Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Nightmare as Premonition?

Nothing else has really happened with the bleeding, so hopefully things are going ok? Who knows. Certainly not me. Gabby listened to the doppler on Monday night and found both heartbeats. (I really do have a love/hate relationship with them). She took it really easy on Tuesday and everything else seems ok though she didn't listen last night.

And then I had a horrible, horrible nightmare last night. And the problem is, in the past I've attributed my nightmares (never dreams, huh) to premonitions. A few weeks before I lost the last pregnancy I dreamt I was at a party with my family and gave birth (a very clean "birth" - no blood) to a little skeleton with a baseball hat on. At the time I was freaked out but not too worried about it, but after the missed M/C and we found out it was a boy I wondered if my body knew something I didn't.

So last night I woke up terrified around 5am. I dreamt that Gabby had been bleeding again - but this wasn't miscarriage bleeding, in my nightmare it was full on hemorraghing (OMG I cannot spell that word right and I've retyped it 20 times) even though she was in no danger herself - and so she went to an u/s and then called me to tell me what was happening, and already one heartbeat was already gone, and though there was still one other heartbeat the doctor was basically like, yeah, this one is going to go too. And I kept repeating over and over, "I can't believe we're going to lose both of them. We're not going to make it to 12 weeks."

I don't even feel like the dream lasted very long and I woke up right away but I was devastated. Is this what's going to happen to us? So in the morning I emailed Gabby right away to tell her partially about the nightmare (um, I didn't mention the hemorraghing) and literally within a minute she emailed me to tell me there was no bleeding, that nothing had happened overnight. I relaxed. An hour later she emailed me again to say it was pouring for work so she quickly threw on the doppler and she found one heartbeat. She made sure to tell me she didn't even look for the other heartbeat and she had to go to work, but she would look tonight. And honestly, if there's no new bleeding a la my nightmare and she found one, I'm really not that worried about it. And we do have a u/s tomorrow.

In general though, I do think Monday threw her for as big a loop as me as she has done the doppler just about every day now and I haven't asked.

Sunday is 12 weeks. Can we please make it to Sunday?

At some point we should start telling people, which should be the fun part. Should. Unless I tell everyone and once again need to untell everyone. I want to wait until 20 weeks, but L says that's too long. It's kind of cool that I could go practically a whole pregnancy and not tell anyone because it's not my stomach that is growing. Both our parents know (and MY super close friends, but not L's) but that's it. Not even our siblings. And L is worried that if we wait much longer they will get pissed at us. Heaven knows I was pissed at SIL for not telling us there were twins until 18 weeks. I admit I'm spiteful like that, so I really don't want to tell them we're even expecting, even though they told us they were pregnant at 8 weeks. Nice, Ducky. But her baby shower is coming up in September and I just want to keep it quiet till after the baby shower. We're actually seeing them for the first time in...well for L it will have been since May, and for me it will have been since last Thanksgiving. Yea. I told you there were family problems with my inlaws. I wish I could get out of this weekend too but I've pushed it as far as I can, and me being sick again ain't gonna fly. I wish I had lost weight in that timeframe (I certainly had enough time) but unfortunately, I have not. Not sure how I'm going to get through this weekend seeing both MIL and SIL and SIL's 28 week pregnant with twins belly but my "secret" helps.

But even so, I don't know about my family. I'm debating telling them next week if tomorrow's u/s goes ok (after we officially hit 12 weeks) but I sort of want to wait till the following week's u/s (supposedly we're supposed to get one every week till 22 weeks or something now because of the s/r, and I REALLY hope that's true) just to make sure. But that's getting rather late for telling siblings I think... and then I will tell close friends (not super close) at 14 weeks, officially into the second trimester.

Let's hope I get to follow these plans.


  1. For whatever this is worth, I have a good feeling about this for you guys. I think this is going to work and you're going to have two beautiful babies at the end. Many thoughts of peace and serenity (oh, haha - well as close as you can possibly manage) being sent your way!!

  2. Hoping for good news tomorrow. Nightmares like that are so scary (*hugs*) Stay strong.

    And as for telling people, you tell them when you feel comfortable. Try not to worry about waiting too long or anything like that. You've been through a lot, and hopefully given the situation people will understand the caution. If not... well, screw them.

    Positive thoughts.

  3. I'm kind of with you on the 20 weeks thing. I really think I would probably wait until then if we had a surrogate that was pregnant. And yes, part of it would be out of spite. But also it would be practical. I hope you're able to control the spread of information. :) I never seem to have a good handle on it.

  4. Sending you many, many positive vibes across the pond for the u/s today. Am sorry you had that nightmare, that's really scary. I think if I ever get to where you are with a preggo surrogate that I will not want to tell anyone until it's born! Stupid I know but still. I get that.

  5. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way!

  6. Thinking lots of good thoughts for you today - hope all is going well.

  7. Ooh yay! I can't wait for you to start telling people! Just do it when YOU feel comfortable and not worry about other people. If anyone gets upset and thinks you waited too long to tell them, they will get over it. I mean, you aren't still holding it against your SIL, right??