Sunday, June 5, 2011

How did I know?

On Friday I had my NT scan.

Unfortunately I was right. How am I always right about these things? There was no heartbeat. I saw the heart on the screen, that bright white dot, which just a couple of weeks ago was beating a wonderful 164 bpm, now still and silent on the U/S screen.

The baby was actually measuring smaller than it was a few weeks ago, by a couple of millimeters. How is that possible? So I don't even know when my baby died. Was it right after the last scan? In the last week? I will never know.

I am scheduled for a D&C on Wednesday. When all of this was happening on Friday, it was all a blur, I was almost numb, though of course I was crying. How the hell did I say Weds. was ok? Why didn't I insist on Monday? What is wrong with me? I will walking around as if I'm pregnant (because I don't really fit in regular clothes anymore but my body hasn't gotten the hint I am no longer pregnant) for almost another week by then. That is how you spell torture.

The D&C is schedule on what would have been 12 weeks exactly for me. So close to the end of the first trimester, but no cigar.

All I can think is that it must have been my body in some way that did this. We went to Maine last weeken for the Memorial Day holiday and I walked 4 miles that first day there. It was hot and it was hard for me. Did I overdo it and therefore somehow kill my baby? Or do something inadvertently before or after?

I don't know. and I will never know. All I know is that at some point I had two babies in this pregnancy, and now I have none. And I loved them so very much.

Did I get too cocky towards the end? I started to think that maybe it might work. I was saying to DH, I am worried about this, but it was more in order to fend it off. If I thought about the possibility, then that possibility wouldn't happen. But inside I was thinking - 11w2d, I'm practically out of the first trimester - it's going to be ok! On my way out of work to the appointment I rubbed my belly and smiled and said, "Let's do this baby! I'm so excited to see you!"

So cocky. I ought to have known better. I do know better. Didn't I write here that I don't get happy endings?

One of the hardest things about this is that I know i will have to wait I don't know how long after the D&C to do a FET. I'm sure I'm looking at the fall at the minimum. The fall when I will turn 33. When I would have been in my third trimester.

I was due December 14, 2011. I will not have my Christmas baby anymore. We were calling it our little snowbaby because it was due in the winter.

I will not have a baby in 2011 anymore. I started trying in 2008.

I'm never going to have my happy ending.

13 comments:

  1. Oh no, my heart is breaking for you. I am so, so sorry. I'm praying for you. (((HUGS)))

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  2. I'm so very sorry for you losses. There is nothing I can say to make any of it better, but know that I'm thinking of you, L and your 2 angels.

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  3. There are no words. Just hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear this, I really thought this was going to happen for you. I hope that this blog helps you through your grief.

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  5. I'm so, so sorry. Sending you caring thoughts and a virtual hug!

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  6. I have been reading your story since I first found out that I was facing infertility (just before you got pregnant). I am so sorry. I know there is nothing anyone can say to make it better. Many hearts are breaking with you though. My thought will be with you and your husband and your two precious little ones.

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  7. (((hugs))) I am so, so sorry:( I am thinking of you and praying that your happy ending is much closer than you think!

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  8. I am deeply sorry for your loss and the fact you have to endure this awful experience. It's like walking through hell and then some.

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  9. Oh no! No!

    I wish this wasn't happening to you both. I am so sorry for your loss (*HUGS*) It's not fair :( I'll be thinking of you.

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  10. I ended up here from another blog- I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. I can not imagine the pain and heartache that you and your husband are enduring. I know it does not really help, but just want you to know that a perfect stranger is praying for you. So sorry :(

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  11. (((Hugs))) I am so, so sorry you are having to deal with this. I wish I could take the pain away for you, this is so unfair. My heart hurts for you. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

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  12. I am sooooo incredibly sad and sorry to read this. I know nothing can make your sadness or tears go away. I really wish I could take your pain away. I'm sorry. I know you don't know me but I am praying for you and your family. Big hug to your dear.

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  13. Oh I have no words that will take away your pain, but just know there are so many of us out there thinking of you. Sending you lots of hugs. xx

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