Hit and Miss Christmas

Well Christmas didn't turn out exactly as planned, but was nice anyway. Our numbers dropped to about half when on Christmas Eve, we found out that my brother and SIL (25 weeks pregnant) were in the hospital because she was sick. They spent all day there and it made me nervous, because my brother is a nurse anesthetist and works in hospitals all the time and not the type to go to the ER unless he was very worried.

But it turns out she was just very sick with a stomach bug and needed fluids. And she had a UTI too. Ugh, sounds miserable. So she stayed home for Christmas and her parents and sister decided to stay home as well. My brother made the trek up to us and my parents came up as planned though, so there were only 5 of us in the end. Still it was nice, because it was just the family and not the same pressure with people you don't know as well. We made a ton of good food and will have leftovers the rest of the week! We talked about baby names and we spilled the news to my parents and bro (and my mom LIKES the names, oh my goodness!) and bro spilled his too! It actually would have been our son's name (if we'd had a boy) - so we now know we have similar tastes in names :) I'm so excited.

We gave my brother and SIL a gift from their registry (a bassinet) and my parents gave me this for Christmas. I love it. I'm wearing it right now, even though nearly no one at works knows I'm expecting and probably would be like, "Uh, what?" if they were to see it.

 

 

Gabby is presently on her way to NH after an MFM appointment this morning. The babies are getting a bit more varied in size from each other now. Baby M (previously baby A) is only 2lb14oz (6th percentile) and her femurs are only measuring 28.9 weeks (so basically just under 29 weeks). Baby N (previously baby B) is 3lbs5oz (34th percentile) and her femurs are measuring 29.9 weeks (just under 30 weeks, which isn't too far off from where we are). The difference between 34th percentile and 6th percentile is only 7oz. which doesn't sound so bad, but I guess since the weights are still so small at this point that's why it's such a huge difference. They checked Baby M very carefully, including doing a doppler of her placenta/cord and everything was A-OK, they see no reason for her smallness that they can tell, other than genetically. Her amniotic fluid is still measuring low-normal though. Baby N's amniotic fluid is totally normal.

 

Gabby reassurred me by telling me about her two daughters (both singletons). The older one was 18 oz. more at birth than the younger one, so she says, if they had been in the womb together at the same time she's sure they would have shown a marked difference between them. As ours (L's and mine) are fraternal twins, they're really just normal siblings sharing a womb, and two siblings can be very difference. Even today, when you look at Gabby's daughters, her youngest one (besides being younger) is just smaller overall than the older one.

 

And as I've said previously, my aunts and grandmother (all on my dad's side) are all under 5 feet tall. My mom is 5'2" and my grandmother on my mom's side was 5'3". I'm the tallest female in the family at almost (but not quite!) 5'6". And then there's L's side of the family to take into account as well (not many females in the family so I don't know! But his mother is shorter than I am). So if you end up with one baby the size of my aunt and one baby my size, there's your difference. They came from two different eggs, two different sperm, even if they're both related to us there can be a difference.

 

Even with my own siblings - both my parents are Puerto Rican, so me and my siblings are also 100% Puerto Rican. But we all look very different. I am the oldest, and the lightest skin, my brother a little darker, and my sister, the youngest, the darkest overall. My father is your stereotypical Puerto Rican, rather short, dark skin, black hair, and then you have me, about his height, white skin, blonde (ha, well used to be, now dirty blonde/light brown) hair. I'd be worried if I didn't look exactly like my mother and have other features from my father :)

 

So, I'm just hoping everything will be ok, and am so glad they did the doppler of the placenta, because that makes me feel a lot better. However, they did tell Gabby today that if the baby gets below 5th percentile, she'll be going on bedrest. Luckily, she should be taking it really easy on vacation in NH so I'm hoping that'll be pushed off. I do think she'll be on bedrest before the end of the pregnancy, but the few weeks it's for, the better for us, as we have to pay her salary when she's on bedrest.

