Saturday, June 26, 2010

Crash Into Me

I want to go home.  I wish I didn’t have to be at work.  I suppose I technically don’t have to, I have enough sick/vacation time to take the day off, but I don’t know what my excuse would be, especially now that I’m here.  And it’s Friday.

Today is 13/14 dpo.  I tested this morning. Did you really think I’d be able to hold out tomorrow? I really thought I was more 14dpo than 13dpo, but it was so negative I’m now praying it isn’t.  Still, I doubt the stick will all of a sudden turn a brilliant shade of pink tomorrow when it was so white today.
Every month this happens, it throws me into a tailspin.  This morning was no different.  DH had “ordered” me not to test until tomorrow (like I would listen) and heard me crying in the shower.  He knew why, and asked me if I had tested. We spent far too much of the morning when we should have been getting ready for work curled up on the bed, me crying to him.  He’s so disappointed too.  For the longest time, he didn’t seem too concerned when a month didn’t turn out the way we wanted, but the last couple, he’s been increasingly more sad.  And that just makes me even more sad.  I’m failing him.  I know he says I’m not, but I don’t have any other reason.  His sperm is fine. There’s no real need for an IUI other than the fact we’re not getting pregnant.  All his bloodwork has been fine.  Sure, all mine has been fine too, but beyond sperm, what does the man really contribute? I’m the host. I provide not only the egg, but the receptacle, so clearly it’s me.  And I just don’t understand. The only concrete problem we’ve seen so far was with my HSG, with my left tube mostly blocked, and the right tube blocked but opened with the HSG. I O’d from the right this month, so what was the problem? How did this again not happen for us? Timing was perfect.  Why does God do this to me month after month?
I called Ali this morning to find out if I should stop the progesterone.  She is out today so they put me through to another nurse’s mailbox.  This nurse will also be out for 12 weeks starting 7/1, but is here today.  Is their whole office pregnant?  Geez.  She called me back and said I could stop taking the progesterone so AF would come. I will tomorrow if it’s negative.  Fuck it all. Just in case I’m just a day early though, I’ll wait till tomorrow.

I didn’t want next cycle to come.  I’m going to get some sort of ovarian catheterization.  Basically, a rotorooter of my fallopian tubes to see if they are open or open them or something.  I don’t know why they wouldn’t be since I had the HSG done, but this is with the RE now so that’s what he wants to see, and honestly, I believe in him more than my OBGYN, who would probably put me on Clomid yet again.

But I didn’t want it to come, not only because I can’t be on any meds because of the procedure (which is fine, I think I need a break anyway) but because I’m so tired of pain. I’ve had so many surgeries, procedures, blood, pain in the last year/year and a half, and I just didn’t want one more thing.  Haven’t I had enough?  How much must one person endure?  I know it sounds so self-pitying to say, but it’s the way I feel.  I need something positive to happen for me, please.  I’m coming to the end of my rope, I seriously need an extended vacation, and sometimes wish I could check myself into some place for “exhaustion,” but I guess only celebrities can do that.  At the very least, I wish I didn’t have to come to work today.

And also, having this “cath” means most likely (especially without meds) that my ovulation will be delayed next month.  After my heart caths my cycles were always 45-60 days long, and this is directly on the important parts so why wouldn’t it be the same or longer?  So I probably won’t even get another chance to try for a month and a half or 2 months.

My FSIL has her shower and second b-party tomorrow.  I don’t want to go. More than anything. I wish I could just stay home in bed and watch TV.  But instead I must go, put on a happy face, and “have fun.” Sure.

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