So Close Yet So Far

So I tested yesterday on my internet cheapies (the ones supposedly sensitive to 10mIU). I saw the faintest of positives if I looked the right way. L couldn't really see it (then again, he couldn't see an obviously positive FRER for my first pregnancy either, so I'm not really concerned about that).

I POAS again with the IC today. Line seems to me almost about exactly the same, that is VERY VERY VERY faint. But I could swear it's there, and has the faintest purplish color. It can't all be in my head?

But I'm concerned it's the same darkness as yesterday. Today is 9dp3dt, which is 12dpo, and while I've never gotten a positive before 14dpo, I would think it would look darker than yesterday.

I know a line is a line, but I wonder if these "lines" could be all in my head. They are THAT faint. But on 7dp3dt I know the test was stark white.

So I will test with a FRER tomorrow. I almost don't want to. I don't want to see a negative with a REAL test that I trust.

After nearly 2 1/2 years, I deserve a positive, don't I? I've done all the hard work, I didn't expect anything to just be handed to me. Can't I catch a break here?

But my boobs feel a little less sensitive today, my stomach a little less bloated. I'm down over a pound since yesterday. None of this seems like a good sign.

We also have to put down one of our cats tonight. He was perfectly fine (or so it seemed) until a couple of days ago. He's 14 years old (but was a stray the first 4 years of his life), and all of a sudden was having trouble breathing. We brought him into the vet yesterday morning and they drained 160ml of fluid from around his lungs.

L explained to me that my Bravelle shots were about 1ml, so that's a lot of fluid to drain from a kitty :(

They found a tumor in his lungs afterwards, and think it's secondary, but they can't find the first tumor. We brought him home last night and gave him yummy tuna and an electric blanket that he loves but he just wasn't interested.

He's having trouble breathing again today, so we're guessing the fluid is recollecting. With that and the not eating, we know he just can't take anymore. We're waiting on the vet to call us with the results from the tests they did yesterday (they sent out the fluid to be tested) but odds are we'll be going back in tonight and coming home with an empty cat carrier.

No Merlin, and a BFN? I don't think I can stand it.