2%

Oh, so nice to always "win the lotto" for these small percentages. First my heart condition. Then the recurrent miscarriages...now this.

On Wednesday I couldn't stop thinking about SR. I emailed Gabby early in the day asking if any of them were behind or ahead. The response I got back put me into overanalyzation mode. I was trying to glean an glimpse of whether she wanted SR or not. She wrote me,

 Susan also mentioned that sometimes if one embryo is measuring smaller or the heart beat is slower then they think maybe that one won't survive.  She said that all were measuring perfect and had perfect heart rates so she didn't think that would happen.

 What did that mean??? I thought the bolded part (which I bolded, not her) was a pretty harsh thing to say since I think it was obvious I was looking for an easy way out, so then I was thinking, maybe she's being harsh because she DOESN'T want to do SR and she thinks I do. Ugh...what a mess. And she mentioned talking to Dr. A at the next u/s but I didn't want to because I think Dr. A is going to push for SR. I wanted her and I to talk ahead of time so she would at least know I was ok with having all three.

It's so awkward though. If we are both on the same wavelength, that's great. But if she wants SR and I tell her I don't, then we've just put up a barrier between us. Especially since the contract said no more than two.

But I couldn't just let things go. I wanted to get through to her I was ok with 3 without guilt tripping her. Because we need a good relationship. So I tried to write it out to her, but it wasn't working. Every email I started just came out so guilt trippy even without meaning it (and looong). I was trying to tell her my feelings, but they were guilt trippy. I finally scratched the whole thing and wrote a short email instead:

We know the situation right now is very complicated and we are having a lot of worries and concerns about the options facing us if there really are three going forward. I also know it is extremely early and anything can happen. I am wondering if you are concerned too and if you'd like to discuss it.  I don't want to put you on the spot or make you feel uncomfortable, so if you to prefer just to discuss by email I'm ok with that, or we can talk or Skype if you prefer.

Of course, that didn't really express I was ok with 3, did it? Ugh. I just didn't know how to say it. 

A short time later came her response (names changed to protect the innocent):

I'm glad you asked the question and I'm glad you are being so open.  I have thought a lot about it too and have thought how difficult it will be if/when the discussion about selective reduction takes place.  I think right now I don't have enough facts about risks/benefits of procedure, risks of triplets (both to me and to the babies more importantly), etc... and I think that is going to be an important discussion to have with Dr. A, or the specialist.  Susan did mention that Dr. A would refer us to a high risk OB at [our hospital] if it came down to it.  I also have my fingers crossed that the babies will figure it out themselves that there won't be enough room to be healthy and maybe things will be different at the next ultrasound.

There's still so much uncertainty but it's definitely a conversation we should have, just not sure we should have it before we know there's an issue (but happy to if you want to plan ahead).

Also, I emailed [our surrogate agency liaison] about the same thing and she offered me a lot of support, she was really quite sweet.  I actually thought more about you when she responded because not only did she offer me her support and her knowledge but she has a close friend who underwent years of infertility (not a [our hospital] patient she assured me) and finally got pregnant with triplets(basically they did the same thing with her, they were so sure she wouldn't get pregnant with all of them).  They had to make the decision to reduce to twins and she is now 33 weeks pregnant with twins.  She said she would be a great resource to talk to me (or you!) if I wanted.

Bottom line, it is a blessing and a curse and we all need to be comfortable about what's going on, and at the end of the day, although triplets can be healthy, the average gestation is only 32 weeks and there is so much risk for medical complications and prolonged NICU stays.  It's going to be a tough decision whatever we do and we'll be sure to do it together!  Right now I'll nurture the babies that are in there and hope for an easy outcome. I can't imagine all the emotion you guys are going through!  And it's far more than me, trust me, this is something you've worked so hard for, for so long!  So my thoughts are with you guys as you continue to figure things out.  Let's see where we're at in 2 weeks after the ultrasound and then weigh our options.  I did some google-research last night and realized there is just so much information and it's hard to know what's right and what's wrong.  Lots of love to you guys!

So it was a really nice email back but I still don't know what way she feels. I do agree with her, I just need to wait and see, but as you see, patience is not my strong suit. I know we may never need to make a decision, but I'm such a planner, I always want to have a plan before I even know if there's anything to worry about!

I emailed her again yesterday just quickly to tell her I hoped she was feeling well, and she wrote back this:

Also wanted to let you know that I asked for Dr. A to call me, I just wanted to talk to her and see what she thought.  She was really sweet.  She apologized for putting us all in this position but given all the information that she was working with and her consulting with other fertility doctors they all felt like it was so unlikely I would get pregnant with 3.  But, my main questions was whether she thought there was any chance 1 might reduce or given how good they looked would they all stick around.  She still thinks given your history that we should wait and see what happens, she thought that sometimes they embryos realize there's just not enough space and 1 will reduce.  She was really nice and excited to talk to us in a few weeks.  I don't know why I wanted to talk to her, I just felt like she's the expert and I'm never sure what to think with Susan...


I hate being uncertain about things. The last few years have not done anything to help it. I know I just need to wait to 8 weeks and see what's going on then. But it's hard. Sometimes I'm terrified of going in at 8 weeks and having zero heartbeats! Then what an idiot I will feel like (amongst other things, of course).

In other news, my work BFF scared the crap out of me about day care for multiples. Even though it's soooo early, she said I should call the daycare I want, since if there really are three, it will be tough finding space for all 3 at the same place. It feels so ridiculous, but I know she's right. Her daycare was going out more than 15 months when she was looking! So I called them up and asked about it and they said yes I should do it early. I asked if they do multiples, and she was like, "Oh yes! Oh are you having twins?" No, I said sheepishly. "Triplets." "Oh my!" came the surprised voice. It was kind of funny, and nice. Hey, at least I got to tell one person before this possibly changes. I did tell her, "But it's really early, so it might not be triplets in the end," and she said she understood. So we're getting info sent to us.

It's going to be so expensive...almost makes it not worth it to work. I think it will be about $2500 per month for 3. But I need to work in order to have a job when any kids of ours are in school. So basically over the next few years, I'm not actually working to earn any money, just to keep my place. Because finding a job as a lawyer after you've been out of the workforce is really difficult. And I have a wonderful, stable job, that will allow me to go to 70% time and have 7 months maternity leave (unpaid of course) so I need to keep it.

So, talk about getting WAY ahead of myself. But see what a planner I am?