Tuesday, May 31, 2011


My NT scan is on Friday. I'm almost as scared for it as I was for my first OB appointment. I don't know why. I saw the HB for 3 weeks straight and it will only be two weeks and 1 day from the previous time but I'm still so worried that there won't be a heartbeat on Friday.

I should be worried about other things. Like, what if there's a HB but the NT scan shows us something disastrous? I'm not so concerned about Down's. No one in my family has ever had it. I am more concerned about some big congenital heart defect, since I have one myself.

And then, today is the first day I've felt *significantly* better since about 8 weeks. And I don't like it one bit. I've asked around and people said that towards the end of the first trimester you can start feeling better, but to me, that's also an indication of a missed M/C. So, I don't know what to think. I still feel some symptoms, but so much lighter that I almost felt like a new person today. Me no likey.

I'm thinking once the NT scan passes on Friday I will feel better about this pregnancy. Hmm, that's what I said about my first scan and my second scan and look at me right now. No, but I think I will. I know there's always the chance something could happen, but I think I'll feel out of the worst of it.

But I also feel like I have the worst luck. 10% chance or 5% of miscarriage now? Leave it to me, I'll be in that tiny percentage.

In some screwed up way, I don't see me ever having a happy ending. I know it's sad and pathetic, but I just can't see it.

I want to be proven wrong so badly. I want people to laugh in my face at the end of all of this, going "I TOLD YOU SO!!"


  1. "In some screwed up way, I don't see me ever having a happy ending. I know it's sad and pathetic, but I just can't see it."

    I don't think it's sad or pathetic, I think it's a natural reaction... and I totally feel that way too. I wish neither of us felt that way, but it's natural after having went through so much. I hope we both can feel a little more comfortable with things at some point (I'd say relaxed, but I don't think that's possible!). I sincerely hope we are both proven wrong.

    I really hope you get great news at your NT scan!

  2. Definitely a normal reaction. I know despite trying to stay positive I am preparing myself for the worst for my upcoming scan on Friday. I find it hard to believe after everything that this pregnancy will end with me taking home a baby.

    I hope your scan is perfect and you can put your mind at ease for now. xx