Thursday, September 29, 2011

First Homestudy Meeting

I've had the worst period ever. Well at least the last few years. I had to actually take a couple of hydrocodone (the ones I had left over from when my periods were so painful - and they were expired) so I could tell how long it's been. I don't know why this one was so bad, when they haven't been that way for years now.

Yesterday was our first homestudy meeting. There will be three of them. The first was one with me and L at the social worker's office. The second one will be individual meetings at her office. Only the third will actually be in our home.

It went all right. I didn't get a warm and fuzzy feeling from her. She actually upset me so much at one point that I almost got really angry and started crying. I'm hoping I just misunderstood, but the more I think about it, the more I'm annoyed.

She asked if I was going to put IVF on hold while we were profiled. I wasn't sure what profiled meant so I told her no. I said we weren't trying right now but that didn't mean we wouldn't try again in the future. She told me while I didn't have to legally, I really needed to because adoption is so emotional and IVF is so emotional I really can't handle it. That's where I got really upset. Don't tell me anything is so emotional I can't handle it. I've handled two open heart surgeries, I've handled the loss of 5 babies, 2 IVF cycles, 1 FET AND done adoption paperwork to date, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I CAN HANDLE!!!

Then I stopped crying long enough to tell her maybe I just didn't understand what being "profiled" meant. She told me that's when we're matched with a birthmother. Which I totally didn't understand originally and which was fine with, at least initially. In my mind, we're going to finish our homestudy and wait months and months until we hear from the agency and I was being honest that I wasn't sure I was going to NOT do a cycle while I hear nothing. But if we're matched I of course wouldn't do anything. That I'm ok with. She said we should be profiled within 1 or 2 months. We'll see.

The more I think about it though, the more I realize it's just not as simple as that. What if I'm in the middle of a cycle when I get the call that we're matched? I'm not about to throw away a cycle or my money when nothing is definite. I wouldn't START a new one if we were matched, but IVF cycles are very long, and I think she doesn't realize it.

So nothing's simple, even in adoption (well especially in adoption, but you KWIM.) Still ignorance even there...

It's hard.


  1. (Hugs) I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. You are an incredibly strong woman, and you are right, that social worker has no idea what you are capable of handling. I agree that it would probably be emotional to go through both at the same time, but your dream is to be a Mom and nothing is going to stand in your way. I know this will all work out in the end. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and wishing you all the best.

  2. I'm sorry the meeting was rough. I can only imagine. Yes, I don't think she understands that an IVF cycle isn't start/stop, but is more involved. Adoption isn't that simple, so you'd think she'd have figured that out, but some people just don't know anything. And yes, it does sound presumptuous to say that she didn't think you could handle it, maybe she was basing that assumption on other couples but she should realize that not everyone is the same (*hugs*) I hope that things go smoother from here on out, and I'm sorry you've been in so much pain.

  3. So sorry this appointment was difficult. Sounds like she doesn't have a clear idea of what all goes into IVF and it was presumptuous to tell you what you can/can't handle - really not appropriate for her to judge. Hope the follow up appointments go much better!

  4. I wish she had been more clear with you. That was inappropriate of her to say to you regardless though. She does not know you well enough to assume those types of things. Hope your next meetings go well.