 

I do think she's been pushing herself too hard, and it's hard because I don't have control of it. At least she stopped going to the gym, but with 3 kids and christmas and working full time, in the third trimester with twins - I'm sure she's run herself ragged. Luckily she's got this week and her load at work will be lighter when she's back. Her husband is trying to convince her to go part time until the babies are born (even that will be less to pay for so I'm all for it) but she says her job isn't really that hard and it'll stress her out MORE being at home. I can see that.

 

She's going to start going every week now till birth, which means more updates for me - whee!! Now that we're almost to January, it's finally feeling like it's getting close!! He does think she'll go full term (full term being 38 weeks for us) her cervix is looking great, the babies are not in the birth canal yet - oh yea, they're been trouble makers - both are breech and it's looking like they won't be switching from that position, so c-section for us! so that's good.

 

Her rash is driving her nuts and they finally told her she needs to go on oral prednisone. She's hesitant for a number of reasons, one being for the babies (I really appreciate that) but it looks like it'll be ok since there's such a small number of weeks left now. She's going to try to make it one more week without it. We'll see!

 

And now I'm wondering if it's possible I could have picked up the bug from my brother (who was not sick) in the time he was over yesterday. I've already thrown up twice today, can't seem to keep anything down. Gah!

 

 

 

 

Tick Tock Tick Tock

A friendly acquaintance of mine...you know those people, more than acquaintance, less than a GOOD friend? :) just gave birth yesterday to a singleton at 31w2d. She was technically due 2 days after our due date of 2/17. It totally shocked me when I opened up FB this morning! Now I keep wondering if my babies will even make it to February! Please please please!

It didn't help that yesterday I finally got the reports from last week's ultrasounds. No one had mentioned to me that one of the babies amniotic levels were at "low normal." The other one just said, "normal." It's baby A too, who's the smaller one of the two (even though they've been almost identical in size till now, yesterday was the first time I noticed a difference). I questioned Gabby while Googling (of course) and she said that the doc had told her, "Low normal is still normal!" and he wasn't worried. Well, he may not be, but of course I am!

I know it could be a matter of it just being the lucky moment that Baby A was drinking amniotic fluid BEFORE peeing it back out, but I just get the feeling it's going to get worse. And even though their sizes were still ok last week, when I typed them into the fetal measurements website that I do each time (Yes, I'm crazy) I noticed a marked change. Obviously they're not decreasing in size, but they definitely are growing more slowly. I recently learned that Gabby's sister had IUGR with her singleton pregnancy, and I really think we're going to run into it here. I don't know that yet, but I just have this feeling.

It seems like yesterday was L's tipping point on this pregnancy. I heard no less than 3 times - "OMG, those babies could come any day!" I love it.

27 Week Bump Pic

27 week bump pic with faces (hopefully) blurred out. It's kinda hard to see. I think she looks pretty small for twins at this point.

I got the reports in the mail last night though, and I was pretty pleased with them. Definitely did not feel as worried as she prepared me to be (maybe it's reverse pyschology- ha!) At 26w4d they were weighing 1lb 14oz. and 1lb 15oz. respectively - just shy of 2 lbs which is right around where they should be by 27 weeks, or so I thought.

Heads are measuring larger - 28 weeks I think :) Figures they'd have big heads, lol. But yes, the femurs of both girls are about a week, week and a half smaller, as is the abdominal circumference of one of them.

Short femurs could mean down syndrome or dwarfism, but I really doubt both of them would get one of those. I'm more afraid about IUGR and don't know much about it, though I've started researching. It seems like in addition to short femurs, it also involves low weight under 10%. I looked up the weights on Dr. Google (of course) and there seems to be conflicting answers. On the same website (http://www.baby2see.com/medical/charts.html), if I type in their weight to see the percentile - I get 25th and 28th percentile respectively. Yet in a chart below, it says that at 27 weeks (a few days ahead of their last measurements), their weight is more appropriate to 26 weeks gestational age (so right around 10th percentile). A 27 weeker should weigh on average 2lbs 5oz according to the chart.  When you look up pregnancy by the week (i.e. http://www.babycenter.com/6_your-pregnancy-27-weeks_1116.bc) it says at 27 weeks, your baby weighs almost 2lbs, right in line with where they are. So I don't know. So much conflicting information. Gabby goes back next week for another measurement so I just hope things stay in line or get better, and don't go down anymore.

