Saturday, July 14, 2012

2%

Oh, so nice to always "win the lotto" for these small percentages. First my heart condition. Then the recurrent miscarriages...now this.

On Wednesday I couldn't stop thinking about SR. I emailed Gabby early in the day asking if any of them were behind or ahead. The response I got back put me into overanalyzation mode. I was trying to glean an glimpse of whether she wanted SR or not. She wrote me,

 Susan also mentioned that sometimes if one embryo is measuring smaller or the heart beat is slower then they think maybe that one won't survive.  She said that all were measuring perfect and had perfect heart rates so she didn't think that would happen.

 What did that mean??? I thought the bolded part (which I bolded, not her) was a pretty harsh thing to say since I think it was obvious I was looking for an easy way out, so then I was thinking, maybe she's being harsh because she DOESN'T want to do SR and she thinks I do. Ugh...what a mess. And she mentioned talking to Dr. A at the next u/s but I didn't want to because I think Dr. A is going to push for SR. I wanted her and I to talk ahead of time so she would at least know I was ok with having all three.

It's so awkward though. If we are both on the same wavelength, that's great. But if she wants SR and I tell her I don't, then we've just put up a barrier between us. Especially since the contract said no more than two.

But I couldn't just let things go. I wanted to get through to her I was ok with 3 without guilt tripping her. Because we need a good relationship. So I tried to write it out to her, but it wasn't working. Every email I started just came out so guilt trippy even without meaning it (and looong). I was trying to tell her my feelings, but they were guilt trippy. I finally scratched the whole thing and wrote a short email instead:

We know the situation right now is very complicated and we are having a lot of worries and concerns about the options facing us if there really are three going forward. I also know it is extremely early and anything can happen. I am wondering if you are concerned too and if you'd like to discuss it.  I don't want to put you on the spot or make you feel uncomfortable, so if you to prefer just to discuss by email I'm ok with that, or we can talk or Skype if you prefer.

Of course, that didn't really express I was ok with 3, did it? Ugh. I just didn't know how to say it. 

A short time later came her response (names changed to protect the innocent):

I'm glad you asked the question and I'm glad you are being so open.  I have thought a lot about it too and have thought how difficult it will be if/when the discussion about selective reduction takes place.  I think right now I don't have enough facts about risks/benefits of procedure, risks of triplets (both to me and to the babies more importantly), etc... and I think that is going to be an important discussion to have with Dr. A, or the specialist.  Susan did mention that Dr. A would refer us to a high risk OB at [our hospital] if it came down to it.  I also have my fingers crossed that the babies will figure it out themselves that there won't be enough room to be healthy and maybe things will be different at the next ultrasound.
There's still so much uncertainty but it's definitely a conversation we should have, just not sure we should have it before we know there's an issue (but happy to if you want to plan ahead).

Also, I emailed [our surrogate agency liaison] about the same thing and she offered me a lot of support, she was really quite sweet.  I actually thought more about you when she responded because not only did she offer me her support and her knowledge but she has a close friend who underwent years of infertility (not a [our hospital] patient she assured me) and finally got pregnant with triplets(basically they did the same thing with her, they were so sure she wouldn't get pregnant with all of them).  They had to make the decision to reduce to twins and she is now 33 weeks pregnant with twins.  She said she would be a great resource to talk to me (or you!) if I wanted.

Bottom line, it is a blessing and a curse and we all need to be comfortable about what's going on, and at the end of the day, although triplets can be healthy, the average gestation is only 32 weeks and there is so much risk for medical complications and prolonged NICU stays.  It's going to be a tough decision whatever we do and we'll be sure to do it together!  Right now I'll nurture the babies that are in there and hope for an easy outcome. I can't imagine all the emotion you guys are going through!  And it's far more than me, trust me, this is something you've worked so hard for, for so long!  So my thoughts are with you guys as you continue to figure things out.  Let's see where we're at in 2 weeks after the ultrasound and then weigh our options.  I did some google-research last night and realized there is just so much information and it's hard to know what's right and what's wrong.  Lots of love to you guys!

So it was a really nice email back but I still don't know what way she feels. I do agree with her, I just need to wait and see, but as you see, patience is not my strong suit. I know we may never need to make a decision, but I'm such a planner, I always want to have a plan before I even know if there's anything to worry about!

I emailed her again yesterday just quickly to tell her I hoped she was feeling well, and she wrote back this:

Also wanted to let you know that I asked for Dr. A to call me, I just wanted to talk to her and see what she thought.  She was really sweet.  She apologized for putting us all in this position but given all the information that she was working with and her consulting with other fertility doctors they all felt like it was so unlikely I would get pregnant with 3.  But, my main questions was whether she thought there was any chance 1 might reduce or given how good they looked would they all stick around.  She still thinks given your history that we should wait and see what happens, she thought that sometimes they embryos realize there's just not enough space and 1 will reduce.  She was really nice and excited to talk to us in a few weeks.  I don't know why I wanted to talk to her, I just felt like she's the expert and I'm never sure what to think with Susan...


I hate being uncertain about things. The last few years have not done anything to help it. I know I just need to wait to 8 weeks and see what's going on then. But it's hard. Sometimes I'm terrified of going in at 8 weeks and having zero heartbeats! Then what an idiot I will feel like (amongst other things, of course).

