Monday, August 6, 2012

Tough Week

This week is very tough for me. I am so scared about Thursday. Gabby texted me a funny picture today (she apparently had her first "craving" and it involved Hohos and Spicy Ketchup Potato Chips - ick) and I took the opportunity to ask how she's feeling. She says still the same, feeling more nauseous and still hungry and tired and her boobs are finally sensitive. These are all good things, I know, but I can't deal. This (except for the s/r part which I am trying to put out of my mind) has all gone so easily. That's not my life. Things are always so hard for me. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I can't believe the U/S isn't until Thursday. I'm almost in tears tonight about it and I still have another 2 days to go!

I read this poem on the Resolve boards today. I love it.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

8 comments:

  1. You are such a strong person and doing a remarkable job in this situation. Thinking of you and hoping for time to pass quickly.

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  2. Oh now this has the tears flowing....hope this week flies and great news to come Thursday. And yes, you will be a wonderful mother!

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  3. Hang in there!! I'm sorry days are dragging and before you know it you'll have a baby!!! You can make it!

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  4. I can imagine how long the time must feel, to me even waiting for test results seem to take forever let alone your babies!
    By the way I think that Care Package is awesome and I have also been tempted to buy The Kangaroo Pouch, figured I should probably at least wait until we have embies and a surromummy!

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  5. Love this! This is exactly how I feel; I couldn't have said it better myself. Thanks for sharing!

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  6. Sending prayers for Thursday.

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  7. I love that poem.

    Still thinking of you... anxiously awaiting Thursday.

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  8. I love that poem-have to copy for my own blog!

    Thinking about you as Thursday approaches.

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