So, we just wait and see and hope all is well.

Happenings in the Ducky House

Another u/s this past week. I don't have the report yet, but Gabby said everything looked good, amniotic fluid, cervical length etc. The girls are measuring small, one in the 11th (!!) percentile, the other in the 19th percentile. Yeesh. But she says the doctor said he doesn't get worried unless it's the 5th percentile. That's good...I guess. I just hope it doesn't go down any further. Consider both L and I don't come from the tallest families (believe it or not, but after my brother and father, I am the tallest person in my family, over my grandfather and every other woman in my family. My aunts and grandmother are actually not even 5 feet tall.), I am trying to hope that's the reason. And, they're twins, right? Less room, smaller babies? I dunno. I'm going with that and trying to save a freakout for later on, if it gets worse. I'm worried about IUGR.

L is right now in the nursery, tearing up the carpet, pad, and nails in order to put in our laminate flooring in. So exciting! And a bit nervewracking, if we totally screw it up. He assured me ahead of time that he had experience helping his dad, but has made a few comments since then how impressed he is with himself that he's doing a good job. Ha, that doesn't exactly make me feel confident about his skills :)

I went ahead and bought a prenatal massage for Gabby for Christmas, and I bought a mug for her on Etsy that reads "Proud Surrogate...I make families. What's YOUR superpower?" I love it and can't wait to mail it.

We thought we should buy her family some presents too but didn't want to go too crazy - so we got her husband a bottle of Jack Daniel's, and a kid's board game for the three of them. We had planned to give them this when we saw them after Thanksgiving but that didn't work out and we're not sure when we'll see them again so we have to mail it all. Hope they like it!

This is the post that doesn't end...

We made it home alive :)

I'm not sure which way is up. Usually when I take a vacation, I leave on a Saturday and come home on a Saturday so I start my new work week on Monday like everyone else. Well, we flew back in late Tuesday night and I took off Weds. to clean up/do laundry etc. so today was my first day back at work. And I'm all discombobulated. But it is awesome that tomorrow is Friday!!

Yesterday my back started hurting again and by nightfall I knew I had thrown it out again. WTF? How do I keep doing this? My chiro says it's not any one thing I'm doing but some repetitive twisting motion that doesn't show up until later. unfortunately since it's later I have no idea what that thing is. Luckily, I got into the chiro first thing this morning instead of trying to wait a few days and see if it'll get better on its own and I am already doing better than I normally would be. I'll go again tomorrow and hopefully that will be enough to get me through this weekend because we have SO MUCH TO DO!!

And of course, this is freaking me out with two babies on the way. What am I going to do if I throw out my back then? And what if it happens just by me picking up my babies? I feel like this is going to be a big problem.

So, lots to do this weekend, including...my SIL is having a C-section tomorrow!!! Her baby girls will be here and we'll finally find out the names!

I didn't write about it in my last post, but while we were on vacation she posted to facebook a picture of her nursery with the initials of the babies above the cribs. One is G and one is H. The H I don't care about, but the G I did. Not that we're 100% set on it but we've been leaning towards Gianna/Gia. So L sent a text to his brother and his brother refused to tell us.

It upset us a lot. I mean, we're not just trying to be nosy and ask for the sake of asking. We also have two girls coming and though I know we have a few months left half the fun is being able to talk things out for awhile. And they had that same fun. Now at the time we thought we were going to have another few weeks before their babies came so it doesn't really matter now but I thought it was kind of crappy of them. I don't know what the big deal is. I understand wanting to keep it a secret from most people, but not your brother who is also having twin girls soon. If my brother who is about 2 months after us ends up having a girl I am sure we will end up telling him our names so they can decide. We'll ask him not to tell anyone else but I fully understand why he might want to know our names.