In other news, my work BFF scared the crap out of me about day care for multiples. Even though it's soooo early, she said I should call the daycare I want, since if there really are three, it will be tough finding space for all 3 at the same place. It feels so ridiculous, but I know she's right. Her daycare was going out more than 15 months when she was looking! So I called them up and asked about it and they said yes I should do it early. I asked if they do multiples, and she was like, "Oh yes! Oh are you having twins?" No, I said sheepishly. "Triplets." "Oh my!" came the surprised voice. It was kind of funny, and nice. Hey, at least I got to tell one person before this possibly changes. I did tell her, "But it's really early, so it might not be triplets in the end," and she said she understood. So we're getting info sent to us.

It's going to be so expensive...almost makes it not worth it to work. I think it will be about $2500 per month for 3. But I need to work in order to have a job when any kids of ours are in school. So basically over the next few years, I'm not actually working to earn any money, just to keep my place. Because finding a job as a lawyer after you've been out of the workforce is really difficult. And I have a wonderful, stable job, that will allow me to go to 70% time and have 7 months maternity leave (unpaid of course) so I need to keep it.

So, talk about getting WAY ahead of myself. But see what a planner I am?

14 comments:

  1. Lots to think about! It's must be so, so hard to just wait! Also, I think that $1250 for 3 in daycare isn't too bad! Around here it's over $1,100 for one, so not too bad at 2500for 3. Thanks for updating us. I hope things work themselves out in a really positive way for you guys. And if you DO end up with 3, that's a god way to show up your sip. :)

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    1. I just got the info packet and it's $940 (x3) - $2820. A little more than I calculated (it's gone up a lot since I was looking last year!) but still so much less than you!

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  2. Oh gosh...I hope you can find at least a little peace as you wait for the next ultrasound. I am a planner too, which makes rpl not a good fit for us, right? I went to dinner with a friend last week and mentioned your story. She was pregnant with five at one point (her doc let her have IUI with multiple follicles ready) with four hbeats looking perfect. Her body recognized this and she ended with twins. She prayed every night. I will pray that whatever decision is made you will be happy and everyone healthy in the end.

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  3. Oops.. That's supposed to say SiL with THREE babies instead of two. :)

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    1. Don't worry, I knew what you meant.

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  4. I am a planner as well (maybe it just comes with the infertility territory?). It sounds a bit based on those bits of communication that she isn't sure either and she's hoping for an easy out. I think it's a bit easier to say one thing on paper then to actually go through with it (regarding the SR). I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you guys that everything works out in the end, and whether it's two or it's three - that they stay in there as long as possible so they can be healthy.

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    1. Yes, I think those of us with infertility are more planners! I do agree it's easier to say it on paper than do it, especially because she didn't know what SR entailed when we signed. My two closest friends think she'll change her mind too. Thanks!

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  5. So forgive me maybe I'm just ignorant in how surrogacy works or what type of contract you guys have agreed upon but it seems to me that she is in the drivers seat. To me that seems a little backwards. Sure she is the carrier but those are still YOUR babies. In my opinion, I think YOU should be the one to make those decisions and as of now it seems that you don't want SR at all (maybe I'm wrong).

    Also, I just wanted to tell you sure having triplets likely means a NICU stay but the average gestation for triplets is 30-32 weeks which is very good actually. My dd was born at 26 weeks and even then they gave her an 80% chance of survival. Now she is a healthy 3 year old. Even if you do SR and there are twins you still run the risk of preterm labor.

    One of my preemie friends that I met on a preemie support group soon after I had my dd had triplets from her infertility treatments. Her dr pushed and pushed SR down her throat. She declined and held strong. She had them at 30 weeks but they are healthy 3 almost 4 years old now.

    Either way it sounds like you have definitely thought about all options. I just wish that you didn't feel so helpless which I'm sure is no easy task not being the one carrying your babies. I know your situation is no easy task and hope that everything works itself out.

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    1. Unfortunately, a contract is really for the benefit of both parties. We agreed in the contract to not put more than 2 back unless a doctor said it was medically necessary, which I guess Dr. A said it was. At that time, Gabby could have said no way, but she was really nice and agreed to it (I was suprised). But the contract that we both signed said that no more than 2 babies would be carried. Doesn't mean we both can't agree to change it, but I'm not going to force her to carry a baby against her will. I have to be able to trust her (and her me) and I wouldn't want her to be so angry against me that she wouldn't take care of the other babies as well, KWIM? (not that I think she would do that, but at the end of the day, we don't know each other THAT well).

      Thanks for telling me about your situation and your friends! I am afraid that Dr. A will push and push as well. Let's just hope none of this has to come to pass.

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  6. What a difficult position for you and Gabby to be in! I hope that it works out naturally, even though that sucks too.

    This is the first time I've been able to be on my computer to see your new blog set up. It's cute!

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  7. Sorry for all the uncertainty. I'm keeping you in my thoughts. I definitely understand that need to plan right now.

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  8. I wish I had something helpful to say. Of course this complication comes up. Why would it be easy and normal after so much has gone wrong in the past, right? But hopefully this is it. This one thing, huge as it is, will be the only difficult part of an otherwise great pregnancy. If I am ever pregnant with multiples, we will have to face an SR question as well, which is why I've shied away from treatment before now. I don't know how we would handle the decision. I hope for you it doesn't come to that. Y'all are in my thoughts.

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