Control

I'm having a hard time giving up control.

Today is 5 weeks. Gabby and family left for a weeklong vacation today, so I likely won't hear from her. On Friday she sent me some pictures from her son's birthday party - they got a blow up slip and slide and she told me she couldn't wait to go on it.

Um....

Should she be going on a slip n slide, even 4w5d pregnant?

I didn't say anything, though I wanted to. She's given birth to 3 healthy, wonderful kids. She knows what to do and not to do. For all I know, she was just sitting in the pool at the end to cool off.

But it's hard.

Last night I had my first anxiety dream. I don't even remember it all now, but it involved living in a house with people who I knew in my dream but I don't know in real life. And I was waiting and waiting, and then found out (along with two other people, men for some reason) that our babies had already been born 4 months earlier and died because no one had taken care of them (whoever had given birth to them was not in my dream at all, nor was it a question of mine.) Instead I was just crying, bawling in my dream, the pain of the last 4 years built up in my subconscious spilling out in my dream.

Unlike the movies, I guess, I didn't wake up crying, but even right now I can feel the same pain I felt in my dream internally. And in my dream I just kept saying, "well, those other people can try again, but this is it for me. I can't. My chance is over."

And I woke up to an email from Gabby in which she said "I'm still waiting anxiously for my breast tenderness and nausea."

I remember how my boobs hurt with my twins. I can't remember when they started hurting but I feel like it was very early. Like 5 weeks early. So it scares me that she feels nothing. Especially if it is twins. Then again, it may not be for a few more days yet. And I KNOW I didn't have any nausea until almost 8 weeks and then it hit with a vengeance.

Whatever, Ducky. Your babies have their best chance in Gabby's uterus. There's nothing you can do either way. And it's interesting how at exactly 5 weeks last time I was having these same exact feelings.

I've calculated when I will be able to breathe again. That will happen Tuesday, August 28th, 5pm - when Gabby officially hits 13 weeks.  Please let us not only get that far, but get the whole way this time.