Anyway, so it hurt. More L than me. I think he is realizing more and more he is not as close to his family as he once thought he was.

Before we got this news today though, we were planning to downstate Saturday anyway to go with my mom to Ikea to look for cribs!! It is step one of my "Eco-healthy" nursery. Well, really step two.

Step 1 was painting the nursery with Mythic Paint, which is a non-toxic, zero VOC (even in colors) paint. A lot of "regular" zero or low toxic paints have VOCs added as soon as you make them a color. You know how you buy a paint can and then bring it to the paint counter with the card of the color you want and they had the "formula" to it? Yea, it's that formula they add (no matter the color) that adds VOCs to your paint, even if the original paint can says zero VOCs.

Have I mentioned I'm a little bit of an eco-nut?

So I've been looking for all wood, no or very low formaldehyde cribs as my step 2. Most are insanely expensive (like $600 -$1200 a crib) so that's totally not going to work and definitely not for two (I have the feeling if we were having one I would probably find some way to justify that to myself). So I did some research and it turns out that Ikea has a super cheap, super basic crib that is all hard wood EXCEPT for the base that the mattress goes on (which we can either replace or not care about too much because the baby won't touch that) and totally unpainted so the baby won't ingest any chemicals when she goes to chew on the wood. We can finish it with some linseed or other food grade oil if we want OR I might paint it myself with some white Mythic Paint. And best of all it is $69 for the crib. AWESOME!

It's the Sniglar crib.

But I'm under no illusion that the crib may be TOO cheap. So we're going to trek to NJ on Saturday afternoon to check it out and see if it's way too flimsy. I won't buy it if it is. But if it's just very basic and simple, we might do that!

I don't have a back up yet though....oh well, we'll figure it out.

On Sunday my whole family is going to the Jets game! My brother (and his wife, my OTHER SIL) got tickets from his inlaws as part of his graduation present from Nurse Anesthetist school in August and my father-in-law has season tickets to the Jets (I know this isn't the first time I've mentioned how much I married UP) so we can get tickets almost whenever we want to the game so we decided to go with them and tailgate before the game. Then just yesterday, my FIL offered to GIVE my parents (who have never been to a football game) in their lives, the other two tickets he had. Usually he sells them, but my parents don't have the money to buy them so this was super nice of him. My mother is so excited. Like, she ran to facebook and put on her status how she was going to a Jets football game with her kids and their spouses. I have a feeling she'll be complaining by the end of the first quarter about being cold. (Oh and yeah, that hurricane is going to be coming through starting around then so she'll be cold and wet)....

And then tomorrow night I really need to check out a few places to decide where I'm going to have the baby shower. My aunt and mom are hosting it (absolutely no offer from my MIL, no surprise there) but since I want it by where I live I need to do the footwork). I'm excited that things are finally starting to move.

But boy are things busy! So I can't have a thrown out back!!!!!

Phew, I'm exhausted just writing about all of this. I probably won't have anything else to say for a week!

But there's one more thing! Gabby had another appointment today (that we didn't go to).

Everything still looks great!! The doctor said she still looks great, the babies still look great! (They have now changed positions and are breech, but Doc is not worried yet, they have plenty of room to move still). He says everything is going perfectly and I just can't believe it. Things never go perfectly for us. But all of a sudden, everything is. I'm almost afraid it's a dream and I'm going to wake up soon!

She's doing so well she doesn't need to go back for another appointment for two weeks!

Ok...I think I'm done now, haha.

20 week ultrasound

I feel bad I didn't post on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I knew it was Monday and I thought about it the whole way to our ultrasound appointment. I thought about the irony of where we are and where we have been. As usual, I wore my Mother's Day gift from my close friend last year (a charm necklace with baby footprints) and the ring that L gave me after we lost our twins (with two tourmalines in it) because whenever we go for an ultrasound I am always thinking about all of my babies.

