I Should Be Happy...

...and I am, but part of me is not.

I had my first U/S yesterday at 7w1d. Hurray for making it that far without bleeding, right? Well, I again, had a little bit of pink on the tip of my Crinone stick, but besides that, nothing. And honestly, I'm coming to the conclusion that it always happens after I recently orgasmed. (Sorry for the TMI). Because other days, there's nothing.

Anyway, so U/S was yesterday and I was terrified. I actually did ok the night before, but my heart was pounding as we drove up to the office. My RE must think I have high blood pressure (and actually I have normal to low, normally!) because it's always in the 130s at his office.

(For comparison's sake, last week at the endocrinologist's office it was 100/70 - and at my cardiologists, it's been 87/46 before (yes, very low!) )

I was seriously almost hyperventilating by the time I got on to the examining table. I thought one of the PA's was going to do the U/S but I found out it was the RE himself and my heart sank. Mostly because his bedside manner is just not the best and he would not break bad news to me gently, like everyone else would.

Anyway, he started the U/S and I could barely breathe. I shut my eyes and just kept thinking over and over again, "I love you God, I love you God." I honestly am not all that a religious person (and my faith has been severely tested in the last few years and has not really survived anywhere close to intact) so it surprised me that that is where I went, but I'm glad I did. It shows me that I haven't given up all hope after all.

The RE said he wouldn't say a word until the end so I didn't need to wonder if that was good or bad (that helped immensely!) but rather quickly he was saying, "So, how many did we put back?" I replied, "Two," rather shakily because all of a sudden I had visions of triplets, which with my heart would NOT be a good thing. Then he says, "And how do you feel about having two babies?" And my heart leapt for one second with joy. Then he said, "We've got two sacs here," and all I replied was (damn, I'm cynical), "Sacs don't mean anything. Are there heartbeats?"

Then he got more quiet and I could feel him shifting the U/S wand around gently, like trying to tune an old-fashioned radio.

"Baby A definitely has a heart beat." I questioned him on the size and how fast it was ("appropriate size and heartbeat" according to him.)

Ok seriously, do they not know me at all? I don't accept "appropriate" - I want numbers! Heartbeat was 134bpm, perfect! Later on he told me it was measuring 6w5d (2 days earlier, but well within the margin for error).

He then admitted he wasn't sure he could find Baby B's heartbeat. He pushed the monitor towards me and I sat up and looked and I thought I could see it occasionally, but he thought it might be my own heartbeat. And he showed me Baby A's heartbeat, which was very obvious.

However Baby B is measuring close in size to Baby A, so if Baby B didn't make it, it had "just" happened. :( I don't know why that hurt more than if baby B had died 2 weeks ago.

He did say that if Baby B were the only embryo in me and they were having that difficult a time finding the heart beat and I wanted a D&C, they would insist on waiting another week just to make sure. So, while he thinks Baby B isn't viable, I really have to wait and see.

But, so far, Baby A looks wonderful! I really am so grateful and ecstatic about Baby A, but my heart breaks at the same time for Baby B. I had/have twins. As soon as I can scan my U/S pic I'll post it because they were right next to each other, sharing a wall. I've seen other twin sacs, but apart, not together like this. Already they were siblings, already they were together.

It breaks my heart.

I guess this is the time to say, if you haven't figured it out already, this blog is moving on from being primarily infertility, and onto pregnancy after infertility. I really think my view of this whole pregnancy will be colored by the infertility glasses I'm not sure I will ever be able to remove, but I totally understand if you choose not to read this (and if you read this far, appreciate that you even did once pregnancy was mentioned). I know how many blogs I stopped reading once the blogger got pregnant. I just want to say thank you.