Tuesday, March 15, 2011


My weight is insane. I've said so many times in the last 6 months that "I'm the highest weight I've ever been" that I should just stop - because it just keeps climbing higher and higher. I keep thinking, doesn't there need to be a plateau at some point? At some point I HAVE to be consuming less calories than I'm expending, right? How have I not hit that point yet?

I really don't think I can do this anymore. My body is telling me that it's had enough. Between the open heart surgeries, the more minor stuff like caths and HSGs, and the hormones I've been on - I think it deserves a break. I think *I* deserve a break.

I start stims tonight for my second round of IVF. I'll be blunt, I do not think it's going to work. I just don't have a good feeling about it. And I feel like crap, physically. Like my skin is too tight for my body, like I'm trying to shove myself into size 4 jeans, only I'm not.

I could have done acupuncture for this round, but I chose not to. I could have gotten myself a massage to get myself all ready, or gone to see my chiropractor because my lower back has been bothering me, but I chose not to. Whether it's depression or exhaustion or both or neither, I'm just DONE.

I'm doing this cycle because I'm already in the middle of it. Had my baseline appt. today and everything looks good so tonight I welcome 3.5 vials of Bravelle into my body. My pants, which barely fit right now, are going to go on strike by the middle of next week. I went out and bought some new clothes today (and not even cheap ones, like I have been doing, thinking it would all get better soon and I could get back to my regular size).

But when it's done, the doctor stuff is going to stop. Not that I'm not going to keep trying - I'll do OPKs, and charting and stuff I guess, but no more hormones. No more not working out because it throws off my cycle. I need to get back to being me. Because right now, I'm so far away from where I was - 60lbs up from my wedding weight, which let me tell you, was not where I even wanted to be at the time. 60 FUCKING POUNDS. How did that happen?

Ok, I know how it happened. But I have to change it, for me, and for my future children, if I ever have any.

I don't really know if I'm ok with this. I've never really thrown in the towel at anything in life. But part of why I think I can do this is because L and I sent in an adoption application, finally. 3 years after we initially started it, we're going with a different agency and hoping it works out. The money involved, it really kills me. I would adopt 4 babies if not for the money. But alas, it requires it, and we have the ability now to be able to afford it, though of course that means not paying off my student loans as fast as we would otherwise. Debt, debt, debt - hate it.

I have no idea how long the process will take, or if we'll ever get a placement. But the journey has started, because in the end, all I want is a baby of my very own, whoever gives birth to it.


  1. (*hugs*) on the weight issues. I have to work on my own, but during treatments is so difficult. Especially if you're stimming.

    And I understand the pessimism about the cycle, I'm always like that. I sincerely hope you're surprised, but I understand the feeling of it being doomed before it really begins.

    Kudos on turning in paperwork for an agency. We'd also love to adopt, but financially... too hard right now. Which is a shame, really.

    Hang in there.

  2. (((hugs))) I am so sorry, none of this is ever easy. Sometimes it feels like you just can't catch a break, and it isn't fair. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and congrats on turning in the paperwork as well. Wishing you all the best!