Got a call from my brother tonight. GUESS WHAT???
He's pregnant. Well, not him, obviously. They're pregnant.
I screamed with excitement appropriately. They are 12 weeks. He is so excited the cousins will be only about 6 weeks apart. Well, 9 weeks, since they're twins.
I hang up the phone and burst into tears. Why am I this way????????? Why can't I just be happy for them?
It's because it's all so easy for them, for seemingly everyone else. (Well, of course I know not "everyone" - this IF community proves that) but you know what I mean. Everyone in real life. He just finished with grad school, and boom pregnant! How awesome to *pick* the timing so well. How lovely that it falls into place just when *you* want it. How jealous I am that you don't know the heartbreak I've had to deal with.
Not that I want them to have heartbreak, so I don't know what my problem is. I'm just jealous that no one else has to deal with the things I do. And that she gets to experience pregnancy, with no issues, all the way through it. Something I will never get to do.
But I get babies, right? At least I get babies.
Or so I hope. I really hope this isn't like last year, where I was pregnant, then everyone else got pregnant, then I lost the babies and everyone else continued on just fine and now they all have babies and I don't.
And that's my big fear. If I knew 100% I'd be coming home with babies, this wouldn't bother me at all. It's the fear that something will again happen and I'll have nothing, after all that we've been through, that makes me this bitter infertile.
B-I-T-T-E-R. And I love my brother, I swear. Sometimes I hate myself.
I think there will always be that "chip on our shoulder. Totally normal...how could we not have one? Sometimes I just wish we had a crystal ball.
ReplyDeleteDo not hate yourself! I had a SIL pregnant the same time as me, and it did make me bitter because she complained about her pregnancy constantly and everything was accidental and so easy for her. And then me... well, you know that part of the story! I never truly felt like my son was going to make it until I heard his screaming as he was born... I was still terrified that this was going to end the same way it always did. It was so so hard.
ReplyDeleteEven now, I'm dreading an announcement from my brother... I know it's going to come sooner or later, and as much as I'll love that kid I know it's still going to hurt. Infertility and losses change you. I have so much sadness/bitterness over why it couldn't have been easier for me, why it can't ever be easier... I work at letting it go, and it's not as painful now, but damn if it doesn't still hurt anyway.
It's okay. Really, it is.
Oh my gosh, please don't beat yourself up. You are so perfectly normal in feeling the way you do! It sucks that it comes so easily to "everyone" else and it's unfair and you have the right to experience some despair over that. Every time I hear of another pregnancy, it hurts, and most especially when it is someone I'm close to. This is just part of the package. I'm not necessarily proud of it, but I've learned to accept it and realize that it's okay. It doesn't make me an awful person. It makes me human. YOU are human. You get to be jealous and sad and fearful sometimes. You have every right, especially after going through what you have. Be gentle with yourself and hopefully, once those babies are in your arms, it will all get a whole lot easier.
ReplyDeleteDo not hate yourself! Hate infertility! I feel the same way silk about pregnancy announcements. We will always have that sting.
ReplyDeleteDon't hate yourself. It's natural to feel this when you have been through what you have. Whilst I wouldn't 'wish' IF on anyone I do often find myself wishing that someone, anyone else close to me IRL would not be able to get pregnant ever too so that I could have someone who genuinely understands me, not just really tries to. I am bored of 'really trying to'.
ReplyDeleteI really struggle with this. It is so hard for me to be genuinely happy for someone (especially when they have not struggled with IF) when I find out the pregnant. Sending you a big virtual hug right now!!
ReplyDeleteI'm still very early in yet another pregnancy. I'm terrified of miscarriage (again). I will be high risk. Nothing will be easy. It's hard for me to see others -- friends, who I genuinely like -- get pregnant and have easy breezy pregnancies. They get pregnant and STAY pregnant when they plan to, give or take maybe three months. The biggest thing they seem to think about is whether they *might* have to have a c-section. Meanwhile I would be facing a 90% certainty of a c-section and that's the least of my worries. I don't know if it will ever go away. There will always be those two feelings: happiness for the people you love, but anger and sadness at your own situation and what could have been. I try not to dwell too much on it, but the year anniversary of my first due date passed in August. I would have had a one year old. Or a one month old. Or been 32 weeks pregnant. The list just keeps growing. You can't beat yourself up for it, because it's such a part of you. Unlike you though, I'm 100% sure you're bringing home babies. It's your time. :)
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness! ALL TOTALLY NORMAL! I want to write a blog post about being happy for others, happy for ourselves, but also just wanting to be NORMAL! And even though you'll love your twins gobs and gazillions, it's still annoying and frustrating to not feel "normal". I totally get you! But, I promise, once they come along, you'll feel much more "normal" as a parent once the pregnancy part is over and you get to compare parenting notes with your brother. :)
ReplyDeleteJealousy is a totally natural human emotion. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI think it is normal until you bring home a baby. It's so hard! Everybody has there own struggle. You think I can't carry my own baby and I think she's getting babies and I'm not, that tells you who the real horrible person is. Man now I'm crying. See we all hate ourselves. I love you so much, and I've never met you! LOL I'm so happy for you and don't feel bad for feeling sad that this isn't easy. It's not! Hang in there!!
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT a horrible person, and your feelings are so normal, my friend. Even now that I am pregnant and further than I've made it in the past, I still feel SO much bitterness and jealousy towards all of my friends who breeze through pregnancy with no issues... and many of them are on baby #2 right now, when we started trying around the same time way back when. I can't be happy for them, even though I pretend. It's not real. I'm jealous is what I am. I want to be innocent and naive too, and I want the confidence they get that comes with always having things work out perfectly. I thought this would get better the further along I got, but in truth it really hasn't. I feel like a horrible person too that I can't shake my bitterness/hatred towards people who've done nothing wrong and don't deserve any of that! It just comes with the IF territory I guess. I'm sure it's especially hard for you when it's your own sibling getting pregnant, since that hits SO close to home! That would be hard for anyone and I'm sorry. :(
ReplyDeleteHey I feel the same exact way when I hear someone else announce even though I'm 2 months out to giving birth! I still ignore their newsfeed on facebook because I cant stand the constant complaining about something they should just be HAPPY they have. I think you always carry that with you regardless of whether you are the one pregnant or not. I also have that fear too and I wouldnt put it past my body at all!
ReplyDeleteHUGS. Totally get it. And no you are not a horrible person. Just someone thats beginning to heal from the many battles youve fought and no matter what you'll always have those scars. Its something you'll never forget and maybe thats a good thing because you'll appreciate it just that much more.
I bet after your babies are born, she will be totally jealous of your rockin bod! The grass is always greener on the other side. But you are totally entitled to your feelings! Totally normal.
ReplyDeleteI think this is totally normal feelings. It stems from fear of loss and grief of not being able to carry them yourself. That's a huge thing, not something to be taken lightly. I can only imagine the difficulty of even trying to explain this to others. So don't beat yourself up, ok.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, how exciting with twin girls!!
I have been bitter for quite awhile. It's hard not to be when having a healthy living baby seems so easy for everyone around you and yet you have struggled for so long to even get to this point. I also wish there was some kind of guarantee everything will work out. All we can do is hope I guess.
ReplyDeleteSaw you on the Oct ICLW list and just read through your entire blog :). Wishing you well and will definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteSo I'm way behind on my blog reading / commenting since having my FET last week but I still wanted to leave a comment to let you know I'm thinking about you. I hope you're feeling better; I know how much it stings. I felt the same way when my sister announced her pregancy. And they tried for a whopping 9 months. That's nothing compared with my eight years.
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