And then we got to the ultrasound and I didn't think about it again. How I could do that? I don't know. This day was such a good day for us, and I feel bad about it. I will never ever forget the babies I've lost.
The ultrasound was fantastic. We got a nicer tech this time who took the time to explain things to us. Our babies have been 100% confirmed as girls (we were already positive about one and 90% about the other but of course I've been wondering). They are measuring beautifully, and there are no issues so far.

Baby A - love that Baby B's butt is practically in her face!

Kiss my a**, sister! LOL!

Baby B - upside down! She is really facing downwards.

Baby B - formerly known as Baby Boxer, still has her fists up by her face! Love it!

We've nicknamed the babies Aisha (A) and Beyonce (B) because we are not telling any names until they are born! :)

We met the MFM Gabby has been seeing and we've only spoken with once, on the phone. He was super super nice and I'm glad he'll be delivering our babies (if all goes to plan of course).

Gabby looks great, a nice big belly now. Her cervical length is great, her blood pressure is wonderful - she's even still going to the gym! The doctor told her to keep up whatever she's been doing because it's working for her! Even though she's carrying my babies, I still am a little jealous that she's just so awesome at being pregnant. Walking to our myriad of appointments, I had to ask HER to slow down because I couldn't keep up. That's just sad. :)

We then had fetal echoes done on both babies in the afternoon. And once again, their hearts look perfect. They did not get my heart! I am so so glad for this! The doctor said they can't guarantee 100% there's nothing wrong, but there is definitely nothing major wrong and it usually means things are just fine!

The day was just so wonderful - definitely our best ultrasound yet. And we are over the hump now and on our way down the slope - 20 and a half weeks today! I am starting to get more and more confident about us having babies in February and it's starting to make me nervous!!! Hahaha. I think I would be very confident if there were one but having twins is making me nervous about being able to take care of both of them (logistically) at the same time. We have a condo and basically live on the second floor (we have a first floor but it's just a foyer, closet and garage) and there's no way I'm going to be able to carry two infants in car seats down the stairs to get to the car. So I'm going to have to carry one first, and I have to leave the first one alone?? Then have to go back up and get the second. Oy!

But I love that I'm starting to worry about THESE kinds of things now. It is just awesome.

More Photos

It seems like Gabby has gotten huge this week! She sent me a pic yesterday with the words "Holy moly!" and she's right. What is she going to look like at 30+ weeks if she's this big at 18 weeks? And this girl was skinny when we started! I am still jealous of her abs, which are better at 18 weeks pregnant than mine have probably ever been :)

Now if I had HER bump, I would be so proud to stand in Babies R Us looking for baby stuff!

Here's the progression since the last time I posted baby bump pics.

14 weeks

17 weeks

18 weeks

Yay, my babies have undergone a growth spurt recently! They're actually measuring a couple of days behind but the MFM says they are perfect so far.

And Gabby sent me this picture from the last u/s session last week, that we didn't go to. We haven't really gotten any fabulous pictures I think, but look at this hand!

Haha, I know it's just a hand, but it is amazing to me!

Tough Week

This week is very tough for me. I am so scared about Thursday. Gabby texted me a funny picture today (she apparently had her first "craving" and it involved Hohos and Spicy Ketchup Potato Chips - ick) and I took the opportunity to ask how she's feeling. She says still the same, feeling more nauseous and still hungry and tired and her boobs are finally sensitive. These are all good things, I know, but I can't deal. This (except for the s/r part which I am trying to put out of my mind) has all gone so easily. That's not my life. Things are always so hard for me. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I can't believe the U/S isn't until Thursday. I'm almost in tears tonight about it and I still have another 2 days to go!

I read this poem on the Resolve boards today. I love it.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Second Ultrasound, and a Decision Out of Our Hands

Today was the second u/s! I was so nervous I thought I was going to be sick. I had no breakdown the night before (for once) but I just had a pit in my stomach and couldn't eat. We had to drive 3+ hours to Boston, for an 8:30am appt., so we left at 4:30am to make sure we didn't get caught in rush hour traffic.

