Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Coming Back from the Dead

A friend of mine asked me if I was going to start writing my infertility blog again. It's been about 6 weeks since my last post, and honestly, I was doing ok without it. I think thinking about things makes me more upset and depressed than if I went through the day not fixating on it.

So, it's been about 6 weeks since I lost my second twin. We have since found out he was a chromosomally normal baby boy. When I told L, he said (to no one in particular), "My boy..." and it broke my heart.

See there I go crying again, because I'm thinking about it. I honestly wish he hadn't been chromosomally normal, because then I could feel like it wasn't my fault. As of now, I have no idea what happened. And after 5 losses, I feel I should know. The local MFM tell us it could have been just bad luck, but after so many, I doubt it. But I can't fix anything if I don't know what the issue is.

I miss my babies so much. My BFF is now 24 weeks pregnant, and my coworker friend who was 3-4 weeks behind me is now 14. Tomorrow was supposed to be my fetal echo. I know this because I got a stupid automatic call reminding me of my appointment a few days ago. I had told them to cancel it 6 weeks ago but apparently they didn't do their job so I got that lovely reminder. Thanks.

I'm doing so much better than I was. Honestly, for the first 3 weeks, I was a total mess. Crying every day, every night. L took over all chores for a week so that I could do nothing but go to work. It was really nice.

We got a dog the last day of June. She has made all the difference. She is filling a need I have for that unconditional affection right now. Not that I can really compare a baby and a dog, but when she wants me pet her and love her, and she's giving me doggy kisses, it definitely fills a need.

This is Pippa.

4 weeks after my D&C, I finally got a positive OPK. It's the first cycle afterwards, so I really don't expect any miracles. We are scheduled to start our FET cycle as soon as AF comes. However, my RE's office is CLOSED the month of August, so we can't do transfer until September.

I didn't expect my period to take so long (ok, really? I have long cycles to begin with, so why not?) but I don't expect AF until the end of july, so it really mostly works out anyway. But I am really annoyed by the fact that they're closed. They also close the month of December, and what the hell is that, right?

I still have 4 frozen embies, so I wanted to give them a shot before doing another fresh cycle. But if the frozen cycle doesn't work (and I'm not holding my breath) then I'm switching to the other RE in my area for a fresh cycle.

At this point, I don't really feel like I have a problem "getting" pregnant. i.e. - I can implant. I just can't seem to hold onto a baby. 5 losses in the first trimester are so confusing to me. I've had the recurrent loss panel done and started doing the lovenox last time, and that didn't stop my losses either.

I just want my babies to stay. It really sucks feeling responsible for their deaths.


  1. I'm glad to see you back - I have thought of you often. I am glad that Pippa, who is adorable, brings you the love you need. I don't know what I would do without my dogs, they definitely have filled a void and have become my 'kids.' Praying that your upcoming FET provides you with long lasting positive results!

  2. I was thinking about you just the other day. I'm glad that you're doing better.

    Dogs are so nice to have around, they are good company and do provide unconditional love. But, you're right, they don't replace a baby. I should know, I have 5.

  3. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. Pippa is adorable, and couldn't have come at a more perfect time=) I hope the FET brings you your long awaited miracle and that they find a magic combination to help prevent another loss. (Hugs)

  4. (*hugs*) I've been thinking about you. I'm glad you got the dog. You're right, they can't replace the missing child or make things okay, but they help. I don't know what I would have done without my cats and dogs.

    Is there any other testing they can do? Recheck hormone levels, yours thyroid, I'm assuming they've already done a hysteroscopy. I hate that you don't have any answers, and I hate that you feel this is your fault. I carry a lot of that guilt since I know my losses were because of all my medical conditions, but try to remember that you did and are doing everything you can. It really isn't your fault.

  5. Glad I found your blog (it's lennongirl here over from the IF Grads board on FF, btw). I wish there was something I (or anyone) could do or say to make it better, but I know that's not possible. For now, I just wish you peace and I hope with everything I have within me that you get your take-home baby soon.