This Sucks

I’m expecting my period tomorrow. I’m technically 16dpo today, but in reality I think I’m 15dpo, which would mean my period’s due tomorrow.

This sucks for a many reasons.

1. DH gave me the trigger shot on Mon. 8/30.  It was supposed to make me ovulate on Weds. 9/1, the day I had my IUI. Sperm in IUI don’t live as long as regular sperm in regular sex, only 6-12 hours, so IUI has to be carefully timed with ovulation.  My luteal phase is always 15 days. I may take forever to ovulate, but once I do, it’s always exactly 15 days till I get AF.  Never been different in the 2 years I’ve been charting. Today is 16dpo, and normally when I should have gotten AF.  That would line up with my IUI date.  But no AF, though I’ve had 2 days of spotting (Which isn’t normal).  Which means, if I get AF tomorrow instead, I really didn’t O on my IUI day but the next day after, rendering my IUI totally useless. Don’t get me wrong, we DTD anyway the next day, but obviously we’ve been DTD for 20 months now and nothing’s worked.
2. 9/2 was our anniversary.  If I O’d on 9/2 it would have been so nice to be pregnant this month because it’d be an anniversary baby.

My temps plummeted the last few days. I was honestly shocked I didn’t get AF today. perhaps the progesterone is keeping it away, but I would have thought it would keep my temps up and they are low.  I was supposed to go get bloodwork done at the RE today to get beta levels, but I canceled that yesterday thinking for sure I was going to get AF today and why waste the co-pay?  But now I regret it, since I could stop the progesterone if it was negative and let AF come. Now I’m afraid it’s a positive beta and will “kill” anything growing by stopping the progesterone.

Which is totally silly, especially because of my temps and I also POAS tonight.  BFN of course.  But I’m going to POAS tomorrow morning with FMU just to make totally sure. Even at 15dpo I’m pretty darn sure it would be a BFP by now if it were going to be, but of course I’m nervous. Blah.

I had a total breakdown last night and poor K had to pick up the pieces. I mean, hyperventilating, crying so hard my nose was so stuffed and I thought I might pass out because I couldn’t breathe. And honestly, I didn’t care. I wouldn’t have minded passing out to not have to deal with the pain for a little while, you know?

I think we’re going to start going forward on the adoption front. I NEED a baby. I don’t just want a baby, I need one. I guess we’ll keep doing other things in the meantime in hopes of getting pregnant, but at the end of the day, I want my baby, adopted or biological in our home.

If it wasn’t for my temps I would still hold out hope I was PG, but they are so far below my coverline it’s not even funny. Still tonight I POAS and it was BFN.