We got there at 8am (traffic wasn't too bad) and headed to Au Bon Pain so L could get something to eat before the U/S (I still couldn't). Then I got a text from Gabby saying she was here, was going to Au Bon Pain to get something to eat because she a) STARVING!!! and b) had to pee really bad. Hahaha! Since we were already there I snuck up behind her and we squealed as only girls do :) She grabbed something to eat and we all sat down chatting it up before heading down to ultrasound.

When we got back there we had a little time in the waiting room before getting into an u/s room. We had a student doing the ultrasound (she would call the doctor afterwards) and all I could think was how much it would suck for her if the news wasn't good. She went to start the u/s and I totally chickened out and left the room. I had already told L and Gabby that I might do it, and L and I had a conversation that he was to find me in the hallway if there was even 1 hb.

I walked the hallway for what seemed like forever, fretting that they weren't able to find any hbs (but L swears it was less than a minute) before he poked his head out and said they found 1 so far (he said it in a way that I understood meant they just hadn't gotten around to looking for the other two yet. ) So I was able to breathe! I came in the room and immediately saw a second heartbeat before the U/S technician even said anything. She did her measurements and then found the third. THREE heartbeats! STILL!

But at that point my joy was mixed with pain, because we were going to see Dr. A next and I knew what the discussion was going to be about.

The three babies are all perfect - STILL.

Baby 1) HB 173 bpm, measuring 8w4d (CRL 19)
Baby 2) HB 182 bpm, measuring 8w2d (CRL 17)
Baby 3) HB 182 bpm, measuring 8w4d (CRL 19)

We headed up to see Dr. A, and she pissed me off right away. The first words out of her mouth? "I'm so sorry this is happening to you."

No congrats, no nothing else but that. She couldn't have started with a congrats for the miracles we have right now? Right away she spoke about how she really thought 3 was the way to go and based on my history she thought we had a 1% chance of all three staying (now apparently we're down from 2%) Blah blah blah. Then she laid it on thick with all the medical stuff, all the risks, but while she acknowledged how tough this is for us, she really didn't do much else in that regard.  Right away she started talking about the need to reduce, all the problems there can be, and she pissed me off for the second time.

She started talking about medical issues of triplets and how there's only a 5% chance they will come out healthy (but hey, we always hit the small percentages lotto, right?) and doomsday this and doomsday that. Then she said, "and as someone who grew up with medical issues, you know how tough it was on your parents, and I have a 9 year old daughter just diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, and the stress of seeing her going through all of that recently..." blah blah blah.

I had it and said to her, "I may not be a parent yet, but as the CHILD with medical conditions, I've had a pretty damn good life and I much would have rather had this life than not be here at all!" My work BFF told me I should have said to her, "So are you saying you'd rather your daughter not be here at all rather than have diabetes?" (Dammit I didn't think of it at the time) I mean the comparison was so ridiculous and STUPID.

Gabby was sitting there and I just said, "You know, this is a pointless discussion to have if Gabby isn't even willing to carry three. I know the contract says if there are three there will be selective reduction, so are you even willing to do so (carry 3)?" Because if she's not, lets not have the agony of this discussion, you know?

She was really uncomfortable, and I put her right on the spot, so I understand and even feel a little bit bad. But she said, "I'm nervous about all of this because I don't want our good relationship strained. I'm a medical professional (she's an NP who works in pediatrics) so I am easily able to come to it from a medical angle, which I know you guys can't. But I also know how long you guys have been trying for a baby and I can't even imagine how you feel right now. But I'm really worried about bed rest, and pre-eclampsia and being there for my family (long term). And I don't think I can take the risk for my family. "

It was really difficult for her to say that, and I can respect that, and appreciate the fact that she felt comfortable enough to say what she needed to. But I guess that's it, the decision is out of our hands. We will not be coming home with 3 babies.

