Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Difficult Day

Last night was a bad night, followed by a difficult morning.

I sent Gabby an email yesterday. I needed to get my feelings out, but I know it must have burdened her as well. I put all the blame on Dr. A, and not her, but I'm sure I stressed her out. But I just needed to get it out and she was the only one who knows the situation.

I told her that we want to continue to have a good relationship with her and her family through this process and maybe even afrterwards, but that I felt attacked (bombarded is really the better word) by Dr. A yesterday. I told her how upset I was about the doctor not even saying Congratulations before running her mouth off.

I told her I felt like the 4 of us, her, her husband, me and L could have discussed this together without Dr. A's interjections. We probably would have even come to the same conclusion (that we would do whatever she felt comfortable with) but that I was just so upset because I felt like my feelings weren't respected by Dr. A at all. If things hadn't been one-sided or if the fact that these are my children had been more acknowledged by her it would have been better. I told her that's why I had emailed her (Gabby) several weeks ago to discuss even though it was so early because I was afraid of this.

To be honest, I knew Dr. A would push things, but I didn't think for one second I would have felt as bombarded as I did.

I told her that L and I agreed to the contract and I would never back out on it or ask her to. But that I loved my babies so much and just feel like a horrible "mother." That I felt I was led astray in following Dr. A's advice that that she shouldn't have been so agressive considering there's no definitive answer as to what is wrong with me in the baby department.

Even yesterday, Dr. A was trying to pin her reasoning on my eggs. My eggs which she never commented on when she initially told us to pursue a gestational carrier. Considering all 3 have made it thus far I asked her if there was ever going to come a point in this pregnancy where she could say, "Hmm, maybe not your eggs. Maybe it was your uterus after all. or some other unknown." But she said never. Really? Never? I mean, I'm not asking for a 100% it's not your eggs exclamation, but a "probably not your eggs" would have sufficed. It's like she can't bear to say she may have been wrong.

I told Gabby that that I never wanted to put three in and just discard one if all three implanted and I feel like that's what Dr. A may have been thinking we could just do. That I almost wish Dr. A was the one who had to do the actual SR because none of this affects her in the slightest.

So, I was pretty harsh on Dr. A. And I probably shouldn't be telling these things to my carrier who is holding my babies right now. But I'm upset and I want her to know it. I mean, I think it was obvious in person yesterday but I just wanted it said. I know it won't change anything and I don't want to affect our relationship but maybe it will because she'll be mad I burdened her with it. It's such a fine line of expressing yourself yet wanting to stay on good terms because she has my babies with her.

I hope I didn't ruin it.

20 comments:

  1. I think that the email was a wonderful idea and I am sure she has to understand how many emotions you are experiencing now. You are absolutely right though, your doctor is the ONLY one involved in this situation that doesnt have any stake into what is going on. She doesnt have anything to lose or trying to maintain a good relationship with a your carrier. Thinking about you.

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  2. My heart is breaking for you. Sending lots of hugs and strength your way!!

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  3. You are obviously a person who needs to express her feelings (aren't most of us who have a blog) and I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to let Gabby know how you felt about the whole thing. This Dr. A put you all in such a tough situation!

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  4. You have a lot at stake here and so I think you have every to express how you are feeling and I hope Gabby would understand that.

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  5. I don't know your history at all, but as an armchair RE, I've always thought the hardest part was in figuring out where the issue was- embryos or the uterus,and in many cases it will remain a mystery forever. So I was horrified that any RE would put back 3 in a surrogate, who probably has great proven fertility with zero implantation problems, while NOT being prepared for the possibility of triplets.

    Your RE definitely deserves more than a rap on the knuckles, but beyond that, I'm so sorry you and Gabby have to deal with this frightening and distressing reality.

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  6. I think you were right to share your feelings with her. You two are so intimately involved in this whole process and in the lives of those 3 babes, so it makes perfect sense that you would be so open and honest with her about how you're feeling. And you weren't blaming her at ALL, so there's no need to worry. This is an issue with your doctor and how she has handled things and you have every right to be angry about it. It's not a position either of you (you or Gabby) should have to be in, and yet here you are, having to make a horribly unfair decision. I'm so sorry, and again, I'm sending up lots of prayers for this to work out as smoothly as possible. Thinking of you lots.

