Nothingness

Numbness.

There are no words to describe how I feel. There really is no point to it all. I've cried a little, but not even that much, and I am usually very much a crier. I think I realize, what is there to cry about? It's not going to change anything, no one (i.e. God) is listening anyway. He doesn't care. He hasn't cared this whole time. So what does it all matter?

The D&C is tomorrow. I'm asking for one more U/S because Friday was such a blur it doesn't even register right now. I don't think they made a mistake but I need to really look this time because last time it was all so fast. Or so it seemed. I need to see for myself so there is no doubt.

I've asked L to call the RE's office since Friday to find out how long to wait before a FET. It's Tuesday and we cannot get ahold of someone. They probably don't want me back. I'm a very proactive patient and they were probably so happy to be rid of me the first time...sigh...

Nothing else has changed. Still no bleeding...still very wet CM. My body hasn't figured it out yet. If I hadn't had that U/S I would never know otherwise.

I'm forcing myself to wear non-maternity clothes, which is difficult because I really don't fit into them. My baby may have stopped growing but the uterus has not. I'm going shopping on Thursday to get something to wear for the summer.

All my summer plans are ruined. I was in the running for happiest pregnant lady ever. I was thrilled to be out and about while PG, so proud of it. So proud. 6/18 family outing to the racetrack? Oh yeah! Dinner cruise around NYC in August for inlaw's birthdays/anniversary celebration? Yes please! I just wanted to be that pregnant lady. Now the whole summer stretches before me, no longer pregnant, just fat.

As a planner, I had put Plan Bs, Cs and Ds into motion, but I got thwarted. I didn't think that this last IVF would work, so we booked tickets to Turkey in late May, thinking, if we were still PG by then, things would be good. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I was taking off at least the next three months, possibly 6, to seriously lose some weight. So that at least by the summer I would be feeling better about my body. But I was pregnant and we canceled our trip and I obviously didn't lose weight, just gained, and now here I am, nearly the middle of June, no trip to Turkey, no lost weight and no baby.

You would think if I couldn't have my baby, God could have at least given me that. But no, I'm apparently not even good enough for my consolation plans to go right.

What am I good enough for? I don't know anymore. I feel like Job. But unlike him, I'm not going to so easily come back to God. You wanted to push me away? You got it.

My husband is the only thing on this earth worth living for. He is truly truly awesome. I suppose if I could have only one good thing in life, I hit the jackpot with him. That's why I feel like a brat in complaining about the baby thing, but I still do. I need a purpose other than my baby in life, but the last few years it has become all consuming I don't see any other purpose than that.

Some people would therefore put TTC aside for awhile but I can do no such thing. It's such a singular focus that without it, I don't know what else I'd do. I don't know what else to do. Time keeps ticking. 32 now, 33 in a few months. Getting close to advanced maternal age soon.

It's all a blur. What to do now? What to do next? I just don't care about anything. I deactivated my FB account, just for now. Constantly seeing baby pictures and PG updates was something I couldn't deal with. Can't talk on the phone. Only accepting texts and emails right now. My dad came up on Saturday, which was so needed. I bleached the deck walls which was the best thing ever, in terms of keeping my mind of things. I'm actually getting stuff done around my house. Staying busy helps so much. My mom and dad came up again on Sunday. Yes, dad drove 4 hours both days to see me. They were so great.

My sister texted me with the perfect words. I was so appreciative. My brother and SIL emailed me (separately). My brother clearly has not dealt with much adversity in his life as he actually wrote, "If life were easy we wouldn't appreciate it as much." Are you kidding me? When I'm the one in the family (and only one) who has the heart condition, the multiple open heart surgeries, the infertility issues, the FIVE miscarriages - you are seriously saying that? It's what clueless people say. So he's clueless. But I just wrote him back saying thank you, because I appreciated him reaching out and listening when my parents said I was not talking to anyone on the phone. My SIL too (she did not make any such clueless remarks, thank goodness).

My inlaws, I don't know what the hell is up with them. L and I are both very disappointed. If anything, before this I would have said they were the ones I would have expected to drop everything and see us, but apparently not. Didn't hear from either of my BILs either this weekend. one of them we found out last night was in Atlantic City all weekend so I understand, but the other one has no such excuse, he lives at home with the ILs. My ILs live just as far as my parents (same town, exactly) but have not asked to come visit us. No other calls, nothing. L called his mom out on it yesterday and was pretty upset (he's not the type to do that normally). I admit, I'm really disappointed.

My BFF, who's now close to 20 weeks pregnant, cried when I called her. She's texted me and called DH wanting to let us know she's there when we need her. Another friend texted me as well. My close coworker friend- now 9 weeks pregnant has been good at work the last few days. It's amazing, all we've done is talk about MMC and yet it's been good. Weird. But I get upset that none of them will have issues (because I *know* they won't) and I'm always the one that does. Close coworker will "pass" me in 2 weeks and then go far beyond and I will be left behind once again, not pregnant.

So I have all these people technically, and yet I feel so alone. 90% of them have done all the right things, and yet I'm upset about the ILs.

I know time will help. But right now...I just sit here. Numb. Thinking about how I will never have my happy ending. I don't want much. Just one child. Just one.

How did I know?

On Friday I had my NT scan.

Unfortunately I was right. How am I always right about these things? There was no heartbeat. I saw the heart on the screen, that bright white dot, which just a couple of weeks ago was beating a wonderful 164 bpm, now still and silent on the U/S screen.

The baby was actually measuring smaller than it was a few weeks ago, by a couple of millimeters. How is that possible? So I don't even know when my baby died. Was it right after the last scan? In the last week? I will never know.

I am scheduled for a D&C on Wednesday. When all of this was happening on Friday, it was all a blur, I was almost numb, though of course I was crying. How the hell did I say Weds. was ok? Why didn't I insist on Monday? What is wrong with me? I will walking around as if I'm pregnant (because I don't really fit in regular clothes anymore but my body hasn't gotten the hint I am no longer pregnant) for almost another week by then. That is how you spell torture.

The D&C is schedule on what would have been 12 weeks exactly for me. So close to the end of the first trimester, but no cigar.

All I can think is that it must have been my body in some way that did this. We went to Maine last weeken for the Memorial Day holiday and I walked 4 miles that first day there. It was hot and it was hard for me. Did I overdo it and therefore somehow kill my baby? Or do something inadvertently before or after?

I don't know. and I will never know. All I know is that at some point I had two babies in this pregnancy, and now I have none. And I loved them so very much.

Did I get too cocky towards the end? I started to think that maybe it might work. I was saying to DH, I am worried about this, but it was more in order to fend it off. If I thought about the possibility, then that possibility wouldn't happen. But inside I was thinking - 11w2d, I'm practically out of the first trimester - it's going to be ok! On my way out of work to the appointment I rubbed my belly and smiled and said, "Let's do this baby! I'm so excited to see you!"

So cocky. I ought to have known better. I do know better. Didn't I write here that I don't get happy endings?

One of the hardest things about this is that I know i will have to wait I don't know how long after the D&C to do a FET. I'm sure I'm looking at the fall at the minimum. The fall when I will turn 33. When I would have been in my third trimester.

I was due December 14, 2011. I will not have my Christmas baby anymore. We were calling it our little snowbaby because it was due in the winter.

I will not have a baby in 2011 anymore. I started trying in 2008.

I'm never going to have my happy ending.