence halfway through her email (so it got kind of lost).
I don't mean to ignore the very difficult decision of reduction that might have to be made (I'm still hoping for a natural one!) but I also can't ignore (since I have all the symptoms!) the fact that you guys are going to have babies! I was always worried about what if I never got pregnant or what if I miscarried, etc... I know we still have a month to go until we're truly in the "safe zone" but it's still so exciting on my part to think that you're going to fill out that nursery! I hope the good outweighs the bad!
L think that she just can't go negative (like I can so easily, and most long term IFers and RPLers) and that in order to deal she just needs to move on, but once again, I feel like my feelings have been minimized.
I guess too, is that I need to be positive. I still have 2 babies (hopefully) that will need me. I need to be there for them. *I* need to move on, because *I* don't have a choice in the matter. And thinking and ruminating about it constantly is not going to help me move on. But because I feel so bad, so guilty about it, I think I feel like I need to punish myself, so that in some way makes up (to God? for karmic purposes? I really have no idea) for what is going to happen.
What a painful and difficult situation to be in. I have been catching up on your journey and my heart goes out to you. I'm amazed that they put back three embryos to start with! I'm so sorry you have to take the blow of it all and not be able to stop it from happening.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that your feelings have been minimized here. She sounds so positive that I think it would drive me mad, personally, but I have a hard time being around people so chipper.
ReplyDeleteContinuing to keep you in my thoughts.
I have been told a good carrier is someone who is on the chipper happy go lucky side, but reading all of this makes me annnoyed by her remarks as well. It is a sucky situation but its your situation, your babies, your life. I hope she starts being able to communicate with you better or this will make for an even longer road.
ReplyDeleteWell, seeing all of those exclamation points in her response just irritated me. This is NOT the time to be THAT excited! I'm so sorry that this is what it has to come to, and I will just hope and pray that there can be another way and, if not, that you have the strength, peace, and healing needed to get through this. ~ hugs ~
ReplyDeleteI have a hard time with so much optimism and bubbly positivity too, but then like you said, that comes from experiencing loss and IF, and just all of the sadness that comes with that. Either way, I don't think it was right of her to not even acknowledge what you wrote and I'm not sure what I would do now in your shoes. Maybe she really just doesn't know WHAT to say, and similar to many loss and IF situations, many people find it easier to just say nothing at all, even when that's NOT the right thing to do. Again, I'm sorry you are stuck in this difficult position. It's just not fair that these are YOUR babies and you are the one most effected, and yet you don't get any say in what gets decided. Such a tricky situation and I wish you weren't faced with this right now so you could just enjoy the growth and health of your babes as you should be able to do! Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteThat is so frustrating. I am guessing she just does not know what to say, and her default is to try and focus on the positive. However, that does not really help much when all you want to do is discuss the the situation. Hopefully the lines of communication get better (maybe she will be better in person/ on the phone ... it is harder to avoid difficult topics in those situations when they are brought up). Wishing you strength as you move forward. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry babe. Hang in there. I'm sorry this is rough. No one is forgetting your feelings, I just don't think she gets it or can think about the bad stuff. Just try and think about the day those babies are born.
ReplyDeleteI agree that I think she just doesn't understand it from your perspective. I think she "hears" you, but can't get it because she's never been where you are, with everything you've gone through. What an impossible situation. My heart hurts for you.
ReplyDeleteHm, I'd be put out a bit by that, too. But maybe your husband is right and she just deals with it differently. Still, some acknowledgement of your email would have been nice.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't think she's being insensitive so much as she isn't the one really going through all that you have been through. Big hugs to you.
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