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  7. Again - cannot believe the Doctor was so... casual.

    And I am the furthest thing from a Doctor ever, but considering all 3 of them took.. It seems like your eggs are pretty good? Certainly good enough to at least say there's the slightest (if not greater) chance that they're not the problem? Sounds like she has a bit of an ego.

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  8. I would have wrote a letter explaining my feelings too. She has a right to know, and after what happened she may have been wondering. I imagine it's better to clear the air than to leave things hanging. I wish I could give you a real hug right now, because this is such a difficult situation. My heart goes out to you, and I am so sad and angry for you.

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  9. My heart is broken for you and this just makes me sick that your doctor put you in this situation. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I know you don't want to go back on the contract, but I can't help but think you have the right to because they are your children, and who wouldn't do anything for their babies? Is there anything you can legally do so that she cannot terminate one of the babies? I know you don't want to ruin your relationship...I'm just wondering. I feel so awful for you. I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

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    1. As an attorney, I know there are no legal means of changing the contract without mutual consent to an amendment. Originally I had no problem with the clause because in all my IVF and FET cycles, we'd never put three back and it never occurred to me we would (this contract was negotiated well before we ever cycled). I'd always gotten a bunch of eggs from all of my cycles before and put back 2, and I thought this cycle would be no different. What effing "luck" that I would end up with only 3 eggs fertilized this time and all three would make it to day 3 and it be advised to put all of them back, with a 2% (1% Dr. A is now saying) chance of this.

      It's not that I want to keep a good relationship for the sake of a good relationship. If she weren't holding the most precious packages right now I wouldn't be as concerned, but since she is, I need to make sure she takes good care of the rest of them, because they will still need her care when this is all over. I know there is no way you can force a woman to either hold onto a pregnancy or force a termination. And I think that's such a basic right, I don't think I would ever be in favor of that anyway. :(

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    2. I totally understand. I hope I didn't upset you. This just isn't fair for either one of you and I wish I could do something to help. That doctor can go to hell!! Oops, did I say that? I will keep you all in my prayers.

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  10. I don't think your email was harsh or out of line. I think she'll understand and be ok. It's a big thing she's doing and I'm sure she knew that going in. Is it bad I really wanna know what she wrote back?!

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    1. No, not bad at all! She has not written me back yet and I'm sitting here constantly checking my email for it too. I'm a bit worried but everyone here (and my husband) has assured me that it wasn't a mean email (about her, maybe a bit mean towards the doctor). I think she is probably feeling guilty and terrible too, plus she has all the hormones from a triplet pregnancy going through her right now, not helping her emotions, I'm sure. I feel bad she's in this situation too, because she didn't sign up for this and made it clear before we ever cycled she was only comfortable with twins.

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  11. Here via ICLW and I am sorry about your day. I don't know your back story yet, I will have to read up a bit. But it sounds like you are really thinking this through and doing what you need to, to take care of your self.

    Sending, peace, love, light, thoughts and prayers your way.

    Thank you for visiting/your comment on my blog.

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  12. Here from ICLW, thank you so much for stopping by and saying hi.

    I am so sorry that your Doc was so insensitive. To be so blunt and gung-ho about it without even entering into how hard such a decision would be. I will have to catch up on your story.

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  13. I hope you hear from Gabby soon. I'm sure she's struggling with this as well. Hugs, mama. What a heart-wrenching position to be in.

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  14. Sending lots of hugs your way!

    An ICLW Visit from #63
    liddy @ the unfair struggle (mfi, speedskating, 1st 2ww)

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  15. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm visiting from ICLW, and it broke my heart to read your last couple of posts. I don't think your email was out of line. It sounds like Dr. A is full of it.

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  16. Just checking in and sending more hugs your way.

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  17. I am here from ICLW and have just read the last several posts to figure out what was happening. I just have to say that my heart aches that you are in this position. What a gut wrenching experience for you! I think that writing the email was a good idea. It gives you a chance to express yourself, while giving Gabby the chance to digest what you've said. I don't think you said anything out of line or something that Gabby would likely be able to guess from your reaction at yesterday's appointment, either.

    I hope that the air clears between you and Gabby quickly and that you are all able to talk about your difficult situation openly and honestly. Together you should decide how to move forward.

    Sending hugs your way.

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