Monday, July 16, 2012

Things I Didn't Know

Over the last few weeks, I have learned how much I don't know about gestational surrogacy. First off, I've learned I shouldn't call it surrogacy at all, especially since in my state there are criminal penalties associated with it. It really is "gestational carrier" but that to me describes a person, not a process. Gestational carrierism? LOL! So I keep referring to it as gestational surrogacy.

There are only about 1500 surrogate births per year in the U.S. That is an incredibly small amount when you think about that over 4 MILLION babies are born each year in the U.S. And of those surrogate births, the majority are actually wealthy foreigners who hire American surrogates (largely because surrogacy is illegal in their countries). Most of the rest are close friends or family members of intended parents themselves. I haven't seen how many are born through agency agreements every year, but I imagine it's a small amount of that 1500. For instance, I saw somewhere that the state of New Jersey had 12 surrogate births last year. MA is a surrogacy-friendly state, so there's probably more, but man, that's not a lot!

Surrogacy Laws by State

This is probably is why there's just not that many resources on talking about surrogacy with people. I mean, there's tons of stuff out there on adoption and how to tell people, work, etc., but I haven't found ONE thing on surrogacy (and I'm an expert Googler). 

I'm not ashamed of doing surrogacy. My inlaws and parents already know obviously. Eventually our families will know. My closest friends already know and I will have no problem telling less close friends as it comes up. But work? I don't mind telling my boss because I have to, and she's discreet enough. But I have some co-workers who are so nosy and rude and they will ask crass questions about it. And L keeps saying I can just tell them to mind their own business, but I really can't. Because they actually don't realize they are being rude.

I keep getting so ahead of myself. I'm so nervous this won't work, so why am I thinking so far ahead this time? I never did before.

I think it's because I have nothing else to do. I don't have any symptoms to think about and google. So all I have is to think about what I *will* have to do at some point.

Regarding adoption, I haven't heard from the agency since this point, we will probably not agree to any more profilings. Probably after the next u/s we will tell them we are "pregnant" so we won't get profiled anymore.

And that's hard too. Most of my friends knew we were doing adoption, but don't know about surrogacy. I just got an email from one of them yesterday asking how the process was going? And I told her we'd gotten profiled but not picked yet, but still couldn't find a way to mention surrogacy. And I should probably do that before we have any babies birthed, because then everyone will think we adopted them.

Tomorrow is Gabby's birthday! I've ordered an Edible Arrangements to be delivered to her house (she's not working tomorrow for once!). Figured fruit was good for a nauseous woman + her kids (one of her kids actually had minor surgery so she's staying home tomorrow to take care of her) and I don't know many of her other likes.

I'm debating crafting a questionnaire for her to help with future gift giving ideas. Edible Arrangements is kind of a cop-out plus holy cow! It has gotten expensive! $55 for a small bouquet? Outrageous. But I couldn't come up with anything else. I want to save a prenatal massage for later on in pregnancy - and that's it, I'm out of ideas. Please, if anyone has any, send them my way.

But I'm serious...sending her an email saying I need to know this for the future.

  • color
  • movie
  • tv show
  • food
  • book
  • activity
  • way to relax
  • any others?
Maybe I should send it to her husband instead and let him answer :) 


  1. It is crazy how the laws differ so much.

    I really don't have any advice on the gift giving... I'm terrible at it myself. Sorry! Maybe ask her husband about it, about flowers/scents/taste in books/movies?

  2. The state that my potential carrier is from surrogacy is also illegal. I try real hard to only refer to it as "using a gestational carrier", but your right there has got be a better term and most people don't seem to understand until you say gestational surrogacy, so a lot of times I just say that.
    Not sure on gifts either???? I tend to be a gift card kind of person.