Got an email from Gabby this morning and I have decided having to juggle this "new" kind of relationship is just exhausting. I feel like I'm responsible for so many more people's feelings due to surrogacy and it's hard since my own feelings are very emotional right now.
I feel bad, because she was excited over something she did - buy a used fetal doppler off of Craigslist. To be 100% honest, she had mentioned it way back, like literally when we found out she was pregnant or even before, and at the time I was like, "Oh God, that would scare me too much because what if you couldn't find it?" and then I had a weak moment a few weeks back (after the first u/s but before the second) where I wrote her saying, "Man, I wish we had a doppler because I'm so scared there are zero hearbeats now!" But overall, I don't think it's a good idea.
So I got this email.
Okay so I’m crazy and got one of those fetal dopplers for $15 off craigslist. Most of what I read was that you can’t hear the heartbeat until about 12 weeks. I’ve tried it a few times and have only heard my own bloodflow which is obvious b/c it’s like 60 beats/minute. Anyway, last night I went up to bed early and decided to try it again. I definitely heard one heartbeat, it was around 130 and it was totally different from the swoosh of my own blood flow that I had heard up until then!! I listened for like 15 seconds and then when I moved I lost it and couldn’t find it again. The Doppler I have is pretty cheap and doesn’t have a separate “wand” so it’s not super easy to maneuver, but even still I was able to get a heartbeat for about 15 seconds! : Just wanted you to know that I’m still very pregnant! :) Happy hump day!!
Now, I KNOW she was all excited and trying to get me all excited, but ugh, it was the opposite.
First off, there should be 3 heartbeats right now, not 1. But I can tell myself she didn't really look that hard and just for the first one. Fine. (And anyway, as you know, I would be ok if there were just two :( )
Second of all, yesterday was 9w2d. The babies' HBs were between 173-182 last week. There is no way any of them should be 130. That would not be a good sign.
Since I've been at this for so long, I'm a walking encyclopedia when it comes to this stuff. I doubt Gabby knows it, but babies HB's start off very slow (can be below 100 before 6 weeks, but should be above 100 after 6 weeks). Then it increases about 3.3 beats PER DAY until it peaks at around 9 weeks. That was what was so crazy about the difference between 6w2d and 8w2d with the babies' heartbeats - At 6 weeks - they ranged from 115-122! After 9 weeks it can fall slightly, 150-170bpm, but 130 would be VERY low. After 12 weeks It can range from 120-150 (160 would be considered high, but still ok) so it wouldn't be as worrisome.
So what was supposed to be a cheery email made me anxious instead. I wish she would have just said she found a HB without any numbers. Numbers obviously put me into overdrive! And there's no u/s again until NEXT Thursday.
But how could I tell her, "Thanks but no thanks. Can you just keep that info to yourself from now on?" Ugh, so I have to manage that and stroke her ego a bit (I do think it's strange that she wanted a doppler so much, considering she's fine with s/r of one of those babies) , while managing my own freaking out.
No wonder why I'm exhausted.