How did I know?

On Friday I had my NT scan.

Unfortunately I was right. How am I always right about these things? There was no heartbeat. I saw the heart on the screen, that bright white dot, which just a couple of weeks ago was beating a wonderful 164 bpm, now still and silent on the U/S screen.

The baby was actually measuring smaller than it was a few weeks ago, by a couple of millimeters. How is that possible? So I don't even know when my baby died. Was it right after the last scan? In the last week? I will never know.

I am scheduled for a D&C on Wednesday. When all of this was happening on Friday, it was all a blur, I was almost numb, though of course I was crying. How the hell did I say Weds. was ok? Why didn't I insist on Monday? What is wrong with me? I will walking around as if I'm pregnant (because I don't really fit in regular clothes anymore but my body hasn't gotten the hint I am no longer pregnant) for almost another week by then. That is how you spell torture.

The D&C is schedule on what would have been 12 weeks exactly for me. So close to the end of the first trimester, but no cigar.

All I can think is that it must have been my body in some way that did this. We went to Maine last weeken for the Memorial Day holiday and I walked 4 miles that first day there. It was hot and it was hard for me. Did I overdo it and therefore somehow kill my baby? Or do something inadvertently before or after?

I don't know. and I will never know. All I know is that at some point I had two babies in this pregnancy, and now I have none. And I loved them so very much.

Did I get too cocky towards the end? I started to think that maybe it might work. I was saying to DH, I am worried about this, but it was more in order to fend it off. If I thought about the possibility, then that possibility wouldn't happen. But inside I was thinking - 11w2d, I'm practically out of the first trimester - it's going to be ok! On my way out of work to the appointment I rubbed my belly and smiled and said, "Let's do this baby! I'm so excited to see you!"

So cocky. I ought to have known better. I do know better. Didn't I write here that I don't get happy endings?

One of the hardest things about this is that I know i will have to wait I don't know how long after the D&C to do a FET. I'm sure I'm looking at the fall at the minimum. The fall when I will turn 33. When I would have been in my third trimester.

I was due December 14, 2011. I will not have my Christmas baby anymore. We were calling it our little snowbaby because it was due in the winter.

I will not have a baby in 2011 anymore. I started trying in 2008.

I'm never going to have my happy ending.