There is still a chance we may lose one on its own, as my last miscarriage was at 11w, but for now, we have an ultrasound scheduled with Maternal Fetal Medicine in 2 more weeks (we'll be 10w4d for that one). Then they will do the NT scan around 12 weeks to determine if any of them have a genetic defect to make the "choice" of which one goes "easier" (G-damn it, these effing quotes are all over the place and I mean them all in the most cynical way) and if they are all fine they said it's the one easiest to get to and SR is done around 12-14 weeks. We've never made it to 12 weeks before, so it will be the most developed baby we've ever seen. And then we have to destroy it. Kill me.

I don't like that they will choose whichever easiest to get to. I don't know what other way would be better though. I feel bad because it's whichever poor one picked the "bad" spot to implant. If I can think of a better way I will ask for that instead, but as of right now I can't think.

So babies, it's your momma here, and please listen to me. I love you all so much, please know that. You guys are stronger than I ever would have thought possible and I am so grateful all of you decided to stick around. But if there's one of you who wants to sacrifice yourself for "the team" or feels too crowded in there (just one of you, mind you!), it's ok if you decide to go. I would much rather you make the decision than us having to make it for you. And please know if it was up to me, I would keep all of you in an instant faster than your respective heartbeats. 

How is it I go from praying for my babies to live to asking one of them to go? This is so wrong.

I should be so happy and excited today. No matter what, it can never be easy.

Well Then...

Endoscopy went fine...they took some biopsies to make sure but didn't see any ulcers..so...ugh, looks like gallbladder surgery is in my future.

I am still feeling out of it from the anesthesia. I don't know why but I think it always takes me a long time to feel normal again. Hopefully that means I'll actually sleep tonight, and I've been basically sleeping all afternoon.

Anyway, the stuff you really care about :)

As always, with this blog you get the truth, no sweetening it up to make it more palatable. Warts and all.

I wasn't supposed to be on this call at all. I didn't want to be, and so I was glad I had the excuse of something at work at 9am keeping me from it. Then Gabby calls me at 8:45am because I guess they took her in early. Skyping actually was not allowed, so we conferenced in L and I couldn't get out of it. I must sound like the meanest "mom" ever because I did NOT want to be on it, it was so awkward. I know she couldn't see me and my reaction but I didn't know what kind of verbal reaction she was expecting from me and was afraid she'd get annoyed.

We have three sacs and three perfect babies, all with great HBs. 115, 119 and 122 beats. Due date is 3/3/13. That date is so perfect. We got three embryos out of this cycle, put all three back on June 13th, and my lucky number is 13, I kid you not. Of course with twins or triplets I'm sure it will be well before that day. (If all stick the whole time of course).

I am overjoyed with happiness but at the same time so sad. It looks like no matter what I will only end up with twins at the most. Either one will go on its own (or heck maybe more, who knows) or we will have to do SR per our contract...either way I guess we will not be ending up with three. At first I thought Gabby might be leaning towards being ok with 3 based on things she was saying but then she kept talking about twins later...so I don't know. I'm pissed at my RE for taking this chance and her not considering how I would feel and pissed at myself for not thinking about how bad I would feel about it too. To be completely perfectly honest, I did not think it would happen in a million years.

Don't get me wrong, three would be absolutely insane but I would take all three in instant.  I'm already trying to figure out how the HELL we would fit three cribs in our one and only second bedroom. It would be hilarious until we moved. We've been trying to move but there's too many homes in our development on the market so we took our house back off, especially with trying to save for adoption too.

But I guess there's no happiness without some pain. I don't at all want to *wish* for one to go on its own (that will break my heart too) but it seems that is what I must wish for in the most humane, loving way.

L was on the nurse call after the u/s (I couldn't participate because of crap at work) and the nurse said they weren't even discussing SR yet because "these things have a way of working themselves out."

So we will see. Apparently my doomsday radar is severely off, at least at this point. I am so ecstatic that we have them. Gabby texted me a pic of the ultrasound and all three. I love them already.