Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Wait, You Mean It’s What I Told You It Was?

Got the call from the nurse while I was in a training this morning, my HCG was negative.  No really, you think?  You mean, the fact that I got my period – hardcore, btw- last Thursday means I’m not pregnant?  Wow, what a revelation.  Thanks for making me wait till CD6 for the Clomid.

Yes, I got the Clomid, despite the fact that they told me it gives me a higher risk of M/C this month.  First of all, I don’t believe it.  The fact that I haven’t been pregnant for the last 15 months did jack for me this month with my second M/C.  Second of all, it was a chemical pregnancy. It barely got off the ground :(

I had a normal length period this month (heavier than normal, but no wonder since my progesterone was 22.8), which makes me really feel as if my risk for M/C is the same as it always was.  Third, I’m not waiting anymore.  I’m hoping to O on my right side this month, which is my GOOD side.  Left was supposedly blocked (although of course, we got PG last month, so who knows?)

So Clomid it is, days 6-10.  Have to call tomorrow to schedule the U/S.  Then the RE on Thursday.  STILL no word on the genetic testing.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

What a Day

So, after calling the nurse a gajillion times, I’m going to get bloodwork taken after work at the hospital.  She’s faxing the order for bloodwork. Of course, you know the last time they did that, they were unable to find the order – who thinks that will be the case tonight?  *raises hand*

I asked to get the thrombophilia panel done at the same time but she wants to discuss it with the doctor first…so not tonight.  Or tomorrow probably…maybe before I see the RE on Thursday?

I have to get up the nerve to ask for my medical files to bring to the RE on Thursday.  Ugh…not looking forward to that.

ETA: The hospital had the faxed order.  I exclaimed to the registrar, “I’m shocked you guys had it!”  She looked at me, dourly, and replied, “Me too.”  Ahh, nothing like a little agreement to inspire confidence.

I’m doubting I will get the Clomid, even if my HCG is at 0.  It’s just the feeling I’m getting from the nurse.  She seemed ok with it today, but I bet the doctor will veto it tomorrow.

3 more days to my RE appointment.

Monday, April 26, 2010

No, I Can't Wait One More Month

The nurse called and told me I could go get bloodwork and do Clomid starting tomorrow (days 6-10 instead of days 5-9) but that the doctor wanted me to know there was a higher chance of M/C.  Then she said that if I didn’t take Clomid this month there is still a sort of “rebound effect” from it – so that my cycle would be more normalized anyway.

I told her I’d call her back because I was walking with one of my coworkers back from lunch, but now I don’t know what she meant.  Take a cycle off from trying all together?  Or just a cycle off from Clomid?  The latter I’m willing to do but not the former.  Besides, it’s been more than a year since our first miscarriage – obviously waiting that long didn’t help this time for it.  And I can’t wait any longer.  Seriously, another month without trying will just put me farther into depression.

So of course, when I go to call her back, I have to wait half an hour because they’re at lunch.  Finally at 1:30pm I call and they’re back in the office, but I get her VM.  Ugh…so still waiting for a call back.  I really don’t want to wait a whole ‘nother cycle.  I can’t do it.

I’m 31. I’m going to be 32 in October.  Which means I’ll be halfway to 33 by the time I give birth if I get pregnant in the next few months.

I never thought I would be this old and not be a mom by now.  I’ve been waiting and trying for so long.  This is killing me.

In the Beginning

In the beginning, there was a baby girl, born with a heart condition.  The doctors told her parents that she wouldn't live, but live she did. First past the first few weeks, then to a year.  The doctors were amazed, but concerned, and warned her parents she wouldn't live till 5 years, then 10.  But they were wrong. She survived and thrived.

In the fall of her sixteenth year, she met a boy, and they fell in love, just days before she came down with a life threatening illness related to her heart.  Their romance on hold, she soon recovered and they dated, went to the prom, went to college.  The doctors told her family she wouldn't go to college, but once again, they were wrong.

Somewhere inbetween, the boy and girl said goodbye, thinking their story together was over.  The girl graduated college and headed west to law school, this time against the doctors' advice.  But what did she care? They'd always been wrong before. She wanted to get away,"to find a dream and a life of [her] own, a place in the clouds, a foundation of stone."

But now, into her 20s, she started thinking more of the future, which as far as she could see was wide open to her.  No restrictions as far as she could see.  She saw new doctors out west, who told her that babies were a possibility, and she tucked that precious info away for a later point in life.  But she saw no rush, and she saw no hurry.  Life would continue to take its pace and she was content with it.

After law school, the girl moved back East, and somehow, someway found her boy once again.  Of course, as it happens, babies were wanted, and she went back to her old doctors.  They told her to be able to have her babies she needed to undergo major heart surgery, but at the end, they told her, she would reap the benefits.  They'd never been right before, but she believed them this time because she wanted to so much.  The surgery did not go well, and at the end she was no better; in fact - somewhat worse than before.  Finally, after 27 years, the girl left those doctors, and found new ones.

Through all of this, the boy held her hand, and finally he and the girl were married - a lifelong dream finally realized after so many years.  Then, luckily, the girl found herself pregnant, and she and the boy were thrilled, until the first miscarriage occurred.  The new doctors told her she needed to have a second heart surgery to not only give her a chance at her babies, but to prolong her life as well.  This time, the doctors were right. She was finally given the green light to try again, and finally, 6 months later, a second pregnancy, and then a second miscarriage.

Which brings us to today.